Special Services
The Avatar launched himself at the Fire Lord.
"ZUKOOOOO!"
The Firebender barely turned in time to receive the monk's crushing hug.
"HRRRURRKKK!"
"So very dignified of the Fire Lord," Azula mused. "Though you should be wary of palace gossip. People get strange ideas when young men hug each other."
Aang unlatched all of his gangly limbs from around the Fire Lord's torso and popped back with a puff of air. He stood a few inches taller than Zuko now, having sprouted over the past two years. Azula raised a shapely eyebrow – the boy was growing up quite handsomely.
"Hey 'Zula!" Aang chirruped. "I see you still haven't killed your brother. That's great!"
"And spare him from his own hellish wedding? I think not," she sneered. "Besides, I'm the maid of honour. I don't think Katara would be too pleased if I were to make her a widow before she was even married."
Aang laughed a little too loudly.
"Are you ready for tonight?" He asked excitedly. "I just came in from the tavern hall and they've got it decked out real nice."
"You didn't have to go all-out for me like that," Zuko's lips twisted, smiling tautly. "You know I'm not really all that…" he floundered and sighed, "…fun."
The monk grinned even wider. "Which is why you'll LOVE tonight! C'mon, it's your last chance to be a real guy."
Azula sneered at her brother. "I hope Uncle Iroh didn't try to push anything on you." She snickered. "Katara might not be too pleased with certain traditions."
Aang didn't know what the fire siblings were going on about, but he let it pass. "I got all your old crew to come, and your Uncle, too."
Zuko's face fell. "You invited all of THEM?"
"Well sure. I mean, you did spend two years with them on a boat chasing after me. Who else would you invite? It's not like you have any friends."
Visions of past music nights whirled through the Firebender's mind. He lowered his head, his long ponytail hanging limply. Aang saw this and hugged his best friend.
"Hey! It's okay, buddy, I'm your best man! That's what friends do! Zuko? Zuko are you actually crying…?"
Sure enough, there was Jee with his sitar.
"Prince Zuko!" He bellowed, holding up a tankard. An uproarious cheer went up and he looked around. All of them were there, from the cook to the helmsman. It would have made him feel fuzzy and warm inside if it weren't for the fact that his blood had run colder than the waters of the Northern Water Tribe.
"Princ'Zuko, yer late!" The engineer sloshed up to him.
Even now that he was Fire Lord, his old cretinous crew still called him "Prince." He smiled back through gritted teeth.
Aang and Sokka pushed the man of the hour into the tavern and sat him down roughly in a large chair. He was immediately handed two tankards of ale, one for each hand, and encouraged to down them.
He stared into his mug of cloudy amber liquid queasily.
"Don't you have something from the vintage stock? Maybe a nice red or—BLURRGHH!"
The helmsman forced the mug to his Lord's lips and tipped the bottom up so Zuko was forced to chug the ale down fast, lest he spill it all over his nice clean tunic. Halfway through, he pulled the mug away and snarled, spluttering.
"Wha'dyou think yer…" Zuko wiped his mouth and blinked. "Ohhh boy."
Well, at least now, everyone wasn't as much of a cretin as he originally thought. He looked at his drink, shrugged, and gulped down the rest of his first tankard.
It was all downhill from there. The tavern, reserved for the entire evening for the Fire Lord's party, became an ale-soaked mess of dancing and singing. Sokka ended up doing an interpretive dance for everyone, while Iroh and Aang, who remained perfectly sober, sang a romantic duet. Zuko sat dizzily in his chair, wondering why the lights in the room kept getting darker, so he held out a hand and ignited a brilliant flare in his palm, marveling at all the pretty colours.
Fearing for the groom, Aang doused the prince with a pitcher of water. "I don't think it's a good idea to mix alcohol and fire right now," he said. "But I think it's time I brought your present out!"
The monk dashed away while Zuko blearily stared after him. A lump formed in his throat. Traditionally, Fire Nation grooms were gifted… special services... by professional women hired for the nuptial rite of passage. Uncle had told him as much, anyhow, but he had refused the offer from his esteemed relative for such a gift. He loved Katara, after all, and wasn't comfortable with what she would think about this time-honoured custom. Besides, 'Zula would never let him get away with it. However, if Avatar Aang, his best man, was giving him this gift, well… he had no way to refuse it. He was the Master of the Elements, and could kick the Fire Lord's shapely butt until he accepted.
The cold shower had sobered Zuko up a little, but now he was feeling a little nauseous and needed to use the bathroom quite badly. He stood on his wobbly legs and staggered forward, but Aang returned just at that moment, dragging… something.
"This is from me, buddy!" Aang grinned as the men warily backed away. "Her name is Fluffy."
Zuko squinted. If that was a woman, it was the ugliest woman he had ever seen. He rubbed his eyes as the tavern fell silent. The men began to climb on top of chairs and tables in order to get away from the thing on the leash.
He did a double take. His vision suddenly cleared.
No amount of ale would bring him back to that state of drunken bliss.
"Aaaaannng…" Sokka said from the side, "Where… exactly… did you get a wild hog-monkey?"
"I got her from some guys selling curios at the wharf," the Avatar dragged on the leather leash, pulling the squealing, grunting creature forward. "She's great! You have to ride her, Zuko, it's so much fun!"
Zuko backed away from the little monster. "Aang… this... is… too… generous of you…" he fell back into his chair and reined himself in before he started climbing up it the same way the others were piling on top of the furniture to keep out of the hog-monkey's path. "But I can't accept it—her."
"Sure you can! I can't ask you to keep her, of course, I have to set her free. But you HAVE to ride a hog-monkey before you get married. It's tradition!"
"Whose tradition?" Sokka called from the table top.
Aang blinked and shrugged. "I dunno. It must be someone's."
"Really Aang, I—"
The monk smilingly handed him the leash and Zuko stared at the thin strip of leather now twined around his wrist. His eyes followed the length of short slack to the collar around the thick-necked, wiry-haired, long-limbed creature.
The female hog-monkey stared back at him with shining yellow eyes. In a split second, she calculated the following: 1) the Avatar was no longer holding onto her tether; 2) her leash was now being held by someone significantly less able to handle her; and 3) there was lots of room in the tavern to run around and lose her keepers.
Fluffy bolted with a squeal, jerking Zuko forward. He fell onto his front and was dragged behind in her galloping wake.
And as the Fire Lord went tearing over the rugs, wood floorboards, slate, gravel, and sand leading out of the tavern, into the town, down the street, and onto the beach, he wished to Agni he had: 1) worn armour; 2) been drunker; and 3) accepted the safe offer of a woman's special services.
I suppose that's better than waking up with things drawn on your chest with permanent marker...
