Lupin did not want to talk to anyone. He could not be consoled. Now he understood why Emmeline got on Sirius' nerves. Shameless, asking him if he wanted to talk. Cooing over him. Fucking fraud, fucking phony. Sirius would go to Azkaban if he wasn't already there. Lupin didn't want to think about it.

Prongs? Dead. Wormtail? Dead. Dorcas? Dead. Killer McKinnon? Dead. Philippa? Whereabouts unknown. If Dorcas had anything to do with where Philippa was hidden, Lupin imagined it was a far sight better than he had been able to do for her. His parents? His parents… He groaned at the thought. He was now alone in the world. Really alone. He could try to find Philippa. He was certain he could but someone else thought they could find Dorcas and they had. Everyone who had really wanted to find her had. He decided that if he would look for Philippa, it would have to wait.

His original plan, if it could even have been called that, was to gather some things and just walk away but he found himself somehow nose-to-nose with Emmeline and her arms gripping his shoulders asking him repeatedly if he was ok. Or maybe she asked once or maybe she wasn't even talking. Her closeness made it so he couldn't think straight. He felt something sitting on his chest even though he was standing up and, strange, she smelled a little like him. Emmeline smelled a little like Sirius. They both came from unimaginably deep wells of money. Maybe this is what rich people smelled like. He thought maybe if he kissed her it would get her away from him. He knew, as he understood in his marrow, that the sun will always rise even if it's sitting behind clouds. He knew in the same way that the moon would pull something out of his blood like it pulled the tides that Emmeline would slap him so hard that he'd fall over. Actually, she could probably kill him with just the idea of backhanding him out of a window and then he'd be dead, no magic required. But he didn't kiss her. Instead he lifted her right hand off his shoulder and then her left hand and he saw her mouth moving making words and sounds but couldn't hear them over the buzzing growing ever louder in his ears. He went to the sink to get a glass of water or to throw up, decided against either and passed Alastor on the way out of the door. Alastor made a gesture but said nothing, Lupin didn't notice. He was half way down the street hands shoved into his pockets with nothing but the clothes on his back. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be alive. He wanted some fresh air and to walk. And so he did.

The argument had no start really. It didn't simmer and then roil to a boil and spill over, it just happened. Lupin did not know how to feel about that argument or anything else that happened afterwards. They hadn't made up, not really. When Sirius left that day, they were on shaky terms. It had been like kissing a bruise. He anticipated the warm, plum colored sweetness of it but his mouth had been filled with the salt of his tears. It made his stomachache. It had caused him physical pain. Sirius was weaker than he was. He knew that now, a little too late. Weaker and stupider, too. No one under any circumstance could have convinced Lupin that any of his friends could have betrayed another. Well maybe, he might have suspected Peter once upon a time. Like a patronus, you have just enough say in the matter but ultimately the magic chooses. Sirius would have died for James and James for Lily and Harry but he had it all wrong. Peter was now dead, James did die and Sirius was responsible. Sirius had killed half of the Marauders, the 'only woman good enough for James' and several muggles besides. Lupin breathed in through his nose burning a little with the dryness and pollen in the air. The day was unseasonably warm and clear and he was thankful to turn ideas in his head while taking a long walk without being rained or fogged on. He liked that he could feel the earth under his feet and people moved beside and around him like ocean currents on land. The wind carried a nice smell to him. He smiled to himself thinking that he was smelling a flower from Argentina. He passed a small shop and a woman looked up at him gazing. 'He's lovely', she thought. 'I would want a boyfriend who looks like that.' Lupin didn't notice which made him even more attractive to her.

Lupin and Sirius understood, on an animal level, that something bad was about to happen. They were saying goodbye forever and they were sad and they were both sorry for what Sirius had said and thought and this was not Sirius making it up to him except that Lupin was, in fact, beautiful. He wasn't as arrogant or obvious as James', his sense of humor was broader than Sirius and his solitude, his ability to be alone was more tolerable than Peter's needy streak. He was gentler than all of them. If they had all been placed in a room at this age or even slightly older, every girl they had gone to school with would now be in love with Lupin. James would have fumed inwardly at this but that did not happen and could never happen and did not happen. Sirius glimpsed it that night, but he had seen it too late. Lupin was never anyone's threat on a regular day. He might have even overcompensated a little. Sirius was shaking with how wrong her had been. Lupin, had shrugged off his apology. Only a few days before, Lupin had stared into Sirius' eyes imploring him, begging him to look. Really look.

"It's me, Padfoot. Look at me. It's me." He had found nothing in his eyes but skepticism, he searched Sirius' eyes for recognition, for himself and found nothing. At least, now he really knew what Sirius thought.

Sirius needed to speak with Peter but the thought of baby Harry and James and Lily kept him focused. Lupin was already downstairs eating with Edgar but when Sirius bounded down the stairs, they both wished Edgar wasn't there. Sirius imagined telling Lupin what he was going to say, what he was going to do if he had to do it but only after he confirmed his suspicions. He had to know that he had not made yet another mistake with another friend. He had to understand what was going on and what had happened. Lupin would have known he couldn't be talked out of it. He imagined kissing Sirius goodbye, not romantically, as a gesture. Word-to-word. They didn't have to say anything. A shared breath. Instead, Sirius nodded, running his hands through his hair.

"I'll be out. I have some business to take care of."

Lupin looked up from his food gave an upward nod in recognition and went back to eating.

"Cheers", Edgar called over his shoulder. He had wanted to say take care. He wanted to mention that food would be served that evening and it would be nice to have all of them sitting together to have a meal but didn't. Sirius ran into Emmeline coming in from the watch. They walked past each other brushing elbows. Sirius anticipated Emmeline running her shoulder into him and him overcompensating to avoid it. He left slightly more agitated, angrier than when he'd woken up.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked at the table. Edgar shook his head and sipped at his coffee while he continued to read the prophet. They kissed each other and Lupin looked up in time to catch the peck and he knew. He just knew. He fought to keep himself in the chair and when he couldn't sit any longer he got up like a mechanic winding toy to put his dishes in the sink and instead of running after Sirius, he turned towards the stairs. His legs got heavier with each step, as if they were magnetized, until he was forced to sit in the stairwell and wait until Sirius returned. 'Wait like a dog.' He thought. Ha!