Chapter Five - Savaged
"Kasukabe-san? What are you... no, wait, come in please," Tanaka says, stepping away from the door. What on earth is going on? As I go inside, it hits me. The only reason Tanaka would be here this early in the morning is if he stayed the night.
"Uh, should I be here? I can go if you want," I say, suddenly feeling really uncomfortable and off-balance. I mean, what the hell? Yesterday we kiss and then she fucks Tanaka?
No, that's not fair on her. I kissed her, not the other way round. And she did kind of complain about, well...
"No! Please, it's really alright. I could, uh, use your help actually."
I just stare at him as he looks at me expectantly. Too many horrible thoughts running through my head for me to dare open my mouth. What the hell help does he need me for? Wait, surely he doesn't mean... My thoughts taper off as I hear the sound coming from the bedroom, and I'm in there before I know it, sinking to my knees beside Ohno and pulling her into my arms.
I'm not sure how long it is we hold each other like that, her crying piteously as I wrap her up tightly against me, a hand gently stroking through her hair. It's only when I hear movement that I turn my head to look at Tanaka once more. Rage fills me and I swear on all that is holy I'm going to hurt him if he's done something to her. "What did you do?" I growl at him, rising to my feet.
"What? I... nothing!" he protests, waving his hands in front of him, but I'm not buying it for a single second.
"What. Did. You. Do." I hiss through clenched teeth, my fists balled up by my side.
"I didn't do anything! She was just crying, I don't know why!"
Quickly I step in, grabbing him by the lapels. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" I scream, full volume in his face.
"I don't know! She was just crying when I woke up this morning!"
Confirmation. He did stay here last night. "The two of you... slept together?" It's barely a whisper as it escapes my lips.
Hands grab my hips from behind. "Don't! Don't..." I hear Ohno say, but I don't dare turn around to look at her.
"You did, didn't you?"
"I... yes."
And there it is, reality. Gently, I release my grip, smoothing down his lapels, though I can't bear to look up at him. "Just... go."
"What?"
"Please, just go Tanaka. I'll deal with this."
"I, well... alright. Thanks Kasukabe-san." He picks up a bag from where it sits in a corner, and taking one last look back at Ohno, he leaves the apartment.
I don't know how long it is the two of us are silent, me just standing there, facing away from Ohno, as she clings to my waist, her forehead resting against the hollow of my back.
"I... I'm so sorry," she mumbles.
Slowly I turn around, sinking to my knees before her. "What for? You haven't done anything wrong Kanako." I brush away a tear as it rolls down her cheek. "There's nothing wrong with being with someone you love, is there?" I place a soft kiss on her forehead before wrapping her up in my arms, her head resting in the crook of my neck. I know I should smile, but I can't. My face feels like it's made of stone, utterly impassive to the world. I don't think I dare let my emotions show; surely I would break down if I were to.
Things are... weird between us now. The aftermath of that kiss will always hang around, casting a shadow over us, but that's how it has to be I guess. We're still good friends, better than ever really. We study together, still eat at Profiterole and Shichimei Kan together, get dragged out shopping by the other, and generally spend a lot of time together.
I'm still with that dummy Kousaka, and we're not doing too badly. Sure, I get royally pissed off at his total Otaku side, but there are times when he's so sweet to me. Ohno and Tanaka are going strong too, and she's growing as a person too. She was so meek and reserved when she first came to the Genshiken, but she's showing other sides of her character these days, whilst still being just as sweet as always. As long as she's not having another one of her snits. And of course, we're all still in the Genshiken. That Kuchiki idiot from last year came back and signed up, as well as this really weird girl called Ogiue. I swear, her hair looks like a paintbrush or something. She's utterly hilarious really, her attitude towards Otaku, despite the fact she totally is one herself. It's so easy to poke fun at her, and it's amusing to watch her and Ohno clash. Sometimes I think I've heavily influenced Ohno in some of her inventively cruel tricks she plays on Ogiue, though she has a long way to go until she reaches my level of proficiency.
There are times that I feel really bad about all of this though. Late at night, when I'm just laying there, I remember the taste of her on my lips, the feel of her pressed against me. The truth is, and I've only come to realise this recently, is that I love her. And yet, it's like I'm playing games with all of them. I'm in a relationship with Kousaka, even though I love someone else. I'm best friends with Ohno, even though I want her so badly it makes me ache. I even make efforts to get on better with Tanaka, and yet, I long to steal his girlfriend from him.
But none of that is going to happen, is it? She loves Tanaka, she gave herself to him, and I just have to go on with my life. Logically, I know I should get away from her, steer clear of the Genshiken, but I'm like a moth to the flame, I guess. I get burned again and again, but I'm still hovering around, unable to escape this attraction.
Two years. Two years until I graduate. Maybe then I can shake myself free of this, and get on with the rest of my life. But the cracks are still here with me, and I think they always will be.
The End
I figure those of you reading this are pretty caught off guard by this ending, but I guarantee you aren't nearly as surprised as I was! I honestly had no intention of ending this fic quite so soon, nor in this way, but as I sat down to resume writing this chapter (I wrote the first 270 odd words the same day I finished chapter four), this idea suddenly hit me. I realise that it may well disappoint you, but this is the ending as it should be. From what I thought was going to end up being a somewhat AU fic, it's managed to tuck itself right back into the manga continuity quite easily. The biggest thing I like about this ending is that it doesn't set in stone that the two never end up together, just that they aren't right now. As Saki says in the last line, she's still vulnerable to Ohno, still longs for her, so there's always a chance. It's just not happening right now.
Truly, I hope you can all forgive me for doing this to you, but to me, this is definitely the right way to end Through the Cracks. And now I suddenly have more time for that Shoujo Kakumei Utena fic that's been bugging away at me...
I hope to see you all again, reading another of my stories! (Maybe one with an actual happy ending! ZOMG!) Thank you, and happy reading!
-- Holly Warner (08/10/06)
(Oh, and you might want to think about checking the thread for this story on the Shoujo-Ai forums. A little extra for this story should pop up there in the next few days!)
