Chapter 9
The Last Chapter, I PROMISE! (Except for a little section at the end.)
The next morning, both Pinky and Brain were back in Acme Labs. In an outcome so perfect even the Brain couldn't have planned it that way, the scientists at the lab had been so engrossed by Mitochondria in Action that they had all spontaneously quit in order to make the lecture circuit with it. And since the government wouldn't be able to supply more scientists to the facility until the next day, the lab mice had more than ample time to prepare for their long-awaited takeover of the world. (There was talk of a character called "Mandark" buying out the facility to repair and improve his own lab, but apparently it was an unfounded rumor started by a jealous cartoon company.)
To return to the point, Brain was pacing up and down the desk their cage sat on, every so often darting glances at the Pink Porcupine ensconced in tissue paper on the bookshelf. He was still trying to puzzle out how best to advertise his claw machine and the diamond, as it was vitally important that everyone on the planet used up all of their currency on the first day. After that, they would logically go back to their respective mints and print up some more, but as long as he and Pinky could manage to capture those mints before that, they would be in control of all the money in the world by that night, thereby taking over the world! The very prospect made Brain shiver.
But then he realized that he was actually shivering because Pinky was playing with the air conditioner again.
"Pinky!" he barked, and the gawky mouse zoomed right over, his arm snapping into a salute.
"Right-o, Brain! Troz!"
Brain resumed pacing as Pinky stood to attention. "This is one of the most crucial moments of the plan," he informed Pinky. "All must be ready by this afternoon for the takeover to be successful. I shall begin advertising through major websites across the planet, after which I shall pirate the satellites and broadcast my message on international television." He pointed to Pinky. "Pinky, you shall be in charge of putting the diamond into the claw machine. Also, I'm going to need you to count out one billion packing peanuts and place them in the machine as well, though keeping the diamond clearly visible." Brain then paused to think for a moment. "The location of the machine..." he pondered aloud. "The lab is too small for the population of the world to fit into, so...perhaps if...theoretically..." He ran a series of complicated calculations through his head. Apparently coming to a decision, he turned back to Pinky. "After all that, I'll need you to borrow my mechanical suit and convey the claw machine to Forbes Hall. Do you believe you can handle that without messing up?"
Pinky counted on his fingers as he repeated the information. "Ummm, diamond, claw machine, packing peanuts, suit, Forbes." He gave his superior an emphatic thumbs-up. "You can count on me, Brain!" Pinky reassured him with a "Zort!". He was spasmodic with excitement. Not only were they going to finally take over the world, Brain was actually letting him use THE SUIT! Pinky never got to use the suit, and it was always so much fun to get into the giant, human-shaped mechanical shell and have people think that you were just a broad-shouldered, formally-dressed man with a small, furry head.
"Good," Brain replied. He was a bit uneasy about giving Pinky that much responsibility, but hacking into prominent and presumably well-protected websites and TV stations would take him the entire morning and he needed absolutely everything done before the afternoon came about. So encouraging himself, he hurried off to the lab's main computer terminal and started work. A small part of him wished that he had had more time so he could have also inserted ads in newspapers, magazines and skywriting for those smaller countries that didn't have computers or TVs, but he consoled himself with the fact that societies who couldn't buy such items also wouldn't have any money to spend on the claw machine.
Pinky, meanwhile, was very cautiously lugging the Pink Porcupine over to the claw machine, pausing occasionally for breath—even he, a tall mouse for his age, only barely topped the diamond in height. With a heavy pant, Pinky finally deposited the treasure at the base of the machine, then leaving the diamond on the floor, he began to climb up to the glass panel beyond which still lay the random knickknacks Brain had filled it with the day before. Pinky stared at them for a while, then desire temporarily overwhelmed him and he scrambled down to the coin slot with a quarter. After they'd returned to Burbank the night before, Brain had immediately started work on converting the machine's slot into a universal coin size, but seeing as that would make it easier for people to insert non-monetary items, he'd compromised by converting the entire front of the machine into a series of coin slots for every currency imaginable.
Popping the quarter in the "U.S." slot, Pinky scampered back up to the joystick as the claw shuddered to life. Using the controls, he managed to get the machine to grab a wad of Post-Its, but at the last second the claw lost its grip and returned to its starting position. Pinky's ears flopped down in dejection. None of the claw machines he'd seen except for the construction claw had ever managed to grab what they were supposed to.
"A rubber band in the correct place works wonders," an astral voice sounding not totally unlike the Brain's reminded Pinky. Pinky pondered this for a moment then, scurrying around the back of the machine, opened a panel and darted inside. The interior of the claw machine was pitch black, but by feeling his way through the complicated wires and gears, he was able to find one single, solitary rubber band. Feeling excitement crawling up the back of his neck—or maybe just a dangling wire—Pinky grasped the piece of elastic and removed it from the machinery. Seeing that the entire thing didn't collapse on him, he emitted a triumphant "Narf!" and hurried out the back hatch, closing it and pulling out another quarter. This time, the machine picked up and held on to everything Pinky directed it to.
With a happy string of sounds, Pinky got back to work in preparation of total domination of the world.
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If you have ever heard the notion that the entire population of the world could be successfully packed into Rhode Island, then it will not be hard for you to envision the scene at Forbes Hall that afternoon. Every sort of person from every walk of life, of every ethnicity, of every creed, of every height, weight and odor was packed into that one place, all in a massive line for the Brain's claw machine. Even the scientists who had formerly worked at Acme Labs were there, although they had no idea that such an amazing feat could have been made by the same two lab mice they had been experimenting on for so long. All they knew was that they were waiting eagerly for one o'clock to chime so that the spokesman of "Braintech Claw Machines" would allow them to try their luck at acquiring that one treasure sought by all throughout the globe: the Pink Porcupine Diamond.
Pinky and Brain were watching these proceedings with interest from a rafter high up in the ceiling. Brain rubbed his sweating palms together with a nervous tingle of excitement. It was now three minutes until one, and then they'd wheel out the claw machine and—Brain now had to suppress thrilled shivers every time the thought came to mind—they would rule the world. Now, however, Pinky tapped him inquisitively on the shoulder.
"Uh, Brain," he whispered, "should I go out and start taking over the, um, the money-printing places now?" That had been their plan; Brain would monitor the success of the claw machine at the Hall while Pinky in the mechanical suit borrowed an airplane and secured the mints with the help of some unionized trained iguanas that the Brain had bought out.
Brain shook his head, his heart throbbing madly with anticipation. "Remain a few minutes longer," he commanded breathlessly as he watched even more people pour into the main presentation room of the Hall. "At least do not leave until the first person has put their coins in." In a display of companionship that the Brain seldom displayed, he patted Pinky on the back. "You're the one who actually found the diamond, Pinky; you deserve to view the first moment of its triumph!"
Pinky beamed. If he was proud now, wait 'till the Brain discovered the improvement Pinky had made to the claw machine!
At last only one minute remained until one o'clock, and the two mice scampered back down to ground level. Weaving carefully through the sea of human feet, Pinky reached the light control panel and dimmed the lights significantly, leaving on one spotlight pointing towards a stage at the front of the room. The gossiping humans instantly shushed as on the stage a very small, white mouse wheeled out a black-and-red claw machine with a newly painted "Braintech" label in yellow on the front. Puffing and wheezing from the effort, Brain finally gave the huge contraption one last push—and the enshrined Pink Porcupine Diamond captured the entire beam of the spotlight, refracting the glare back at the audience like a small, pink disco ball.
"Oooooooh," the population of the world marveled as one. You could practically hear the cha-CHING! as little dollar signs erupted into the air around their heads.
The Brain cleared his throat into a microphone as Pinky scrambled onstage next to him. As part of their disguises, both mice were wearing business suits and ties apprehended from little "Ken" dolls they'd found at Goodwill. Brain cleared his throat again, and this time all noise ceased as his voice echoed distinctly across the entire room.
"Good day, citizens of the world," he announced, trying his best to keep a stony expression although his facial muscles continued to twitch into the shape of a thoroughly dastardly grin. "I am Don Cerebro, wealthy CEO of Braintech International, and I am very proud to announce that after so many long years of people searching for the Pink Porcupine Diamond, I have found it!"
Nobody disagreed on this point. The diamond was still tantalizingly visible on top of the pile of one billion packing peanuts. ...Well, more accurately, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred seventy-seven; Pinky had taken the "peanuts" part literally, and twenty-three of the billion were now settled in his stomach.
"Therefore, myself being a very generous mou—er, man," Brain continued, his lungs pumping harder in order to keep his excitement from his voice, "I present to you a unique opportunity: a chance to win the diamond simply by trying out the new Braintech Claw Machine!"
A vocal few protested the sensibility of this, giving away such a valuable prize in a claw machine, but they were quickly hushed by everyone else lest the chance for terrible wealth be snatched away from them. Watching the complete pandemonium, Brain simply could no longer contain himself, and his last proclamation came out with a bellow: "NOW, PEOPLES OF THE WORLD, PREPARE TO TEST YOUR LUCK!"
There was a huge thundering noise, and part of the Earth's crust moved a few feet to the left as everyone in the world dashed madly to be the first in line for the claw machine.
Standing on a pedestal safely out of the way of the throng, Pinky and Brain waited with bated breath as the first man walked nervously up to the machine. He was somewhat tall, with a solid frame, reddish-peach complexion, brown hair and lightly-sprinkled mustache and beard. He polished his glasses on his sleeve before pulling out his wallet, grabbing a quarter and, with some difficulty, finding the "U.S." slot on the machine and popping it in. The Brain's pulse raced with excitement as the machine whirred, the man grabbed the joystick and finally—
The Pink Porcupine Diamond tumbled out of the prize chute and into the man's waiting hands, where he grabbed it up with a triumphantly amazed cry of "I GOT IT!"
Brain's jaw dropped all the way to the floor.
Everything around him seemed to have taken on an unreal quality as the man held up the diamond in celebration, the entire world population became stunned, then indignant, then finally every human on the planet except the lucky man began to trash Forbes Hall in protest before storming away and proclaiming war on each other (as usual). The Brain stood there speechlessly for quite some time after everyone else had left, and only after Pinky hesitantly coughed was the world's almost-ruler able to speak.
"How...how is that possible?" he gaped. "That machine...that machine actually allowed him to get the prize he wanted? I built it specifically so it wouldn't!"
Still partially stunned, Brain wandered over to the claw machine itself, which had somehow managed to remain almost completely intact when the rest of the Hall was being decimated. Crawling in through the back hatch, Brain felt around for the vital rubber band, but was unable to find it. "The rubber band!" he cried. "It's been removed!"
Pinky popped up then. "Oh, I did that, Brain!" he announced cheerfully. Brain stared at him blankly, the information not registering. "See, Brain," Pinky explained, pantomiming his story, "every time I tried to get something out of the machine, it wouldn't let me! So I crawled in the back and took out the rubber band, and then the claw actually got the—" The implications of this seemingly-innocent thought finally reached Pinky's cranium, and his ears flattened against his skull. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh..." he trailed off quietly.
Brain's body spasmed and he advanced menacingly towards Pinky. "You removed the rubber band!" he demanded wildly, shaking the taller mouse by his shoulders. Pinky squeaked, then cringed out of the way of the expected blow. And Brain was about to deliver it as well, until he just shook his head gruffly and dropped Pinky. "What does it matter after all?" he grumbled sourly as Pinky picked himself off the ground and carefully tiptoed back towards the Brain. "If we had actually managed to secure all the currency in the world," Brain continued in the same tone, "that would cause inflation and displacement of economy. The money would be worthless!"
There was a slight pause. "Oh," Pinky remarked, scratching his head as he mentally jumbled it all together. "Kinda like what happened in Wakko's Wish, right Brain?" He stiffened as he involuntarily emitted a "Zort!"
Brain sighed. "Yes, just like in Wakko's Wish, Pinky," he reaffirmed, beginning to walk out of the wrecked presentation hall. He turned back. "Now hurry up! We must return to the lab to get over our jet lag and plan for tomorrow night!"
Pinky trotted along behind the Brain. "Why?" he asked with a goofy grin, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it again. "What're we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?"
The Brain stared out over the horizon towards the imposing building of Acme Labs. "The same thing we do every night, Pinky," he replied as he headed off towards it. "TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
The music returned.
"They're Pinky,
They're Pinky and the
Brain Brain Brain Brain Brain—"
"And shut off that radio!" Brain commanded as the fanfiction drew to a close.
—the end—
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Back in Acme Labs, I close the document "Brain vs. the Claw Machine" and set my PowerBook G3 to "Sleep". I've finally finished. I slump back in my chair with a relieved sigh that will probably cause an earthquake in China.
A little mouse pops up from behind my computer, a lanky white creature with a protrudant red nose, ruffled fur and a slight overbite. He jumps on top of the black laptop and leans backwards, chuckling.
"That was fun! Zort!" he comments. "I've never been in France before."
"Neither have I, Pinky," I confess. "All that stuff, barring watching movies set in France, reading the Encyclopedia Britannica entry and grabbing an article off was totally made up. So there were probably lots of errors in it."
Pinky cocks his head thoughtfully. "Wuh?" he asks. "I didn't notice." Then he remembers what he's said before. "Oh, right, that's 'cause I wasn't in France before that. Sorry."
"That's not true," I correct him, sitting up as I draw on my nearly encyclopedic wealth of Pinky and the Brain-related knowledge. "You were there in 'Napoleon Brainaparte', even though that was Medieval France, and in 'Around the World in Eighty Narfs', which happen to be two of my favorite episodes."
Pinky scratches his head, then apparently decides to take my knowledge at face value. "All right." He sits silently for about ten seconds more before feeling compelled to emit a "Narf!"
"Incidentally," I comment, "I found this on Wikipedia, but did you know that 'Narf' actually originated with a guy named Eddie Fitzgerald who worked on Tiny Toon Adventures who would say randomly that?"
At this, Pinky sits bolt upright. "Really?"
"Yup." I've only just learned that. "In fact, you were a caricature of him."
Pinky sits in silence for a moment, then out of nowhere asks, "Well, in the story, what about that part with, ummmmm, the coal processing plant? How come that was so short?"
I wave the question away. "You could've just listened to the Brain, I mean, he's the one with the superior intellect and all. Just like he said, that was supposed to be the climax before I realized that there wasn't enough material to stretch out." I rub my neck embarrassedly. "Plus, that was ALSO from the Encyclopedia Britannica—and a pretty darn old one—so if there's some new way to do it now, don't blame me, I had no idea."
"I'm not gonna blame you," Pinky reassures me, chuckling as if I had said something ineffably ridiculous. Then he pauses. "Brain might, though."
I roll my eyes. "Well, DUH."
Pinky points at a string of type on the computer. "How come you're writing all this down?" he asks as I type 'How come you're writing all this down?'.
"Oh, it's just that it might be helpful to someone reading," I explain, quickly typing as I say it. "You know, like a 'Sorry for any places I might've messed up' and explaining why I—" I suddenly pause in horror as my eyes widen painfully. "Oh my god, this is just like those things at the end of The Magic School Bus!"
As my self-respect melts before my eyes, Pinky tilts his head in contemplation. "Wuh? I thought you got the idea from Mr., ummm, Acosta Perez José," he remarks, belatedly adding, "Ramiro."
Salvation having been given, I sit back up again. "That's right!" I cry, thankful for absolvence from anything remotely resembling educational TV. Then I slap my forehead. "Oh, MAN! I could've used that as an in-joke in the story!"
"Fjord?" Pinky asks, his ears perking up.
"An in-joke," I explain. "You know, a joke that references something else without directly saying so. Like...like that big section talking about 'that unrelated panther diamond'! I never actually SAID anything about The Pink Panther, but anyone who knew it would have gotten those jokes. Plus, with all those random-sounding names and phrases like 'Maurice the Coal Guy' and 'planet-sized cerebrum', and even the description of the winning guy at the end, all of which are just little in-jokes probably only I would get." I pause. "Since there're so many jokes like that throughout the course of the story I thought I'd put a guide to them in this section back here like in A Very Muppets Mystery, but..." My eyes light up, and I turn to the mouse sitting on my laptop. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
He scratches his head. "I THINK so, Crackpot," he replies, "but aren't the flippers a bit excessive?"
I'm about to answer, but then I fall back on this thought. "Well, MAYBE," I answer, "but combined with the 'Je Ne C'est Troz' of the—" I suddenly stop and shake my head vigorously. "No, no, I meant the OTHER one."
"Oh," Pinky realizes, his tail thumping from side to side in interest. "You mean that since you're too lazy to type them all out now, instead you'll send the list to the people who ask?"
"YEAH!" I confirm, getting into the idea. "And, uh, maybe if anyone can actually guess, maybe fifteen or twenty of them—barring the HUGE Pink Panther gag—without seeing the list can win a cameo in one of my new fanfics!" I grab a little sheet of paper I've been keeping on my desk. "There's, um, about forty in-jokes in total, so that's half or less to find!" Skimming the list again, though, I halt. "But to guess even THAT much, they'd have to have my sort of oddball knowledge, like an intimate knowledge of all of Douglas Adams's works, a somewhat complete collection of Pinky and the Brain comic books, and the first volume of the DVDs!"
The thoughts seem to be running through Pinky's mind at breakneck speed. "So that'd be, uhhhh, sort of test to see who can think like you?" he asks.
I shiver compulsively. "If there is anyone like that, I pity them."
Pinky's tail starts thumping against the keyboard again, accidentally tapping random keygslhahfpohfldnfldnlknlkhfs."Anything else?"
I consider this, then shake my head. "I think that's it."
"Poit!" Pinky agrees. Suddenly, another voice enters the conversation.
"Pinky?" comes a deep, mousy voice from the other end of the lab. "Pinky, where are you! Don't you remember that we're going to take over the world tonight?"
I quickly unplug my PowerBook and stick it under my arm, heading for the lab's back door. "I better go!" I whisper to Pinky, who nods energetically and waves.
"See you next story!" he calls. "ZORT!"
