Chapter 34
Snape pulled Lexie down the driveway and through the gate. Once they were clear of the anti-apparition barrier surrounding the Malfoy manor, he pulled her close. His arms were wrapped tightly around her back but she was as limp as a rag doll, her head lulled lifelessly backwards. Wondering how much time he had, he apparated, anxious to get back to the school.
He decided to forego the way back to the school via the Forbidden Forest in interest of saving potentially precious time. He made his way over to the gate and charmed it open. He checked around, warily to ensure that no one was watching their reentrance to the school grounds and slammed the gate back shut behind them. The chains slinked back up between the bars of the wrought iron gate and the lock closed itself with a decisive click.
He began making his way, not without some difficulty, over the corner of the grounds had to cross to reach the entrance of the castle nearest his classroom, office and personal quarters. The weather at Hogwarts had been significantly different than at the Malfoy's. Sleet drizzled from the sky, making the already snow-covered grounds slippery with a fresh, thick, layer of ice which Snape's heavy black boots only cracked through once every five steps or so. However, his footing only failed him once, consequently, Lexie slipped from his grasp. He reached down and instead of hauling her back to her useless feet, resigned his efforts of dragging her. He scooped her up into his arms, one arm behind her back, the other under her knees and carried her for the remainder of the way.
Despite his reputation during his own years at Hogwarts, where he was known as being scrawny and something of a runt (amongst other choice names), he had some strength in him. His frame was tall, his shoulders broad, his muscles wiry. He made short work of the rest of the journey.
Some minutes later, Snape placed his student gently on the sofa in his office and went to the store cupboard, looking for the most logical selection from his elaborate collection of antidotes to treat an overdose of Veritaserum. He battled with himself for a few seconds, between his two top options. He certainly didn't enjoy making split-second life-or-death decisions, but he had always been good at thinking on his feet. In the end he chose one which he had brewed himself rather than the store-bought one. He'd never had much faith in Potions made by anyone other than himself.
He strode back over to Lexie and forced it down her throat. Then he waited. The seconds were unnaturally, excruciatingly long. After a few minutes, she stirred. Slowly, she regained consciousness and the color returned to her face. Inwardly, and without explanation to himself, Snape breathed a sigh of relief.
Her dark eyes fluttered open and she looked around, disoriented.
"What happened?" she asked stupidly.
Snape leaned back on his desk and folded his arms over his chest. "I was rather hoping that you would tell me." He said coldly. Now that he knew that she was alright, the concern turned promptly to anger. Burning fury, unspeakable irritation.
Lexie forced her brain to begin to work.
"We were just having a drink… he was telling me about that dagger… and then…" Lexie squinted her eyes shut, trying to remember. She opened her eyes. "He drugged me. He gave me truth serum."
"Yes. He did. And can you explain to me how it is that you managed not to recognize what was happening?"
"I don't know… I didn't think – "
"Once again, we're back to YOU NOT THINKING!" he shouted suddenly, eliciting a small jump from Lexie, who was still trying to get her bearings.
They stared at each other.
"I don't understand – we're all supposed to be on the same side…why would he-"
"Who am I to fathom how Malfoy's twisted mind works?" he sighed. "The issue is not why, it is how. You are TOO INTELLIGENT to allow this sort of thing to happen Alexandra!" he said, exasperated.
Silence.
"What I need to know from you now… is what kind of questions he asked you while you were under the influence of the Veritaserum." Snape said, regaining his composure. He moved back around his desk and retook his seat. He slouched ever so slightly in his seat, perhaps an attempt at calmness; though his knuckles turning white whilst gripping the armrests of his chair rather gave away his remaining agitation.
Lexie's stomach turned over uncomfortably. She shifted in her seat and looked around the room for something to look at other than Snape.
"How did it begin?" he cued her, waving his hand in a forward circular motion.
Lexie frowned. She told him about how he had questioned her about the dagger and her intentions regarding it.
"Were you going to steal the Dragon's Blade?" Snape asked incredulously when she'd finished.
"I don't think that's any of your business." Lexie said hotly.
"Au contraire." He disagreed, in French.
"Bastard", she thought.
He raised an eyebrow, and it almost looked like a warning. Had he heard that?
"If you have some sort of problem with thievery, then that is probably something that we should discuss." He continued, his voice waspishly soft.
"I didn't steal anything and I don't have a problem! I've got a headache… can we finish the rest of this conversation in English please?" she spat.
He bowed his head in mock submission. "As you wish." He said, knowing he had gotten to her.
He paused a moment, the silence was unsettling.
"Continue… please…" he said politely.
"Anyway…" she said uncertainly. "It struck me as odd, once he'd asked me about the dagger… all he wanted to talk about was…" she faltered.
"Yes?" his silky voice laced with interest.
"Well…" she was stalling for time. Could she really repeat the questions that Malfoy had asked her? Her mind strayed back, trying to remember the exact line of questioning he'd used. She changed directions, leaving the more uncomfortable portions of the conversation for later.
"I just found it so strange, he spent the rest of the time asking me questions about himself. If I found him attractive. If I'd consider becoming his mistress." She'd been looking at her shoes, but stole a glance at Snape when she'd finished her sentence.
He made no move, other than to incline his left eyebrow a quarter of an inch.
"And what did you tell him?" Snape asked, though there were no signs of anything beyond professional interest in his voice.
"What? Are you kidding me?" Lexie blurted out.
"No. I am certainly not kidding, Miss Bane." He replied.
"Oh yeah, that's right… Snape doesn't 'kid'…" Lexie thought to herself in annoyance.
"How could you possibly think that I'd agree to something like that?"
"Call it a hunch." He said vaguely. "What was your response when he asked if you would consider becoming his mistress?"
"I… didn't exactly answer it." She said, biting her lip. "My response was, 'I would remind you that you are married.'"
"And how did he react?" he said promptly. It was as though she was being interrogated by a Muggle police officer. All that was missing was the two-way mirror and the bright light shining in her eyes.
"He said that married people have sex too… even if it's not with each other."
Snape sniffed, but Lexie wasn't sure if it was in amusement or disapproval.
"Malfoy has never been a big believer in monogamy. He has several mistresses. All Death Eaters do." He said significantly.
Lexie committed that last bit of information to memory.
"But sir, why would he waste a good batch of truth serum on asking me questions about whether or not I wanted to sleep with him? Wouldn't it have been more useful and practical to ask me questions about my history, my true reasons for wanting to become a Death Eater… questions that actually had some weight behind them? Relevant questions that I might have lied when answering?"
Snape nodded, knowingly. "That's the interesting thing about individuals who are so power mad, conceited and over-confident, Miss Bane." He said wisely.
"You'll find… that they are just as insecure as the rest of us. When they have an opportunity to do something important… they often spend so much time gloating about what they are about to do… looking for some sort of confirmation of the position of power that they are in, that they miss the point of what they're trying to accomplish, or the opportunity to accomplish it at all."
"I'm not sure I understand." Lexie said, honestly.
"Take Malfoy, this evening, for instance. He had the perfect opportunity to find out the answers to all of the important questions that you needed to be asked. Instead, he missed his objective all together in exchange for a miniscule bit of reassurance about himself. It's always about him."
"Like the bad guys in movies who spend an hour pointing a gun at a good guy and talking about how they're going to kill them and be worshipped for it… but in the end, they fail to notice the other good guy sneaking in behind them and foiling their plan." Lexie connected the dots.
Snape nodded. "What else did he ask you?" he pressed onward with his line of questioning.
"He… uh… he also… wanted to know what kind of a relationship I had with you." she watched him intently. He didn't flinch. So she continued.
"Then he asked… if I was… attracted to you and if I wished to sleep with you." she blurted out that last bit as fast as she could. Somehow, it made it seem as though it was less important if she didn't spent a lot of time saying it.
"And…" he cut her off. "What did you tell him?" He didn't sound the slightest bit happy about that particular topic being brought up.
"Do you honestly not know?" she said, frustrated that he'd even need to ask such a question after all this time.
He made no reply. She sighed. This conversation had gone round and round and she was beginning to feel dizzy.
"I'd think it was rather obvious how I felt about you by now…" she paused. "But… perhaps I haven't been clear?" she posed it as a question, hoping that perhaps he'd respond. Her heart was racing… her brow was beginning to glisten with sweat. She had no idea how fine a line she was walking. He was so hot-cold when it came to their non-working relationship.
"I told him yes… to all of the above." She finally answered his question.
He looked away.
She pushed herself forward and made to get up.
"Don't." Snape ordered.
But she disobeyed and went to him on wobbly legs.
He was about to reach out to steady her, but didn't.
She stood in front of him, bravely. "Professor…" she said softly. She reached out to touch his face, to feel the physical contact with him that she'd been longing for.
He jerked his head away tetchily and pushed her hand back toward her.
"Don't do this." He warned her and his eyes flashed her a warning.
"Do what?"
"Don't make this something it's not." He ordered.
"And what is it 'not'?" she asked immediately, emphasizing the last word.
"It is not a relationship."
"Then what is it?" she asked, standoffishly, shrugging her shoulders.
"It is a dictatorship. I give orders, you carry them out. End of story."
"Really? That's the end of the story? After everything-"
"Don't be melodramatic." He cut her off. "That is the end of the story… and it's the end of your evening as well. You made a colossal mistake this evening Miss Bane."
"A colossal mistake!" she shouted. "Exactly what kind of a mistake is it that you think I made? I thought I played my cards rather well!"
"You let him believe that there is more to our relationship than what there is. Which creates a problem, because he now thinks he has leverage. He will use your feelings to manipulate you into doing things for him… Now… perhaps it's time for me to be clear about something." He said seriously after a moments pause.
Lexie gulped. This wasn't going to be good.
"Our relationship is student-teacher. That is all."
"Funny." Lexie sneered. "I think the last time you said that to me, you'd just finished sticking your tongue down my throat."
Snape slammed his hands down on his desk, creating an echoing slam, that rang within the stone walls of his office.
Lexie jumped.
"Out!" he shouted, his voice cracking a little bit.
It seemed as though most of their meetings ended with him screaming at her to get out of his office. Why was that?
"You are out of line Miss Bane. Now, out!"
Lexie left, wisely perhaps. She didn't think she was mentally prepared for the situation to escalate any further than it already had, as things so often did between them.
She wanted to yell back at him. She wanted to remind him that he was the one who made that move on her. That it could've ended with an innocent kiss… but that he had taken it to the next level. But she didn't.
Snape watched her go. She crossed the room in a zigzag pattern… kind of like someone trying to escape a charging crocodile. She didn't slam the door… he had expected her to.
Once she was gone he sighed heavily and rubbed his hand over his face roughly, raking his fingers into his shiny black hair. His fingers then wound themselves around the wiry strands and pulled, harder than necessary, in frustration.
"Bloody hell." He said aloud. In retrospect… she hadn't been entirely out of line… he had. He lied to her. He looked her in the eye and lied. The fact of the matter was that there was much more to their relationship than a student-teacher scenario. She had reached him in a way that no one else had… but he could never admit that, not even to himself.
The whole thing was becoming too much. He'd been growing attached to her and he hated himself for it. He had enough complications in his life without adding another teenager wanting a relationship with him to the mix. He felt his anger increasing. He'd done this. He'd made it what it was by giving in to her. By holding her, by touching her, by kissing her, by letting her in… by letting her get too close. In the beginning it had been lighthearted fun for him. He would bait her, just to see if she'd bite. And she did. He baited her to see if he could have her. And now he had his answer.
He'd promised himself a long time ago that he would never be dependant on anyone else… other than himself. And especially a woman. Especially a 17 year old student / Death Eater trainee. He had known that he would have to put a stop to this eventually… before it went any further between them than it already had… and tonight seemed like the perfect opportunity.
He'd used her mistake to create an argument and the argument to put a stop to the games that they'd been playing. And by doing so… he'd gotten what he'd wanted. Hadn't he? If this was what he wanted… then why did he suddenly feel empty inside in her absence?
His life had been frustrating, nay borderline intolerable with her in it. She drove him crazy. She made him want to rip his hair out. She gave him migraines. But if life was so terrible when she was in it… what had it been before? Had things been going well for him? Certainly not… And what would happen now? Now that he had made perfectly clear that he didn't want to see any more of her than necessary. Would his life improve? Only time would tell.
…
Weeks passed with only the occasional Snape "sighting", as Lexie liked to refer to them as to herself. "Snape Sightings" usually occurred during a Potions lesson or during an awkward passing in one of the corridors which involved an uncomfortable silence or an obvious evasion of one another's eyes.
It was silly… they were both adults. There was no need for them to avoid the issue which was so obviously the elephant in the middle of the living room between them. Initially she thought avoidance would make the situation easier on her. But as time passed, she began to second guess herself. The strain that came from pretending that she didn't mind not being near him, hearing his voice or feeling his hands on her was beginning to wear on her. Yet, somehow he exhibited none of these same signs. He seemed to go about his business as usual, as though there had never been anything between them at all.
This irritated Lexie on several levels, but foremost because it severely hampered her mission, which, in Snape's absence, she'd had a lot of time to think about.
Following the night at the Malfoy's, it was now quite clear to her why she'd been having trouble focusing. It was now undeniable. She had some deep-seated feelings for Snape. And she hadn't the slightest idea why… it wasn't as though he was terribly kind, generous, attractive, rich… in fact, he was nothing that she'd ever even considered wanting in a man. But the fact remained, her feelings were becoming more and more difficult to ignore due to the fact that Snape was going out of his way to ignore her at all costs.
The weeks turned into a month in which he didn't ask her to stay after class. And even more amazingly still, was that, despite her best efforts which included a sassy attitude when he came in close proximity with her during class and below average performance in class, she'd still somehow managed to avoid receiving any detentions.
As she was returning from the greenhouses during a rather soggy Herbology lesson with the Gryffindors, she hurried and caught up with her good friend Carrie, who was, suspiciously not with her new boyfriend, Oliver Wood. Carrie was one of the only ones who knew that Lexie was now living in her own dorm room, rather than with some other "nameless" classmates.
They strolled down the hall, discussing the Hogsmead weekend coming up at the end of the month. They were just throwing around the idea of attending Hogsmead to pick up some supplies when Snape turned the corner, just ahead of them.
"Ugh… don't look now." Carrie muttered under her breath. "It's the essence of happiness." She said sarcastically.
Snape's scowl deepened as he saw the two girls whispering as he drew nearer. He slowed down, his robes fluttering in his wake.
"Seeeeee yaaaaa…." Carrie murmured, quickly darting into a lavatory to her right and away from Snape.
Lexie stopped, flabbergasted, "Carrie!" she said, indignantly, her jaw hanging open.
Snape slowed to a halt and looked at Lexie, who had nowhere else to look except right back at him. Her stomach was flip-flopping unpleasantly and her heart was pounding in her chest so hard, she was amazed that he couldn't hear the thundering.
His eyes narrowed on her for a moment. His jaw was set… perhaps he was grinding his teeth. For a moment, she thought he might speak… but before she could even begin to think of something to say, in a flourish of robes, he was gone again. Just that fast.
He left her staring after him, drop-jawed. Lexie huffed a sigh of frustration and headed off to her dormitory, making a mental note to give Carrie a piece of her mind the next time they saw each other.
Later that evening, she was lying across her bed on her stomach, in the room that Snape had arranged for her, tapping her quill on her Potions book and not working on her Potions essay. She was thinking about him and whether or not he'd ever bother speaking to her again. What would happen if he decided to ignore her for the rest of the year? Not only would it ruin her mission and any shimmer of hope of retaining her job, but as she was beginning to realize… she would miss him.
Lexie closed her ink well, slammed her book shut and threw her quill across the room. She was too distracted to work and decided a shower would serve her best. She pulled the pins out of her hair and let it drape down unceremoniously as she entered her bathroom.
When she felt that she'd sufficiently washed the memories of the day away, she stepped out onto her white terrycloth bathmat and reached for a towel. She patted her face dry and wrapped her hair up into a turban. She grabbed another towel to wrap around her then leaned over the counter and wiped off the mirror so that her reflection was visible. She frowned and leaned in closer. From where she was standing it looked as though she had –
"Bags under my eyes!" she gasped, examining the heavy dark circles that had appeared under her chocolate colored eyes. "A person could pack groceries in those! I can't be old enough to start worrying about this sort of problem yet!" she said to her scandalized reflection.
She stood back, put her hands on her hips and sighed. "Well… I suppose I haven't been sleeping very well lately…" she said, biting her bottom lip. "And I have been under a lot of stress." She said, trying to justify them to herself. "And… its entirely Snape's fault." She rationalized.
Look at what he'd done to her! He'd given her bags under her eyes!
"What's next? Gray hair!" she thought irritably.
She came to the conclusion that a good night's sleep might be just the ticket. It was a Thursday evening and the weekend was within her grasp. If she got enough rest tonight to get her through the next day, she could devote the weekend to some much needed R and R.
She pulled the towel off of her head, retrieved a hairbrush from the counter and left the bathroom, brushing out her long, wet hair. She shivered upon entering her bedroom. It was cold and damp, in noticeable contrast to the steamy hot bathroom. She tossed her hairbrush on the end of her bed and went to her closet to find some pajamas. She frowned at herself in the full-length mirror, trying not to notice those evil dark circles, which seemed to be becoming more pronounced by the second. She swung the door open and pulled a tank top and a pair of shorts off of a shelf and stepped backward to shut the door.
But she changed her mind.
"I have to see him." She thought suddenly. She couldn't stand the thought of one more sleepless night, tossing and turning… being haunted by the rift that had grown between them. She had no idea what she was going to say or do once she was standing in front of him… she only knew that she had to go. Things simply couldn't go on in this manner any longer.
It was just before curfew, so she dressed at top speed. A pair of light-colored Muggle jeans with holes in them and an off the shoulder black sweater. She dashed out the door and through the corridors, making her way over the familiar path, somewhat stealthily toward Snape's dungeon office.
She'd nearly reached his door when she felt a strange sensation in her pocket, against her right thigh. She absentmindedly jammed her hand down inside the pocket and retrieved an odd coin. The ministry coin. It was glowing red and hot to the touch. Snape was leaving the castle.
a/n - hi there! sincere apologies for my long "hiatus"! i've been struggling w/ a severe case of writers block. yeah - we all know what that's like! i bet i've sat down w/ this chapter 30 times this summer... & not gotten ANYWHERE. finally i had to call in some backup. my lovely cousin - writer-in-disguise - had to straighten me out & even did a little editing. i won't be surprise to get a few less than "outstanding" reviews on this chapter... i feel like it's a little choppy... i'm open to taking suggestions! but... please no flames! wait til you get to the next chapter... it'll be better! we're winding down here kids... nearing the finish line!
ON ANOTHER NOTE... PLEASE REVIEW! I DIDN'T GET ANY REVIEWS ALL SUMMER ON OLD CHAPTER... SOOOO... TO ALL YOU LURKERS OUT THERE... PLEASE DO ME THE HONOR OF LEAVING JUST A SHORT REVIEW... IT KEEPS ME MOTIVATED! ... see what happens when i don't get any encouragement? we go 3 months w/o an update! so please review! did i mention i'd like it if everyone reviewed?
