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Chatper 2: I didn't know that…
It was three days into their 'holiday' and so far little had occurred that Gaara could label as out of the ordinary. Kankurou sequestered himself to the couch to complete the video game that had been plaguing his existence for the past week. They continued to train under Baki's vigilance but without Temari it seemed that things moved faster and they were often given an extra hour to themselves. Once, they even completed a simple D-rank mission for extra cash but other than that Kankurou left Gaara to his own devices which was reading, star gazing, and introspective meditation.
So it surprised the young boy when Kankurou climbed the roof, already in his pajamas, to sit next to Gaara on the cool starlit night to talk. Gaara was instantly on his guard against something stupid. He had little patience for potty humor and perversion.
"Do you have any crushes? Like… do you even like girls?" Kankurou asked, staring up at the clear night sky? The question wasn't mocking and seemed to be of genuine interest.
"Of course I like girls…" Gaara snapped. He could feel his cheeks and ears begin to burn with embarrassment. "But… I don't like any girl in particular. Most are afraid of me, anyway."
"Yeah, that's gotta suck. I like all kinds of girls but I'm not mature enough to take a relationship seriously. I'm too young for that anyway," Kankurou replied conversationally. Gaara blinked and shifted uncomfortably. He scanned his tone for an ulterior motive but couldn't sense anything outright.
"You seem that type," he agreed finally.
Kankurou nodded. "You seem the type that would be a good boyfriend, though. Even though you're a little psycho, you're pretty attached to us and I can tell you like Temari."
Gaara ignored the barb about his sanity and blushed profusely. "I…I don't like Temari like that!"
"You doooo. You have a baby brother crush on your sister," Kankurou teased, grinning. "You do whatever she tells you to do and you never threaten to kill her to her face."
It was true that of the two siblings, Gaara favored Temari more, but to imply that he was sweet on her? It was appalling and completely untrue, as far as he was concerned. Though, suddenly, he found himself very concerned that he had some suppressed psychological incestuous desire for his older sister. It was unnerving.
"I don't mean you want to bang her, twerp," Kankurou interjected, perhaps reading Gaara's thoughts through the twitching in his face. "I mean, she's your type of girl, is all."
Relieved, Gaara shook his head. "Not really… She's just…" He paused. "I mean some of the time, I… You're stupid!" He punctuated too embarrassed to continue. He was afraid that any further explanation would support his supposed suppressed psychological incestuous desire.
Kankurou chuckled and pulled his right leg up. "Dork, I don't know why you're getting embarrassed." There was a lull in the conversation, the kind that begged a topic change, a segue way. "Say, I caught Shika kissing Temari a while back. Did you know they were that serious?"
"No," Gaara stated shortly. He couldn't hide the disapproval in his voice.
"Jealous."
"I AM NOT JEALOUS!" He shouted so loudly that is echoed over the rooftops, mocking him each time it repeated 'jealous, jealous, jealous'. He blushed more and scrambled back into the house to escape the echo and the conversation. However, Kankurou followed.
"You're jealous. You don't like the idea of some guy feeling up our sister."
Gaara went to the kitchen, which had accumulated even more dishes, and began scavenging the shelves. "He's my age! There's no way they're serious and he is not 'feeling up out sister'! If they were kissing, it's…. gross."
Kankurou looked at the ceiling as he perused his memories. "I dunno. There was definitely tongue involved, so it was pretty serious."
"Tongue! WHAT!" Gaara stared at him with a mixture of shock and disgust.
The older boy smiled dangerously and chuckled. "That's right," he crooned. "You don't know about kissing girls…" Gaara narrowed his eyes again and shrank back from his brother as though he were about to unleash a dangerous jutsu. "When you kiss a girl you like," Kankurou began to explain, "just as a friend or not seriously, you kiss her on the cheek or lightly on the lips." He put a finger to his own lips to illustrate.
"If it's more serious…" Kankurou walked over, Gaara recoiled nervously, "You take a girl's face in your hands like this…" He placed a hand on either of Gaara's cheeks. "Stare into her eyes… and… " He turned Gaara's head and licked his face. The younger boy immediately screamed and pushed Kankurou away, pretending to gag. He made a couple of half hearted swipes at him but was too busy trying to wipe the cooties off of his face. In the end, he assumed the burning on his cheek, where he rubbed so hard a red mark developed, meant that he had eradicated the icky feeling from being licked.
Kankurou laughed so hard he dropped to the floor. "That was worth it for the reaction! Kankurou-one! Gaara- big fat zero!" He continued to laugh under the hateful gaze of Gaara.
"I knew you were stupid and I knew you were making it up!" He snapped.
Kankurou crossed his legs and grinned. "I am not stupid and I am not making it up. Shika kissed Temari… with tongue. They're serious." He nodded.
Gaara sat down before his brother and rested his chin on his crossed fingers, examining Kankurou with a strong seriousness. He chose his next words carefully. "So… you're saying that Shikamaru had his tongue in Temari's mouth."
"Yes."
"And that that's a very serious kiss."
"The most serious kiss."
"And she let him?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to kill him."
"Jealous."
"I AM NOT!"
Kankurou laughed again. "Anyway, you have to admit that Shikamaru's pretty mature for his age. Women like guys like that, which again surprises me about you. You'd be great for a boyfriend."
Gaara considered this and then considered his source. Could he trust Kankurou as a source for such important information? He was immature, irresponsible, and inconsiderate. However, this was one of the few subjects that he seemed to speak with unwavering confidence.
"Girls like guys… like me?"
"Oh most definitely! I'm great for a fling, but guys like you… you're keepers."
"So… I could get a girlfriend?"
"If you weren't a creepy little psycho," he waved his hand and rolled his eyes, "Kid, you'd have more girls than me."
Gaara rubbed his chin. This information was extremely serious! More girls than Kankurou? Why… that was… seven times four, give or take two or three… Wait. One night stands probably don't count… Even still! That was a lot of girls!
"Dammit! Why do I have to be a creepy, little psycho?" He gripped his hair in anguish and fell back to writhe in misery.
Kankurou patted his knee. "There, there. There's still hope for you yet." Gaara sat up. "Become Kazekage and girls with forget you're creepy, little psycho."
"I'm doomed."
"Then find a girl from Konoha."
"I thought people from Konoha were losers."
"Konoha girls are easy though."
"Easy?"
"Easy."
"Like…how easy?" Gaara turned his head suspiciously. He couldn't believe he was even considering the idea but it was only for future reference, he kept telling himself. A ninja had to know as much as he could about potential enemies and while he couldn't immediately justify knowing just how easy Konoha girls were or weren't, he was sure that it was important.
"Like…walking up a wall easy."
"Next time I go to Konoha, I'm going to get laid." Gaara slapped his hands over his mouth as soon as the words escaped his mouth. "I didn't mean that… It's the Shukaku talking!" Kankurou grinned. "SHUT UP!" He pointed at his younger brother accusingly. "You're a bad influence on me!"
"I knew it, you little pervert! Deep down under that sand and shit and chakra was puberty!" Kankurou slapped his knee and laughed. "Okay, okay. Ask me anything!"
"I don't want to know!" Gaara snapped. "I'm fine not knowing."
"How to unsnap a girl's bra with one hand?"
Gaara closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm a ninja, Kankurou, I can unlock a safe by looking at it."
Kankurou stood up. "Wait here." He ran off without waiting for a reply. Gaara could hear him ascend the stairs and rummage about the second floor above him. Soon, the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs and Kankurou appeared with a large stuffed animal with a lacy bra strapped around it.
"What the hell! Kankurou, you idiot!"
"Here, take it off and prove me wrong about you, O Ninja Master," he jeered. Gaara grabbed the animal and tried to peek around it to see what he was doing. "No looking! Most of the time, she'll still have her shirt on or you'll be too busy tasting what she had for lunch." Gaara sighed and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and groped around the straps.
Just by feel, there were a lot of metal attachments and rows. He furrowed his brows and struggled with the series of latches and loops. After a minute or so with no results, he shoved the bedecked bear back at Kankurou. "You do it."
"Okay. In. Out. Done." In the time that he said those three words, he had the bra unlatched and raised his hands in victory.
"Genjutsu," Gaara accused, glaring at his brother.
"No, little Grasshopper." He closed his eyes and pressed his fingertips together, assuming the air of a wise sage. "If you wish to learn the proper technique, you must pledge to trust my knowledge and training. There are many things I can teach you but you must be willing."
Gaara looked at the bear and then the bra lying beside it. Konoha girls, bras, kissing with tongues… If he became Kazekage… surely he would have to know these things. They were basic male knowledge, right? Was he a pervert, like his brother? Surely not! He simply wanted to know these things to supplement his knowledge of the working world- a look into the simple but complex worlds of idiots!
He pressed his head to the cold floor in a bow. "Teach me… Master." Kankurou smiled.
"Then let us begin."
For the rest of the night, well into the early morning Kankurou explained everything he knew about bras, girls, kissing, dating, breaking-up, and flirting. When the older boy retired to his bed, Gaara could unhook a bra unconsciously; tell what manner of undergarments a girl was wearing and what color. He knew as many techniques for kissing as he knew hand seal combinations and deduced that girls made no sense at all and that he did not understand their mysterious mental workings. By his own admission, Kankurou agreed that he felt the same way and suggested they should try to drag the information out of Temari.
It would probably be classified as an S-rank mission.
Gaara stared at the sky, as it turned from purple to orange. There were no clouds and a few stars continued to fight for their right to twinkle far to the west. His mind was still buzzing from the intense lesson he received.
He took a deep breath, inhaling the already warming air of the morn and exhaled. "Thank you, Kankurou…" I'm going to be an amazing Kazekage.
Chapter Three will come tomorrow! Stay tuned for this humorous series and, as always, read and review! You're comments help me know how I'm doing!
