Steph's POV

I wake up with a start, only to realize that I am being held down. "It's okay" a deep voice rumbles beneath me, while the arms, which are holding onto me, loosen.

"We fell asleep." I note, while I try to read the clock on my DVD player across the room with my sleep blurred eyes.

A kiss is pressed to the top of my head and a mumbled "Yes, we did…" follows just a second later.

There is so much that was left unsaid earlier, but I cannot seem to find the words to broach the subject. I want to know how his therapy went, what his plans for the future are and if those include me, but I am too much of a chicken shit to ask. So instead I ask "Are you hungry?"

"Pizza?" he retorts and I push up to look at him. He has vertical sleep lines from the couch cushion across his face, his eyes are a little unfocused from sleep and there is a lazy smile on his lips. All that is making my breath stall. He is truly the most handsome man I have ever met. "What?" he shrugs nonchalantly. "I discovered that once in a while a Pizza won't hurt my body."

"Whatever that Farm cost, Tank has to put a decent tip on top of it." I smile and then check my pockets for my phone, only to realize that I left it on the kitchen table.

"Here, use mine" He says and hands it to me unlocked before lifting me off him. "I gotta go to the toilet. Can you order me a Meat Lover's please? Also, do you want anything to drink while I am up?"

"I don't have…" I start, but he stops me.

"Soft drinks, Babe."

"Oh, uhmm..Coke please. It's in the fridge." I say and then turn to look at his phone. His background picture surprises me. It is me, pulling a silly face. I remember sending it to him days before he left for that mission. My face is all screwed up and I am poking my tongue out. It is not flattering at all, yet he kept it. Trying to ignore his background, I click on the dialler and put in the number for the closest Pizza place from memory.

Not even half an hour later, we sit back on the couch with a pizza box in each of our laps and the smell that is coming from them is making my stomach growl. "I want to tell you the rest." Ranger suddenly announces "but it is not about what happened over there."

"Okay" I nod and pick up a slice of pizza.

He too picks up a slice and for a couple of minutes the only noise surrounding us, is us eating. "When I met you, trying to catch Morelli… those were helluva entertaining few weeks for me." He starts and I scowl at him. "I thought you were crazy and definitely not made for this job…. What can I say, I thought you were hot, but your ability to get yourself into sticky situations…" he shrugs unapologetically "...not so much and it annoyed the hell out of me that you were untrained and even refused training, but I couldn't leave you to your own devices."

I smile at the memories of him scowling at me whenever I got myself into a prickly situation. I was stupid back then, but it was also fun. Everything was new and exciting. Solving Puzzles, catching bad guys, it was my kind of jam. Still is, but the difference is that I am trained now.

"To be honest, I don't know when things started to change for me. I really cannot remember when I fell in love with you" My breath hitches at that, but I keep chewing my pizza rather than making a comment. Whatever he is leading up to is obviously important. "I think it happened gradually over time," he adds "I just couldn't leave you be. You were.. are ...addicting. Your inability to give up, to always keep going even though you should be throwing in the towel. It was refreshing to see that no matter what either Joe or I said, you kept going."

"It came from the motivation of not ending up at the Button Factory like my mother insisted I would." I grin and earn one in return.

"I think above all that, what attracts me the most to you is that you see me."

His words make my heart skip a beat, but I still ask "What do you mean by that?"

"It's not just me, you know? But all the men who work for me. Most people look at us and dismiss us with one glance or get vary around us, because of the way we dress and conduct ourselves. We are dangerous men and they can sense that. You, however, have never once looked at us any different and I remember vividly the first time you came into the office and greeted everyone with a bright smile. They loved you in an instant."

"Maybe the donuts helped with that too," I quip and earn another smile.

"The fact that they kept volunteering to help you spoke volumes. After he got shot at again, I asked Hal, why he kept going out with you. He said and I quote 'I like the action, Boss.'" Ranger imitating Hal makes me snort. "'Boss, whenever I am with Stephanie I always have to use my skills. There is always something happening. It keeps me sharp.'" Ranger adds, making me giggle and I have to cover my mouth with my hands, so I don't lose pieces of my dinner.

Once I get myself back under control, I say "Yet, despite all that you have just said, you kept me at bay. Secret kisses behind the Bonds office were fine, but everything else was not." During my therapy in the last few months, I learned that I need to be more honest with the people I love and not keep what is bothering me locked inside, because I am afraid that I will upset them. "That hurt a lot."

Ranger just shrugs. "I didn't want to be attached and my life at the time didn't lend itself to relationships."

"But a condom might have come in handy" I throw his words back at him. That comment stung and made me go back to Joe at the next opportunity.

"I could have phrased that better… Involving you into my life beyond the physical just wasn't an option. My contract with the government meant that there was a high chance of me turning up in a body bag and I couldn't put you through that."

"But you never explained that and you never gave me a choice to decide for myself."

"No, I didn't." He agrees. "I had already been married and divorced once by the time I met you. That factored into my stance against relationships as well and I counted on you to understand what I was trying to say between the lines."

"We never were good at communicating what we felt, were we?"

"No. You were upset because I couldn't commit and I was upset that you went back to Joe. Every. Single. Time." Ranger adds. "I hated it."

"I don't know what I was thinking back then. If I couldn't have you, I figured Joe was a good bet, but then I went back to him and I was just miserable, because I was in love with you. It wasn't fair to him nor to you. I just didn't deal well with being on my own and it felt nice to be wanted. But when you kicked me out…I had to be on my own for the first time in years and I realized it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even though the option was there, I didn't go back to Joe, because you were all I wanted. I got training, I got my shit together."

"We both fucked up."

"Yes, we did."

We both let the truth of that statement sink in and after a couple of slices of pizza each, Ranger breaks the silence. "The reason for all the secret kisses and watching you sleep, is because both usually made everything within me calm down. Serenity for me was seeing you take one breath after another. And for a long time, you were the light to my darkness. Your smile made me stop breathing and just a simple touch would make my heart beat a little more quickly in a good way. It would remind me that I made it home, that I was in fact alive. You talking to me about mundane stuff helped me center myself. Get my head on straight. It was such a simple act on your part, but it meant the world to me." I smile at his words. I am glad he found it helpful. Every time I woke up and found him sitting in that chair, I always sensed a darkness surrounding him. So I would just start talking about the newest gossip, Grandma's antics or Les's inability to keep a woman. And every time when sun came up, he left and he seemed lighter. Like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and I didn't mind helping to lighten the load, even if it meant being tired for the rest of the day.

"But last year, I was such a mess when I got home…The months of torture kept replaying in my mind and in my dreams those women would eventually turn into you." As that truth spills from his lips, I gasp. "It already started when I was still over there, getting debriefed. It is the reason why I could neither look at you nor touch you when you picked me up from the Base. It was the first sign to me that something was seriously wrong, but I ignored it. The serenity that I felt whenever I laid my eyes on you didn't come. All I could see was you in my nightmares, pleading with me to make them stop..." I grab his hands and squeeze them tight. "But I also couldn't let you go, because I told myself that it would get better. That being near you would bring me back that inner peace."

"That is why you asked me to move in." I state.

Ranger nods. "Yes, but it didn't help and that is when I started drinking. Taking drugs came not long after, just so I could forget for a little while. Then after a month of you living with me, I realized I couldn't drag you down with me. I almost destroyed the entire apartment when you walked out of that door with your head held high and without uttering a single word. The pain I felt that day…" He shakes his head.

The memories of that day come rushing back to me. Coming home to find that he had packed my bags while I was away. "You broke me!" I exclaim with unshed tears in my eyes.

"I know," he sighs. Regret written all over his face. "Deep down I wanted you to fight, to fight for me, for us. But I was also glad when you didn't. I told myself that you were better off without me. I didn't want you to see me as the monster that I always told you I am."

"You are not!" I say automatically, like I have so many times before. "You are kind and loving and would do anything not just for me, but also for your men. You are not a monster."

"I killed children, Steph!" He exclaims, with anguish written all over his face. "I watched those women getting raped right in front of me. I set off bombs in villages with many locals being collateral damage, because I was following fucking orders." He pushes off the couch and starts pacing the room. "I am a monster, because I did it without blinking an eye."

"You compartmentalized. You did what you thought was right at the time, because not following orders would have meant you and your men dying."

"You don't know half of it." He sighs and looks me right in the eyes.

We stare at each other for a few silent minutes, before he sighs and says "This building" He motions around us and I freeze. Deep down I have had an inkling about it, I just never confirmed my suspicion. Seems like Ranger is about to. "I own it. I rent it to you for a fraction of the price that it is actually worth."

"Ranger…" I start, but he quiets me with a look.

"I have access to your apartment with my key fob and in my drug and alcohol highs, I would sometimes sit and watch you sleep. You thought I didn't know about the Farm, but you are unaware that your Email account is still logged in on my personal laptop in my apartment."

"I know what you are trying to do and it is not going to work." I stand as well with a shake of my head. "You are trying to push me away again, but I am telling you it is not going to work. Am I pissed about all of this and will I write you a check for back rent? You bet your ass I will…."

I take a deep breath, but Ranger interrupts my speech. "What about the key fob?"

"What?" I look at him confused.

"The key fob that gives me access to this apartment."

"I don't care" I shrug. That is the last fucking thing I care about right now. "You would figure out a way around that lock without one anyways. You would probably scale the building, if you had to."

"Steph… What about the strippers?" He throws out and I wince. "That is what I thought."

"You are trying to push me away and it is not going to work." I reply. "Seeing you have sex with them wasn't easy. It hurt, like hell, but I had no right to comment on it. You were single, you could do whatever you wanted and as long as those women were willing participants, then I had no say."

"You know, I am not proud of it." Ranger says when I stop talking. "I tried to make you stop, by being as vile as I could be in front of you. I don't know how many times I snorted coke with you watching or had sex with a hooker to make you see who I really am. But you just kept showing up and the more you did, the more I wanted you to, but it is also why I became more vile. That look on your face, that last night you picked me up, is something I will never forget."

I don't know what else to say, but "I forgive you." And speaking the words out loud for the first time, I realize that they are true. My therapist helped me get clarity. Somewhere on the road to Alaska, I forgave him. I forgave him for all of it.

"What?" He looks at me, as if I have grown two heads.

"I forgive you." I repeat and he just stares at me.

"I don't know if I can forgive myself." He admits. "I don't know if I can forgive myself for hitting you. You should do your best to stay far away from me. I am a mess and you deserve an easy life, god damnit! Life with me won't be easy. You deserve a life with someone who isn't triggered by loud bangs and has nightmares. You shouldn't have to live in fear that this could happen again."

"You deserve an easy life too." I walk towards him slowly, holding his gaze the entire time I am speaking.

"Babe…"

I am finally in front of him, so I put my finger on his lips to silence him. In a whisper I ask "we want the same thing for each other, so why not achieve them together? I think you are more afraid of what could happen than I am and that tells me that you will do everything in your power not to let that happen again. So what I deserve is a man who doesn't hide shit from me, who is going to tell me the god's honest truth and who loves me no matter how often I get into trouble or get hurt. I deserve a man who supports me and gives me a helping hand when I need it. A strong man who can admit his faults and grow because of them. A man who will talk to me when he feels like he is slipping and not shut me out. Do you think you could be that man? Do you think you could work with me to get us through this? Do you think you can love me as unconditionally as I love you, despite all my flaws?"


Ranger's POV

I stare at Babe and something Trainor said to me flashes through my head 'Sometimes what we need the most, is the one thing we keep pushing away because we are afraid. The biggest tragedy would be using that as an excuse to not spend the time we have left to work on ourselves to be better and to spend it with the people we love.'

And she is right. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I know I will be miserable without Babe in my life. "I still need to work on myself. I am eighty percent there, but the last twenty percent might take some time and even then I may never be right up here." I tap my temple with my fingers. "I am going to try my hardest to give you the life you deserve. But I need you to try to stay out of trouble, please, for now. I am not sure I could take the worry of you on top of everything else. And we will take it slow. Let's see where things are going and take it one day at a time."

"I can live with that," Babe smiles.

"I also promise to talk to you whenever shit comes up in my head." I wow. Trainor found me a Therapist in Philly, who will see me twice a week for now, to continue the work I started at the farm. Hopefully with his help, I will get as close to one hundred percent as possible.

"And I promise to do the same" She agrees and inches closer,

"You smell like me" I murmur and her smile widens.

"I may have gone out and bought a bottle of Bulgari" She shrugs and then, as impatient as she is, she crashes her lips to mine.

Heaven on fucking earth.