Remus' nose was bleeding. His shirt blood splattered. His ribs were sore after being punched repeatedly and thrown on the ground. Sirius got lucky today. They were sitting on the same log and Remus' face was in Sirius' hand trying not to laugh. Sirius pointed his wand at his friend's face. A cracking sound sounded in the air as Remus flinched away to hold his face trying not to smile as sore as his face was.
"If you think you feel bad, you should see the other guy." Sirius said. Remus clutched his side stabilizing himself with the hand that he'd just used to hold his nose.
"I can get you shirt, too." Sirius motioned toward Remus and was brushed away both of them beaten up. Sirius got up from log gingerly. Remus watched him steady himself, ah-ha!
"How's your leg?", Remus asked.
Sirius looked over his shoulder and affected sternness. He limped away.
"I just need to stretch it out.", Sirius replied raising his voice even though the stillness of the wood made his voice carry to Lupin.
Both of them dissolved into a coughing fit in the cold. Remus got up and found himself steady and stable. He knew Sirius knew himself well enough to know if he needed to magic his wounds away and that the coldness might effect that but he said he was fine.
They padded away in the snow in silence away from a small clearing ringed with trees. Not the Whomping Willow but they did their job. Initially, they broke into splinters, one setting off the other but after they tested the barrier throwing a rock, both of them decided against it. Maybe they could just fall to create a boundary? It had been unnecessary. Lupin thought his arrangements with Sirius would end, especially since Sirius spent so much time with the Potters now in anticipation of the baby's arrival. But he kept his promise. Peter had offered but not only would it not be the same, Peter would not be able to stop him if there was a problem. Peter had shown up at first but Lupin and Sirius and Peter all knew and understood the arrangement wouldn't work. It just wouldn't. They had not had to disinvite Peter and Peter hadn't felt the need to explain his no longer being there. This was a long time ago before they found the clearing, before they planted the seeds for these trees and Dorcas taught Lupin how to force a thing to grow. Lupin hadn't explained everything but Dorcas felt inclined to mention that something, even a plant forced to grow before its time would be weaker for it. Lupin had nodded and they sat in silence since Lupin knew that he needed something. There was nothing else he could do for the moment. During the right time, or the wrong time, he could rip through an actual cage so a weakened ring of trees would have to do in the meantime.
Lupin felt bad at first. Here Sirius was babysitting, still. Even after school. It had been different then but even now? But it was Sirius who proposed one day that they "meet me at the trees". Lupin knew what that meant though he was confused. There was still a week or so left until the next cycle started, until the tide line would change but he met Sirius in the evening and found a campfire on the edge of the circle. Sirius warmed himself. There was no explanation. He handed Lupin food and they slept under the stars. When they woke up, Sirius pulled his shirt off and Lupin did the same and they were in the middle of the circle as they had before and also not and they wrestled and they boxed and they threw each other on the ground and punched at each other's sides and they had understood when the other was tired. Lupin on one knee panting. Sirius both hands resting on his thighs, staring at each other exhausted. Just too tired to talk as always.
Lupin did not want to think about it too deeply but, when he went on long walks, he couldn't help thinking. It felt better to move his body than to sit and think and brood. He thought Sirius, as a man, needed to punch Lupin, as a man, for all that he'd done for him. For all the growling they'd done at each other. For all the times Lupin lifted Sirius bodily over his extended frame and thrown Sirius, howling, across a room, across a forest clearing. Of all the times Sirius had to risk his life to keep Lupin's rages contained. For keeping the world safe from the nights of Lupin cracking his neck and sometimes keeling over and retching or vomiting outright. Of shaking and paling. When Lupin got out of school, that's when he read deeply about his condition. He had never thought to think about what he looked like when he changed but, when he read it finally, for that too. Having to watch the hair on his arms stand up completely straight, to watch his hair get grey… greyer. To watch his eyes turn yellow. But Sirius stayed and they met at the same place or a different place. Lupin tried to talk to him again. Lupin could find another way.
"Why when this way works?", Sirius replied.
Lupin had tried to get indignant and act offended. Sirius was implying that he wasn't smart enough to take care of himself. Sirius eyebrows arched in genuine surprise and then his face resolved. He smirked. That look. Nice try.
Lupin didn't think that what Sirius hated was the aftermath of the transformation. When Lupin woke up in a daze and that he looked around even if briefly that he wasn't sure where he was. That he sometimes woke up with tears in his eyes, that the Sirius hated that sunlight and the dawn because it illuminated his friend's expression. Because that is what he hated. He stayed on the edge of the trees. He usually didn't even look, it hurt him to look. It had always hurt him to watch. When he was sure that he was changing back into himself, coming down, he would just turn away most of the time. He tossed Lupin his clothes when he was reasonably sure that he was done, that he was himself. Or rather his other self. Lupin made a distinction and Sirius didn't. It wasn't necessary. Sirius knew both of him and loved him and that's why he was there. If Lupin had said James or Peter needed to be there, had wanted them there, they would have all been there, even James. But Lupin would never. So proud, so melancholy. Anyway, James was busy and Peter couldn't help not in the way that Sirius could. James had tried to breach the subject when Sirius visited. This, too, felt like a long time ago but really wasn't. Sirius ended the conversation. He would go. He would go every time and had.
Sirius watched Lupin stretch. Sirius had the same sensation but imagined it was worse for Lupin, like your skin was too tight. That you were more fragile as a man. Lupin put on a long sleeve shirt. He walked like nothing happened though slower or like his trousers were a little too small even as they were kept up with a belt or magic. Once, after Lupin had dressed, he sat back on the ground and cried, his head hung low and shaking back and forth as if someone had asked a question he didn't want to answer. He had pushed Sirius away for the attempt to place his hand on Lupin's shoulder. It was then maybe that Sirius got the idea. They did not fight with each other. He could argue with both James and Peter. Lupin, no. Funny, then, that Lupin felt the same way about Sirius. If Lupin hit him, maybe he would be able to relieve some of the resentment of all of their insistence to make sure he was safe, to make sure he had someone with him, so that he would not always be alone. He was always alone. He would go on long walks. He visited the Potters sure but not the way he did. Not the way Peter did. He didn't live or sleep at headquarters like everyone else. No one knew where he slept. Sirius wondered for so long that it brought him all the way out into the woods and did not find Lupin so went back. He didn't know what else to do or say or think so he told Lupin one day to meet him at the trees. And Lupin did. And Sirius imagined what? Has he thought it through, really? What would he be doing when Lupin punched him or threw him on the ground? Of course he had fought back! What else should he have done? Lupin would have stopped hitting Sirius if Sirius had stopped hitting him. He would not have wrestled him to the ground if Sirius hadn't lunged first. So?
And this was the arrangement. It paralleled the other arrangement. Sirius slowed down to let Lupin catch up to him and they walked together. Sirius threw his arm over Lupin's shoulder thumping Lupin on the chest with his open hand, smiling. He knew Lupin felt better. Sirius felt better like he had taken a sip of water to remove a bolus in his throat. He could breath again. Lupin shoved his hands in his pockets and alternated looking directly in front of him or at the ground but knew he could sense Sirius smiling next to him. Lupin looked the opposite direction trying to conceal his own smile, Sirius tripped a little, he was staring at Lupin, his arm still on his shoulder. Lupin didn't budge even as he smiled. He stared straight ahead of him. Sirius looked ahead pleased with himself, pleased with Lupin, pleased with the cleanness of the air. Lupin made no show to shrug him away but his shoulders weren't up to his ears. They walked like that until just before the gesture became ridiculous and excessive.
Sirius was still smiling at himself, his cleverness. This was good for both of us he thought. He was paying attention to where he walked now. They could magic themselves out faster but the day was still young. They had nowhere else to be. It was then that Lupin could look over without being noticed. Sirius bit his lip and turned to look at Lupin who was no longer smiling. Lupin looked ahead again and exhaled. Sirius thought this was funny but said nothing.
