Shades of Grey
Chapter 6: The Meaning of a Name
"I do not understand why I must participate in this session," Glimmer was saying calmly. "This therapy, as you call it, is beneath the notice of a Goddess."
Nurse Snyder sighed. "Carolyn, what we are trying to make you acknowledge with these sessions is that you are not a goddess. You are a fifteen year old girl who happens to be operating under a serious delusion."
"You are foolish, mortal," Glimmer responded. "One day, you will understand my true power."
"Right," Nurse Snyder smirked. "All right, our next speaker is going to be Ruby. Ruby, how are you feeling today?
Racetrack stopped paying attention. Dreamer had been the sixth person to "share" so far, and the therapy session wasn't even close to over yet. He'd spent a few hours in his cell thinking of what Amy had told him before going to lunch. Lunch had proceeded without incident, although Flame's fate was still unknown. Amy thought that she had been silenced, since there hadn't been any screaming from the Iso ward. And since then, they had been listening to each member of the group discuss their problems. Each of them was more boring then the next. Racetrack simply didn't care about their delusions. He just wanted to get out of there.
"All right then Dreamer. We'll deal more with your drug addiction next time. Hopefully, you'll understand that these cravings should not influence you then." The nurse sounded more and more exasperated. Apparently, this was a constant argument. "Matthew, your turn."
Tag flinched as his name was mentioned, and began to stutter uncontrollably.
"Matthew, get control of yourself," Nurse Snyder demanded. Tag winced at the harshness of her tone, and then nodded. "Now Matthew, what do you have to share today?"
He looked down at the floor. "I have nothing to say," he said softly, refusing to look her in the eye.
"Really Matthew, you should do better than that. You are twenty years old. You've survived a war. There is nothing except your own fear that is keeping you from leading a completely normal life," she said crossly.
Tag winced at her words. If anything, he seemed to retreat even further within himself. He spoke very quietly, and Racetrack had to strain to hear what he said. "They left me," was what he managed to hear. "They left me to die." Tag just kept repeating the phrase over and over, completely ignoring the rest of them.
Racetrack looked at him in sympathy. This was actually the first story that had made him care. Being abandoned… that was something he could relate to. His own family… well, that wasn't something that he liked to think about. So he just wouldn't.
Forcing the thought from his mind, he turned his attention to the nurse. She looked mad enough to kill.
"Now Matthew, you know that you were not abandoned on purpose," she reminded him. "You were shot, and it looked like you had been killed. You cannot hold the belief that you were abandoned because of that."
"They left me to die," Tag repeated, much louder this time.
"You must not continue to hold that irrational belief. You are a prisoner of your own fear. Once you learn to love yourself, you'll be able to go live a productive life as a functioning member of society."
Tag winced, and brought his knees up to his chest, and began to rock back and forth, still muttering about how everyone left him, and nobody would ever love him. Nurse Snyder got to her feet, and walked over to him. Grabbing his shoulders, she began to shake him. "Now you listen," she snarled.
Racetrack had enough. "No, you listen to me," he snapped. "Leave him alone. Hasn't he been through enough?"
"You'll wait your turn Mr. Higgins," Nurse Snyder growled. "Unless you'd like to share now."
"I'm not afraid of you," Race informed her. "We beat back Pulitzer, the most powerful man in New York City. We organized a rally that five thousand newsies attended. We got the child labor population of New York City to strike. And we won. So you? You're nothing compared to that."
"I'm glad that you're so important in your own delusion. Doing all of that single-handedly, that must be a difficult task. I'm surprised you managed on your own."
"My friends were always there for me. I just helped Jack. He's the one who made it all happen."
"And this Jack must have been a wonderful leader. Always having all the answers."
"He did his best," Race responded, after a brief hesitation. Jack had done his best, even if that best involved him turning scab. But he came back to us, Racetrack reminded himself. He led us through to victory. We couldn't have won without him. And we all forgave him. But that little nagging doubt was still in the back of Race's mind.
Unfortunately for him, Nurse Snyder had picked up on his hesitation, and pounced on it.
"His best?" she inquired. "And here I would have thought that in your world everything would have been perfect."
"We did our best," Race informed her. "And we won."
"But your compatriots, they didn't all support you. This Jack, he failed you."
"We beat Pulitzer," Race repeated. But he didn't quite believe himself. Jack's betrayal, his going scab, still stung too much.
"But Jack betrayed you, didn't he," the nurse pressed on. "He left you. Your own delusions, they didn't help you."
"Jack is not a delusion," Racetrack snapped. "He's a good friend, and he did the best that he could during the strike. He did what he thought was best for himself. That's all that you can expect."
"For himself," Nurse Snyder repeated slyly. "He left you. Your own delusions left you."
Racetrack saw Tag flinch at the mention of being abandoned.
"He came back," he said, trying to hold his voice steady. But it was so hard. What she was saying hit way too close to home.
"Obviously, his leaving you was your subconscious' way of telling you that you didn't need these delusions. You could go on without them. They weren't real. Your friendship with them wasn't real."
"No," Race said, shaking his head. "Jack didn't leave us. He was just trying to protect us. He told us so after."
"But he left you," she repeated. "To protect you from you own delusions."
Race glared at her. "We beat back Pulitzer, and we can beat you," he repeated. But it was with far less conviction this time. The nurse had struck a nerve, and they both knew it.
"You're all alone here," Nurse Snyder reminded him. "No delusions to protect you. This," she said, gesturing to the asylum, "is your wakeup call. We are here to help you."
"No," Racetrack said quietly. "No, that isn't possible. I'm a newsie. I was in the strike. We stopped Pulitzer. We stopped the most powerful man in New York. You won't win." But his protestations were hollow and empty. She had made her first strike against him.
"You're going to lose," she laughed. "You know now. You understand. Your so-called friends… nothing more than delusions. They never really cared for you. Your own mind rejected them. But your disease, it just brought them back, and made up some excuse for you to re-accept this Jack into your make believe world. You know in your heart that he betrayed you, but you were so comfortable in your own little world that you wanted to rationalize his betrayal. You know now. You understand Mr. Higgins, that you cannot be this Racetrack. You want to get better. They won't be able to hurt you anymore after that."
Racetrack listened and absorbed her words. She couldn't be telling the truth. It just wasn't possible. But oddly, she was making sense. His thoughts were spinning out of control.
"No," he whispered. But he knew she was right.
"Yes," she hissed. "Cooperate with us, Mr. Higgins. Let us help you."
"Anthony," Racetrack whispered. "That's my name." His heart sunk as he spoke the words. He'd already said his real name once, but that was at least for a good reason. This time… by speaking his real name he was giving in, and he knew it. It was a way of saying that he didn't believe anymore. That they were right, and he couldn't be Racetrack anymore. Not here. He knew that he had betrayed something, something so essential that he couldn't put his finger on what he'd done. But… nothing was making sense now. He wasn't with the newsies. He may not even be in 1899. Wherever he was, he just didn't understand.
"Anthony," she repeated triumphantly. "Good job Anthony. You've just taken your first step in your recovery."
Race's heart sank. This was not going to be good.
~*~
Author's Note-That didn't go nearly as well as I wanted it to. It worked out so much better in my head. Right. So, next chapter will be another meal. This time dinner. And Racetrack will freak out a bit more. Because making him freak out is fun. And thanks to B for beta reading at the last minute. :)
Shoutouts!
B-You really shouldn't have told me I could abuse Tag. Because abusing him is oh too much fun. :D I have plans for him…
Sock Free- More inmates in this chapter. And there will be more in the next
Nani-Race will tell people about that… eventually. And poor Amy. There's a bit more to her story.
Thistle-Race abuse is too much fun. Seriously.
Glimmer-*points to opening lines of the chapter* *grins*
Aura-I like crazy!Race too. Probably too much for my own good.
Pyromaniacal Llama-Fics are more fun than science homework though! (can you tell I'm never taking science again? I find it evil.) And don't worry… its me. So there will be Spot and Race. Somehow. :D
Blaze-Ha! Someone finally caught the Matrix thing. *grins* I seriously have this mental image of the doctor as Agent Elrond… but that may say something about my own sanity, or lack thereof.
Ann Valentine-*blush* Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying so far.
