Prologue
"Every man at some point in his life is gonna lose a battle. He's gonna fight and he's gonna lose. But what makes him a man is that in the midst of the battle, he does not lose himself."
Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights
Where there was sadness in the void that was his pathetic, weak mind, Shinji Ikari replaced that empty spot with two new feelings that had him more broken and worse off: anger and self-deprecation. Kaworu's death just a few hours ago was the final straw that broke the teen's psyche.
"Ha, Eva pilot….protector of humanity...mankind's last hope, so they told me…Asuka was dead wrong about me no matter how smart she thinks she is." Saying her name to himself crippled what was left of his damaged heart, soul, and mind.
The young boy corrected his now out-of-commission co-pilot by telling himself that if he was the so called 'Invincible Shinji', he would have helped her when she needed him most two Angel attacks ago. Instead, all Shinji could offer her and everyone else he cared about was the one thing he was best at: doing nothing. "Toji, his sister, Rei, Kaji, Misato, Kaworu, and…Asuka…," Shinji thought to himself as he tried to weep, but the tears could not come anymore.
He was standing on the shore of the now vast artificial lake outside the GeoFront in the still and unpleasant night. The same lake Rei Ayanami had expanded after her stunt against the Sixteenth Angel.
This time, he had really done it. Another young soul maimed at the mercy of his Evangelion Unit 01. Only this latest instance graduated from maiming to killing by the hand of that monster. That monster he had been thrust into unwillingly so many times before. That monster who's hand became his own. He hated that damn titan with every fiber in his body.
The reason for his hatred was never because he was scared of the daunting creatures that he and his fellow pilots faced during the supposedly now complete Angel War. As frightening as those otherworldly deities were, he always had those two brave girls at his side covering his back.
Any fleeting courage he found in battle was due to the inspiration those two gave him. But he didn't have them anymore. Taking virtually all of Tokyo-3 with her, the Rei he came to grow close to was buried and gone. Asuka, for her part, might as well be.
Now he stood there, tossing a stone he picked up into the lake wondering where he should go. He couldn't go home. Not after the last conversation he had with Misato just a short while ago. He still felt Kaworu's body in his hand after recently squeezing the Seventeenth Angel to death.
Opening and closing his hand out of old habit, Shinji thought to himself why it was he who survived and not him.
"He should have lived, not me…," Shinji had tried telling these emotions to his guardian. He took a leap of faith and opened up to her. The young pilot shared exactly how he had felt about this latest of fatalities he could add to his conscience.
Shinji had to kill him. The one called Tabris himself even told Shinji he had to do so in order to ensure humanity's survival. So, the Third Child did just that. He did 'what he had to.'
Except Kaworu was kind and accepting. He told Shinji he was worthy of his grace and that he cared for him. He was the only person Shinji can turn to in this string of traumatic events that led up to this moment. Why did Shinji have to murder him?
That's exactly what he poured out to Misato. After all, Kaworu was just another person stronger than he was. Shinji didn't deserve to even be looked at in the same light as his friends. Except Misato didn't see it that way.
Misato had told him that unlike those who have the will to survive, Kaworu craved death. His guardian stated that the new pilot had clung to a false hope at the expense of his own life. She tried to reassure Shinji that he did nothing wrong. Words he wanted nothing to do with in that moment.
"How can she be so cold..." Shinji thought to himself.
Is that how his guardian felt when they found Asuka on the brink of death in that abandoned bathtub sitting in filth and blood?
There he goes again thinking about her.
Shinji remembered calling Hikari and then the redhead's Section 2 detail after the class representative had told him that Asuka had run away from her home.
He had swallowed his pride, or lack thereof, to contact Hikari and inquire about Asuka's well-being before learning that she bolted off, despite what Shinji had done to his best friend and the class rep's crush. For her part, Hikari was polite enough to tell him all that she could.
After speaking to her and reaching out to Section 2, they told him that they had some leads on where she may be but nothing definitive. When he heard from Misato about the location and condition the agents ultimately found her in, Shinji's heart immediately sank.
How could Asuka of all people have fallen to those depths of despair? Why did he care so much anyways? Why did it hurt so much to think about her? Why did her pain hurt him so much?
Asuka Langley Soryu was a ticking time bomb which Shinji never understood nor did he know what exactly he was going to get. That was a lie, he knew what he would get: physical pain, insults, emasculation, belittling, etc.
Yet that never stopped Shinji from caring about her. It was her bravado and valor that Shinji admired the most about his teammate, despite her abuse and treatment of him. Sometimes he wanted to hate her, especially after their last interaction where he somehow worked up the courage to inform her about Kaji's apparent death. She reacted to his news by inflicting pain on him of course.
Except Shinji could never bring himself to truly detest her.
There was something about her that the young pilot could not figure out that made him feel so…confused.
Despite his ambivalent feelings, he knew three things were certain. One was that he really did care about her. Second is that he wished he could be there for her in the ways she needs him to be.
Finally, he knew he had let her down spectacularly in more ways than one.
A name had popped up in his head as he was monologuing about Asuka that he hadn't had the time to think about too much. But that didn't make Ryoji Kaji any less important to Shinji.
The rogue inspector was the closest thing Shinji could even consider to having as a father despite their short time together. It was Kaji's motivating pep talk that rallied Shinji to storm back into NERV Headquarters in the middle of an Angel attack to face the Fourteenth Angel after all but renouncing his life and status as a pilot.
It was that memory that caused him to turn and meander to Kaji's garden. He of course didn't quite know what he was looking for there. For all he knew, the garden could be thirty feet under the lake along with most of the surrounding landscape near the GeoFront.
However, Shinji felt the urge to go to that watermelon patch as if some hidden answer to all his problems would be there like an "X" on a treasure map.
When he got to Kaji's secret hobby spot, Shinji was surprised to see it intact and relatively unscathed from the growing lake nearby aside from the decaying fruit. All of a sudden, he realized that standing at the patch had the opposite effect on him. It made him feel worse than before he showed up here.
This time the tears cascaded down his face. Shinji didn't know why he missed Kaji so much until he started reflecting on their time together. Shinji thought about their last pep talk, their nonchalant conversation the night Kaji watched over them before the pilot almost killed Toji, and when he helped him water the now rotten melons in this very garden.
It was in this stroll down memory lane that Shinji realized just how much he looked up to Kaji. The inspector's words really weighed heavily on the young pilot each time they shared some man-to-man conversation. Now he felt no different than Misato did a few nights before when she was bawling tears near the answering machine at a message Kaji had left her.
"I…I…wish you were here Mr. Kaji…" Shinji sobbed. "It would have been nice to see you make Misato and Asuka happy, you knew exactly how to do that. You always knew what to say and when to…do…anything."
Shinji had to admit, whatever magic powers Kaji had to relate to people, he wanted for himself. Maybe then he could make both of his roommates less sad for a change.
"One last bit of advice from you wouldn't be so bad either. Especially now." Shinji said to himself lowly.
"Then turn around and step into my office," a confident and familiar voice quipped behind him.
Shinji jumped and fell backwards onto the ground as he turned around and stared at the smooth-talking agent he was just mourning. Same ponytail and rogue smirk and all.
Shinji's face was white and looked like he had seen a ghost. Partially because he was ninety-nine percent sure he was staring at one.
"Ka…ka…KAJI!", Shinji stuttered in utter disbelief. This has to be a hallucination. Has he finally gone mad? The young boy almost muttered this out loud.
"Glad I was able to catch you right now Shinji. I didn't think I'd get this chance." Kaji said in a serious but friendly tone as he reached a hand out to pull Shinji up.
It didn't register in the young pilot's mind to think what the last part of his statement meant. The reason being that he still didn't believe he was actually talking to his pseudo-mentor right now.
"K-Kaji….I thought something bad happ-"
"Listen Shinji, I would love to explain everything to you right now. I promise you in time I will. But we have bigger issues at the moment…the life and death kind." The old inspector cut him off as his tone and facial expression hardened.
Shinji looked down at his shoes. Just another person that needed something from him without any concern for him or his friends. Except Kaji's promise did catch his ear.
That thought immediately disappeared because the boy didn't pay any mind to promises, broken or kept, anymore. It was now Kaji's turn to be taken aback by Shinji's next words.
"What does it matter? I don't care whether or not I live anymore. I deserve to die." Shinji muttered just above a whisper. He still wasn't able to meet Kaji's gaze.
After recomposing himself, Kaji finally began to prod the young pilot about what he meant out of genuine concern. "Shinji, how can you say something like that? After everything you've done and survived through. Remember what I-"
"Don't you get it? That's the problem! Everything I've done only leads to the people closest to me getting hurt or worse! I pushed away Rei and Misato. I can't even look at them right now!" Shinji shouted.
"I almost killed Toji and his sister. They'll be lucky if they can ever walk again. I had to kill Kaworu. I don't care if he was the final Angel…HE WAS MY FRIEND! And Asuka…I failed her…so badly…she hates me and has every reason to!" He shut his eyes and turned his head to his right before continuing.
"You once told me that only I can stop the Angels from ending the world….before the Fourteenth almost reached Adam. That only I can decide to do what is right…but that's just it Kaji. I don't know what's right anymore. But I do know one thing for sure. Every time I pilot the Eva, someone gets hurt…someone I care about."
Shinji was out of breath and paused before continuing again.
"That…doesn't feel right to me. How can I do anything helpful in the Eva if I can't even help those closest to me! There's no point in me living anymore…not like this. That's why it's best if I just die. That way, I can't hurt anybody anymore… and maybe then Asuka and Misato can finally be happy…"
Shinji finally met Kaji's gaze as he declared his intentions, sounding more defeated at the mention of his roommates again.
The boy wasn't quite done with his self-loathing tirade just yet. Now, it was time to speak into existence his failure with his haughty, foreign roommate. As if he needed a reason to anyways.
Nonetheless, Kaji needed to hear this.
"During the attack of the Fifteenth Angel…I was sidelined by my father. Asuka and Rei were sent out with me in Unit 01 as back-up."
"You know I was perfectly okay with doing that too. Just sitting there while I let the real heroes save us all. The last thing I wanted was to get back in the Eva after spending a month in there. However, back-up duty wasn't the worst alternative…but then," Shinji paused again, not being able to hold back warm tears from spilling out.
Recalling her screams was the stuff of nightmares. In fact, he still heard them in his own.
Kaji waited until the Third Child composed himself again. Genuinely glad that at the very least, Shinji was actually saying this stuff to someone else out loud. Perhaps out of necessity, nihilism, or both. The reason didn't really matter.
The boy continued, "It all happened so fast. One minute silence, then the next was Asuka screaming in a way I had never heard her sound before. Blood-curdling screams. Almost as if she was being torn to pieces alive. I didn't even know Asuka was capable of being reduced to that type of hopelessness. She was always the best and strongest out of the three of us."
Shinji paused again to let more tears spill, but Kaji had a look that assured the boy he had his full attention.
"I couldn't stand to hear her go through…whatever it was that Angel was doing to her. I asked my father to send me in Unit 01 to get her out of there." He looked away again and continued.
"I didn't even care about being put in harm's way. All I had to do was not get hit by the Angel's beam. That didn't sound so difficult. Especially if it meant bailing out Asuka! That way she wouldn't scream in pain like that anymore! But my father refused. So, I just…sat there, and did nothing."
Shinji slowly hung his head in shame, but the words did not stop pouring out.
"After Rei defeated the Angel and they got Asuka out of Unit 02, I immediately ran to her to see if she was alright. Of course, like the idiot she says I am, my first words to her were that I was glad she was okay. You can probably guess how she reacted to that." The boy let out a sad half-chuckle.
"She shouted how much she hated that Rei saved her, how she wished she had died instead of being saved by her, and how she hated all of us to death."
The last words the boy said came out like poison. He should have done more to help her during and after that Angel attack.
"So, if Asuka really hates me and everyone else to death, if she really thinks I deserve to die, then screw it. She's not wrong and I should just die. I deserve it after all! It's the least I can do for her after all the pain I caused her."
Finally, he was done. The boy was now openly weeping at having to share all his failures that weighed on him. In a way, it actually felt liberating to say what was on his mind regardless of how much pain it caused him.
However, that feeling was fleeting. The tears and misanthropy were here to stay. The Third Child really wished he could just drop dead right now.
Kaji slowly placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder, even as he tensed up at contact, and ensured him that he took in every single word the broken young boy had said.
The inspector quickly deduced that this was the fourth time since coming to the garden that Shinji had mentioned his former ward. He must really take her well-being seriously…or was there more to that?
Did Asuka ever know just how much her timid yet naturally gifted teammate looks up to her? Did Shinji ever even try to tell her just how much she actually meant to him?
As far as Rei and Kaworu, Kaji got up to speed on the intel regarding the two human/Angel hybrids. That was not a conversation he had the time nor the wherewithal to get into with Shinji right now. And Misato, well, that one was on him, not the boy. Just another hard talk to put on the backburner if they do in fact survive the next twenty-four hours.
Kaji owed the boy and his roommates so much more than just an explanation. He'd be lying if he said that the mention of Asuka's and Misato's names didn't bring him some pain. He failed both of them spectacularly, unlike the boy in front of him regardless of what he thinks.
He had heard of what happened to the Second Child thanks to some insider info from his Section 2 contact. His penance to her and Misato began with Shinji Ikari.
"Shinji, did I ever tell you about Second Impact? What it was like to be a kid living through the aftermath of that hellscape?"
Kaji's solemn tone now had Shinji's full attention. He never knew much about what it was like to grow up after the near apocalypse, let alone Kaji's own experience.
Kaji cleared his throat and at once, began reciting those painful memories. The cross he carried that got him to where he was today. The one he would carry for the rest of his life.
"Japan was essentially a war zone after Second Impact. Destroyed buildings. Lack of adequate food and water. People hopelessly searching for their loved ones. Orphans holding on to their siblings…you name it. I was in the latter."
Shinji, for as sad as he was, tried his best to straighten out for Kaji despite still having trouble meeting his eyes. He'd never seen Kaji get this serious before even during the Fourteenth's attack.
"Our parents were killed in the Armageddon. Only my younger brother and I were left of our family. For days we would sleep on the streets then bounce between UN refugee tents to see if there was any food, water, or supplies. You know, anything to help us survive. Well, it was never enough, even for just the two of us." Kaji said with a frown.
"So, one day, my brother and I stumbled upon another group of orphans by the docks where the UN unloaded supplies. After sharing with the group my brother and mine's situation, the kids immediately took us in as their own. Together, we all decided we would steal from those ships when they were on standby to send supplies to the camps."
Kaji paused for another second and slowly pulled out a cigarette. He lit it and took in the tobacco before continuing.
"We would then hide in an abandoned crate near the dump yard across the docks. It was quite easy really. Hiding right by the source of the loot under their noses? Simple enough as the UN wouldn't suspect a thing. It worked for a few weeks. Easily slipping by guards and opening the crates. Getting what we wanted and sharing it with the other kids. It was the closest thing my brother and I had to a family after losing our parents." The inspector said while letting out a puff of smoke.
"We were almost…happy…despite our circumstances. Then our luck ran out one evening." Kaji slowly wavered as his voice cracked a bit. He finished the cigarette and flicked the end butt away. Shinji could have sworn he saw his eyes water in the moonlight.
"Well, I got a pretty bad gash on my arm while running away from the guards on a food raid the night before. Had run through a small crack between the crates and the dumpster where a long piece of broken glass was sticking out. Thing ripped my arm open pretty good too. So, my brother took my place in the next group hunt while I went to the nearest UN medical tent to get treated so that my arm wouldn't get infected."
"Well….when I came back…" Kaji trailed off again, this time he ran his hand over his eyes.
"The UN guards caught my brother and the others. Made them give up our hideout and all the supplies we had stowed away there. But simply giving back the supplies wasn't enough…no. Those bastards had to make an example out of us. Out of them." Kaji's voice broke a little bit.
"So, they lined up my brother and the others, pulled out their rifles, and executed them as if they were war criminals. I immediately ran over to hide behind a trash can unnoticed while I watched them shoot my brother and friends to death…" The struggle for him to continue speaking was apparent to the boy.
"Just hid there like a damn coward and did nothing." Kaji finished and now this time, Shinji definitely saw a couple of tears running down the inspector's face.
"My brother did lock eyes with me momentarily, before they emptied a magazine into his head, you know. The last thing my brother saw was his so called big, strong older brother sitting there… watching him get murdered!" Kaji angrily shouted to the night sky.
Shinji Ikari was speechless. His mouth hung agape as he couldn't find the right words to say. Just like he couldn't with Misato by the answering machine. Just like he couldn't with Asuka after she was mind-raped by the Fifteenth Angel. He never knew what to say or how to say it.
That didn't mean he wouldn't try right now despite his own pain at the moment. Not when Kaji was being so sincere and sharing such a painful memory with him.
"Kaji…I'm sorry...," was all the boy could whispered.
He was horrified at hearing Kaji's story. How can they do that to kids? How can they treat children as disposable pieces of meat like that? How ironic.
That did not stop Shinji from feeling utter sorrow for the closest thing he had to a father figure. He always thought that Kaji was the epitome of how a man should be.
So confident and smooth-talking. Always knowing what to say and how to act in any given situation. Tougher than Shinji Ikari will ever be. Just like Asuka, he had moxie that Shinji envied. Yet behind that tough exterior there was a broken man.
The boy couldn't help but wonder if Misato or Asuka knew this about him. This was something Shinji would not wish on his worst enemy. Perhaps there was more to Kaji. Just like a certain German girl.
"I'm telling you this Shinji not because I want some empty apology or sympathy. I am telling you this as a warning. Some advice for you man-to-man. The same type of advice I heard you asking for while I showed up here." Kaji reminded the young pilot.
"I hid and did nothing as I watched my brother die. I could have done something…anything…would have been better than doing nothing. At least if I acted and died, well, I would have died fighting to protect something I love."
Kaji clenched his fists a bit and looked down before looking back at Shinji and continuing.
"Hell, maybe, just maybe, I could have done something to save my brother. I could have called out to the guards and had them chase me instead while my brother and the others slipped away. I might have gotten away from them too. I was never slow you know. Just ask your guardian."
Kaji let out a downcast snicker while the teen's cheeks reddened.
"But instead, I took the coward's way out and did nothing. Sound familiar?"
The inspector gave Shinji a pointed look as if trying to tell him a hidden message behind his words.
The boy just stood there dumbfounded. He shook his head not knowing what to say or do. "Kaji, why are you telling me this now? What's going on?"
"NERV, the people behind NERV, the UN, the Japanese government, your father – all have their own secrets and motives. Those secrets and motives conflict with each other. However, the arrival of the Angels forced them to set their differences aside and work together to stop a global catastrophe from happening again. Now that the Angels are out of the equation, NERV, the commander and the puppet masters behind both each want the same thing for different reasons: the Human Instrumentality Project. In short, their own version of the apocalypse on their terms."
Shinji was looking at Kaji as if he was speaking in a foreign language. At least when Asuka yelled at him in German he had learned to pick up on what some of the words meant but this?
Misato's plan against the Tenth Angel sounded more coherent. At least that plan ended up working in the end. But whatever this man was insinuating? His father? NERV? A controlled apocalypse?
Now things really didn't make sense.
Kaji began again, "There will be a fight coming to NERV soon. A big and ugly one. And as much as you don't want to, you need to be ready to get in the Eva and fight again. Fight to prevent a controlled Third Impact from happening Shinji. Unless you truly do want to die and take everyone else with you."
There was that familiar sucker punch again. Another thankless mission for the Invincible Shinji. Whatever the heck Kaji was talking about sounded even crazier than the Angel battles.
Did he not hear a damn word the boy had said? It was not in him to pilot anymore. He was better off hiding out in the GeoFront somewhere and just wait for some armed soldier to waste him for good.
"Kaji, I can't do that anymore! Didn't you hear me?! Every time I get in the Eva I fail someone! I am worthless! I am not the protector of this city! I am not our last hope! Least of all, I am not the man Asuka always ridicules me into trying to be! I am not the man you are Mr. Kaji…no matter how much I wish I was."
Kaji sighed. First off, make that five times he's mentioned Asuka's name. There's absolutely more to those words and feelings than even the boy might comprehend at the moment.
Second, for the first time since he can remember, Kaji almost cried tears of joy. Asuka wasn't the only one Shinji Ikari apparently looked to as a source of strength and guidance. There was another who was standing right in front of him.
The rescued inspector sure was glad he was able to break through to Shinji once before. He was even more elated that he meant that much to the boy. Now was his chance to ignite some strength in him once again.
He would not let Shinji fall further into the darkness. God knows where that would drop the boy.
"Shinji did you not hear me? Why do you think I told you about my past? Do you think it's because you're my damn psychiatrist?" Kaji said in a mocking tone. The humor sailed right over the boy's head.
"I told you so that you would not become me. I don't want you to make the same choices I did. I did nothing as I watched the person I care about the most get taken from me. I have let you, Asuka, and Misato down more times than I can ever forgive myself for."
Kaji stopped for a second because these next words were just as important as they were true. He needed to make sure Shinji understood them.
"Don't you get it? I am not the man you need me to be Shinji because you are better than me. You are already braver and more heroic a man than I'll ever be. And you have a chance to solidify that right here, right now." Kaji spoke from the heart in order to get this proclamation through that thick skull of his.
Asuka was certainly correct. The Third Child was a dense one.
"But…but…Kaji…what on Earth makes you think that? I don't have a choice anymore…" Shinji kept stammering.
In fact, he was shocked he could even speak at all. Hearing those words from Kaji felt better than the praise he received from his father after saving Tokyo-3 on Misato's leap of faith plan against the Tenth Angel.
Still, it wasn't enough for Shinji to want to prepare for battle again. That was until Kaji all of a sudden grabbed both the boy's shoulders and closed the distance between them. Getting in his face, Kaji borderline shouted from the top of his lungs. He had to be mindful of Section 2 or anyone else who could be listening in on them, but tough love's duty called.
"What on Earth makes me think that?! Well Shinji, why did you jump into that volcano against orders to save Asuka from being boiled or crushed to death after NERV was ready to write her off as just another casualty?! Why did you run back into a combat zone during the Fourteenth's attack on the GeoFront to get into Unit 01 and save us all from Third Impact?! Don't tell me it was some fluke dammit! I was there for both of them!"
Kaji was really making sure every word he shouted registered into the confused teen's mind.
"You chose to jump into that volcano to go after Asuka, and you chose to get back in the Eva to fight the Fourteenth Angel! You always had a choice Shinji. Each time you did, you chose to do what a man would do. You chose to do more than what most men would do. You chose to be a hero! "
Kaji couldn't keep his frustration at bay anymore. No this wasn't frustration. It was zealous responsibility. Kaji genuinely cared for this boy. He was going to wring that fire into Shinji one way or another. He will not let him down again. Not like every other adult in his life already had.
"That's why you are a better man than me. You never did end up running away when push came to shove. You came back and did the right thing. If you can't see it that way, well then maybe you truly are a lost cause after all and should let yourself and everyone you care about die." Kaji said as he slowly let go of the young pilot.
It hurt him to say that to him given the state he was in, but it was the absolute truth. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and the impending attack on NERV exceeded that bar.
Shinji was completely flabbergasted. He didn't know what to say. He had seen so many sides to Kaji tonight that he never thought existed. Did Kaji really mean that? No, he was just lying to get him to do what he wanted like everyone else at NERV. He's no different than his father. Or was he?
Kaji was better than his father. The damaged boy knew that for sure. Maybe Kaji was right. Perhaps he did have a backbone in his wimpy shell somewhere. But what could he possibly do right now?
All of a sudden, the gears in his mind spun thoughts faster than he could process them until Kaji spoke again.
"Besides, how can you tell Asuka how you truly feel about her if there's no world left for you to get that chance?"
Those words really got the teen out of his trance. Now what the heck is he talking about?! Kaji got the reaction he wanted out of the young pilot as Shinji immediately started blushing and stammering.
"KAJI! What are you saying?! There's nothing but bad blood between us! Besides, she's…not in the best of circumstances right now…" Shinji said as he looked away again.
"I am very aware of Asuka's situation right now. It pains me that I couldn't do more to help her. But that's on me. Just another weight I'll add to my cross."
With those words from the inspector, Shinji internally acknowledged the elephant in the room and wondered just how Kaji knew all of this. Where exactly did he come from? Before the boy could think any further, Kaji continued.
"Shinji, is there really nothing but bad blood there? Do you hate her? It's not like you outright denied any word I just said right now." The two stood there in silence for what felt like an eternity.
Shinji was the one who finally spoke up. "No…I …I…don't hate her. I'm just…terrified of her. She ridicules me, yells at me for no reason, calls me names, and sometimes hits me. Asuka can be really mean when she wants to be. But then there are times that she's not so mean."
Shinji paused for a second and gathered all the good memories he and the boisterous red-head shared. As few as there were, they were memories Shinji remembered perfectly and held very near to his heart. They all came rushing out.
"Like when she asks me to walk to school with her. Or when she trusts me enough as a fellow pilot during the Angel attacks. Sometimes, we even do normal stuff like complain about homework and play video games together. It's times like that where I forget we are Eva pilots at war and remember that we're both just, you know, kids. She even says that I am good at playing the cello! I can't hate her even when I want to. She's just so confusing. I'm scared of her because…because…"
"Because you don't understand her." Kaji quickly finished for him. Shinji looked up eyes wide.
That was all the confirmation the inspector needed.
"Look, I am not going to pretend I know everything about what went on between you two in your time living together because I do not. I am also not going to sugar coat anything. I'll guess that there was probably a lot the both of you could have done better as far as how you two interacted." Kaji went to reach for another cigarette but stopped and continued instead.
"I know there was a time Katsuragi even considered separating you guys. But I've known Asuka for a long time now. There's way more to her than she lets other people know. This is something you may have already seen yourself. Or maybe not, she's not wrong when she says you're a pretty dense kid." Kaji said with a smile on his face.
Shinji's blushing did not stop as he was flailing and getting ready to play defense. The agent was undeterred.
"It's not my place to say what exactly, but Asuka has been through way more than you think. Just like you have I would imagine. She might even share that part with you one day if she notices you make an effort to try and see where she's coming from." Kaji said.
"But I have tried! Every time I ask her something or just try to get to know her more, she just spits in my face and gets mad at me! She doesn't need me and just wants to be left alone! She wished I was dead to my face. Rightfully so too!" Shinji exclaimed.
"Do you really try? Or do you just give up when it gets too hard. You just let her be because it's something you would want for someone to do for you." The inspector's eyes narrowed as he put on his serious face again.
Shinji was looking for any words to defend himself. "It's not like she ever tried to understand me Kaji. I cook for her and Misato, clean the apartment, and I never ask for anything in return. I don't expect anything either. You know I never even got a 'thank you' after I got her out of the volcano. I didn't expect one anyways even before she put herself in harm's way for Rei and me during the Ninth Angel's attack. I don't need a thank you! I'd save her again a million times over if I could!"
Shinji was now the one shouting in frustration.
"She can just be a little nicer you know?" The young pilot didn't know where all this ease with talking about his feelings regarding Asuka was coming from.
Maybe it was because, like Kaworu, Kaji was easy to talk to with when it came to these hard subjects. He seemed like he meant well and had his best interests in mind. That was until Kaworu betrayed his trust and Shinji had to…he hadn't really thought about the white-haired boy throughout this entire exchange with the inspector.
It still hurt Shinji deeply, but he had hoped this conversation would not end in any way similar with him as it did with the final Angel.
"Just like you need to be more patient and try harder with her, she needs to do the same for you. That's what good teammates do. What friends do. With that being said, she doesn't owe you anything nor does she have to tell you things if she doesn't want to. That's her right and it's just as much yours to not share anything with her either if you truly don't want to. You two can't force each other to know what the other is thinking at all times if you aren't willing to share it on your own. That's not how human beings operate."
Kaji now sounded less like a rogue inspector and more like some therapist NERV couldn't even be bothered to have on staff.
"But what does that even mean? What's the point of forming bonds if everything is going to be ambiguous? That just leads to…pain." Shinji answered.
"So, there's your problem, you're scared of the unknown when interacting with other people because you're scared of getting hurt."
Kaji took a deep breath before telling Shinji one of life's hardest truths.
"We're all afraid of that unknown and potential for pain Shinji. A life without pain is a life that does not exist nor is it worth living. Because without knowing what pain feels like, then we can't know what happiness feels like either."
Kaji was unsure now whether he was talking to the boy before him or himself.
By the quizzical look on Shinji's face, he could tell they were veering left into a topic of conversation that required much more time than their current predicament allowed. Hopefully, Kaji's life lessons were enough for now. Hopefully.
"We will continue this conversation later Shinji, but only if you at least promise me one thing."
The boy looked up with expectant eyes and let out a meek response.
"What is it Kaji?"
"Asuka may think many things, but I would be willing to bet that deep down, she does not hate you. Not as much as you think at least. She also does not wish you were dead, and she will need you sooner than you think. Do you want a chance to make things right with her and everyone else you think you wronged? Well, that opportunity is imminent."
Kaji stopped for a second to ponder what exactly he was going to say before continuing.
"So, promise me Shinji that you'll be ready to step up to the plate again and do the right thing again. You'll be the man you've shown me you can be. A man who's better than me."
The inspector said in a tone not dissimilar to a father addressing their child.
"But Kaji, how can I promise such a thing when I don't even understand most of what you are warning me about? The Angels are supposed to be gone. Why would NERV be under attack and by whom?"
Shinji wanted to promise right away. How could he say no to the man who seemingly came back from the dead and tried to encourage him? But that ugly doubt would not subside so easily.
"I have told you all you need to know right now. I can't make you do anything, which is why I only ask that you'll promise that you'll try and be ready."
Shinji had a thoughtful look on his face. Kaji took solace in the fact that the teen at least appeared to be taking his proposal seriously.
"Go back into the GeoFront and get some rest. Check in with Asuka and Katsuragi. But that's only if you want to. Only you can decide what to do tonight. That's what men do. They make hard decisions no matter the difficulties life throws at them."
There was a quick pause before the inspector took a step back and concluded.
"For what it's worth, I promise I'll have your back this time Shinji. I won't abandon you guys again. I will be there and fight with you. However I can't do this alone." Kaji said in his most sincere voice.
The Third Child was still in pain. He still didn't really know what to do and what to believe in anymore. A few hours ago, he thought he wanted to be as good as dead. But now, speaking to a man he idolized and thought he lost, he started to feel something strange in his chest. He wanted so badly to be there for Asuka and the others. He wanted so badly to follow through on Kaji's promise. But…
"What if I fail and let everyone down again?" The boy said in a low voice looking down at the rotting melons in the garden.
"Well, then you'd still be a better man than I was Shinji, because you'll have gone down trying."
Shinji looked up in a shocked manner. He met Kaji's eyes as the man continued.
"It may be too late for me to undue my mistakes, but it's not too late for you despite what you think. The choice is once again yours. Are you going to hide behind some trash can like I did when I had that choice? Sulking and hiding with your SDAT while everything you care about gets taken from you? Or will you defend it or die trying?"
With that, Kaji turned opposite the GeoFront's pyramid with his back to Shinji. He finally took another cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. Before he parted, he looked at the dying fruit he planted so long ago and left Shinji with these last words to prepare for whatever ominous attack was coming.
"I've got some things I have to take care of right now. I wish we could chat more, but I have said all that I needed to tell you. And I really wish someone would have taken care of my fruit while I was gone. I can really use some natural sugar right now. But my melon dilemma will have to wait."
Kaji chucked as he puffed out some smoke.
"We can get this garden up and running together when this is all over. You, me, and everyone we care about. Again, the choice is yours Shinji. Hopefully I'll see you on the other side. But regardless of what you decide to do, remember that I have your back."
With that, the inspector let out another cloud of smoke and began his journey into the thick darkness of the night. Shinji stood there and watched the man who he thought he would never see again disappear from view.
Now the boy was left alone again. The only sound around him being the swarms of cicadas and his inner thoughts.
Truth be told, the Third Child didn't know where to even begin digesting everything Kaji had told him. So many things he didn't understand and even the few words he did weren't so clear.
However, there was that promise, his words about Asuka, his traumatic memories he shared with him, and his comments about being a man. The latter resonated with Shinji the most.
He was still unsure and utterly petrified by Kaji's warning, but every word he said on top of that was genuine and from the heart. The boy at least knew that much.
Kaji asked him to promise him he'll fight and in return he will have his back. With that, Shinji finally ushered himself to move towards the GeoFront.
He still wasn't sure why exactly he was going there or what he was about to get himself into. It was also foolish to think he'd even get even an ounce of sleep that night. But maybe that wasn't a bad thing. It would allow his pep talk with Kaji to truly sink in and marinate into his mind. Shinji didn't want to let anyone he cared about down anymore.
If he accepted Kaji's promise, maybe there was hope he would have the chance to mend the broken bridges with those important to him after all. That was of course, if they even survived by this time tomorrow night.
A/N: Special shout out to deathbringer374 and Glor for taking the time to help me make sure this prologue was polished, and Su_Exodus and Shadowfang642 for taking the time to make sure my first attempt at a story wasn't boring. Hope you guys liked this and stay tuned for more.
