A/N: With everyone's comments about my ipod, it seems to me that perhaps it might not be my iPod at all, but iTunes instead. Apparently, despite the fact they advertise a 14 hour battery, everyone I know has about a 4 hour anyway, so that seems to be normal. Also, I checked and a few more of my songs and playlists are whacked, but not on the iPod itself.
Checking with a few technogeek friends, they all said that iTunes works perfectly on a Mac, but tends to be kind of screwy sometimes on a Microsoft. And now I understand. Though, I do hate it when these companies have to duke it out by making Mac or Microsoft software that screws up if you only have the other type of computer. Stupid computer wars...
Okay, back to the story and enough of my rambling...
Chapter 9: Confusing Thoughts
That long night while I held Inuyasha, I discovered something about him that I never really thought of before. While he was poisoned he had told me he needed me; he acted like a child, desperate for his mother. It was then that I remembered that his mother had died when he was very young, leaving him with no one to look after him.
I've asked him about that night, and he has told me he doesn't remember calling out my name, or asking me to watch over him at all. Now, this could possibly be because he always has to keep his pride up in order to feel "manly" about it, but I am more inclined to believe that he seriously doesn't remember. Inuyasha wouldn't lie about something like that, especially if it involved me.
Sometimes when I look at Inuko, it reminds me of that small part of him that always missed his mother, and missed having someone there who cared. Though, he had cried my name in the night instead of hers, so I suspected these feelings within him were all forgotten, masked by years of trusting no one and depending only on himself. It was enough to bring tears to my eyes at the thought.
My motherly instincts combined with the love I felt for him made me wish I could just hold him and keep him safe, forever. I wanted to hold him every day and promise him that everything would be all right, be his pillar of strength as he had been mine, and would continue to do so through the hard times that lay ahead.
I guess I will never fully understand our relationship, though many times I wished to know everything about him, I always knew there was more he was keeping locked up inside his heart, unable to share because the walls guarding it were too protective. It nearly broke my heart thinking that anyone would go through such a thing to turn them so hard…especially not a man who, once he threw down his protective barriers, had such a simple, innocent love of life that matched my own.
But the time for healing from those old scars would come. Inuyasha was beginning to warm up to me through this journey, and little did I know that we were falling deeper and deeper in love through these simple moments. It is a wonder that I didn't see it sooner…
Kagome had just awoke when she felt the form lying in her lap stir. Yawning sleepily since she didn't get much sleep the night before, she asked, "Inuyasha?"
The hanyou's amber eyes fluttered open once more, before he closed them again, giving a grunt as he shifted his weight, trying to sit up. "Inuyasha!" Kagome gasped, knowing his exertions. "You shouldn't be sitting up right now! You might still be—"
"I'm all right, Kagome," Inuyasha replied, opening his golden eyes once more to look down at her softly. She still held worry in her brown eyes, but that was replaced with relief once she realized he was better.
"You really…feel better now, Inuyasha?" she asked, noticing how he stretched the kinks out of his back with another grunt, her eyes on the bandage wrapped around his bare chest.
A small, encouraging smile came across his face as he assured her, "Yeah…but I feel a little stiff though…" He looked back at her, his face a bit puzzled. "Kagome, what happened? I remember that youkai…but everything from in this cave is kind of fuzzy…"
To his surprise, a blush appeared on her face. Kagome looked away quickly, as if he could tell what she was thinking through her eyes. "You don't…remember anything, Inuyasha?"
"Not really," the hanyou replied in all honesty, but he knew he must have said something stupid and embarrassing to him for her to be reacting like that. Inuyasha knew Kagome would never tell him even if he asked, so he'd be forced to wonder what he could have possibly said to her to warrant that reaction.
"You were poisoned, Inuyasha," she explained softly, deciding to look back at his slightly surprised eyes. "It was a poison that only affects humans, so you had me worried for a while."
Instead of looking relieved that he had pulled through such a situation, he looked back at her with worry. "Only affects humans? Kagome, you're okay, right?"
She was touched by his sudden concern for her, despite his near-death experience. "Yes, Inuyasha, I'm fine. I didn't get poisoned."
That put the hanyou's concern at ease, but he then noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the smell of tears, and the way she cringed when she moved, as if she had been sitting in a position for a long time. "Kagome…" he asked, his amber eyes widening. "You watched over me…the whole night?"
Kagome looked away slightly at that, as if afraid he would be mad at what he had done. "Yes, Inuyasha…I didn't want to see you…die." She spoke the last word softly, her breath shaking. "And…you asked me too, Inuyasha."
"I…asked you too?"
Nodding her tired and worried eyes met his surprised ones. "You told me several times you wanted me to watch over you, and so I did. I would have done it anyway because…I was so worried…" Inuyasha noticed how relieved tears built up in her eyes, and how she began trembling once more, as if afraid for his life once more.
Come to think of it, he did remember slightly about seeing her above him, looking like a beautiful angel had come to care for him…What he said was fuzzy, but he remembered her words, clear and true, "I'm taking care of you…I'm here. You're safe…"
"Kagome…" he murmured, as he wrapped his arms around her, holding the trembling girl to his chest, burying his nose in her hair, surrounded by her beautiful scent. "Thank you, for watching over me."
Her arms came to wrap around his chest, clinging to him for dear life. "I was so worried, Inuyasha…I didn't know what I would do if you died…"
Inuyasha smelled the salt in her tears and realized she must have held those in for the longest time, while looking after him. He really didn't deserve this; he didn't deserve such a pure angel caring for him and crying for him. And a small portion of his brain that wasn't concerned about Naraku or anything else but the woman in front of him thought, I don't deserve her.
Deciding to ease her worries, he held her closer, speaking in a harsher tone than his actions, "Keh. I won't die that easily. I'm hanyou, remember? I can handle much more than would kill puny humans."
"But if your youkai blood didn't save you, you could have died…" she whispered, still clinging on to him as if he would disappear before her very eyes. "I don't think I have ever been so afraid."
Though Inuyasha couldn't help but appreciate that she had been so worried over him, he knew he would have to ease her spirits somehow. Besides, she was crying, and he hated it whenever he made her cry. "Kagome, please calm down, okay? I'm just fine…"
There was a snort and Inuyasha glanced past Kagome to see Kouga standing in the doorway, an annoyed expression on his face. "So, still alive, are you, Dog Crap?"
With one arm around Kagome, Inuyasha curled the other one into a threatening fist. "Keh. That's right! Can't get rid of me that easily!"
The wolf prince just huffed and turned away, trying very hard not to notice that Kagome was currently hanging all over Inuyasha, crying her eyes out. He couldn't stand it. What was the big deal, anyway? The mutt wasn't dead, and he never really understood what she saw in his rival anyway. Didn't she realize that he could never really protect her because he was only a hanyou?
Or maybe…she just didn't care.
When Kouga looked back, he noticed that thankfully, Kagome had separated from him while Inuyasha put his shirt and haori back on over the bandage across his chest. Instead of keeping her eyes on the hanyou, Kagome turned back to look at him. "Kouga-kun, thank you for helping me yesterday. If you didn't, then…" she glanced back at Inuyasha, her eyes looking worried at even thinking that thought.
"You're welcome," Kouga responded, a much harsher than he usually would have spoken with her, but at this point, he didn't care. All his hopes and dreams were being shattered before his eyes, all because the hanyou was stupid enough to get himself poisoned and worry Kagome to death.
Kouga rolled his eyes. If that's what it took for Kagome to fall in love with somebody, then he should have done it much sooner.
Though Kagome didn't notice his standoffish demeanor, Inuyasha certainly did. He couldn't help but have a small grin in triumph, having a feeling that the wolf would learn to back off from now on, knowing that Kagome liked him better than Kouga, despite how many flirtations the wolf youkai prince gave her.
But that thought led to more questions and answers, questions that Inuyasha would have to put away for another time since it would take too long to think them all over now.
"Come on, Kagome, we should leave here," Inuyasha said, standing up and grabbing her backpack. "We've stayed in this territory for far too long…" Amber eyes narrowed on the wolf. "And I can't say I like being in debt to a wimpy wolf."
Always having a retort, Kouga shot back, "If you hadn't been so clumsy and stupid as to get yourself hurt, then I wouldn't have helped." Folding his arms and turning away in another huff, Kouga replied, "Besides, I didn't help willingly. I only did it because Kagome was upset."
With Inuyasha's deeper glare, Kagome could sense that there was a fight brewing. Stepping between the two, Kagome told Kouga, "Yes, I was upset. But thank you for helping us, Kouga. With Inuyasha's wounds and with the Shikon no Tama. Now we have to go, so I hope to see you again soon."
The hanyou rolled his eyes. Why did she have to say that to make him feel better anyway? If he had his way, they wouldn't ever come back to see the mangy wolf, but unfortunately, she had to pity him.
Inuyasha hurriedly shuffled her out of the cave so they could begin their return back to their friends, and to get away from his rival once and for all.
While they departed, Kouga watched them from the cave as Kagome climbed on Inuyasha's back and they left to go back to the village. Looking down upon them with sad blue eyes, the wolf sighed, and knew once and for all, thatthere was no coming between them.
They continued traveling, Inuyasha carrying Kagome on his back while they crossed the land. At first Kagome protested, but once he assured her he had recovered to his full strength, she relented and let him carry her.
Soon, however, Inuyasha heard her soft breathing and knew she had fallen asleep. It was no wonder; she had stayed up half the night in worry over him. That thought alone caused his normally hard eyes to soften, and his heart to feel lighter than it had in years.
Once again his thoughts turned to this girl who he had known for an entire year, yet now, it seemed, was just trying to understand her underlying reasons behind her every move. Ever since her birthday, he had felt something other than friendship for her, something deeper…and much more binding…
The truth was, he didn't want to see what was in front of his face. Inuyasha had too many reasons not too see—the promise to Kikyou for one, the fact that she had her own world that she belonged in, and not with him, the fact that Naraku was still out there, and if he found out it would be a repeat of what happened fifty years ago…
And then there was that thought that he could never hope to escape, the fact that he was a hanyou, and therefore not worthy of her.
Sure, she accepted him for who he was, and said so on several accounts, but that was about friendship. Would she want to be with a hanyou in a deeper relationship? Inuyasha knew she should be with a human, like her. She truely was an angel, so pure and also out of his reach. Though it would break his heart, he would let her go, knowing he was doing the right thing.
Hanyous could expect nothing in life, and almost certainly could not expect to think that anyone would actually…love them. Kagome was no different. She cared about him, almost definitely, and she didn't want to leave him…perhaps it was because she felt sorry for him?
With a sigh, Inuyasha lowered his head, focusing on the grass whizzing by his feet as he ran. Pity. That, as a hanyou, was all he could ever hope for. But he would not feel sorry for himself; his pride wouldn't allow it. He would accept whatever life brought him, without moping over it for years to come.
True, his life would be dull and depressing without Kagome, she brought all the laughter and light into it. But he had lived without her for several years, didn't he? He could do it again. At least he would be comforted in knowing that she was happy with a human in her time, and knowing he did the right thing in letting her go.
However, his possessive, youkai side didn't want that. If Inuyasha was selfish, he would grab her and not ever let her go. While one side of him told him he could go on without her, his other side told him that he wouldn't be able to.
Taking a glance back at her, Inuyasha could smell her sweet scent that never failed to calm him and make him feel at ease. Sometimes when his temper raged, it was her scent that saved him from going over the edge. Could he live without that?
Could he truly, honestly, live without this wonderful woman that seemed to finally fill the piece in his heart that had been missing? The one who had healed the scars from years of loneliness? Would he be able to go on without her?
The answer was obvious—he didn't know. He didn't think he would ever know unless he had to live it. But he knew one thing, if he had to let her go, he couldn't live without her if he told her he needed her and…of deeper feelings he was beginning to suspect he had.
Amber eyes softened once more as they glanced on her as she slept, looking so innocent like that. Kagome…I never want to let you go…But if it's better for both of us…
Sighing once more, Inuyasha decided to put that from his mind. It was getting too depressing, and there was no guarantee that he would have to give her up. There was a possibility that she wanted to stay with him, and after the way she had acted, there was a greater possibility that she might actually…love him.
But that wasn't possible, and he knew it. Kagome knew he was a hanyou, a half-breed. And he knew that somewhere, like in all other humans, she was repulsed by him, no matter how well she hid it. After all, who could love a hanyou?
The road home didn't take as much time as I thought. That could have been due to my sleepiness, but I also think it was because Inuyasha wanted to get back to the village and not be around me as much sooner. I didn't quite understand it. He was so happy to be with me before the incident in the cave, and after it, something was definitely bothering him.
When I tried to ask him, he pretended that nothing was wrong, but I've always been able to read him like a book when I try. I knew it had everything to do with what transpired in the cave, and everything to do with me. Because of the events that happened soon afterward, I can only assume it was because Inuyasha was still unsure of his feelings for me, and was contemplating them at the time.
Inuyasha has always been one to doubt the feelings of others, and I was no exception. Even after we were mates there were times when he asked me if I regretted it, or if I knew that I could have had so much more with someone else. That was a lie, and I knew it then. Yes, I could have had more material things with others, but I do think having his love eventually was good enough for me, almost too much, infact.
But where was I? After a few days, we reached the village again, and I was happy to be back, so I could end the silence that prevailed when I was with Inuyasha.
"Kagome-chan!" Sango smiled while running up to Kagome, who had just stepped into the village with the hanyou. "You're back!"
"Yeah," she smiled back at her friend. "We would have been back a day earlier, but we ran into some trouble." Those words made the hanyou beside her instantly pretend that he had stopped listening.
The exterminator looked slightly worried. "Trouble? What kind of trouble?"
"It was nothing," Inuyasha muttered stepping past the both of them and walking towards Kaede's hut, his features hard once more. Both women stared at him as he left.
"What's going on with Inuyasha?" Sango asked her as they walked past the wooden huts and the women out doing their chores in the village. The sounds of playing and running children were all around them, as it was the middle of the afternoon.
Looking downward, her brown eyes looking depressed, Kagome replied, "Sango-chan…while we were talking to Kouga-kun…something happened. A rat youkai came out of no where and attacked us. Inuyasha destroyed it, but he took a blow that was meant for me and he got poisoned."
Sango's dark eyes got wider. "He got poisoned? But rat youkai poison only affects humans…"
Kagome glanced back at her, nodding. "Inuyasha's half human though, so he got sick anyway."
The exterminator sucked in a breath. She knew the poison from such youkai was nasty, even for hanyous. "What happened?"
"I watched over him the whole night, and he was better the next day, but…Sango-chan…" Kagome felt herself blushing and turning away, not wanting to share this piece of information with her friend.
But Sango would not back down until she heard all from her. "What is it, Kagome-chan?"
Sighing, Kagome replied in a small voice. "He…he had a nightmare…and he called my name out in his sleep…"
The youkai exterminator's eyes widened. "He actually did that?"
She nodded in reply. "I don't understand it, Sango-chan. Ever since then he's been quiet and not talking to me as much."
Shrugging, her friend offered, "Perhaps he's having a hard time with his feelings."
Kagome glanced back at her. "What do you mean?"
"Maybe after what you said happened, Inuyasha is questioning his feelings about you, and yours about him. It certainly seems that way to me."
"I already told you, Sango-chan," Kagome told her sadly. "I don't think he has any feelings for me…it just seems to impossible to believe."
"You never know, Kagome-chan," was Sango's only reply before walking back to Kaede's hut, leaving Kagome standing there, utterly confused.
