Oh, and if you see Arnie, tell him… boogity-boogity-boo. He'll know what it means. Chapter XXVIII.


"I DO DISLIKE THE INTERNAL COMPOSITION OF HUMANS," Seiryū observed. "IT SIMPLY GOES EVERYWHERE."

Reno smiled weakly at the water-god's statue. "Really? I wouldn't know." He studiously avoided looking at what was left of Souta the Cunning. Calling it a smear would drop it five notches on the scale of disgusting things.

Concern showing on her face, Yuffie ran to Reno and pulled him into a hug, careful of his left arm. "You worried me, you meanie."

"An' I suppose that it's my fault that you can't get yourself out of a bind, literally or figuratively," Reno snorted. "Don't bitch to me."

With a slightly impish look, Yuffie took him by the chin and clucked softly. "You seem like you're in a bad mood. Lemme help you with it."

Seiryū uncoiled his body and floated silently through the air to where Karsk, Arcturus, David, and Mengsk lay as Reno and Yuffie explored the confines of one another's mouths. The water-god peered at the humans and then brushed them each with a clawed finger.

Immediately, they all came awake, eyes snapping wide open. The four of them started coughing, Karsk's coughs wracking him violently until Arcturus pounded him on the back and helped him to his feet. "You okay, Sarge?"

"It feels like I have water in my lungs," Karsk hacked.

"I NEVER SPECIALIZED IN HUMAN RECONSTRUCTION," Seiryū rumbled. "IF YOU'RE DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR NEW LUNGS OR SKULL, I CAN ALWAYS REMOVE THEM."

Karsk stared at the statue with an expression of blank shock on his face. "Say what?"

Obviously, the water-god found the fact that Karsk could speak plainly to a living jade statue of a dragon intriguing, because he moved to inspect the Sub-General more closely. "AN INTERESTING HUMAN. AT ANY RATE, THE FUMES FROM THOSE TWO VEHICLES' DETONATION HAD COMPLETELY COATED YOUR LUNGS AND THOSE OF YOUR COMPANIONS IN POLLUTANTS, AND YOU IN PARTICULAR HAD YOUR SKULL FRACTURED BY FLYING DEBRIS. I SIMPLY PERFORMED SOME REPAIRS."

"In that case," Rude growled, "how about some repairs over here?" He was back on his feet, clutching at his shoulder and trying not to look too pained.

Seiryū gave what passed for a smile – namely, baring all the statue's formidable teeth – and moved to Rude. "QUITE A BIT TO DO HERE. I THINK I GRASP THE DESIGN WELL ENOUGH TO RESTORE IT, THOUGH."

Rude gave him a confused look and was about to ask why he should be different from Karsk and the other ex-military elites. He cut himself off when Seiryū delicately handed him his umbrella, all the damage to it reversed.

"I was talking about my shoulder and my chest, but that works too," the Turk acceded, and took the umbrella in his good hand. "Thanks."

"NATURALLY. YOU, YOUR PARTNER, THE YOUNG SHINSENGUMI LEADER, AND HIS GEISHA ARE NOT IN IMMEDIATE DANGER OF PASSING ON, SO I WILL LEAVE REPAIRS TO THE MORE NATURALLY INCLINED FORCES OF THE WORLD."

"So Karsk and company get a get-out-of-jail-free card on their injuries and we don't?" Reno complained. "Lame."

Seiryū swiveled to face him. "THE SUB-GENERAL AND HIS FRIENDS ARE LUCKY. THERE IS ALWAYS THE PROBABILITY THAT I COULD MAKE A MISTAKE REPAIRING YOUR PRIMITIVE LITTLE HUMANOID FORM AND SWAP YOUR HIP BONES WITH YOUR VERTEBRAE. ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE CHANCE?"

"I'm good."

With a regal nod, the dragon turned its impressive gaze on Yuffie. "I AM PLEASED WITH YOU, KISARAGI YUFFIE. SOUTA THE CUNNING'S BLASPHEMY HAS BEEN RINGING UNPLEASANTLY IN MY EARS FOR SOME TIME, AND YOU HAVE DONE ME THE FAVOR OF LETTING ME EXPUNGE HIM."

"Would you have shown up if I didn't have the materia?" Yuffie asked.

"IF IT PLEASES YOU TO KNOW, NO. I CAN ONLY MANIFEST MYSELF IN THIS STATUE WHEN THERE IS A MATTER CONCERNING MY MATERIA – IT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS FORM TO PROTECT IT FROM POSSIBLE FOES, AFTER ALL."

"Well… cool. Happy to help."

"IF YOU HAVE A REQUEST, KISARAGI YUFFIE, THAT IS WITHIN MY POWER TO GRANT, I WILL ALLOW IT IN RETURN FOR DOING MY CITY THIS FAVOR."

A wide grin broke out on Yuffie's face. "I got an idea."


By the time that Seiryū was summoned and Souta the Cunning was crushed into something five notches above a smear on the scale of disgusting things, it was morning in Edge.

Rufus Shin-Ra had a morning routine that he liked to call "the grind." Most people would have given their left foot to be rich enough to call a routine like Rufus's a "grind," but what were they going to do? He was the richest man on the planet, not them.

He would wake up, slide himself out from beneath satin sheets, and throw on a velvet robe over his silk nightwear. Rufus was quite selective about the materials used, and if someone so much as breathed the word velour he had them knifed. He had illogical prejudices, as rich people were inclined to, and called velour "false velvet." Rufus actually had no objection to velour, but if people thought he did then they wouldn't buy it for him if they hung on his every word at official functions. If they did buy it in ignorance of his supposed dislike of it, then they weren't paying enough attention. In this fashion he weeded out both attentive and inattentive sycophants – because who would buy a velour bedspread, or a bedspread of any sort, for a man unless they wanted to brown-nose? It had never happened so far, but Rufus liked to be prepared.

This was the general mentality he maintained in the morning until his first and only cup of coffee. After that, the building blocks in his head obediently straightened themselves out and he became the ruthless, deadly logical businessman who didn't care what sort of bedspread you bought him as long as he could sell it to someone else for twice what you paid for it.

After waking himself up, Rufus would usually partake of a shower, followed by the newspaper. On alternate days, a shower was preceded by a workout with his personal trainer. He had an image to maintain, after all, even if Shin-Ra was being phased out by the WRO.

On this particular morning, Rufus slid out from beneath satin sheets, threw on a velvet robe over his silk nightwear, and made for his first cup of coffee when his phone rang.

His home phone.

Immediately he tried to go down a list of people that he'd given out his personal home phone number to, but his mind hadn't received its caffeinated booster shot yet, so all he succeeded in doing was planting the seeds for a headache.

This had better be good. Trying to wake himself up without the aid of that sweetest of drugs, Rufus crossed his bedroom to his phone. He closed his hand around it, feeling "the grind" begin to evaporate around his ears as he did so, and picked up.

"Rufus here."

"Hey, Boss. It's Reno."

"And what prompts your call at this hour?"

"Well, you remember the whole marriage thing. With Yuffie. You know."

Instantly, Rufus was awake. Being reminded of the "whole marriage thing" was like sitting down on a primed hypodermic needle full of undiluted caffeine. "Oh, vaguely. I don't suppose that one of the other lucky suitors won the game and now has to deal with her."

"Nope. I whooped some solid ass and now you're engaged."

Rufus blew out a long breath and then inhaled deeply. Calm. Remember the steps. "I don't suppose you have a way to get me out of this, Reno."

"I might."

"I hope you do. Because if you don't, and I end up having to marry Kisaragi to avoid an incident with Wutai, I'm going to personally reacquaint you with the Needle. Believe me when I say that it will not be pleasant."

"The Needle never was pleasant," Reno drawled. "In fact, I'd say as far as training experiences went, it was the worst thing I'd ever gone through at the time. But, luckily for me, we're gonna get this whole messy thing fixed up pronto."

"My relief is beyond comprehension," Rufus matched Reno's drawl. "Elucidate."

"Okay. I need you to go and fill your bathtub to about ankle level."

Rufus blinked. What?

"Say again, Reno?"

"You heard me right, Boss. Go and fill up your bathtub to about ankle level, then stand in it. I can't guarantee what'll happen next, but it'll be a step forward."

For a long moment, Rufus internally debated whether to actually go and fill his bathtub to ankle level and then stand in it. Absolute absurdity. Just like Reno to suggest something so strange and then not expand upon any rhyme or reason.

Oh, what the hell. "All right. Give me a minute. If nothing happens I'll call you back."

Rufus hung up and shook his head at the phone, then walked into his bathroom. He closed the drain on the tub, a large and elegant black-marble affair that more resembled a hot tub than a bathtub. A minute after Rufus turned the faucet, it was full to ankle level. The young president invested that minute in procuring himself a cup of joe. No point in not getting his fix, after all.

Taking a measured sip of the stuff and savoring its black bitterness, Rufus shucked his slippers and stepped into the tub.


The Pagoda had weathered the massive gang revolt quite well, considering that the bikers had thrown themselves against it again and again while Souta was busy in the temple. Karsk's men had fought with remarkable efficiency – not even a single enemy had gained the entrance to the great building. Casualties were slight, while the courtyard was littered with the bodies of bikers and what was left of their rides.

Wutai had been defended.

"You're sure this will work?" Godo asked, staring dubiously at the dragon hovering next to him. Seiryū had compressed the size of the statue to roughly human height, saying that he wanted to meet with Yuffie's father to carry out her and Reno's request. Only Godo could find the dragon's presence hard to believe when it was right in front of his face.

"As sure as I was that the Great Wall would stand up to the Serpent's Tsunami," Seiryū replied. His voice still thrummed with a peculiar, bold godlike quality, but was greatly reduced in volume with his size.

Makoto, temporarily patched up until they could get everyone to a hospital and a Cure materia, spoke up. "Wasn't that the tidal wave that destroyed over half of Wu-"

"And here we go."

There was a loud pop as a quantity of air was shoved forcibly out of a large space, a sploosh, and those gathered in the room were abruptly confronted with Rufus Shin-Ra, still in a robe and bedclothes, with a cup of coffee in one hand, standing in a toilet.

The president frowned for a moment, looked at all of them, then at the toilet he was standing in. Then he shrugged, took a sip of coffee, and commented idly, "I hope this is a private bathroom."


"I apologize for the means used to get you here," Godo was saying to Rufus. "We would have asked Seiryū to manifest you in a sink or other liquid receptacle of proper size, but our running water was cut off in the battle."

Rufus shrugged again and took another sip of coffee. "I'm not entirely awake enough yet to find myself shocked at any of the goings-on here. I have to say, though," and at this he looked at Reno, Yuffie, Rude, Makoto, Rei, and Karsk and his soldiers, "the lot of you look like you've been through hell and back."

Reno replied by way of a sheepish grin. "Well, most every part of me hurts, but I figure I'll survive. I know he does."

A faux-innocent look passed over Seiryū's normally inscrutable dragon features. "I've no idea what you're talking about. Now… Rufus Shin-Ra. Far be it from me to lecture you on the immense damage you and your company have caused the Planet in the past. I can tell that you are already penitent."

Rufus' expression did not belie this.

"Therefore, I will simply tell you this: in exchange for services rendered by Kisaragi Yuffie, I have granted her a request. She has made one that her lover, Reno, concurs with, and that I think is quite easily accomplished. To quote her, 'I'd really, really like it if you got rid of my whole matrimonial obligation to that scumbag Rufus.'"

"Such affection," Rufus observed with a smirk.

"There are two ways that we can go about doing this. One: I can kill you and thus void the contract."

"I'd prefer option number two."

"I thought as much. There is a little-known clause in the Code of Matrimony. As it was written in response to forging political alliances through marriage, however, it has a certain mercantile tone to it."

Rufus took another sip of coffee. "I would say that this marriage definitely qualifies as one being carried out to forge a political alliance. If I can get out of it, I will."

"In that case, I will quote the clause to you: 'Should the suitor of the lady in question be unwilling to carry out the marriage, and should he be foresworn to it, he may remove himself from the prospect of the marriage by surrendering to the lady's family a monetary sum equal to the value of the lady's dowry.'"

The Shin-Ra president's tone was the epitome of calm. "Why would this clause not be particularly well-known?"

"Because I, acting on my authority as Regent-Protector of sovereign Wutai, just wrote it in."

"Our bureaucracy has always been deeply rooted in the spiritual," Godo explained. "Therefore, all minor and major deities that have ever been officially recognized by the government, in any incarnation, at some point in time, hold positions within our government according to their positions within the Celestial Bureaucracy."

"I am also the Grand Minister of Irrigation and Waterworkings," Seiryū added.

A muscle in Rufus's jaw twitched. "Fascinating. So do inform me, what would be the monetary value of Yuffie's dowry?"

"I looked into that. She cannot claim Wutai as her dowry, as you would be marrying her to supply aid to it. A shame, too; I estimate that having you pay Godo the GNP of Wutai for the current year would put a considerable dent in your fortune. I did, however, amend the wording of the marriage contract your name was put to, to state that when you married Yuffie you would be granted the position of Marquis. It has an annual salary of seven hundred and fifty thousand gil, plus government health benefits, pension, retirement bonuses, travel bonuses, et cetera."

Rufus blinked, slowly, and speared Reno with a stare as he asked Seiryū, "The net value of the position would, then, be what?"

The redhead winced a bit when the water-god said, blandly, "One million, three hundred thousand gil."

"And I take it that you not only wrote in the position of Marquis as Yuffie's dowry just before you added the clause to the Code of Matrimony, but you also invented the position today as well."

"I didn't not invent it."

"You just got gouged by a divine being, Mr. Shin-Ra," Karsk observed with a small glint of humor in his eye.

"Naturally, we will require the sum delivered to our treasury, preferably in precious metals. Godo has also informed me that weaponry or medical supplies will serve." The jade dragon slid a contract across the tatami to Rufus. "Sign your name there and, assuming you keep your end of the bargain, the marriage contract will be annulled."

Rufus held out a hand, in which Reno obligingly placed a pen. The redheaded Turk smiled weakly as he watched his boss wordlessly sign the contract and slide it back to Seiryū. "Between this, the bikes, Tseng's car, and all the other expenses we've racked up on your bill on this vacation, Rude and I are gonna be working for you for a long time, eh, Boss?"

"For the rest of your lives," Rufus deadpanned.


Tseng's cell rang.

At the moment, he was sitting at his kitchen table, wrapped up in a flannel robe, methodically consuming a bowl of cereal. Most people could look at him and swear on their favorite holy tome that he was a bagels-for-breakfast kind of guy, but he liked cereal. Elena happened to like cereal, too, so she had no objections to staying at his place for a night. Or two.

Maybe they'd use her apartment tonight.

Tseng flipped his cell open. "Tseng here."

"So, Elena's let you put the chew-toy down," Reno laughed. "You must've been behaving well."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Tseng said.

"Well, when I told Rufus that I'd call you and have you arrange a ride for him, he saw fit to regale me with tales of your and Elena's sexual exploits." A pause. "He says that he actually said 'Hopefully they're not too exhausted from last night to pick up the phone.' I just modified it a bit."

Tseng frowned. "Perhaps you'd like to explain what Rufus is doing in Wutai."

"A water-god teleported him here so we could kill the deal on the whole marriage thing and now he wants to stay for a bit. He got gouged pretty bad, too."

I choose not to question this chain of events. It was still too early to start asking questions that would only receive dumb answers. "I'll arrange for a flight in. We'll come pick him up. What about you and Rude?"

"We're gonna stay on. We still have a couple days of leave left, after all."

"Great. We'll see you when we get there." Tseng hit END and put the phone back down on the table.

Several spoonfuls of cereal later, Elena emerged from the bathroom in a rolling cloud of fog, a towel wrapped none too modestly around her slender frame. "Who were you talking to?"

"Reno. Apparently Rufus got himself magically taken to Wutai to renegotiate his marriage with an ancient water-god and got himself screwed in the process. We're going to pick him up."

Elena didn't ask any stupid questions, either. She just bent down and gave Tseng a kiss. "I love this job."

Tseng thought on that for a second, wondering where the kidnappings and violence, not to mention getting tortured by insane silver-haired men, fit in with her affection for the work.

He let it go and pulled her into another kiss.