Because you asked for it, another random installment of Til Death Do Us Part, this chapter written based on popular demand (to get Aang laid)!
A quick note: this series is soon coming to a close. After all, weddings can't go on forever. But never fear! There's always more funny to come!o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Head On
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When Aang heard Azula's shrill scream in tandem with Sokka's, he purposefully headed away from the source of the noise.
"Avatar Aang!" Someone called.
He turned and blinked. "Professor Zei?"
The bookish scholar weaved around the guests, his head whip lashing around as he marveled at the prestigious partygoers gathered at the Fire Nation palace, the centuries-old architecture of the reception hall, the finery, the costume, the food, and so forth. His eyes, wide as saucers, glowed with pleasure at the lavish splendors all around him, a grin plastered on his face as he mentally recorded and catalogued everything for his latest book: "The Avatar and Me: An Account of the Events Surrounding the Downfall of Fire Lord Ozai and How I Got Trapped and Subsequently Escaped from Wan Shi Tong's Library to Attend the Best Wedding Ever."
Okay, so the title needed work.
"But… I thought you were trapped Wan Shi Tong's Library!" Aang reiterated his bafflement.
"Oh, not so, not so!" The professor withdrew a blueprint of the subterranean library from his overstuffed canvas bag of scrolls, books, and other paper paraphernalia he had brought with him. Zei spread the rolled up parchment over a nearby table and pointed to a few lines and squiggles.
"See, here's a secret passage in and out of the building, clearly marked and easily accessible…" he paused thoughtfully "…which, I suppose doesn't make it a secret passage at all. Except for the sign above the door that read 'Secret Passage.' Hmm. Something for me to fix when I get back."
Aang blinked.
"Funny thing," Zei continued, "That passage is a perfectly straight, comfortable, well-lit underground path from the middle of the desert to the Earth Kingdom capital! Would you believe, it leads right up into the cellar of the best tavern in the middle of Ba Sing Sei? Now I know where that old Owl goes every night."
Aang stared at blueprint, absorbing Zei's revelation, and began rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly, a desiccated sigh escaping through his teeth.
"Professor Zei? Is that you?" Toph ambled toward him.
"Master Toph! It's so good to see you!" They exchanged pleasantries, and Zei explained how he got his invitation. "Those foxy library helpers, you know," he chuckled. "They'll catalogue anything. If I hadn't been in the 'Wedding Invitations' section that day, I might have missed receiving it altogether."
Toph kept her face neutral
"Right. Listen, gotta go before Sokka and Azula figure out where I am. Also, I hear they put out a fresh strawberry mousse cake," Toph waved goodbye with a waggle of her fingers, paying not a whit of attention to Aang, who had been trying to catch her eye (or feet, he supposed) all night, before she walked away.
Zei couldn't help but remark upon the Avatar's despondent sigh.
"Trouble in paradise?" he asked slyly, nudging him.
Aang stared after his Earthbending teacher, her budding curves standing out in her cream and gold dress. "She won me in a dance competition. I'm supposed to stay on her arm all night, but she won't even look at me. Now I'm kinda… Well… I guess I never really realized how…you know…Toph is."
"Beautiful? Loveable? Hot? Sexy? Erotic as a kitten goddess lapping up milk?" Zei suggested.
"Wha…? No! I mean, yes, but…ew, you pervert!" Aang wrinkled his nose at the professor.
"Hey, for the last two years it's just been me, an Owl spirit, and a bunch of dogs, plus four floors of erotica from around the globe," Zei said archly. "Cut me some slack. I'm here to get me some booty, just like everyone else tonight. Speaking of which," he extracted a huge tomb from the bag, all scholarly business once more, "I may be able to help you out with your lady troubles." He handed Aang the leather-bound book.
"'What Women Want: A Guide to Getting A Gal to Gawk at You.'" Aang read aloud. "I think Sokka has the annotated paperback edition of this."
Zei ignored this comment (scholars scorned annotations: they might as well be Reader's Digests) and opened the book to a few dog-eared pages. "I brought this along with me for reference. You never know when this kind of stuff could come in handy."
Aang looked at the first page. "'Playing it cool: Aloofness 101 for Nice Guys.'" He read, and shook his head. "Tried that once before. Doesn't work."
"Hmm. Well, how about this?" He turned the page.
"'1001 Surefire Pickup Lines for 1001 Surefire Girls'" The monk glanced surreptitiously over his shoulder at Jet standing a few feet away. The pretty Earth Kingdom girl he was talking to kicked him in the shin and swept away. "Pass."
Zei flipped through the book once more. "This technique is supposed to be a good one… uh, not that I've tried it."
Aang looked at the diagrams and flinched. "I can't do that! I'm a monk! And what if she…" he mimed out what he was most afraid of, cupping his crotch protectively at the thought.
"Hmm. You're probably right. Plus, she's an Earthbender, so…" the professor mimed out what Aang had, and added a few painful-looking Earthbending flourishes.
They shuddered together.
"Professor Zei, is that you?" Katara, arm in arm with Zuko, joined the two. The scholar greeted the royal newlyweds with a bow and got caught up.
"Oh, and this is for you," he handed them a small book bound in red leather with gilded pages. "Congratulations on your nuptials."
"Ooh!" Katara's eyes widened at the pretty shiny. "It's so beautiful, it's…" she opened the book to a random page, her eyes growing huge and her cheeks going crimson. She snapped it shut.
"It's a signed first edition," Zei nodded appreciatively, "and very educational. Not that I've read all of it. Just looked at the pictures, mostly. I didn't know the human body was even capable of that kind of flexibility. Really gives a whole new meaning to the term 'bending'…"
"I'm sure it'll come in handy on Friday nights. Thank you, Professor," Zuko said with a wicked look for his blushing bride as he took the little book out of Katara's hands and tucked it into his pocket.
"So, what were you two talking about before we interrupted?" Katara asked, a little flustered.
"Oh, the Avatar here was just discussing methods by which he might attract Master Toph's atten—" Aang, red-faced, waved him off emphatically. Zei stuttered and flailed. "That is, he was…trying…to…uh…attract…mas…magnetic…uh…magnetic…tophs magnetic isotopes…"
Zuko looked over at his best man. "You sly dog. Looking to get hitched yourself now? And to Toph, no less. I should've known."
"Oh Aang, that's so sweet!" Katara hugged him, and the young monk looked distinctly uncomfortable under Zuko's unwavering yellow gaze, the sparks of jealousy crackling off him dissipating only when his wife released him. "I hope it works out for you."
"Well, therein lies the dilemma," Zei expounded. "It seems the Avatar has no idea how to attract a woman. I've been offering him tips from my reference manual but—"
"Professor Zei!" King Bumi came shuffling arthritically up. "I haven't seen you for years!" They chatted it up. "What's going on?"
"Aang wants to get laid," Zuko stated.
"By Toph," Zei added, giving up the pretense of hiding the Avatar's secret.
"We're trying to give him advice on how to win her over." Katara explained.
"Hmm, wanna win over an Earthbender, eh?" Bumi cackled at the young Avatar. "I knew you had Earth fever."
Humiliation and indignity tinted Aang's cheeks a shade redder.
"Have you tried flowers?" Katara asked. "All girls like flowers."
"Not Toph." Zuko shook his head. "She has allergy issues, or something."
"Nothing says love quite like a genamite creeping crystal rock candy ring!" Bumi chimed in. "After all, she's a very SWEET girl who can really GROW on you!"
Cough.
Zei produced another book. "Poetry! Nothing's more romantic than verse. Like this classic:
A pretty
young thing from Omashu
Wore
petticoats that you could wash, too.
One wet,
stormy day,
She left
out her stays,
And now
it's a dress you can see through."
There was no uncomfortable cough that time. Even Bumi kept his mouth shut at the distinctly foul—and by foul, he meant BAD—limerick.
"Honesty's always a good policy," Katara said. A head popped up behind her.
"Catch her a tiger seal," Bato suggested.
"…Make her a hat…" The Duke said.
"…No, set off some fireworks!..." Chey cried.
"…Need to borrow my Xirxiu?..."
"—Melons! Sweet juicy melons!..."
"…Build her her own island!..."
"Oh, just kiss her and be done with it!" Iroh huffed, passing the ever-growing congregation of advice-givers with a loaded plate of desserts from the buffet.
Aang carefully backed out of the throng of well-wishing advisors as they continued to argue about the best way to get a girl's attention. Mind you, half of them had no idea what was going on, and the other half didn't seem to realize the young monk was barely 115 and as awkward as a newborn hopping llama skating on thin ice. Toph, meanwhile, had the poise and grace of a lady twice her age, plus all the grit and obstinacy of a woman twice Gran-Gran's age. How was he supposed to contend with that?
He snuck off to a quiet corner and let out a long breath in relief and despair.
"Hey," Zuko leaned up against the wall next to his best man, smirking as he watched the group duke it out. Chalk it up to his ex-stalker to find him when no one else could.
The Fire Lord chuckled quietly. "Toph."
Aang's face puckered. "Don't laugh! I bet I have more fangirls than you now! Why, I...I bet I could have anyone in this room, if I really wanted!"
The Firebender rolled his eyes, his expression speaking for him: no one had more fangirls than Zuko did. "I'm not laughing at you. Well, I am, but not for the reason you think."
Aang looked nonplussed.
"Katara's expecting me to give you some kind of mano-a-mano, be your wingman or something, and help get you hooked up. But Toph… well, you already know her, and you have an established relationship." He scratched his head. "I don't actually know how she expects me to help you. Flirting's not really my area of expertise."
"But… you flirted with Katara lots," Aang pointed out.
"Constantly trying to kill each other doesn't count." Zuko said. "Although, some people do consider that foreplay..." He rubbed his jaw thoughtfully.
"Anyhow," the Firebender shook his head, storing those ideas for later, "I only have one piece of advice for you. If you're going to make your move, you're going to have to play by Toph's rules."
"Her rules? What does that even mean?" Aang asked, befuddled.
"Well, she was your Earthbending teacher for over a year. Surely you must have learned something about her that will help you figure out the puzzle that is Toph Beifong."
Aang thought hard.
A lantern lit above his bald head.
"I got it!"
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Master Toph "The Blind Bandit" Beifong was discussing the finer points of Earth Rumble fighting—specifically, the difference between hitting a guy with a rock, and hitting a guy with a rock really hard—with a group of young Earthbending men when she felt feather-light steps marching steadily her way.
Twinkle Toes, she smiled to herself, but did not react as Aang reined in next to her. Instead, she continued talking to the benders, who seemed quite smitten with her.
"Hey Toph," Aang's voice was full of steel. "Can I talk to you a minute?"
She stopped her lecture. "Not now, Aang, can't you see I'm busy?"
She felt him shuffle his feet, pivot on his heel and start to shamble away. But he stopped and spun again, reaching her in two definitive strides. He grabbed her hand.
"Excuse me, boys," he growled to Toph's admirers and yanked the young woman away, dragging her to the far corner.
"What do you think you're doing?" Toph snapped when they reached a private alcove, "Can't you see I was—"
She didn't have time to protest any further as the Avatar, master of all the elements, her student, her friend, kissed her senseless.
For a minute there, Toph thought she could see.
His warm, moist mouth suddenly pulled away from hers, and she gasped at the cool air brushing her swollen lips. "Whoa." She reeled a little and fell back against the wall, breathless. "Uh…"
"So… what do you think?" Aang asked sheepishly.
"I…" Toph cleared the frog from her throat. "What was that?"
Aang rubbed his scalp and cleared his throat. "I decided to meet the challenge head on, just like you taught me. No different angle, no clever solution, and no trickety-trick. I just…went for it."
"Oh."
That was all she was going to say? Oh?
"So… uh… you wanna go… do… an activity together? At a place…for some time…?" Even as he used Sokka's patented cringeworthy pickup line, Aang could feel the steel in his resolve turn to jelly along with his spine.
But Toph didn't turn away from him, or call him names or point and laugh. She grinned, and her cheeks went a little pink. "Actually, Aang, there are some subtleties I don't mind you practicing. Romance requires a lot more finesse than Earthbending, you know."
"It does?"
Toph managed not to laugh sarcastically. "C'mon. Follow me to the coatroom, and I'll show you."
As they walked off hand in hand, Iroh, standing in one corner and watching the youngsters while munching on a cream puff, snickered.
"Hmph. Told ya so." He popped the pastry into his mouth and let the sweet cream flood his senses.
