Author's note
I am sorry I did not upload last week, life seems to keep getting in the way of me uploading this.
Thank you all for reading along.
Enjoy!
For some reason we are not in a hurry this morning. Not anxious to get on the road and make our way further up north. So much so that, after breakfast, we go for a walk into town, where we pick up some clothes for me that are more suitable for the colder climate we have here and will have in Alaska.
Once I am dressed for this weather, Ranger and I wander down to Wye Lake. "Can we stay a couple more days?" I ask, before I even realise what is coming out of my mouth. Once it is out there, I don't feel the need to take it back. I want to spend a few more days here.
"Sure" He nods.
"Are you sure?"
"Definitely" He nods again and then we fall quiet once more, enjoying the scenery.
Ranger's POV
Once again I sit on her bed and watch her sleep. Like a creep, I do so every night. Entwining our fingers, holding her hand.
Every time I look at her, I think of what could have happened in that Motel room and it makes me want to destroy everything around me. It is something that will stay with me until the moment I take my last breath.
I hear her talking to Bobby everyday and I know my friend is getting more persistent for us to get a move on.
With what happened over a week ago, me attacking her, I should just tell her goodbye now, to get this trip over and done with, and go to Rehab. I know that without Rehab, Bobby, Tank and Les will deem me unfit to lead, just like they announced via our attorney just a few days ago. I have no choice but to do the treatment, if I want to keep working at my own damn company.
But another part of me doesn't want this to end. Tomorrow it's been a week since we arrived in Watson Lake and each day has been calmer than the next. My head is finally clear for the first time in years. No missions to prep for, no Rangemen business to attend to. There have been no nightmares, thank god, but I know this is too good to be true. It is only a matter of time before the storm in my head and therefore the nightmares return. They always do.
But Babe doesn't see that. She thinks she can save me, but I am broken. I am damaged. I am beyond saving.
Steph's POV
The next morning
"Steph, what are you doing?" Bobby questions when I call him like I do every morning.
"What do you mean?"
"You have been at Watson Lake for a week."
"I know...We just...I don't know. We are comfortable here." I shrug, even though I know he cannot see me.
"He has to go to Rehab." Bobby reminds me sternly and not for the first time in recent days.
"What if it won't help?" That is the one thing I am afraid of the most. That all this effort will have been for nothing.
"It will, but he needs to get there first."
"I know...It's just really nice and quiet here. I have never seen Ranger so...I dunno, content."
"Steph…"
"I know...we will be on our way soon." I promise and a few minutes later we hang up.
With a sigh, I lean back in the chair outside of our cabin. My ribs and collarbone are feeling better every day and my bruises are starting to lose their colour. I grab my coffee cup from the ground and take another sip.
This last week has been great. We spend the days going for long walks and exploring the area. But, unfortunately, since we got here, we have not had a shower together nor slept in the same bed. Maybe it is better that way, because when I get back home, I will already be used to it.
Our days are mostly spent in companionable silence. We point things out that we see around us or sometimes talk about mundane stuff like the Rangers losing another game or how true the stereotype about Canadians being always nice is around here. We are stuck in neutral, neither one of us seems to want to talk about the heavy stuff.
"Are you ready to go?" Ranger questions when he walks out the Cabin looking like he stepped out of an Advert for Jack Wolfskin. A new jacket, Backpack and boots that all look very outdoorsy, go along with his black beanie and sunglasses.
"Yeah, already to go." I tell him and then run inside to put the cup away and grab my jacket. He bought me a new jacket and boots too. To my suggestion we should be doing matching outfits, I received an unimpressed glare and a raised eyebrow, so I picked bright colours to his black ones. With only a little bit of discomfort when I lift my arms to get into the sleeves, I manage to pull the jacket on and then put the sling back in its place, before joining Ranger outside.
We are going to Liard River to do a full day hike. Ranger didn't want to do it last week, because he was concerned about my injuries, but we have officially run out of other things to do and after much persuasion and many promises to tell him when I have had enough, Ranger finally relented.
"I think we have walked far enough" Ranger announces four hours later. It is a beautiful day and the sun has been out the entire time. Both of us even shed our jackets. "Want to eat here and then hike back?" In that moment my stomach decides to make itself known with a loud grumble, eliciting a smirk from Ranger. "I guess that is a yes."
We sit down on a boulder overlooking the River. He passes me a couple of sandwiches, a thermos bottle filled with Coffee and some fruit, before grabbing his stuff out of the backpack too. Lea was kind enough to prepare food for us last night and also provided us with the Thermos bottle so we could make our coffee this morning.
"We really need to leave her a big tip" I state after I swallowed my first bite. "Lea's food rivals Ella's."
"Don't let Tia hear that" Ranger grins.
"My lips are sealed." I make a zipping motion across my mouth and pretend to throw the key away. "This is a beautiful place though, I am glad we stopped here."
"Me too." Ranger nods and then falls quiet again. He seems to have very deep thoughts today. A few times I tried talking to him and I had to repeat myself a couple of times to get his attention, because he was that far inside his head.
The hike back is pretty much the same. Spend in silence and I am tired as hell once we get back to the car. We pick up dinner on the way, Pizza and a couple of drinks for both of us, and then drive back to the Cabin.
Even though it's six PM, I almost fall asleep watching TV while we eat. "You want to take a shower before you go to sleep?" Ranger asks when he grabs the empty box from my bed, rips it to pieces and throws it into the fire.
"That would be a good idea. I smell." I grimace and sit up, despite my body's protests. "Maybe a full day hike wasn't such a good idea."
He narrows his eyes at me with worry. "Your injuries hurting?"
"Nah, but I can already feel my legs getting sore."
"I will help you stretch once you get out of the shower." He says and steps in front of me. Slowly he unzips my long sleeve thermal shirt and carefully helps my arms out of the sleeves. Next are my pants, underpants and bra.
"Thank you" I smile up at him, before standing. My legs are a little wobbly, which he must have realised, because he grabs my arm to steady me.
"Sit back down." he orders gruffly and I do as I am told. Then I watch him undress. My eyes immediately go to the tattoo on his left side, which I have yet to ask him about. A black and grey toned skull with a crown of thorns only showing its front and left side, the mouth open and all the front teeth missing. Closed Roses are growing on the thorns. Behind the skull, three Viking triangles are tattooed in fine lines.
Suddenly he steps naked between my legs and then lifts me up by my ass. "What are you doing?"
"You can barely walk, I will carry you into the shower and then help you wash."
"Fine" I sigh, as if it is a hardship having him doing all those things for me. Instead of protesting, my mind rather concentrates on the fact that his hard dick is rubbing along my clit with every step he takes.
Once in the shower he sits me on the bathroom counter and then goes into the big walk in shower, which takes up the entire back wall of the room and has a glass door, to heat it up, while I ogle him from afar. He really is in great shape. Those strong thighs, his delicious ass. "Take a picture it will last longer" Ranger chuckles when he steps back out, catching me in the act. I feel myself blush instantly. "Nothing you haven't seen before." He comments.
"True, but if my eyes don't perceive me, you have gotten a big bulkier."
"Is that so?" Ranger's eyes twinkle as he picks me up and carries me into the steaming shower. He lets me slide down his whole body, before I land gently on my feet. That part should have not been erotic, but my lord I am wet and not just from the water.
When I look at him, something in his eyes is different and for the life of me I cannot figure out what.
He picks up my body wash, pours a generous amount of it into his hands before applying it thoroughly all over my body. Just like the first time when we showered together on this trip, he pays really close attention to my breast and the spot between my legs, all the while never breaking eye contact.
I am all hot and bothered by the time Ranger grabs the handheld showerhead and turns water over from the rain shower to that one. He turns the water pressure to soft and starts rinsing off my arms and my shoulders before moving to my breasts, where he runs the head multiple times closely over my nipples. They were already standing at attention begging for his mouth, but now they are to the point of being painful.
Once he seems satisfied that all the suds are gone from that part of my body, he turns the pressure up to massaging and rinses off my legs and feet. At last he taps at my legs to open a little wider and points the water between my legs. "Ohhhh" a sigh escapes me and I close my eyes. I am so close to an orgasm that I have to bite down on my lip to keep from moaning. By now, I don't know if he is doing this to me on purpose or if it is my neglected lady parts making this into more than it is.
"Open your eyes Babe" Ranger murmurs into my ear and bites down on my earlobe. A moan escapes me after all, but I do as I am told. "Fuck it" I see him say more than hear it and the next thing I know, the hand that was holding me up, delves into my hair and he brings our mouths together.
A groan comes from him, a sigh from me, but there is no holding us back. We kiss, our tongues duelling for control. It is the hottest and the messiest kiss we have ever shared. Ranger angles the showerhead and brings it even closer to my clit, causing me to pull away from his mouth to suck in a deep breath. "Fuuuck" I groan and when I look into his eyes, I see pure lust, which sets me off. I shatter, see stars and I am pretty sure I briefly lose consciousness too. When I open my eyes, there is a very satisfied and proud smirk on his face. "Nothing more beautiful than seeing you come." He says and then smashes his lips back on mine for another devastating kiss.
When we pull apart to get some air, he leans me against the cool glass, before quickly scrubbing himself clean as well. Afterwards he wraps both of us into fluffy towels, before he carries me back into the main room. Thankfully the fire is still on, making the room cosy and warm.
Ranger places me carefully on my bed, then unwraps my towel as well as his. "Do you want this?"
"Depends on what you mean by this?" I quip back and eye his hard dick.
"You and me… sex." He clarifies.
"Oh that...mhh I am not sure" I grin and before I know it he hovers over me. After another breathtaking kiss, he crooks an eyebrow in question. "Yes, I want this." I whisper, despite my head singing 'one way ticket to heartbreak city'.
"You have to tell me if you are hurting. Gonna take it slow" He assures me and waits till I nod, before lining himself up. I can see him hesitating and worrying, so I wrap my legs as much as I can around him and pull him closer. While that move does hurt my ribs, the groan that escapes me, is for a very different reason. When he slides all the way in, the world seems right again. We always did fit perfectly together in the bedroom.
As promised, he does take it slow. Frustratingly so, despite his arms shaking from where he has to hold himself in essentially a plank position for a long time. His gentleness surprises me and I am overwhelmed with feelings I do not want to examine just yet. When I come, I cry out so loud, it wouldn't surprise me, if Lea heard it all the way at the reception. Ranger follows me not even a second later and then kisses me breathless once again.
"I will be right back" he says, before he pushes away from me and gets up. I watch his magnificent ass while he strides across the room and into the bathroom. That's when I feel something tickle from between my legs. Shit.
"Ranger…" I call out, trying not to freak out. We just did it without a condom. Not only could the pain meds I have been taking fuck with my pill, but I don't know if he always used a condom with the hookers he has been sleeping with. "Ranger!" I call out again, more panicked, when he doesn't answer straight away.
"What is it?" He asks with a lazy smile on his face when he walks back into the room with a wet washcloth. One look at my face, his smile drops. "Where does it hurt?"
I shake my head, trying not to get emotional over this, but failing miserably. "Ranger…" I whisper and he comes to hover above me. "We didn't use a condom."
"I know."
"How are you so calm about this?"
"Because I don't care, if this was the money shot then I would have no regrets." he explains.
"It isn't just about the money shot!" I almost screech. I hate when women raise their voices so that it comes out high pitched, but I cannot help it. I am having an internal meltdown right about now.
"Babe, I am clean. I get tested regularly, as per Rangemen requirements, and I always wear a condom" Ranger explains and a sigh of relief comes out of me. Still the scene from a week and a half ago with him and the hooker chooses that moment to jump into the forefront of my brain. "I wouldn't endanger you like that." He adds, seemingly knowing where my train of thought just went.
"The money shot…" I whisper and a tear leaks out of my eye, which he swiftly wipes away.
"I am sorry, I should have asked and thought ahead." He admits, regret written all over his face. "But if it was a money shot, I would support you no matter what."
"Just not in the way that would matter the most." I mutter. I am not sure if he heard me and chooses to ignore my comment or simply didn't hear it, either way, he pushes away and then cleans me up, before lifting me out of my bed and putting me onto his.
Once under the covers, him lying on his left shoulder facing me and me lying on my back thanks to my injuries, he grabs my hand and laces our fingers. A silence befalls us. The severity of what we just did and how much we still need to talk about, settles on my shoulders and pushes down on me so hard that I can barely breathe.
"Warriors weren't meant to survive the battlefield" He whispers and I almost didn't catch it over the crackling of the fire.
I turn my head towards him only to find him with a faraway look and no emotion on his face or in his eyes, which makes me instantly worry. "Don't say that!" I reply softly.
"That was Ronny's saying and I would answer him with the same thing as you just did."
"Who is Ronny?
"Was."
"Was, what?" I question confused.
"Who was Ronny?" He corrects me and I swallow hard. Shit. "Ronny... He was our Sergeant and older than us. Already had two children and a wife at home by the time we met after Ranger School... Showing up at his wife's house when we got back from our first mission…" Ranger pauses and swallows hard. I don't dare to say anything, afraid he will stop talking otherwise. "His best friend Tommy was the next highest ranking team member, he should have been the one to talk to Ronny's wife, but it fell to me instead, because Tommy…Tommy was beside himself. It was the first death notification I had to deliver and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do."
"I am sorry for your loss." I say automatically, but I know the words mean nothing to him or to anyone who ever lost a loved one. As humans we say these things like they are supposed to make it better, whether we mean them or not, but they don't bring the person affected any comfort. So we would rather not hear these platitudes at all.
"They say it will get easier, but you just get better at compartmentalising, until it all boils over. Tommy killed himself while we were stateside and I became the Team Leader instead."
"Ranger…"
"I was skilled enough, or maybe just fortunate enough, to never lose another Team member again. Some got injured and had to leave the armed services, but my men always made it home. Other Soldiers did not though. I watched a lot of people die…People I have known for a long time, both in the sandbox and at home…That just drove home the meaning behind Ronny's words. 'Warriors weren't meant to survive the battlefield'."
I don't know what to say to that either so I stay quiet.
"They train you, send you out there, but when you come back you are on your own. They make you do shit you never fathomed and like I said, you become good at compartmentalising."
"Is that what happened last year?" I ask, but Ranger doesn't answer, so I keep quiet once more. I don't want to force him to talk.
After a long while, he shoots me a sad smile. "I will never be able to tell you what happened. That shit is classified to the ninth degree, but even if I could I wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"What I have seen….done...not only would it give you nightmares, but you'll recognise that the monster I told you I am, without a doubt exists. Even after…" He pauses and swallows hard again. "...after everything I have done to you, you are still looking at me with love…" Shit I thought I had this under control, but then again, my father always told me I was an open book with a shit poker face. "I don't want to lose that. It gives me something good to hold onto." Ranger shifts and grabs his wallet from the bedside table. He pulls something out of it, before throwing the wallet back to its previous place. "Here."
I accept what he is holding out. A well used paper, which seems to have been refolded many times, judging by how fragile it is. When I open it, a picture falls out and when I glance at the handwriting on the paper, I realise it is mine. Before reading it, I pick up the picture and I suck in a deep breath. It is me. "I took it when you were laughing about Les."
"Why do you have this?"
"Read the letter and I will tell you."
"Ranger, I am really, really sorry that I got all of your men high as kites and you had to call relief staff in." I read and start to giggle. I know exactly when I wrote this. We weren't even anything back then, not even friends. It was a year into knowing him and his men. "In my defence, I tried one and couldn't taste anything." I giggle once more. A great relief from the heaviness that has been surrounding us since we had sex. "Grandma just wanted to thank you all for saving her and her friend. From now on I will be more suspicious of what she bakes. I am afraid to say the following to your face, hence this letter, because quite frankly your silence on this matter, when you found out your guys were a little loopy, was scary as hell. I'd rather have you yelling at me. So back to what I don't want to tell you...it wasn't just weed in the cupcakes. There was LSD in the frosting too. So I am really sorry, but this all may get worse." I giggle a little more. I had no idea how to end the letter so I just simply wrote Steph to sign it off. Back then I had briefly contemplated adding 'ps. Please keep calling me back for stings in spite of this' but I had refrained. "Why did you keep it?"
"It was the only thing you ever wrote to me and it also reminded me of something very funny, which helped me get through the last few years of shit with Uncle Sam."
"You never said anything...after the incident I mean."
"What was there to say? You got my men high, but you were sorry, so I let it go. Besides it was very cute the way you silently cursed your grandmother while trying to herd the guys into one room to keep them from doing stupid shit."
I look back at the picture and the letter and contemplate what to say next.
"Just ask, I know you have a million questions."
"Most of which you cannot answer."
"Unfortunately not" he confirms and kisses my naked shoulder, as if to take away the sting of that statement.
"After...you know" I point at my bruises and his face turns grim. "You said it wouldn't be the first time that you had to suppress the withdrawal symptoms. What did you mean?"
With a sigh he scoots up the bed to sit against the headboard. "Special Ops is not only dropping into a country via parachute, taking out the bad guy and hopping back on the plane to go home... I have had to go undercover multiple times and some of those times included pretending to be in the drug business. While the people we do 'business' with generally don't get high on their own product, there are parties and the likes where you have to sample the product or they will get suspicious. Some of those parties last for days and you have to manage the come down afterwards. As Rangers we are trained to suppress those urges as best as we can."
"Do you need to be high to forget?"
"Yeah" he simply replies.
"What do you want to forget?" I ask softly and hold my breath, hoping he will answer.
"Everything that I have done in the name of the United States of America, supposedly for the greater good…" He turns his head and looks me right in the eye "and our breakup."
I freeze. My heart skips a beat and I stop breathing. "Why?" I whisper.
"Because I treated the most important person in my life like trash. I treated her like she meant nothing, threw her away when I should have pulled her closer and asked her to get me through this."
"Ranger…"
"Babe, my head and heart are at war right now, have been for a few days now." He moves up and over me, leaning all of his weight on his forearms. "I cannot drag you down with me into this darkness. I would never forgive myself. But I also don't seem to be able to let you go."
"So what are you going to do?" I ask with baited breath.
"To be honest I don't know." He answers with regret written all over his face. "I really don't know." He adds and kisses me breathless again.
Author's note
The phrase 'Warriors weren't meant to survive the battlefield' belongs to the writers of Seal Team.
