Shades of Grey

Chapter 7-The First Dose

Racetrack was barely speaking by the time he got to dinner.  The rest of the therapy session had passed by in a blur.  He knew that a few of the others had shared their problems.  He really hadn't heard any of what they said.  He was too busy dealing with what he had done.  He'd given them his name.

What on earth could have possessed him to have done that?  He'd been Racetrack for eight years now.  Eight years where he hadn't called himself Anthony.  But first he had told it to that dumb girl because she'd been crying.  That one was understandable…this one wasn't.  He may as well have admitted that he really thought he was going crazy.  That they were telling the truth about the newsies not being real anymore.  Not for almost half a century.  But… everything he knew was the newsies.  He didn't know this world.  But this asylum seemed real too, and it just didn't make sense.  Nothing made sense.

"Anthony?" Amy said hesitantly.  "Do you want some water or something?"

The group was once again seated around the table at the cafeteria.  By this time, Racetrack had learned some of their names, but was mostly ignoring them.  He didn't really care.  Most of them were already eating the slop that the orderlies called food, but Racetrack didn't think he could hold anything down at the moment.  He didn't even bother to answer.

"Anthony, you need to eat," she reminded him.  "First session is always the hardest, but it will get easier.  They get to everyone.  They turn your own thoughts against you."

One of the girls, who he thought had been introduced as Teddy, snorted.  "You think everyone is against you Pitch.  That's what got you into trouble in the first place.  Stupid git."

"Be quiet you young whippersnapper," Multi said from across the table.  Except he didn't sound like the Multi who had spoken earlier.  His voice had gone from the voice of a normal 20 year old guy to a scratchy old voice, worn out beyond its years.  "Can't you see the poor fella's been through quiet a shock? When I was your age, we had respect for our comrades who were in trouble.  That's how we got through the Great War."

"Multi, you are our age."

"You'll refer to me as Walt, young lady, and you should learn to mind your manners.  Respect your elders."

Teddy's response was actually fairly amusing.  She threw the Teddy that she always carried around at him.

"Oh Bright Lady, protect us," Visitor muttered.  He, like most of the others around the table, was staring at Teddy in horror.

Teddy took a deep breath, and began to scream.  Racetrack had never heard such a string of profanities come out of the mouth of a girl before.  She took another deep breath, and began to scream that if she couldn't have what she wanted, then nobody would have it.  Jumping out of her chair, she lunged at Multi, who was hiding down in a corner, and rocking back and forth very slowly.

"Sod off now, you stupid blighter," Teddy shrieked.  Some of the orderlies were coming towards them, but they weren't fast enough.  However, one of the girls from another table, who Race didn't recognize, got their first.  The redhead grabbed Teddy by the collar, and threw her into a wall.

"Thanks Annie," Multi whispered weakly.  His voice had changed again.  This time it was a distinctly feminine tone, and definitely younger than before.

"No problem Kimmy," Annie said with a wicked grin.  "I've been wanting to punch that bitch's lights out for months."

"Michaela! Annie!" Nurse Ratchet was shouting.  "What is the meaning of this?"  There was a brief flurry of activity as both girls were removed from the room, and then things went back to normal as everyone went back to their seats and resumed eating.

"Does that happen a lot?" Racetrack said weakly, speaking for the first time all meal.

"The Teddy and Killer thing? About once a week really," Lock replied.  "You get used to it."

"They've had this whole big feud going on for months.  It's really awful," Phoenix added.  "You'd think that Annie could just learn to forgive.  But instead she still continues to be upset about the way Teddy treated her and that group of hers over there.  I mean yes, Teddy did destroy their property, but you would think that they would have learned to move past that."

Racetrack stared him.  Was he listening to himself? That was the biggest load of bullshit ever.

"At least you're talking now," Amy smiled.  "I did warn you though.  It's easier if you just go along with them… then they won't make it hurt as much."

"I miss the old Pitch," Hunter groaned.  "She would have died before saying that."

"She did die," Amy replied, her voice shaking.  "I'm what's left of her."

Nobody really knew what to say to that one.

There was an uncomfortable pause that was followed by Lauren.  "So," she said in a pseudo-cheerful tone.  "Anyone want another biscuit?" 

The group smiled, and began to act as if nothing had happened.  It was if Annie and Teddy hadn't been taken off, and as if Amy had never spoken.  But while they were ignoring the confrontation of a few moments before, it was still clear that none of them had forgotten it.

A loud alarm sounded, and the orderlies began moving around the tables, passing out little cups.

"Meds," Dreamer said in the most cheerful voice that Racetrack had heard from her yet.  "Took them long enough, I really need mine."

"Aren't you supposed to be working on your drug addiction?" Shot asked her sarcastically.

"It's not an addiction if the government feeds it to you.  They're just helping us… and feeding my craving," she added wickedly.

"It is helpful, these pills that the mortal doctors feed us," Glimmer spoke up.  "With them, I am able to transcend to see above all of this confusion, and to contemplate the secrets of the universe."

"I bet it helps you see the future too," Shot laughed, looking at Harlem.

"I can see the future without the aid of drugs," Harlem snapped at her.  "And I see trouble in your future.  You'll be the next one to get Iso.  I know it."

By this time, the orderlies had made their way over to the table that Racetrack and the others were sitting at.  Each member of the group calmly took the offered pills, quickly swallowing them as they were handed out.  Lauren was the only member of the table not to take any, and the orderlies just smiled at her, patting her on the head as they passed.

"Higgins," one of the orderlies said, smiling ruthlessly.  "For you."  He shoved a cup full of pills at Race, who eyed them warily.

"What are all of these?" he demanded.

"You don't ask questions, freak, you just do as you're told."

"Tony," Amy said quietly.  "Just go along with them.  It isn't worth it."

"Look, I'm not taking any crazy pills if I don't know what they are and what they're going to do to me."
"They're going to make you better, of course," Nurse Snyder spoke up, evidently having finished processing Teddy and Annie.  "You did tell me just a few hours ago that you realized that you were experiencing delusions.  These pills will stop the delusions, and then Jack and the others will never draw you back into their world again.  They'll just become a bad dream."

Race narrowed his eyes.  Definitely a bad choice of words on her part.  "Being a newsie wasn't so bad.  I had my friends.  We –"

"Your friends weren't real, Mr. Higgins.  They all abandoned you.  We went over all this already.  Take your medicine by choice, or we will force it into you."

Racetrack reached for the pills, muttering choice swear words under his breath.  He couldn't believe how short a time it had taken him to get to this state.  What sort of a person was he?  By taking these pills, he was turning his back on everything.  Even if that everything was just a dream of some sort.

"You do want to get better.  I understand how much this dream world of yours meant to you, Anthony.  It was a place where you could fit in.  A place where you had friends.  Where you were special.  But what we want to do here is to make you understand that you can be special without all of that.  Without some fantasy.  We'll help you, and then those demons from your past will let you go.  Just take the medicine, and let us help you take that next step in regaining your sanity."

"Yes Nurse Snyder," he whispered before swallowing the first of the pills.

An evil grin spread across the Nurse's face.  "Good job, Mr. Higgins.  Your session with the doctor will be tomorrow afternoon.  We've managed to fit you into our schedule rather easily, especially now that you've been cooperating.  Now," she said, turning her attention to the entire group.  "It's time for you to go back to your rooms.  Enjoy the evening."

The group began to walk away.  Racetrack walked slowly, and Amy followed behind him.

"It's awful, I know," she said sympathetically.  "The first few times it feels like such a betrayal.  But it'll get easier with practice, I promise."

"I shouldn't do this.  I don't want to forget them," he told her.  Race coughed.  "What were those pills anyway?" he asked her, wiping sweat off his forehead.  "It's really hot in here all of a sudden."

Amy glanced at him again.  "You look awful!" she exclaimed.  "The drugs… they must have misjudged your dosage somehow!  I'll go get the doctor."

Race sank to the floor, shivering.  He managed to sit up by using the wall for support, but everything was getting incredibly blurry.  The room was spinning out of control, and there was an incredible noise emanating from nowhere. 

Then he heard it.  Something that he hadn't heard in days by now.  A familiar voice.  It was definitely one of the newsies, but he couldn't place it at the moment.

"Race?" it asked.  "What happened to you? Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you Racetrack.  Spot's been throwing a fit!  Newsies all over New York have been trying to… Where are you going?! Racetrack!"

Everything faded out, and Racetrack knew no more.

~*~

When he awoke, he was back in his cell, and his head was killing him.

"Good morning, Mr. Higgins," a now all too familiar voice was speaking.  "It's nice to know that you're back with us in the land of the waking.  You were, I must admit, beginning to worry me."

"Nice to know you cared, doc," Race managed to gasp out.  He groaned again, as even those few words had seemed to have used up most of his energy.

"I am, of course, responsible for the well-being of all of the patients within these walls.  Young Ms. Marks was rather worried about you, and it appears that for once, her fears were justified.  It appears that we gave you a wrong pill.  The orderly responsible has been punished appropriately.  We will have to work out a more… suitable balance in the future."

"You ain't giving me any more of those things," Racetrack wheezed.

"I assure you, Mr. Higgins, that you will be taking medication everyday from now on.  We'll just have to adjust the dosage a bit."  The doctor arose from the chair he was sitting in.  "You should not have any more ill effects from the medication, Mr. Higgins, but I suggest that you get some rest for now.  Your table-mates will be very glad to know that you've rejoined us.  They were worrying about you over the last few days."

"Days?" Racetrack questioned.

"Yes, days.  You have been under my tender care for the last two and a half days."  The doctor began walking out of the room.  When he got to the door, he opened it, and paused.  "Breakfast will be brought to you.  You will join the others for recreation in the common room after they have finished eating, and then your day shall proceed as normal.  I will attempt to reschedule my appointments so I can fit you in."  He turned and left, locking the door behind him, and leaving Racetrack all alone with his thoughts.

Race sat up in his bed, and leaned against the wall.  He had a few things to think about.  One – was this reality actually the real world? Had he really been hallucinating for the last eight years?  Two – Whose voice had he heard before? And why had he heard it when there was no way that there was another newsie present in this hellhole?  Three – How could he avoid taking those pills?

Trying desperately to make himself comfortable, Racetrack began to think about the questions.  The memory of the voice was getting a lot clearer, and he soon realized who he had heard.  Blink.  And Blink was real.  He had seen him.  But… the drugs were making him crazy at the time.  But if he was already crazy, then maybe the drugs were making him sane again…

Race sighed.  This was making no sense at all.  All he knew was, he had heard Blink.  And he desperately wanted Blink and the others to be real.  And Spot was looking for him.  Race smiled.  Spot at least had to be real.  And he was looking for him.  No matter what, Race knew that he would never be able to forget Spot.  If they wanted him to do that, then they were definitely going to be very wrong.

So.  The newsies then, had to be real somehow.  Or they were real to him.  He had betrayed his beliefs about them once, and he wasn't going to do it again.  He needed his friends, and they needed him.  So, his options were to get out of this place, and find his way back home to them. 

Racetrack straightened up, and an old gleam returned to his eyes.  Time to stop letting Snyder and the others jerk him around.  It was time for Racetrack Higgins to show the people here why you didn't mess with a newsie.

~*~

Author's Note: Racetrack's going to have some fun with this…  actually, he's really just annoyed that I've been torturing him for… 7 chapters now, and he needed some revenge.  Next chapter, it's free time in the asylum, and Racetrack starts to form some sort of plan to get out of there.  He was being too mopey anyway.  This chapter is dedicated to Lizzie, because she finally got around to watching newsies, and is now allowed to actually read this, instead of listening to me whine about how Race isn't cooperating. 

Thanks to Carrie and B for the beta!

Disclaimer: If I owned newsies, Racetrack would kill me.

Shoutouts!

Nani-Yay for you being review #42! (I like that number, it is the meaning of life, after all)  Good luck trying to figure out what's going to come next, I'm having fun with the plot twists. ;)

B-333  I promise, I'll abuse Tag more next chapter. *evil grin*

Aura-Race needs to get his backbone back. After all, I still have way more things to torture him with…

Rumor-Nurse Snyder is evil… she's going to get what's coming to her though. Eventually.  If I get around to it. ;)

Glimmer-It's the return of Goddess!Glimmer. You excited?

Checkmate-It's all about the creepiness really. It's a lot of fun.

Dreamer-If you thought Nurse Snyder was bad now, just wait until she finds out Race's backstory…

Pyromaniacal Llama-Don't worry. There will be much Spot/Race.  I really can't write anything that doesn't have Spot/Race in it.

Sock-free – This chapter should have made you happy. *wink*

Til next time!

~TSB