A/N: Set in season 5A after Alicia left the firm.


conversations in the dark

.

"Come 'ere." Will sounds gentle and forgiving, a stark contrast to his actions just moments before.

He lies down beside her and draws her into his arms the way he always used to do. Her warm breath hits his neck repeatedly and he finally allows himself to gaze down at Alicia. He tries not to stare but there's an uncharacteristic vulnerability to her face at that moment. The way her baby hairs are starting to curl at her hairline, the sadness in her lax jaw, her unfocused and glazed eyes; he knows they both lost a bit of control there at the end as they were toying the line between love and hate. He thinks it makes her look more human somehow, more like the Alicia he used to know. His hand caresses her backside carefully as he's painfully aware that she must be sore.

Alicia doesn't stop looking at him. It's like she's mesmerised by him, thrown back into reality, or a fantasy she had long ago. If he wasn't fighting against a lump in his throat, he would maybe think about making her leave. But it terrifies him. How right they still feel. Here, now, between them, nothing has changed. He can see it in her eyes as plain as day.

"I lied," she confesses in a low tone after a moment.

He stills his hand which was drawing circles on her lower back and swallows, then rasps, "about what?"

"About why I left the firm."

"I figured," he admits, a grim look on his face.

When Alicia doesn't continue, he looks down to find her shivering. He furrows his brows, not understanding what happened to the furious lawyer that had knocked on his door half an hour ago. She'd been breathing fire and yearning, but she'd been unapologetic about her actions. With her eyes downcast and her body cooling down, he finds that it's uncovering a layer of her that he hasn't been privy to in years, maybe ever.

"Leesh…" Her nickname slips past his lips easily and unbidden. "Why did you really leave?"

"Because I was terrified." She looks up, her face contouring into something he'd wanted to see all along: remorse.

"Of what?"

"Of you," she says it like it's obvious. "Of my feelings for you. I couldn't trust myself to stay away from you and I really needed to for both our sakes. It just seemed easier to lie and leave than to face reality."

Her words cut deep. He hurts for himself, for her and what could have been all along had they both not been afraid.

"It wasn't easy though, for me," he says quietly, all malice and rage gone. He just sounds defeated. "It hurt me."

"I know," she whispers, all air and regret. "It hurt me too. But I thought I deserved it. I knew it would destroy us, I just thought it would feel better than this."

"You were scared of everything except losing me." He can't keep the bitterness out of his voice this time. She hadn't just left, she'd betrayed him. Turned his love for her into hatred which was probably the hardest part of it all. Reminding himself of it over and over again.

"I was wrong." She wraps her hand around his arm, her teary eyes searching. "I thought I knew what mattered. I thought I knew what I wanted. I'm so sorry I did this to you."

"To us."

Alicia sniffles. "I know. I know. I won't run again. I won't shut you out again if you give me another chance."

Will cups her cheek, wiping away the falling tears with his thumb. He feels dangerously close to tearing up as well.

"What's changed?" he asks. It's one thing to forgive her, it's another thing entirely to let her into his life again.

"I thought I knew what I wanted, or what society made me believe that I should want," she shrugs, then shakes her head. "This between us… it feels right. And it always felt just right. Being with you has always grounded me, and look at what a mess I made without you. I keep doing it, and I'm so sick of it."

"Alicia..." he starts, scared of where this is going but she interrupts him.

"I never stopped loving you. That's why it hurt so much. And I know I should've said it earlier, I know, but I wasn't ready. I'm ready now. I can't pretend not to care about you anymore. It's too painful."

Her chin quivers and her shoulders shake and that's it for him. He can't stop himself from drawing her closer and wrapping his arms around her. There's no way he could not comfort her now when all he ever wanted from her was something real. Alicia had always worn a mask, even when they were having an affair. And he understood, he got it. She was still hurt by Peter's actions and trying to protect herself. He thinks maybe he should've fought harder for them then too.

"Shh, don't cry. Please don't cry. I can't stand seeing you like this."

"I'm sorry," she whispers and draws back to wipe her nose. "Look, you said a long while ago that he had options. I want to explore those options now."

"Okay." he nods, cupping her cheek. "To hell with bad timing. Let's make a plan."

The smile that spreads across Alicia's face is filled with so much gratitude and hope that he can't stop himself from drawing her in for a kiss, and another. He's determined to fight the odds this time around and prove fate wrong.