A/N: Well...Kikyou is dead...for good. The chapter was heartbreaking, especially after watching episode 148 20 times (yes, I counted) for Lie to Me last month. If you haven't seen it, I reccomend you google a scantlation instead of a translation, because the chapter is nothing without Takahashi-sama's beautiful artwork.
The thing is, I am a Kagome/Inuyasha shipper, as you all know, but I have great respect for Kikyou too. Even though there were major Kikyou/Inuyasha stuff in this chapter (such as Inuyasha kissing Kikyou goodbye), I don't think it'll hinder the Kagome/Inuyasha soon to be romance at all, despite how some are upset about it. I ended up crying in the end, not just because of the chapter, but because my Inuyasha playlist has the worst timing in the world, and the Kikyou theme came on just as she died.
As I stated before, I am going to do a oneshot of that chapter, because it affected me that much, and I promise its the only Kikyou/Inuyasha thing I will ever do. It might be out either today or tomorrow, and I hope that you come and read and give some respect for her, as I do.
And so, Kikyou (manga chapters 1-465) may your soul finally rest in peace.
Chapter 16: An Understanding
I was unable to stop thinking about that kiss. And what to do about Inuyasha once I saw him again. I knew it now; he was afraid of my reaction when he would eventually confront me. I wasn't ready to fully reveal the extent of my feelings, but I was ready to show Inuyasha that he cared more to me than I had previously let on.
After all, the problem seemed flawless. He obviously cared for me, and I loved him. How hard would it be for me to just come out and tell him? Harder than it looked apparently, because as the day went on, I became more and more terrified.
Looking back, I know I had nothing to be afraid of, after all, Inuyasha loved me as well, and if I had known it back then, perhaps it would have been easier to let him know of my own feelings.
Perhaps.
It is odd, isn't it? Even when you know the outcome of taking a chance, you are still afraid to do it? That was one of the first times I had ever felt that feeling, yet I would feel it so often as time went on…And even now, I wonder what would have happened if I had never taken those chances…and if I could have ended up happy with the life they would have given me, because I know if I had taken the other choice, I probably would not have what I have now…
Of course, one can never know…
Inuyasha emerged from the well in the shrine, standing before the door to the courtyard, not quite ready to make his appearance. He had decided before to apologize for kissing her, yet he could not quite figure out how to do such a thing.
His instincts were telling him to run, but he knew he could not. It would only make things worse. The hanyou knew that even if it would kill him, he would stand like a man and give her an honest apology.
Gathering up all his courage, he took a deep breath, and slid open the door to the shrine courtyard looking out over modern Tokyo. He was instantly assaulted with all the smells of this time that he could never really stand. He knew that if anyone in her time had such sensitive noses, they wouldn't think to make the air so annoyingly thick with what Kagome called 'smog'.
Inuyasha may not have liked her time much, but he knew if Kagome asked him to live out his life with her in her time, he would have gladly said yes. He would do anything if it meant being with her…Even apologize for kissing her, though he didn't regret the action at all…only the aftermath.
How could he regret it? Inuyasha knew he had been attracted to her for a while, and now that he admitted to himself that he was in love with her, it was only natural to want to feel her like that, and to know what it was like to hold her in such a passionate embrace.
And oh, what an embrace it was. An electric jolt had gone through him like he had never felt before…knowing that her moist lips were captured beneath his…
Oh Hell, not again! The hanyou growled, hoping that he wouldn't be distracted by his current frightening objective by going down that train of thought again.
He made his way over to the Higurashi house, stopping just beneath Kagome's window. Inuyasha glanced up at the sun, and knew it was only about noon. Kagome would be at her school for a few more hours, meaning that he could sit in her room for a couple of hours and muse upon how exactly to make his apology. Yeah, that would work…By the time she came home, he would have one already planned out, and hopefully fully memorized.
Her window was open, so Inuyasha decided to jump up and get it over with. Jumping up through the window, he landed on the carpet in the middle of her room...right in front of a surprised Kagome.
"Inuyasha?" she asked, while the hanyou, with a look of pure terror, scooted back into a wall.
Words drabbled out of his mouth like a small stream of water from a bucket. "I…I…I…uh…just wanted to…you know…" he mumbled a few more unintelligible things and profainities before his face turned bright red, and he yelled, "Sorry!"
It didn't take a genius to figure out that something was seriously wrong with her hanyou, so with narrowed eyes, Kagome walked over and kneeled across from him, his eyes darting away. "Inuyasha, what has gotten into you?"
He still didn't look back at her, cursing at himself for his mistake and messing up his humble apology. If she hadn't been home, then perhaps he could have avoided making a fool of himself. Since that option was completely thrown out the window, he was now aiming for not getting sat. "Why aren't you at your…your…school thing?" he demanded, pointing at her clothes, which instead of her new high school uniform, were everyday, casual clothes.
Sighing and rolling her eyes, Kagome explained, "It's Saturday, Inuyasha. I don't have to go to school today."
That brought on a frown and another slight blush from the hanyou. He should have known she wouldn't be at school today, she had told him so before. Of course, he had forgotten about it, not wanting to go to all the trouble of counting the days since they were last here…
The last time I was here was…He vaguely remembered blurting out to her that he couldn't stop thinking about her in this very room…come to think of it, adding this to the record, some of his greatest foot-in-mouth moments occurred here…while his brain was addled by her enticing scent…But since the woman of that scent was sitting inches away from him, he decided not to muse about that now.
Speaking softer, Kagome asked, "Inuyasha, what are you doing here?"
He paused. Should he do it now? Or would he make up some lame excuse, turn around, and run again? While the latter choice seemed like the much easier path to take, it wasn't an option anymore. He had decided he would have to apologize for defiling her like that, and no matter what harm came to him after the apology, Inuyasha at least knew his conscience would be clear. Sort of.
Inuyasha let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in, before turning back to her, the woman that was so far above him, yet he couldn't help but love. He allowed himself one look into her beautiful brown eyes before lowering his own in a humble gaze. "Kagome…I'm sorry."
Her face locked in puzzlement. "For what, Inuyasha?"
"You know what," the hanyou shot back, his stunning amber eyes glaring at her, and then she knew.
A blush appeared on Kagome's face. "You mean…that?"
"Of course I mean that!" he yelled back, his patience weakening. He shot up, yelling back down at her. "I'm sorry, alright? It wasn't supposed to happen! I didn't mean to go and kiss you, okay!"
Her face changing from a blush to the red of rage, Kagome also stood up, yelling back, "Well, what's that supposed to mean, baka?"
"It means I didn't want to force you into something you didn't want!" With Inuyasha's final yell, Kagome shrunk back, all anger leaving her face. The hanyou turned away, determined to hide his embarrassment through false pride. Folding his arms, he muttered, "Look, I didn't want…I didn't want it to happen. I just…couldn't control myself. I'm sorry, Kagome. I won't do it again, I promise. So can we please forget it and just go on as we have?"
She didn't answer, and then Inuyasha smelled her tears. Oh no… "Kagome?" he asked, looking back at her as she hid her face amidst her hands, her tears fully evident. Now I made her cry! "Kagome, I know you're upset but…" Crap, he wasn't good at this! And he was beginning to lose his own temper as well. "Just stop crying! Sit me or something! Yell at me! Threaten to never speak to me again! Just do something other than that! I told you I was sorry, okay!"
"Inuyasha…" her voice was barely a whisper as she removed her hands, looking up at him with, of all else, hurt eyes.
His brain instantly stopped in surprise. What did I do?
"Inuyasha," she repeated, getting closer to him, blinking away tears. "Do you really think…Did you really think I didn't want it?"
Seconds passed as the hanyou desperately tried to process what she had just said. Wait…she said…does that mean…?
No. It wasn't possible. She was human. He was hanyou. There were so many things keeping them apart. She was so far above him. She deserved better. Yet Kagome had just said that she…
He reached for her, wanting to bring her eyes to look into his, to know once and for all… "Kagome…"
Alas, things were to be interrupted once again. "Kagome?" Mrs. Higurashi called up the stairs, causing the two to instantly spring apart with beet red faces.
"Y-Yes, Mama?" she asked, not daring to look back at the hanyou, who she could hear was muttering curses under his breath.
Damn it, he was so close! If she meant what it had sounded like she meant…Only if her mother had waited a few minutes longer—!
"Kagome, you're friends are here." That statement caused the blush to drain from both of their faces. Now they were faced with a new problem. "And tell Inuyasha to cool down his temper, okay?"
They didn't even bother to wonder how her mother knew about him being here, but the instant they heard her friends coming up the stairs to see her, they knew they only had seconds to fix the problem of Inuyasha's rather conspicuous ears. "Inuyasha, where's your hat?" she gasped in horror, glancing around the room.
"I don't know!" His eyes scanned for anything he could toss over his head to hide them, because he didn't like the prospect of having to tell them what he was, nor having to endure a round of "tweak the ears until they ache" again
"I got it!" she cried, holding the idiotic baseball hat triumphantly and slamming down on his head just as the door opened.
"Kagome-chan!" Eri, Ayumi, and Yuka bounded through the door and to her room, wearing bright smiles on their faces to contrast the looks of terror on Inuyasha and Kagome's.
Nervously, Kagome replied, "Hi, guys…what are you doing here?"
"We came to ask you to come with us tonight, Kagome-chan," Yuka said, unable to keep the excitement from her voice. "Your boyfriend can come too."
Inuyasha decided it was best to fade into the background before they noticed he was trying not to attract any unwanted attention. "Where are you guys going?" Kagome asked, slightly curious.
"We thought we would go somewhere downtown," Ayumi supplied, looking excited at the prospect. "Since we are sixteen, I suppose we're old enough now to go to dance clubs and things."
Kagome stared back at her. "You want to go to a—?"
"Come on, Kagome-chan!" Eri encouraged her, smile widening. "Your mother already said it was okay. It'll be fun! Besides, it would be a nice date for you and your boyfriend, I suppose."
Kagome knew that there was no option of saying no now. But she didn't want to go out with them today! She wanted to stay right here and finally get to tell Inuyasha what she had been planning on a minute ago! Sighing, she admitted defeat. "Sure, whatever."
Her friends squealed with her reply. "All right! We'll come pick you up later, Kagome-chan! Don't forget to wear something nice!"
"Yeah, yeah…" she muttered as they walked out, collapsing on to her bed. What am I going to do now?
The hanyou swiped the hat off his head the minute her friends left the room, and then he sat next to the miko who was currently burying her head in a pillow, wishing she knew how to say no to her friends. "Kagome? What's going on? What were they talking about?"
Glancing up at him and noticing his rather archaic attire, she spoke, "Inuyasha, tonight, you are going to have to wear something other than those clothes."
And so he did. Even though the hanyou thought he looked like an idiot in a combination of her father's and Souta's clothes, Kagome personally thought he couldn't have looked better. They were both dressed up to go clubbing, as it seemed her friends had always wanted to tour Tokyo's nightlife. Since Inuyasha was going with them, Mrs. Higarashi saw no harm in it, knowing the hanyou wouldn't let anything happen to them.
And so, Kagome and Inuyasha found themselves sitting at a small table in some dance club, both wishing they were anywhere else. Inuyasha wished he could have finished the conversation with Kagome in her bedroom, not having to be forced into this place with loud music making his already-covered ears lie flat on his head, and not having to notice all the males around taking notice of the girl with him.
Kagome's outfit was a short black skirt, and her shirt was more revealing than the hanyou was used to. To top it off, she wore boots that made him wish she could wear something like that all the time…though as soon as they got out of the house, Inuyasha was reminded that other men would see it and notice it too. Kagome warned him that if he so much as growled, he was in for the sitting of his life, but he couldn't help but give them all death glares while cracking his knuckles in a warning.
Come to think of it, Kagome looked relatively modest compared to many other women in this place. Oh, the monk would be happy if he was here to see this. Miroku had mentioned how much he liked the clothes of Kagome's time if the skirts were all as short as hers, but that was only the beginning, it seemed, when it came to revealing fashion.
Kagome, on the other hand, could not keep her eyes off Inuyasha. He had changed into a regular tee shirt and jeans, and she had forced him into shoes for once, though he claimed he didn't like them. Somehow, since the shirt was snugger than his haori, it accented his rather…toned chest muscles. Blushing, she looked away again. Why am I thinking about this now?
Despite all the noise around them, Inuyasha didn't like the silence going on between himself and Kagome. "Your friends seem to be having fun," he said, glancing at Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi, who were all dancing wildly to the fast-paced music.
"Yeah, they, uh…like this sort of thing, I suppose," she replied, but couldn't help but envy them. She liked to dance too, but she couldn't just get up and leave Inuyasha alone like this, despite the fact that her thoughts were currently on what he had said to her previously.
Curious, Inuyasha asked, "Do people here do this all the time?" his eye was on a couple that were dancing rather provocatively, before he turned away blushing, willing all images of Kagome dancing like that would leave his mind.
With his blush, she knew what he must have seen. "Yeah…people do it for fun…and you could also call it an, um…" she decided it to word it in a way he would understand. "A mating ritual."
Of course, that caused the blush to deepen on the hanyou's face. "A what?"
The music suddenly switched to a slow song, and Kagome realized that she had never slow danced with a boy before. That was embarrassing. She had already kissed a boy at sixteen, but never danced with one? Deciding to make up for it, she turned to the hanyou and asked, "Do you want to dance, Inuyasha?"
It appeared that despite how red his face already was, it could go into deeper shades of crimson. "What?" he asked, bemused. "But I thought you just said it was…"
"Come on!" She pulled him to his feet, practically dragging him on the dance floor.
"Kagome, Kagome, wait!" he begged, making her turn and look back at him. Golden eyes looked away from her gaze. "I don't know how to do this."
Sighing, she helped him out. "Here." She took his hands and guided them to her waist, while she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Now just sway to the music."
At first, his movements were jerky and unsure, not ever having done this before, but as he watched the couples around him, it seemed that perhaps they should get a bit closer instead of being so far apart. It was Kagome who closed the gap, leaning her head on his chest and closing her eyes.
Warmth came over him again, but much different than the warmth of embarrassment he had felt all evening. His arms wrapped around her waist tighter, into more of a hug as they swayed to the beat together, while he rested his chin on top of her head. Maybe…this wasn't so bad.
"Inuyasha…" her voice whispered, making his ears under the bandana they had been secured under perk up. "I like this."
A small smile crept on his face. "I like this too."
"Do you think…" she gulped, knowing what she was asking. "Do you think we could be like this…all the time?"
That question caught him off guard. They pulled slightly away, his surprised eyes looking down into hers. "What do you mean, Kagome?"
It was a bad idea to get this close. His eyes were unable to look anywhere but her lips…which looked very full and kissable in this light. If he lowered his head down just an inch, he could perhaps capture them within his own…
Aw, Hell! Now he was thinking that again!
She could tell where his gaze was located, and it was impossible to miss the desire in his eyes. "If we were like this all the time…" her voice lowered an octave in meaning. "Then you could kiss me right now…"
Amber eyes opened wider in surprise. "Wh-what the Hell are you getting at, woman?"
The music had changed to a fast song, but neither of them noticed as they were unable to stop staring into each other's eyes. "I need to know, Inuyasha…You already kissed me, but I need to hear it from you…Do you want us to be together, Inuyasha?"
Kagome, of course I do! I love you, woman! There's nothing I would want more! Is what Inuyasha wanted to say, but as always, words failed him. He couldn't just go up and say it to her face, so he found the easiest way out. He bolted.
Jerking from where they had been, the hanyou dashed out the nearest exit of the club, with Kagome hot on his heels. The door let to a dark, secluded alleyway, the quiet and dark of the night a sharp contrast to the light and loudness of the building.
"Inuyasha?" she asked, loosing her patience with him as he couldn't give her a straight answer.
He turned back and faced her, his eyes wild as he threatened to lose it once more. "What do you want from me, Kagome?"
"I want you to tell me the truth!" she shouted back, her temper rising. "You haven't been straightforward with me for the longest time, giving me half answers and other riddles I don't want. Now tell me once and for all, Inuyasha, do you want us to be together or not?"
"The truth!" he snapped, stepping closer to accent his point, "I'll tell you the truth! It doesn't matter what I say anyway! Maybe I do want us to be together, maybe I've wanted that for a long time, but always knew that it was pointless to think such a thing!"
Her breath caught in her throat. So he did love her…or at least, wanted them to be together…but he was holding himself back. "And why would it be pointless?" Didn't he have any brains on him to see how she felt?
Growling, the hanyou suddenly pulled off the bandana on his head, exposing his ears to the cool night air. "Look at me, Kagome!" he roared. "I'm hanyou! I'm a monster! You're human. I'm inferior to you in every way! Do you think anyone would want a hanyou, as opposed to someone of their own kind? You're a pure miko. I'm a vile half-breed that's murdered countless lives! You live here, I don't. And above all else…" his eyes and ears lowered, "I'm beneath you."
Kagome was unable to speak at first, hearing him say this. So, he really believed she wouldn't want him because he was a hanyou? She knew that his thoughts were caused of years of others rejecting him, but it hurt because she had thought he thought better of her than that. She stepped closer to him, shaking her head. "Inuyasha, you have it wrong."
His amber eyes perked up. What did she mean?
Slowly reaching out, Kagome grasped a clawed hand in hers, surprising the hanyou at her action. "You may be a hanyou, but you aren't a monster. You aren't that different from me at all, Inuyasha." She slowly flattened her palm against his, looking up into his eyes. "Your hands…they aren't all that different from mine. They have five fingers, and are used to protect those things you love." With that, she laced her fingers with his, causing his eyebrows to heighten.
Reaching up with her other hand, she traced his cheek with a smile. "Your eyes are beautiful, Inuyasha, and through them, I can see into your pure, beautiful soul. A soul that I want to see happy again, Inuyasha."
Glancing up on top of his head, she grinned, "Your ears may be different, but they're the part of you I don't ever want to see change, they show the cute and soft side of you."
"Inuyasha, you may look like a youkai on the outside, but you are half-human as well. Your heart is human." In a bold move, Kagome placed a hand on his chest over his racing heart, feeling him flinch with the contact. "It is the same as mine." She caused him to blush as she moved his hand over her heart. With that move, the necklace he had given her on her sixteenth birthday was exposed. "It cares about many things, and has the capacity to love…" Her eyes flickered up to his, and with their held blush, hopefully made him understand.
"So don't think you are ever beneath me, Inuyasha. We are equals. In fact…sometimes, I wondered if I was good enough for you," she admitted with a weak smile. She released his hand."Please understand, Inuyasha. Maybe you want us to be together and…maybe I want that too."
His eyes got wider as she smiled back at him, making the hanyou suddenly want to grab her and kiss her, this wonderful woman whom seemed to make him love her more each day. Despite how much he wanted to tell her they could be together, there was still much to consider. "Kagome… I don't know," he turned away. "Right now, it's too much…I'm confused."
"Confused?" she asked, wondering what he meant.
"Yeah, with Naraku, and then this, and our friends I just…I need some time to think."
She nodded, knowing it wouldn't be easy for her hanyou. "I understand, Inuyasha."
Their gazes locked, and for once, without words, they had an understanding. He was right, of course, with Naraku, there was a danger in them getting together. Besides, after their conversation, of course he would want to think it over first. That's just the way he was…sometimes. But, in a warm-hearted gesture after they both (sort of) admitted their feelings, Inuyasha wrapped an arm around her as they walked back inside.
"Kagome?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you wear stuff like this all the time?"
She smacked the chuckling hanyou while giving a rather Inuyasha-like growl. "Pervert."
