Shades of Grey
Chapter 10-Best Kept Secret
For the first time since he had arrived in the asylum, Racetrack awoke feeling vaguely content. He was naked and curled up in his lover's arms, after a night together.
Which was always a good thing.
He turned over to kiss his boyfriend, and then paled. It wasn't Spot whom he had slept with that night.
It was Tag.
Oh Christ, Racetrack thought in horror. Spot is going to kill me. That's assuming I ever get out of here anyway.
Racetrack sat up, and pulled away from Tag, and began searching for his clothing.
"Racetrack?" Tag asked him nervously. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Racetrack snapped. He winced at how angry he sounded. It wasn't Tag's fault. Tag wasn't the one who had cheated. This was Race screwing up, pure and simple.
Tag glanced down, and hugged his knees to his chest. "If you regret what happened last night, I'm sorry. I mean, you said that you were… were like me, and I just wanted… I'm so sorry, Racetrack."
"I'm not mad at you. I'm… I'm mad at me, if anyone. Now shut up and get dressed before they catch us."
Tag reached for his clothes, which had been hastily shed the night before. As he pulled up his trousers, he looked at Race with eyes filled with fear. "Do you hate me now?"
"Get it through your head," Race said flatly. "I don't hate you. I'm not going to leave you. Are you done now?"
Tag didn't answer him, but continued getting dressed in silence.
Racetrack felt a bit guilty for the way he'd treated Tag. It wasn't Tag's fault that he acted that way. He understood that Tag was sick… that there was some sort of reason for why he was in this asylum. But Race just wished that he would freaking stick up for himself for once.
"Look. What happened last night… if I wasn't with Spot, then maybe it would work. But for now, it was just… I'm with him, and it isn't fair for either of us."
Tag opened his mouth to respond, but then froze with an expression of pure horror on his face.
Race turned around to see what it was that was terrifying him. The door to their cell was open, and Nurse Snyder was standing in the doorway, flanked by an orderly on either side.
"Well," she said in an icy tone. "I had my suspicions about you, Mr. Goldstein, but you surprise me, Mr. Higgins."
"I don't have anything to be ashamed of," Racetrack told the nurse boldly. But the thought of being sent back for more treatment kept him from saying what he really wanted to.
"What the two of you did was not natural, and you shall be punished for your indiscretion."
"What gives you the right to decide what's natural and what ain't?" Race asked her. "You don't have the right to tell me who I can't love."
"So you love Mr. Goldstein then?"
"I never said that." Race's voice sounded forced and unsteady, even to his own ears.
"And you, Mr. Goldstein, you love him?"
Tag opened his mouth to respond, but Race beat him to it.
"No, he doesn't. I came onto him."
Tag stared at Racetrack in shock. But this was the only thing that Racetrack could do to make up for how he'd treated Tag, and what he'd done with him. He'd survived one round in the chair already, and it hadn't been so bad, or so he tried to convince himself. But Tag wouldn't survive a second round, and Race was responsible for Tag. He wouldn't leave him, the way that Jack had left the newsies. He wasn't like that. He was a better person than that. He may be a newsie, a nothing, but he had some integrity left.
"Is that true, Mr. Goldstein?" Nurse Snyder asked.
Tag only nodded. That was probably a good thing, because Race knew how bad a liar Tag was, and Racetrack highly doubted that Tag could say "yes" convincingly.
The nurse stared at them, clearly understanding that Racetrack was trying to protect Tag. Racetrack was torn between wanting a lighter punishment for himself, and the hope that Tag would be spared the pain of another session in that chair.
Nurse Snyder's mouth curled up in a fierce smirk. "Mr. Goldstein, you will be confined in this cell except for meals and therapy sessions. I'll be sure to speak with the doctor about having your dosage increased. And another session in the chairs as well… to make sure that no abnormal tendencies remain after your… encounter with Mr. Higgins."
Racetrack winced. Tag would be sent back to the chair anyway. He hadn't done anything. And they hadn't even gotten to his punishment yet.
"And as for you, Mr. Higgins," the nurse continued. "I will be escorting you to the doctor's office immediately. I know that Ms. Marks had already warned you about how we treat your kind here. It will most likely be Iso for you." The look in her eyes showed that she was going to enjoy punishing him immensely.
With a wave of her hand, Nurse Snyder's will was done. The orderlies stepped forward, and grabbed Racetrack roughly. He tried to fight back, but it was to no avail. He soon found himself on his knees, being dragged through the hallways. Tag hadn't even tried to help him, and Racetrack knew that the other boy wouldn't step out of line again. He'd been broken.
Shocked murmurs caught Racetrack's attention as they dragged him down the corridors. He couldn't lift his head enough to see their faces, but he definitely heard one exchange between Glimmer and Amy.
"I knew he was going to get in trouble again."
That was Amy, her voice sad and disapproving.
"He's like you were, once."
Glimmer. Her voice held a grudging amount of awe, and respect.
"I know, Glimm. That's what worries me."
Whatever they said next, Racetrack didn't hear. His head was throbbing from where he had been hit during his brief struggle, and they had already passed out of range of their voices.
The orderlies didn't speak to him at all while they marched, and Nurse Snyder had gone on ahead to speak to the doctor. Racetrack hated how long the walk to the doctor's office was. It was even worse now that he wasn't moving under his own power. He'd attempted to stand a few times, but each attempt resulted in a tap to the back of his head with the clubs that the orderlies carried, each time sharper than the one before. Unlike previous beatings, these weren't intended to cause him severe pain; just a warning that he would stay down, or he would regret it. After his third time, Racetrack stayed down and concentrated on the floor, keeping his head as low as possible. It was only a minor defeat, but all of his losses were adding up and getting to the point of unbearable.
Finally, they reached the doctor's door, and the now familiar sound of the doctor growling "Enter" caused Racetrack both relief and apprehension. He was unceremoniously dumped on the carpet in front of the doctor's desk, and lifted his eyes to stare down the doctor's sharp gaze.
"So," the Doctor said, staring at him in what could either be interpreted as shock, or anger, or both. "Nurse Snyder informs me that we may have severely misjudged you, Mr. Higgins. It's bad enough that we have Ms. Marks in this asylum, even if she is nearly cured of her oddity, but now we have you, corrupting one of my other inmates."
Numerous biting replies made their way to the tip of Racetrack's tongue, but the amount of beatings he'd received in the last few days silenced him. Somehow, he got the idea that this was different. He'd been in trouble constantly since he had arrived at this hospital, and he'd been subjected to the treatments. And while the doctor had been angry at him before, this was a new level of fury that he hadn't previously seen. Instead of shouting, like he had done after the incident in the game room, this was more disappointment.
Racetrack remembered what they had said… he had survived as many things as Amy had, but she had finally been broken. And she had seemed convinced that he would be broken eventually as well. Somehow, Race realized that this was the final test… if he survived this, then they couldn't touch him, and he'd have won. Somehow he would be able to get out of here, if he could make it through whatever they were going to do to him.
"I think, Mr. Higgins, that we will make one last effort to redeem you, instead of just silencing you as we should," the doctor told him, sounding resigned. "It would be better just to silence you, although I think it is time to teach the inmates another lesson. They've begun to look to you as a leader, and now they will watch their hero fall."
The doctor turned to Nurse Snyder. "Prepare an isolation cell. Bring Mr. Higgins there, and leave him until he breaks. Or until he dies, whichever comes first."
The doctor's pronouncement sent a shiver down Racetrack's spine. How could he speak so casually about killing him?
"Until I die, Doc? Wouldn't that cause you some trouble?"
"Not at all, Mr. Higgins. As you yourself have said, you're just a street rat, a nobody. No one has come looking for you since you were committed here. Nobody is coming for you. You have no family, no friends. If you are found dead on the street tomorrow, nobody will care."
The orderlies grabbed him roughly by the shoulders, and pulled him into a corridor that Racetrack had never been in before. This hallway wasn't dimly lit like the main corridors in the asylum, instead it was bright and piercing.
They stopped in front of what looked like a long row of metal boxes, which were about half as tall as Racetrack was. One of the orderlies took a key and opened a box, and roughly threw Racetrack in.
"Enjoy your stay," he called, before slamming the door, and leaving Racetrack in utter darkness.
Considering how small this new cell was, Racetrack was incapable of getting comfortable. He couldn't stand, or move around at all. He only had enough room to stay curled up in a ball, with him head bowed and his arms around his knees. The only light and air came from a few small holes in the door.
There was nothing in the cell which could distract him. He was totally alone, left with just his thoughts. But Racetrack didn't want to think right now. He didn't want to think about what he and Tag had done, and about his own fears. What he wanted to do was sleep.
Race tried to make himself comfortable, and found it incredibly difficult. But finally, he managed to get into a position where he wasn't in constant pain, and closed his eyes. Just then, the cell lit up. His eyes ached as they had to instantly adjust from the utter darkness to the blinding light that had permeated the corridor outside. Accompanying the light was a shrill, piercing beeping.
The shrillness of the sound and the brightness of the lights caused his head to ache, and he couldn't block them out even when he closed his eyes and covered his ears. No matter what he did, he couldn't block it out.
Racetrack sighed, and settled himself for a long sleepless night. He knew he would never make it to sleep, but there was nothing to do in this cell. He barely had enough room to move, and he had no cards to distract him. All he could do was try not to cry out from the constant assault on his senses.
After what seemed like forever, although it could have been as short as five minutes or as long as a day, the sounds and light stopped, leaving him immersed once again in darkness and silence, which felt just as wrong and foreign as the lights and sound had felt.
Even though the darkness came as a partial relief, since his head no longer hurt, it had the side effect of leaving him alone with his thoughts. With his fears. With the realization that he was stuck in a cell, and he had no way of knowing what was going on outside, and he was going to be stuck there until he died. That his secret had finally been truly discovered. That Spot or the others weren't coming to get him. Jack certainly wouldn't come, he'd left him once before. And even if Spot did come, which he doubted more and more as time passed, it would never be the same, because he had betrayed Spot.
And to make it even worse, he had no way of knowing how much time had passed. He didn't know anything. He was completely cut off from the outside world. It was only him, and the darkness and his thoughts. Just before he thought he would lose control completely, the darkness melted away, and was replaced by the blinding light again.
Racetrack shut his eyes, letting out a small moan as the light assaulted him. He was so used to the darkness now, that the change was overwhelming. And when the noise began to assault his ears, he began to scream, trying to drown it out, even though the sound of his own voice only added to the pain he was in. He just wanted everything to go away, and everything to stop. He wanted to be home, safe in Manhattan, after a day in Brooklyn.
The last thing he remembered was saying Spot's name, before he completely shut out the world around him. It wouldn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. He had lost.
Author's Note – I know, I took two whole months to update this. I'm so sorry, but writers block and work, and real life kind of got in the way. But, I've been looking forward to writing the next part of the fic since I started it! In fact, the next part is why I wanted to write this in the first place! Next up, we find out exactly how real this is. grins
Chapter title comes from the show "Bare" which everyone should see, because it's awesome, and stars Aaron Lohr.
Many thanks to Signpost and Glimmer for talking me through the corner I had written myself into, and a very happy birthday to B, who also rules for beta reading this and making me fix the ending.
Shoutouts!
B-Screwing around with Race isn't torture. It's fun. But what happens next… that's the torture part. Poor Tag. huggles him Putting characters into situations where they really need a hug is a fandom trend, you're right about that. Because abusing the pretty? Yeah, way too much fun. See you on Thursday! loves
Gothica-You scare me. And we need to work on our secret project o'doom more. Because we are awesome.
Dreamer-I'm glad you're glad that Race got some action. Because… he's not really in position to get any now.
Nani-Yep! Because really, they should have both known better.
Madison Square-I'm not telling about Race being insane or not. But after this chapter, I'll say that he's certainly not in his right mind at the moment anyway!
Cici-I don't know if Spot would be heartbroken as much as pissed off, but you'll have to see!
Sock-free-Yeah, well, Race is always in trouble when I right him. Because I like torturing him.
Glimmer-Race is not a slut! Not in this fic anyway. He just… needed to hook up with someone to make up for everything I've done to him. Hope you liked your appearance in this chapter.
Shot Hunter-Race and Tag are adorable… but I still love SpRace much more. grin
Thistle-grins I'm glad everyone approves of the boy getting some action. And Tag is adorable… but not really right for Race.
Rumor-Race is always mad at me! I really don't know why he is… I mean, just because torturing him is my hobby….
Til next time!
TSB
