A/N: Oops, I left it a bit long updating this, didn't I?

marnika: Thankfully, Saki is quite a fun character, and get to turn her into a potty-mouth, just like me. She's also pretty much the most rounded character in the anime/manga, showing several facets of her personality, making her easy to get to grips with.

sf: That's probably the biggest difficulty for me here; writing a shoujo-ai fic where all the guys aren't completely treated like crap. But then, imagine how Madarame or Kuchiki would react? Way too easy to just take the piss out of them! xD


Chapter Four - Slumber

Sinking down onto the bed, thoughts run riot through my brain, leaving me feeling fried. I find it hard to believe that all of this has happened in just twenty-four hours, that everything I've known for the last few years could be so completely and utterly turned upon its head. It was only last night I was with Kousaka and... IT happened. No, I don't even want to think about it, it was just that horrible. And then the next day, today, all that happened between me and Ohno... A part of me wishes it could be a fly on the wall in her conversation with Tanaka, so that I could know what was being said about, well, me and her.

Now there's a thought, me and Ohno. Just what the hell was going on between us? I just... god, I don't want to think about it. No, I WON'T think about it. It was just some totally random thing and I'll go into the Genshiken tomorrow and everything will be back to normal.

...but I won't be going back to the Genshiken tomorrow now, will I? I still need to break up with Kousaka, don't I? How the hell did I forget that? It's just this damned day, it's really messed me up. I wish it would just go away, that it had never happened. I just don't need this crap right now in my life.

No, what I'll do is I'll just go to sleep. I can go into the Genshiken tomorrow, talk to Ohno so we're all sorted out, and then break up with Kousaka and never set foot in the Genshiken ever again. I mean, I'd like to stay friends with Ohno and all, I honestly do like her, though it might be all weird between us now. I hope it isn't; god knows I wasn't looking for a friend in that situation but I definitely found one. I do honestly care about her... just not that way. I'm just getting confused, that's all. I'm definitely not gay. Would I have put up with Kousaka and all his crap if I was? Hell no, I'd have kicked his ass to the kerb long ago and been glad of it. I yawn loudly before continuing my thoughts. No, I'm definitely not gay. Definitely not gay. Completely and utterly not gay. Not in any way shape or form. So not gay...


My eyes fly wide open as I wake, my body covered in sweat, moisture pooling between my legs. What the hell was that dream? Her touch, her smell, her smile... Arg, it's just my brain being all weird. It's only because I... because of what happened yesterday. It's not like I've ever had dreams like that about other women before, so I'm sure it's just a reaction to that kiss. It'll all be over soon enough. Still... it was kinda nice.

Rolling onto my side, I peer across the darkened room at the neon green glow of my alarm clock and muffle a curse. It's only one in the morning and I just know I won't get back to sleep. If I did, I'd probably only dream of Ohno again, and that's the last thing I want to happen. But then, what the hell else am I gonna do?

I dismiss the first thought my body offers, instead rolling out of bed. I pad quietly through the hall to the bathroom, turning on the shower. I try to think of nothing but getting myself clean as I rub the bar of soap over my body, scrubbing furiously as if I could remove the thought of her, of that dream. It doesn't work, but a girl can hope can't she? It's all just... too much for me. I really don't need all of this right now.

Grabbing a towel as I step out of the shower, I quickly dry myself off before returning to my room to grab my robe and cigarettes. Pull it on, I go out onto the balcony and light up, sucking down big clouds of thick smoke into my lungs. The moon is full and bright, glimmering in the night sky. I kinda wish I didn't live in Tokyo on nights like this, so that I could look up and see the stars clearly. I remember back in elementary school, when the teacher asked us what we wanted to be, my dream was to be an astronaut. All the other girls wanted to be housewives or some boring crap like that, but not me, no way. It didn't last long, but oh well. I suppose I wasn't really much of a girly-girl when I was young, and while I guess in some ways I'm still not, I'm a lot better than I used to be. Well, not better, more feminine.

Tossing my cigarette over the side, I go back to my room, collapsing on the bed. I feel completely awake, no chance of sleep in the near future. As I look around the room, my eyes stop upon a small pile of books teetering over the edge of my desk. To hell with it, I'm bored and I might as well; I grab the stack and curl up on the bed, opening up the first one. I can't tell Ohno about this though, she'll never let me hear the end of it: me, the non-otaku, reading Kujibiki Unbalance. Or maybe I'll just read it and hate it. Certainly, if I like it, I won't say a word. So not giving her that bit of ammunition!

It's dawn before I know it and I'm still unsure why I'm reading these. It's not that they're especially bad, but they're really not very good. Everyone just seems so... stupid. Instead of getting things out into the open, they let them fester, bubbling up inside and eating away at their spirit. I guess being open is important, but it's all good and well saying that about characters in a stupid manga, what about real life? How am I supposed to talk about it when I don't even know what it is?

I say that, but I know full well what it is, I'm just not being honest with myself. I kissed her. I kissed her because I wanted to. I didn't just think to myself, oh I'm going to kiss her, but that's exactly what I did. On some deep primal level, I wanted to do it.

So what does it mean? I'm attracted to her? Well, she is pretty, even with that hair. And she's a good person, I really enjoy spending time with her. It's funny actually, before she joined the Genshiken, I had lots of friends away from all of the geekiness, but I guess I've been neglecting them more and more in favour of her. Is this one of those subconscious things? Have I been trying to spend more time with her because...

This is stupid. I'm sitting here, trying to reason all of this crap out. Hah, what a laugh. There's nothing to work out, I'm not gay. And even if I was, which I'm not, she isn't anyway. I mean, what about her baldy fetish? Or all the yaoi doujins she reads? She likes guys way too much to ever be a lesbian.

Still, I could do with talking to her. We didn't really get any resolution yesterday because of Tanaka. I mean, she's a good friend, I don't want this to become something that comes between us. Looking at the clock, I see it's almost six in the morning. I grab my bag and head out of the door, sparking up a cigarette as I make my way through the streets. There's not many people travelling on the train in the same direction at this time of day, so I actually manage to get a car all to myself. It's kind of surreal actually, a Tokyo train that's virtually deserted, the still rising sun shining in through the windows, the only sound that of the train itself. It's one of those bizarre moments where everything is serene, and it all just clicks. Like maybe there is a sense of purpose to everything in this world. I like stuff like that, it makes me feel kinda privileged to witness it.

The train ride itself doesn't last all too long, and it's only a few minutes walk from the station to my destination. I stand outside, staring at the building as I smoke another cigarette, hesitant to enter. I take one last drag, stamp it out and steel myself before I go inside. I knock on the door, silently thanking the heavens for the fact that Ohno lives alone, like I do. I wait about a minute, but there's no response, so I knock again, harder and longer this time. I can hear movement inside, and a few moments later, the door opens, but it's not her whose there.

"...Tanaka?"