Chapter 37
Later that evening, Lexie got to thinking about trust. What exactly is it that makes us trust someone? Is it something they say? Something they do? Is it something concrete… or is it intangible? Is it something that can be given freely? Or must it be earned? Do you need to give someone a reason to trust you? Or a reason not to?
Snape's word had been good enough (despite his skepticism) for her… but would it be good enough for Sophie? Lexie knew that Sophie had a definite bias when it came to Snape. It was obvious from the get-go that she had wanted him to fry for being a Death Eater. Lexie had initially thought that this mission would be rather short-lived. The surprise came when Snape agreed to train her as a Death Eater and Sophie had let her continue on this mission… why was that?
In recent meetings with her boss, Lexie had found her to be somewhat more interested in the number of Death Eaters expected to be at her initiation and similar information rather than Snape himself. Perhaps the scope of her mission was changing. Perhaps… they were using her to lure in as many Death Eaters as possible and … perhaps now, rather than a spy, she was something more along the line of… bait… and that was the problem that Lexie always found with fishing… the bait always dies!
She confronted Sophie the next day via the fireplace in her room, her suspicions were then confirmed.
"Lexie… it's not that finding out Snape's true loyalties aren't our top priority anymore…" Sophie's head said while flames snaked up around it gently. "But we've found ourselves in an interesting and possibly prosperous situation here!" She laughed a little.
Lexie frowned as she knelt in front of the fireplace.
"By allowing Snape to continue to lead you down this path… in the end, we'll have the opportunity to capture several high-profile Death Eaters at your initiation! If we put Snape away now… we'd lose the opportunity to catch all of his best mates. Besides… I thought you wanted more time to get a handle on Snape?"
Lexie bit her lip and drew in a deep breath. Her stomach was doing that uncomfortable flip-flopping thing. "Sophie… I think I have a pretty good handle on Snape's loyalties…" she began hesitantly.
"Well? Let's hear it then." Sophie said, sounding impressed and anxious.
"I think he's good." Lexie said, for what felt like the millionth time.
"Why?" she said stubbornly.
Had they had this conversation before?
"Well… I ran into him yesterday... And… he said he wanted me to think very carefully about whether or not I wanted to go through with my initiation. So I said that I thought perhaps he was trying to talk me out of going through with it. And he said that maybe he was." Lexie said, trying to make the end come to a crescendo and thereby convince Sophie of his goodness.
Sophie's eyebrows knitted together. "Hm…" she said, leaving Lexie practically toppling into the fire out of anxiousness for what would follow that lengthy "Hm…"
"That's interesting… quite in contrast to the other evidence against him that you've given me thus far." Sophie said, chewing the side of her mouth pensively.
Lexie's eyes lit up. That wasn't a bad reaction! Not too shabby at all!
"Well… I guess we'll just have to see if he lets you go through with the initiation on Saturday and we'll know for sure then, won't we?" Sophie said cheerfully.
"Wait… wait wait…" Lexie said, flabbergasted. "You're telling me… that you actually intend for me to go through with this initiation then?"
"No! No, of course not!" Sophie said, waving her fiery hands around. "We'll follow you of course… and remain undetected. We'll stake out the place while everyone arrives… and then a raid will, of course, ensue. We'll capture as many of them as possible before they mark you." Sophie said, making it sound more like a trip to the supermarket rather than an initiation to the most notorious group of Dark witches and wizards known to their kind.
Lexie shook her head. "But… what if something goes wrong? What if you don't get there in time? What if you're held up? That'd mean that I'd actually have to perform some of these tasks… and if I refuse… I'll be dead… you realize that!" she blurted out.
"We won't be delayed. We'll be there. Don't worry about it… you can trust us. And should something go terribly wrong… just… stall!"
"Stall! STALL! That's your advice for me if I'm given the choice of killing someone or being killed myself?" Lexie felt her face go red and her pulse pick up. Irritation was rising inside of her like boiling water.
"You're good at thinking on your feet… you'll be fine!" Sophie said, waving a fiery hand around nonchalantly. "Don't worry… it'll be safe. And if you're right about Snape… he won't let anything happen to you, right?" Sophie said pointedly.
Lexie swallowed. "Right." She admitted.
"Good then!" Sophie said, sounding satisfied and even a little excited. "I'll make sure everything is set up and I'll be in touch again before Saturday. In the meantime… try to relax! And keep an eye on Snape." She said seriously. And with a pop she was gone.
Lexie breathed out heavily and sat back on her heals. She ran her hands through her hair and then brought them to rest on her thighs. She was biting her lip again. She couldn't shake the feeling that Saturday night was going to be anything but safe. She figured the only thing she could to ensure what safety she could was to be as prepared as possible.
…
Over the course of the next week, Lexie figured she never got more than 2 hours of sleep per night. She spent each night brushing up on charms, spells, jinxes and the like, incase she found herself in a pinch; which wasn't at all unlikely. Sophie refused to fill her in on the finer details of the Aurors plans for Saturday. She only insisted that everything was in order and that Lexie need not worry herself about what they'd be doing. Only to concentrate on what she needed to do.
Oddly enough, the only other person within Hogwarts walls that looked as ragged as Lexie knew that she did… was Natasha. Each morning, she showed up to breakfast looking more and more disheveled. The circles under her eyes were comparable to Lexie's. Her cheeks were more sunken than usual and her face was, by mid-week, a noticeable shade of gray.
"Wonder what her excuse is?..." Lexie thought to herself staring at Natasha one morning over her cereal.
Just then, Natasha caught her staring. But Lexie was too tired to look away. So she simply stared back. A smug look, that Lexie hadn't seen in over a month, passed over her former roommates pallid face. She raised her dark eyebrows up to her high hair line before turning back to Dru.
Now Lexie was really confused. What did Natasha have to be looking so smart about? Lexie had been spending almost every waking second with Snape, outside of his class. It wasn't possible for Natasha to think she had the upper hand when it came to him. So what was she on about?
But there wasn't time to ponder on it any longer. It was time for class… again.
Wednesday… that meant ending the day with a double dose of Snape in the afternoon. Yummy…
Lexie's attempts to put Natasha's abnormal behavior out of her head were hard pressed during that afternoon's Potions lesson.
Snape was standing over her desk in a foul, foul mood… even for Snape. "Miss Zaizen, this is the third occasion over the course of the last two weeks, on which you have failed to complete your homework assignment. Need I bother asking what the excuse is this time?" he asked, leaning onto her table on his knuckles.
Natasha slumped in her seat looking apathetic. She shrugged her shoulders and in a cold, drawling voice replied, "You could… but it won't get you anywhere."
Lexie was sure that her jaw hit her table. "What's gotten into her!" she wondered, completely blown away.
Snape leaned closer. Lexie could see a vein in his temple throbbing violently, like a ticking time bomb.
"I would advise you…" he said, slowing his voice and dropping to his dangerous whisper, which he reserved for particularly frightening moments. "To mind your manners while in my classroom. Just because you are graduating in a matter of weeks, does not give you the license to be disrespectful." He said, his eyes flashing her a warning.
Personally, Lexie thought that Snape was being terribly lenient with Natasha. If it had been Lexie who'd shot her mouth off like that, she had reason to believe that Snape might have cursed her through the dungeon wall. The thought of the consequences for such attitude towards Hogwarts resident Grinch made Lexie shudder and feel as though she wanted to melt out of her seat onto the floor and hide under her table as nothing more than a puddle.
"So give me detention then or bugger off. I've got better things to do than homework." Natasha said in a bored voice, which elicited a collective gasp from the rest of the class.
Snape rose up to full height. It was something like the calm before the storm. When it's deathly silent. No birds chirp… no wind blows… no sound at all. But you're anything but unaware of what's about to happen. It's only a matter of moments before all hell breaks loose.
All eyes were darting between Snape and Natasha, who still, miraculously, looked positively indifferent about the whole thing. It was then that Lexie caught sight of Dru, who looked as though she might wet herself right there. All color had drained from her face and she was positively shaking like a leaf… from head to toe.
Snape's nostrils flared and with a sudden snap of his arm, he pointed to the doorway, making the entire class flinch. "Get out of my classroom."
Natasha blinked. "What?"
"You heard me!" Snape said, raising his voice. "Gather your things… and get out!"
"Where do you want me to go?" she said audaciously.
"I do not care where you go. Gather your things. And get out of my classroom. I won't ask again." Snape said, his voice trying to master his unfathomable temper.
Lexie swore that she saw red flash in his black eyes. Natasha was certainly braver than she was.
Natasha shrugged and slid her books into her bag, slung it over her shoulder and stood up. Her black, greasy looking hair whipped around as she turned on her heel and left the dungeon, being sure to knock her bag into Lexie's unsuspecting shoulder as she went. She slammed the door behind her and was gone.
Lexie felt the hairs on the back of her neck standing up. Though Snape had blatantly asked her to not read his emotions… it was impossible not to. The fury that was coursing through him at the present time was so thick in the air, you could've cut it with a knife. Not only had Natasha failed to do her homework, again, but she'd mouthed off to him in front of an entire classroom full of students.
"What are you all staring at?" he snapped, when he finally realized that every set of eyes in the room was timidly watching him. "Get to work!"
He swished back to his desk and began idly shuffling papers. Lexie could tell that he was only keeping up appearances. He wasn't actually working there behind his desk. He was staring at an essay… but he wasn't reading it. His eyes weren't moving.
Suddenly, and without warning, he looked up and directly at her.
Shit.
He raised an eyebrow.
Lexie pressed her lips together in what was supposed to be a sympathetic smile… though, she wasn't sure she managed it. She felt as thought it had turned out to be more of a grimace than anything else.
In any case, she lowered her eyes and tried to concentrate on what they were supposed to be reading. But her mind wouldn't stay focused. Something was nagging her about Natasha's behavior. She'd known Natasha to be something of a smartass when it came to other teachers. She'd given Professor Lupin a particularly difficult time; criticizing him about the state of his robes, his facial hair, his lack of expertise in his field… amongst other things that popped up on a daily basis in Defense Against the Dark Arts.
But never, never had she acted this way toward Snape. What made her suddenly think that she could get away with this sort of behavior? And why would she want to? After her first week at Hogwarts, Lexie would've been prepared to make bets that Natasha was undisputed President of the Professor Snape fan club. Not to mention the fact that she not only worshipped him but wanted to become sexually, if not romantically involved with him. If this was her idea of how to hook Snape… Lexie, privately thought, that she was going about it all wrong. Outright disobedience, lack of respect and fear for him were three things Lexie would've put on a "List of Things Not to Do Around Snape".
And what was all that business about, "Having better things to do than Snape's homework,"? For a student weeks away from graduation, what could be more important than, well… graduating?
Lexie succeeded in accomplishing an extraordinary amount of nothing during the rest of the class, which drug on for what seemed like an eternity with Snape seething behind his desk and not speaking, or for that matter, teaching.
When the bell finally rang, Snape finally spoke.
"Miss Sena," he said, referring to Dru, who looked smaller and more meager than ever. "Please stay after." He said flatly.
Lexie spent as much time as possible organizing her books, shuffling papers around and returning her quills to her bag, in hopes of catching part of their conversation. Most of the students queued up at the door in a sort of stampede to escape from Snape and his increasingly bad mood.
Snape curled his finger at Dru, beckoning her to his desk. Lexie bent down to tie her shoe, which, wasn't untied… until she untied it, that is. She fiddled around with it for a few moments, straining to hear what was being said. But it didn't sound as though either of them was speaking at all. She finally risked a peek over the edge of the desk, only to find Snape resting his chin on his knuckles and staring pointedly at her, holding his other pointer finger up at Dru, instructing her not to speak.
Lexie gulped and stood up timidly.
"Is there something I can do for you Miss Bane?" he asked smoothly, his black eyes boring into hers, making her stomach clench uncomfortably. He lowered his index finger.
She raised an eyebrow. She could think of a couple things… offhand. Snape pressed his lips together. She would've sworn the corner of his mouth twitched. Had he heard that! Bugger.
"No sir…" she said innocently.
"Then I suggest you be on your way." He told her, though, it was not a request.
She nodded and made to gather up her things. But something stopped her. Dru was standing bashfully in front of Snape's desk. She was so afraid of him. And, despite her better judgment, Lexie's heart went out to her.
"Professor… I don't think Dru knows anything about why Natasha is acting this way…" she said on a whim.
"I do not believe that I asked you Miss Bane." He said, though his voice remained even. He wasn't angry with her. "And what I have to say will be between myself and Miss Sena. Now… if you please." He turned his hand over, palm up and gestured to the open dungeon door.
Lexie sighed. She gave Dru a small smile and shrugged. She picked up her bag and walked over to the door, but stopped in the threshold. She felt as though she should do something more… but when she leaned back into the classroom, Snape was ready for her.
"Good afternoon Miss Bane!" he said he said, waving his fingers at the door.
Lexie scowled at him. Though, she wasn't angry either… per say. She resigned her efforts and stepped out into the hallway. The door slammed shut behind her with a crack!
Still, after having been asked to leave… three times… she still wanted to hear what they were talking about. She'd be bitten by the curiosity bug… and an American phrase… something about curiosity killing a cat?... came to mind. Yet, she disregarded it. She tiptoed up to the heavy oak door and pressed her ear against it. But just then a distinct click was audible and without warning she was flying through the air. She slammed against the opposite side of the corridor and crashed to the floor.
She gasped for air, having the wind knocked out of her for what seemed like the millionth time this year. She was just rubbing the back of her head when it occurred to her what had happened. Snape's wards. He must have had them set to repel intruders when they were in effect… Bastard.
Just then the door opened. And Snape was standing there, looking mildly amused. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorframe. "You know, Miss Bane… if I didn't know better… I would say you are trying to earn yourself an evening in detention." He said slyly.
Had Lexie not just been assaulted by his wards, she might've felt brave enough to say something like, 'Maybe I am.' But she bit her tongue… wisely perhaps.
She just sat there, looking stupidly up at him from across the hall.
"Go away." He said evenly and still looking as though he might let out a laugh at having gotten the upper hand.
"Fine." Lexie said, standing up and narrowing her eyes at him, in if possible, a good-natured way. "Have it your way." And she stalked off.
Once she'd turned the corner, Snape shook his head, black hair swinging gracefully in front of his porcelain face before returning to his classroom, closing the door and resetting the wards.
…
Lexie never found out what Snape had gotten out of Dru that day in his classroom. But she really didn't have any more time to worry about it. For somehow, Thursday had disappeared and so had most of Friday. She was facing her initiation in a less than a day… and she felt less prepared than ever, despite Snape's assurances that she was indeed well prepared.
As instructed, Lexie appeared at Snape's office door at 8 p.m. on Friday evening. She had no idea what he had planned for them that evening. At her knock, his voice echoed from within, inviting her inside.
Lexie, now quite at ease in this office scenario let herself in, shut the door and crossed the room to find him, as usual, at his desk. He put down the piece of parchment he was looking at and relaxed in his seat at the sight of her. A candle, perched on the corner of his desk flickered and guttered… but didn't go out.
"So… what's it gonna be tonight?" Lexie asked as she slipped around the last of the tables separating her from Snape's desk.
Snape watched her with some interest. "Do you have any questions… comments… concerns?" he asked, lacing his hands together and resting them on his stomach casually.
Lexie loved it when he got cozy… it was such a rarity to see him out of character like this. She wondered how many people got to see this side of him.
"Concerns… yes. But there's nothing you can do to make them go away." She said, absentmindedly taking a seat across from him.
"Nothing?" he asked. She looked at him. She couldn't tell if that was an invitation or just an offhand comment.
"I doubt it." She said honestly. Thinking that there wasn't much that anyone could do to make the butterflies which had permanently settled in her stomach go away.
"Pity." Snape said, but Lexie still couldn't get a read on him. Was he being… playful? She wondered.
There was a heavy silence, which Lexie finally broke.
"Can you just… go over… the tasks for me… one last time." She said, feeling her mouth suddenly go dry at the thought of them.
"Certainly." Snape agreed. "Tomorrow evening,"
Tomorrow evening… it was practically on top of them…
"You will be asked to complete three tasks before you are marked with the Dark Lord's insigne. The first will be to use the Cruciatus curse on a victim of their choice."
There was that 'their'… not 'our' word again…
"To torture them until they are at your mercy." Snape said darkly. "You then will be asked to make them perform via the Imperius curse whatever the other Death Eaters ask you to make the victim do."
The 'other' Death Eaters…
"And finally… you will take their life… by means of the killing curse. Upon successfully completing these three tasks… one of the Death Eaters, presumably Malfoy, will mark you with the Dark Mark… and you will become a Death Eater."
Lexie only nodded. The whole idea of this, becoming a Death Eater… it was just frightening, even though she knew she wasn't supposed to have to go through with it.
"May I ask you something now…" Snape asked, looking curiously at her.
Lexie was rather surprised. "Sure… anything." She agreed.
"If I should happen to change my mind… about allowing you to go through with your initiation tomorrow evening… are you still planning on having me carted off to Azkaban? Or was that an empty threat all along?" he asked.
Lexie blinked… she'd forgotten all about the blackmail…
"I am going through with it. I have my reasons… you'll just have to trust me on that. And… I hope it doesn't come down to me having to have you sent to Azkaban… I've grown rather attached to you, as you well know." She said, smirking. There was something tantalizing about making Snape wonder…
He looked borderline irritated. "Very well."
They were content to sit in silence for some time.
"How do you do it?" Lexie finally asked.
"Do what?" Snape asked back.
"All of this." She waved her hands around at the room, "You come here… everyday and teach lessons… good lessons. And still manage to keep Dumbledore convinced that you're on his side… all the while, leading a completely separate life… as a Death Eater?"
Snape sighed. "What exactly is the question?" he said carefully.
"How do you keep it all together? How do you remember who you're supposed to be from moment to moment?"
"Once you've been doing this for as long as I have… your surroundings remind you of where you are and who you are supposed to be. Once you put on that white mask… you become a Death Eater… and when you take it off… you return to your other self. The self that that you have created for the world to see. All Death Eaters live double lives… but only I lead the life of a spy, constantly pretending that I am on both sides. But ultimately… I know which side I am on. So in essence… I am only acting when I am around the other side." He said wisely.
"And… which side is that?" Lexie asked cautiously, finally asking the unasked question. The question that had been burning in her mind for the last several months. The question that she'd been sent here to find the answer to. The question that she could never ask until that night. A question that few, or perhaps no one would ever dare ask. A question that he wouldn't answer for just anyone. Would he answer it for her? After all the work she'd done to get close enough to ask it… would he answer? And moreover, would it be the truth?
Snape raised an eyebrow and looked puzzled. Lexie's heart was beating out of control in her chest. She tried to put on a calm, relaxed look.
"I should think that was quite obvious by now." He said smoothly.
"I want to hear it… from your mouth." She said, standing up and moving behind his desk. She sat down on the edge of the desk and looked deep into his eyes, begging him with her own eyes to tell the truth.
He stood up and kicked his chair backwards. He leaned down, resting one fist on the desk on either side of her legs. "Are you… quite sure… that there is nothing I can do to take some of your concerns away tonight?"
Bloody hell… he was close. He had leaned his face in, inches from hers. She could feel his breath on her skin.
"Answer the question, Professor…" she said and her voice quaked.
"Hm…" something that sounded almost like a laugh, "You first…" he said leaning in further, placing a strategic kiss just below her jaw.
A chill ran all the way through Lexie. He moved his kisses all the way down her neckline, stopping where her neck met her shoulder. He took his hand and cupped her face. And suddenly, his lips were on hers again… finally … they were tangled in a fierce kiss. And all thought ceased. She reached her hands up and wound them in his wiry black hair, pulling him closer. She didn't even realize that he was practically lying on top of her on the desk.
With a clatter, the candlestick fell to the floor. Snape stopped his ministrations and drew back a bit.
Lexie looked at him, feeling panic setting in; that he might not go through with this… again…
"Remember the night I showed you your new personal quarters?" he asked, suddenly and out of the blue.
Lexie shook her head, confused. "Yes." She tried to pull him back to her, but he didn't budge.
"And you asked me to stay for a nightcap?" he cued.
"I remember." She said, exasperated.
"And I respectfully declined?"
"I remember." Lexie said, frustration increasing at being forced to recall that.
"Is it too late to redeem that offer?" he asked, looking so deep into her eyes that she thought perhaps he was trying to see into her soul.
Those words and the implications which they held sent a jolt through her.
"There was never an expiration date on that offer…" she replied, licking her lips absentmindedly.
"Good." Snape replied.
A/N: OK kiddos... we're approaching the end... and it has come to my attn. that I've never gotten more than 8 reviews on ANY of all of these 36 posted chapters... so, my goal, for this chapter is to receive 10 reviews! Yes, that's right... double digits! I'm aiming high! PLEASE... pleeeeeeeeeease... if you're reading & enjoying, take a couple seconds & send me a review! If I get 10 reviews - I will have the next chapter posted in 3 days! So PLEASE review!
also... a special thanks goes out to PuddlemereUnited who made this comment to me last Tuesday - (She spotted me as I was about to go out for dinner) - "Wow... you're looking very 'Lexie-ish' tonight!" - thanks dude! LOL - best compliment of my life! ;-) (My response: "Woo hoo! THINK of the kind of men I'LL be pickin' up tonight!")
