A/N: Set in 3x10 and I'm toying with the idea of turning this into a full collection of scenes set in season 3/4.
truths you have to grow into
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Will holds Alicia that night, after Kalinda had tracked Grace down at a church and sent her home.
Alicia had called him after her kids had gone to bed and explained. Her voice was still a bit raw and wobbly, and he knew she must have been worried sick. His chest ached, longing to be there for her when she needed someone to lean on, something solid. He was worried she was slipping through his fingers like sand, like she always had. So he told her he was coming over, not letting her talk him out of being there for her.
She looked small. Dressed in her pyjamas, eyes still red-rimmed but there was a relieved smile tugging on the corners of her lips. Like she knew they had all dodged a bullet.
Wordlessly, he opened his arms wide and let her bury her head in the junction between his shoulder and neck. His hands came up to caress her, gentle and even strokes to soothe her.
And she let him.
This wonderful, poised woman let go in his arms.
Alicia had always liked to pretend that they were less than they were, even at Georgetown. He never knew why. But by trusting him enough to not only let him see her at her best, by letting him into her private life, it felt like she was laying down a new foundation for their relationship for the first time.
She guided him into her bedroom, suddenly eager to have him there. Will took it all in. The picture frames, her jewellery, the clothes she'd thrown carelessly on the only armchair in the room. It looked a little messy, a little like the person who he knew she really was. He smiled and took off his coat, throwing it over her clothes before they both tucked themselves under the covers.
"You okay?" he asks quietly. He is spooning her like he's done many times before. Each time had felt intimate with her naked body pressing into his chest, and yet with them fully clothed in the darkness of her own bedroom, it feels like they've truly removed all barriers.
"I'm good. I'm- I guess I'm just really grateful that none of the awful scenarios I had in my head became reality today."
Alicia turns around and smiles timidly. He raises a hand and brushes back her bangs from above her right eye.
"I can't even imagine how scary that must have felt, not knowing where your daughter was."
She sighs, then her eyes get glassy. "It was. I never would have forgiven myself if anything had happened to her. If-" She shakes her head, not letting the thought form.
Will curls his hand around her shoulder. "I know. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. Grace is okay. You're a good mother."
"I don't know about that." She chuckles but he still hears the doubt in her voice. It's something he loves about her; how fiercely she loves her children.
"You are. You show up and you care about them." He tilts her chin up, makes her listen. "No bad mother wonders whether they are not a good mother."
"I just- I've been so distracted lately."
"You mean I've been distracting you," he fills in the blanks.
"Yes, but I've let myself be distracted. I wanted to be distracted," she exhales. "I'm not so sure that's a good thing anymore."
The words hurt a little, honing in on that place in his heart that keeps telling him that this won't last. That Alicia won't allow him to become a real part of her life.
"What if I didn't distract you? What if I could help?"
Alicia abruptly sits up and he lets the cold emptiness seep into his arms where she'd just been, mentally preparing himself for the worst.
"Will, Peter is coming after you, after us. He knows."
His heart starts racing, not because he's scared of Peter or the charges but because of Alicia. At the first sign of trouble, she seems ready to pull out of this. And he knows it's just an affair, but at the same time he also knows that it isn't just an affair and that it has never been one. They've always been more.
He shakes his head angrily, bitterly. "So what, we should end this the moment things get tough?"
She's silent and he swears his heart skips a beat.
"No," she says eventually, it's quiet but strong.
"Then what?"
"I don't know."
He leans forward after a moment and takes her hand in his. It's colder than he expected, clammy, and it makes him realise he's not the only one who's terrified of the outcome of this conversation.
He steels himself, then asks, "Do you want to be with me?" He's never asked such a thing before. Never once had he asked what this was, what they were, where it was going. But he has to know now. If they ever want to stand against their bad timing.
Alicia blinks back the moisture in her eyes and gives him a tiny nod. Then another.
"Okay," he breathes. "Then that's a start. We'll deal with the rest."
"It'll only make things worse."
"Not if it means not losing you."
And he means that. Nothing could be worse than losing her.
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