Nope. Still dun own it...Neither KH or FF. If I did...ohoho...such things I would do.

Sephiroth-centric. Slight OOCness (or not so slight). Slight character bashing...everyone gets theirs. Final Fantasy 7 references. :3 enjoy.

-Cloud Hunting Season: Chapter One

By: Smiley-chan

Here she comes...again. I slam my head against the metaphorical wall. She keeps getting closer, with those huge...green...puppy-dog eyes. As I look around me, I notice the lack of escape. Its too late to run, there is no hiding. Dear-god-mother-jenova-fudge-sickles. If I ignore her she may go away...right?

I can just see the creepy sun-shiny smile grow wider as she approaches. Im sure that this creature must have to file her teeth, seeing as they must have once been viciously pointed. I don't know where she stashed the pitchfork and horns, and Im not completely sure I want to. As she taps my shoulder, I shudder, reluctantly turning to face the eyes that are so bright and wide that they look quite like a happier variation of a deer caught in the headlights of a truck that's about to splatter her remains over the roadside. Heheh. If only...if only.

As her predatory instinct recognizes the smell of ripe fear, she pounces. "Sephy!" she squeals, somehow finds the easiest possible way to lock her arms almost unbreakably around my middle. Again with the nickname. I don't know where the boldness comes from. Usually, its "General, sir!" for fear of decapitation. Call me by my real name and you may be lucky. But to shorten it, and add an "y"! Woman, you may die a second death. "Where have you been? I mean, I was looking all over! I have something important to tell you! "

Could disgruntlement be written more plainly on my face, I would be certain to try. But seeing as this creature is unable to comprehend anything slightly unhappy, such as spite and revenge, it has become quite pointless to point out her lack of perception. Me being the spite part, and her the vengeance. Why?

Anyone who is familiar story may have heard, that in my past world, there had been a rather large power conspiracy kept underground, that had only begun to leak into the public. For them it was something akin to, 'omg! the power company is killing the planet, lets rebel!'. Frankly, I couldn't care less about the fate of the planet, since I had my own agenda to attend to, that guess what: had to do with destroying the planet! That's a villain sundae with a cherry on top. Long story short, thought I was heir to the planet by blood rights, wanted to kill humans, and become a god. What's wrong with that? Well, apparently a spiky-haired nuisance from my past thought there was, and gathered his little fan-club to go 'save the day' or something to that affect. Insert a dignified snort here. Like I'm about to let that happen.

So I make my random appearances, maiming and dismembering along the way, until something occurred to be that had never before. His little flower girl friend and/or mad crush by the name of Aeris Gainsborough was, oh-my-goodness, of the same ancient heritage that I apparently was . Goodness, it's an Ancient. But she wasn't really warming up to the idea of destroying the rest of the human-race-blood-traitors. In fact I don't think she liked me very much. I don't see why though, I mean look at me! Well...that's besides the point.

She was the 'key' to putting a stop to my wonderfully dastardly plans or so they said. Who are 'they'? Well...right. She was praying and stuff, trying to get the special shiny thing that was to kick my ass, but once again I, the Great Sephiroth was one step ahead. Okay, so I panicked and shoved my kantana through her back. Served its purpose I suppose. I kicked her a few times to make she was really, you know, dead. As I suspected, lying limp and breathless in a puddle of your own blood is a pretty good indicator of expiration. Good thing it was funny. I mean I got a good long maniacal cackle out of it. Spiky-head might of cried, but his emotions lend little importance to my tale, besides he was rather pissed with me and proceeded by catching me later and dicing my flesh into finger-food sized cubes.

He had gotten an unfair advantage of course, me just coming out of the shower at the bottom of a large crater when he decides to pop in for a visit, leaving my dearest mummy to scream into my brain "fetch the masumune imbecile! And put on a shirt!" Well. I never got around to the second one... got my ass kicked for the first time ever, my spirit returned to the planet, where my story had met its closing. Or so everyone thought.

As fate would have it, a bunch of ant-shaped shadow creatures, which I now know to be called heartless, attacked less than two days later. Excellent timing if I do say so myself. They sent people into a panic, screaming and such while they ate at the planet, chucked it up again, and then stomped on it for good measure. They ate people's hearts too...that might be important. While there, they're leader...who's name I have only memorized so I may descend upon him with my supreme rage, obviously visited the headquarters of Shinra, where my lovely lovely portrait hangs in the hallway. And hearing of me, and seeing my almost captured grace in paint, he thought 'Hmm. This guy ish teh awesomeness.'... then of course Ansem flew into a jealous rage of my supreme sexiness. I cannot blame him, but pull yourself together man! Just because you're more of a minority than I, don't go crazier than I too! But that, of course, was where Ansem crossed the metaphorical line. After successfully erasing the very existence of our planet, he went home to that absurd castle of his and...and...and...stole my look! Bitch! Unforgivable bastard! I hope your new whitish hair falls out! I wish for you bleach induced nightmares! And to steal my sexy open-chested clothing. The nerve of some people. God... if writing with emotes wasn't so unprofessional I'd do this: XP

Anyway, the planets gone, leaving the dead people dead, the eaten people heartless and dead, and then there are the precious few who managed to escape the chaos long enough who miraculously got transported to another world where they took castaways. And here I am...floating in nothingness, cause there is no longer a planet to be resting in and thinking, 'Well, isn't this grand?'. That is until whoever runs the space-time continuum and/or universe was all 'Well, this won't do will it? This planets dead people have no place to be all dead-like. What'll we do with 'em?' It took them a couple minutes to ponder this. And pondered some more. Finaly, after some very heavy duty pondering, it came to a conclusion...

"Well, considering the place they just came from, why not chuck 'em into somewhere else's underworld?"

I found myself hurtling through space at speeds that royally screwed up my hair, and finally crash landed on hard ground. Hard being the essential adjective. I was not able to view my surroundings immiediatly, due to the fact that I was face down and eating dirt. Quite literally.After sitting up and spitting out the soil, I looked up into the face of a very blue man.

When I say blue, I do not mean in a depressed, Squall-like way. I mean azure, periwinkle and any other way that one may describe a creature that is literally...blue. Tongues of blue fire flickered upon what would otherwise be a very bald head. I suppose this was meant to serve as hair of some sort. Talk about a dry scalp...heheh. Sorry. Anyway, lets say that his middle-aged figure failed to impress. I don't like him. Nope. Not at all. Especially for what he did next.

"Hey, sup? Name's Hades, Lord of the dead, blah blah etcetera and so forth. And you are-?" I opened my mouth to speak, but I ended up closing it seeing as he never shut up. "Oh, I know ya, yur Sephiroth. That...guy...with...silver hair. And likes little blonde kids...or something." Imagine the biggest twitch you can. Then multiply it by the largest number you can fit on a calculator. Insert that into your mental image of my face after that last statement.

"Indeed, I am Sephiroth, though how you know this is a complete mystery to me. As for my hair, I don't think it would take much for a person possesing eyes to discover its color. And I...do not...like little...blonde kids!" The image of my little puppet...also known as Cloud Strife, was the first to make my brain scream to be washed out.

"Riiiiight, so anyways, I guess your planet blew up, which is really a bummer an all, but unfortunately... you have gotta go. All these extra people are clogging up my underworld, and I have no room for you and Miss Sunshine over there." I turned around to face the direction of the person he was talking about. A small distance away, trying perkily to engage a dead soul in conversation, stood the most vile woman in the universe.

She seemed a tad bit baffled as to why the soul of her dear departed boyfriend Zack did not respond to her incessant chatter, and looked in my general direction. Her eyes became impossibly wide. I could almost hear her thoughts in that one panicked moment. It went something like... "Oh dear! Why! Must I be tormented by you even in death?" Hades signaled for her to approach, and she did, though hesitantly. Her eyes kept shifting between the blue thing and me. Stuck between to potentially evil psychopaths, she really had nothing she could do besides do a swan-dive into the river Styx and swim for her life. Apparently that thought didn't cross her mind. And...you...know...it never crossed mine either.

"Righty, then," Hades began interlacing his fingers like a particularly shady car-salesman in the slums of Midgar. "Well. Seeing as you two...human type-thingies are in no position to do anything that doesn't fall under my management, cause if...heheh, I am the boss here. It is a small underworld afterall. And I could always...find room for you amongst the deadlings, but I, being the gracious god that I am, have decided to offer you a special contract." He snapped his fiery fingers and snatched out of thin air a, you guessed it, BA-LUE contract which of course, he wanted us to sign right away.

Well, lets say that Miss Aeris Gainsborough isn't the brightest crayon in the industrial sized box. She was about the sign her name away before I snatched the pen, cause you know, I'm a gentleman like that. Okay, so I was afraid that her stupidity might land me in hot water. I took it and read it, down to the extra fine print which required a high-power microscope. I think I got the gist of it. Something about siding with that idiot Ansem for some stupid take over the world job-the idea of course he stole from me- and delivering to and using Miss Gainsborough to trick my precious little puppe- I mean...Cloud. Apparently...Cloud is looking for his "light" or something. And of course they assume this light of his a Aerith. Don't make me laugh. But I'm not one to object. And in exchange for all this, we get our lives back. Or rather become "alive" seeing as I severely doubt that either of us really had lives to begin with.

"So. Yeah. So, I want you two guys to, you know, team up on this project. It makes it all easier right? You do your thing."

Aeris nodded enthusiastically as she scribbled her initials on the paper without shame. I stared at it for a moment, seeing as I was handing my fate over to an incompetent so-called "God", who couldn't run a proper underworld. I still think that I would have been quite happier as a dead person, however fate seemed determined to screw me over. Still does.

"And by the way," the blue two-faced-god-from-literal-hell added, his yellowish eyes gleaming with something overly-malevolent, "I shouldn't need to remind you that until you finish the job, you really aren't alive, per say. I mean you have your soul and animated body, but yes. Full rights to your lives shall be handed over in full later. So I wouldn't be trying to sneak off or do anything...shady."

Aeris giggled delightedly. "Isn't this wonderful? Sephiroth! Don't you see we have been forgiven by the gods!" She truly could not have looked happier if the paper she had just signed was a wedding document involving Cloud and/or Zack. However, I did not expect the sudden burst of joy that caused the pink-clad woman to throw herself at me and become attatched. It was to jovial looking to be merely be called a "hug". "The gods forgive you Sephiroth, so I do too! From here on out, we're going to be bestest friends!"

No man has ever suffered nightmares compared to my reality.

Aeris skipped towards the exist to mortal world, overcome with joy, leaving me in a petrified state of horror, disgust, shock and wonder. Hades chuckled. It made me want to rip his face up. Hehehe. He's lipless, toothy mouth pulled into something akin to a smirk, and stated bluntly. "I know it's temping, but don't stab her. Again."


So, that is how I came to my present situation. Idiot woman in pink, crappy room in Greek hotel, annoying one wing with feathers that make me sneeze. Damn one-winged-angel Latin theme song of doom. A healthy rendition of "I'm too sexy" would have done pleasantly. But nooo. I'm stuck with the useless single appendage. What's the use of one wing anyway? I sigh. Fate is cruel. It goes without saying that our mission is having little success.

As I fade off into my inner reminiscing/musing I can here the annoying buzz which is Aeris rambling on about something, most likely involving what she thinks would be a lovely color scheme for her and her beloved's wedding. If she asks me what I think about it one more time, I think I'll scream "The only party of your's I'll ever attend is your funeral you evil witch! And then I'll dye my mourning cloths pink to spit on your image!". But I shall, for now, put myself in that happy place which, in pieces, becomes increasingly harder to find as it hides in the depths of my mind.

"Did you hear what I said?"

Happy place gone.

I growl.

"What?" I ask, not entirely, if at all, interested.

"I said 'Did you hear what I said?'" Aeris pointed out dumbly.

Of course I heard that moron. That's why I said 'what'. My outer voice says, "What was it that I was meant to have heard you say?"

She sighs, as if I am the one who is so thoroughly exasperating, twisting a strand of her hair around her finger. "I said, I'm considering changing my name to 'Aerith'. What do you think?". What.the.fuck. She tore me from my happy place for this. A two letter change in her name that makes it sound like she's developing a lisp? I'm going to throttle you!

"Sounds nice, go with it if you want."

Well...doesn't she look happy. Really. "Oh! Thank you! You're so sweet," she says, as I suppress the need to gag and remind her that I once endeavored to destroy everything thing, tortured and killed many who she cared about, and personally murdered her. But somehow, I have been forgiven. How, I'm not sure. Vengeance is not in the Aerisian dictionary. Good thing, I can't quite imagine being impaled upon that ridiculous staff she chooses to carry around.

As I find myself being dragged forcefully down my trail of thoughts, something strikes me as odd. "Did you not have something important...Aerith...to say to me, or did the issue concerning your identity qualify?".

Her eyes brighten considerably, which I thought was neither logical nor possible. "Well," she starts then pauses, her smile becoming even more impish as she rocks back and forth on her heals. Her behavior is like saying 'I bought you a really cool birthday present but I'm not telling you what it iiiiisssssss.' Trust, the suspense is killing me. "I was in Traverse Town..." Dirty, filthy town full of illegal aliens and moogles. "...checking up on everybody..." Everybody meaning that wannabe ninja materia thief Yuffie and the leather-clad emotionally-constipated stranger Leonhart. "And I went to the market with Squall..." Stupid emo bishie... "And you'll never guess who I saw walking down the street!"

Oh! I know! A moogle or some other disgusting magical talking animal.

"I saw Cloud!"

Close enough.

"I think he's comming here! To Olympus! Isn't it wonderful?"

"...uh...yes...wonderful...". Indeed.

She continued. "Its gonna be just like old times!". If by 'just like old times' she means me cackling evilly as I both mentally and physically abuse that chocobo-haired nincompoop, oh yes, it shall...

I cursed as I tried fruitlessly to break into the mini-bar. If Cloud was coming, I would need to prepare some good insults.

Somehow I didn't think that 'you cross-dressing son-uva-moogle!' would cut it. Insulting his mother didn't seem all that wise at the moment, seeing as...yeah...my own maternal situation bore better fruit for insulting.

My sword is much longer than yours!

I cackle. That will have to do.


OO omg... I'm so on not on crack I swear. Where does all this come from you may ask. Well...my lovely evil cousin who causes much inspiration in me, a night of reading out loud the most retardedly funny FF7 fanfics, and a supreme love of the silver-haired-god-bishie known as Sephiroth. I love screwing with his image...hehe.

R&R of you please.