Why Bumi's Open Mic Nights Were Sparsely Attended


"Ladies and germs, I've got yet another special treat for you," Sokka announced. A groan rippled through the audience as they looked
up from their sealshark fin soup. "You all know him, you all love him, he puts the 'ha' in 'ha-larious'—"

Crickets chirped.

"—Give it up for the Monarch of Mayhem, the King of Kooky, BUMI!"

The crowd rose and applauded respectfully as the ancient monarch got up on stage. Two servants brought a trunk up and set it before him.

"Thank you, oh, you're all so kind." Bumi bowed, giggles punctuated by a few snorts, and gestured at everyone to sit.

"So how is everyone tonight? Are we having fun yet?" Bumi clapped his hands together as weak applause sounded. He carefully opened his trunk, a bright green rectangular box with gold and mother-of-pearl inlay. The lid hung open, hiding the king from the waist down.

"Tonight we celebrate the union of two very special people. Now, I've known Lord Zuko and Miss Katara for a while. When I heard they were getting married and having this grand old wedding, I thought, really, it's a shame they—" he reached down into the trunk and produced a melon with a flourish "—CANTALOUPE!"

The long, silent pause was punctuated by a distant cough.

Bumi tossed the melon into the crowd and went on, holding up a leafy green head. "But LETTUCE look past this now and celebrate this day." He chucked the lettuce aside.

"Now I wanted to give Lord Zuko some advice before the wedding night—" Catcalls and hooting sounded loudly. Bumi pulled a fussing owlcat out of the trunk and let it roam the stage freely.

"To start with, always remember; when kissing a flower as delicate as our lovely Katara, TULIPS are better than one!" He presented the bride with a bouquet of red and yellow blooms, all of them hanging limply open.

Katara accepted the wilting flowers with a weak smile.

"Of course, marriage isn't all about nighttime activities. It is something that needs to be worked at in order to produce anything meaningful, much like a farm… HOE on, TILL the SEEDS of your love BEAR FRUIT!"

Profound silence.

"You suck!" Someone yelled. Bumi ignored the heckler as he reached into the trunk once more.

"A working marriage is like a bonsai tree," he declared, placing a beautiful bonsai before the newlyweds. "Don't expect it to grow the MINIATURE planting it!"

Zuko actually laughed at that one. More out of a need to break the ominous quietude than from amusement.

"And as for children," Bumi winked, "Well, you know how us kings are. We worry all the time about our receding HEIR lines!"

"To conclude—" a roar of relieved applause swept over the crowd. Bumi raised a glass and everyone followed suit "—I wish Zuko and Katara the best in life, love, and longevity. A TOAST!"

He threw two pieces of burnt bread into the air. "To the happy couple!"


Okay, the big groaner is out of the way... onto the rest of the funny!