Remus' Lily
That laugh.
That one laugh that causes me so much happiness and so much pain.
Her laugh.
Lily's laugh.
It's just as incredibly beautiful and tormenting as she is to me.
I'm watching her now, taking in every detail.
Her deep red curls, glowing in the firelight, her cheeks slightly rosy and her eyes.
Those emerald eyes...
Ah, cruel world.
How this girl torments me, without even knowing it!
For I know, that I can never, never be with her.
Each time she smiles, I'm happy and crushed.
Why? Because that smile will never be just for me.
Each time she looks at James, I feel so glad that they've finally found each other, and then I feel so lonely.
Because I know that look will never be for me.
And when she laughs...
Oh god, I don't even want to think about it.
But it wasn't those aspects that made me fall for Lily Evans, no.
It was her personality.
Her kindness.
How she could find the beauty in others when they themselves could not see it.
She showed me I wasn't a monster.
That I wasn't a horrible creature.
That I was just Remus, with a little problem.
Just Remus- smart, caring Remus.
Not a bloodthirsty monster.
It wasn't so long ago that we had that talk...why, it seems like only yesterday.
"Remus...we've been through this before, I don't hate you!" Lily said, exasperatedly.
"Lily, that's because you don't know what I become! You've never seen the real me!" I protested.
"Remus, that's enough! I have seen the real you; he's standing right here in front of me."
"Lily-"
"Just listen to me Remus. You are not cruel in the least. So what if you are a...werewolf," she said, lowering her voice to a whisper.
"That doesn't change you as a person. Regardless of whatever those damn fools at the Ministry think. You are still human. And you're a wonderful human at that." she said, smiling that brilliant smile.
"Lily..."
"Remus. Don't ever think less of yourself just because of your little problem. You are one of the most amazing, kind, fantastic people I have ever had the luck to meet. You hold a very special place in my heart, Remus. I don't know if you knew that or not."
"I-...thank you, Lily."
"Anytime, Remus. Anytime. I couldn't stand you thinking of yourself so horribly anymore! I love you very much, you know."
My breath caught in my throat and my heart was pounding.
Sh-she loved me?
Me!
"You're just like the brother I never had."
My heart now nearly stops beating.
A brother.
Of course.
She could never think of me as anything else.
I was a fool to think that someone so amazing as Lily Evans could truly love me.
Even if I am a human, and not a monster.
I don't deserve her.
"Remus?"
"Thank you Lily. This means a lot to me." I manage to choke out, as she gives me a hug.
"You are most welcome, my friend."
"Um...guys? Is something wrong?" present-time Lily asks.
Oh...I guess I've not been much of a talker these past few minutes.
"What? Oh, sorry Lily, just thinking." says James.
"Yeah..." agrees Sirius.
Wonder what they were thinking about?
"What about?" Lily asks, one of those smiles creeping onto her face.
"Oh, just old times." I reply, trying so hard to hide the pain in my eyes.
Peter nods at this, and Lily laughs.
"Oh you silly boys..."
"That's us!" Sirius says with an idiotic grin. That's Sirius for you. "Forever silly and immature."
"Speak for yourself, Padfoot." I remark, with a snort.
I for one don't think I'm immature.
As for James and Sirius?
Well, they're hopeless.
Lily laughs at my comment, and a dozen butterflies it seems erupt in my stomach.
"Well, you're all my silly boys." she says, resting her head on James shoulder.
The butterflies disappear, seemingly replaced by wasps that sting.
"And you're my beautiful Lily." James says.
Oh how lucky he is to be able to call her that.
"Hey, what about us?" Sirius says.
"Oh alright, alright!" James fakes annoyance.
"So she's our Lily." I say, smiling despite my troubled mind.
"For immature idiots, you all sure are sweet." Lily comments, emerald eyes glittering.
"Aw, thanks Lils." Sirius says.
"And just so you know, I love you all very much." she adds.
Of course, Lily.
You love all of us.
You even love me, when it seems nobody else does.
But not in the way my heart wishes you did.
And you never will...
"But you love me most! Right?" Sirius says.
Sorry, Padfoot, but we're out of luck there. Both of us are.
"I'm sorry Siri, I'm afraid James holds that title." she says, kissing his cheek.
The wasps double in number.
"Aww..." Sirius pouts, and we all have a quiet chuckle.
"Well it is getting late, I'm off to bed. Goodnight!"
Lily says, walking upstairs.
"Goodnight Lily!" all of us say.
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but watch her as she climbs the stairs and shuts the door to her room.
"Night guys, I'm going to sleep." James says, not even a minute after Lily's door shuts.
How unsurprising.
"Goodnight." we all mumble, for the sake of politeness.
"We all should get to bed. Long day tomorrow." I say. It is late. "So, goodnight."
"Yeah...night Moony, Wormtail."
"Goodnight Padfoot."
The three of us could have walked back together, but I didn't feel like talking.
I didn't feel like doing anything, really, but my thoughts had to be sorted out.
These feelings for Lily had to go.
They were wrong.
I shouldn't be having them.
Walking briskly past Sirius and Peter, I hurry down the hall, not stopping till I reach the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"Flipperwings."
I nearly run up the staircase, and fly into my bed.
As I change, I can hear Sirius and Peter coming upstairs.
Quickly shutting the curtains around my bed, I lay still, until the lights go off and I know for sure that both of them are asleep.
Letting out a sad sigh, I bury my face into my pillow.
I'm so stupid.
For all my excellent grades, I sure am an idiot...
She deserves someone like James- someone who can take care of her.
And James deserves her- for all his perseverance, and because he truly does love her.
More than I do?
I don't know.
But I won't think about that.
Lily is unattainable, and somehow, soon I must force my heart to realize that.
Oh Lily...if only you knew...
If only.
Goodnight Lily.
