August 2008
Imposter. An imposter is what she felt like entering the room. The room was bright and warm in a way that felt comforting, but that didn't mitigate the nervousness bubbling inside of her. What was she doing here? Support groups are reserved for victims, and Olivia did not feel like a victim. God, he really ruined her. She wanted freedom from the chains that trap her; she needed it because without it, she's left stagnant; never moving onward.
Olivia sat down in the circle of chairs while group members socialized and filled up on refreshments of coffee and donuts. Before she came here, she spent the morning at the bluestone cafe, gaining the courage to come. But now that she's here, it feels wrong, like she's trespassing.
The room began spinning, and she immediately felt nauseous, dashing towards the bathroom. Olivia bent over the toilet, puking out this morning's breakfast. The bathroom door opened, and she realized she hadn't locked the stall.
"First-time jitters?" The woman's voice was low but bold.
Wiping the corner of her mouth with toilet paper, "Morning sickness, I'm pregnant." Olivia replied.
"Well, congratulations, or I'm sorry to hear that," Olivia smirked. She'd never heard something so absurd and witty but also fitting to her situation.
She was an older woman, but not the kind that bakes cookies and gives warm hugs. She was the kind that didn't sugarcoat anything and would tell you the real upfront. The stranger held out her hand, helping Olivia off the tile. "I'm Kimberley,"
"Thank you. I'm Olivia." At the sink, she washed her hands.
"Are you staying?"
Suddenly Olivia felt exposed; her next act was to walk out of that bathroom and never look back. It scared and intrigued her that a stranger knew her intentions. Olivia just couldn't get past the invading thoughts of feeling like an outsider.
"I- I don't belong here; I should go."
"Because you don't actually belong or because your story is just that much harder to face?" Kimberley asked pointedly. There it was again, a stranger was reading her thoughts, and it freaked her. Even more so than facing the unpleasant reality.
"Because I don't know what to say. When I'm called on, what will come out?" Olivia shrugged her shoulders. It genuinely scared her.
"You don't have to speak; just listen. Today is the beginning, Okay?"
"Okay!" agreed. Leaving the restroom, Olivia felt a twinge of anxiety flaring.
As they rejoined the group, Olivia sat in the circle, and Kimberley went to stand in the middle. It was no surprise this shrewd lady would be leading the circle. Her presence exudes strength and knowledge. In a matter of minutes, she collected Olivia and made her feel protected even though she's never known genuine protection, only the perceived version.
"Good afternoon." As she spoke, Kimberley oscillated around the group. "I see and appreciate the new faces that are here today. I just want to invite everyone to speak freely and openly, and compassionately. Nothing is out of the ordinary here, and we respect each other. I would like to go around the circle, and we all introduce ourselves, then we'll open the floor to anyone who wishes to speak and be heard." The woman concludes and takes her seat within the circle.
The last woman before Olivia is named Shelly, and this is her first time being here, which has Olivia feeling less like the oddball out.
"Hi," awkwardly waving, "My name is Olivia, and this is my first time coming to a support group."
"Welcome, Olivia!" the group says in unison.
"Now the floor is open, and I just want to remind everyone that this is a safe and welcoming space. Maybe some will relate, and some won't. But you are seen and heard." Leaning back in the chair, Kimberley displayed her palms, giving the floor to whoever. Here there wasn't any pressure, just acceptance and acknowledgment.
Everyone's eyes were aimed at each other. Probably praying that one who speaks up, so they didn't have to. Then Claire raised her hand.
"I'm Claire, and I just got out of an abusive relationship of five years. I knew that if I'd stayed, my daughter and I would be dead." she stammered. "I left Connecticut and moved here last month." Claire took a deep breath and continued, "It started with a push…."
Olivia started to drift into an in-between place, where she was listening and reflecting on her own story and where it had begun.
Flashback: September 2000 Clawson High school, MI
Clawson High was doing their due diligence working with the inner-city kids. Even with all the pushback and disapproval from parents in the community. Clawson High successfully built an onsite continuation school Hansen Academy, just off the 30 building. Complete with portables and new specialized teachers who are equipped to work with these troubled youth.
The principal was very particular about the students and how they were expected to behave on this campus. Clawson high is one of the reputable schools in this town, and he wasn't keen on them corrupting the students. A righteous bastard he was.
During lunch was the only time that Clawson interacted with Hansen Academy, and security was even more vigilant. Today just so happened to be club rush, and as much as principal Carter wanted to keep the schools separate, there was just no getting around this. As soon as the bell rang, the senior square filled with students and staff. Rows of tables and sign-up sheets, club rush, kicked off nicely.
"I'm working the debate table and cheer table with Liz and angel." Young Olivia told her friend Tamika. They were leaving the 40 building and heading to the square. Liv donned her cheer uniform and carried two large textbooks against her chest.
"I see the Hansen kids found their way over here," Tammy commented with disdain.
It wasn't hard to spot them wearing uniforms; khakis and white shirts tucked in their trousers, this rule went for girls and boys. Clawson students, however, were awarded free dress all year round.
And Tammy's parents were the most vocal about their concerns and aversions to the new regime.
"Well, there haven't been any fights, and the police haven't been called. It might not be so bad after all," liv says optimistically.
"Well, you know most of them to come from Warrendale, I wouldn't trust any of them."
Olivia chuckled unceremoniously. "Okay, well, I'll keep my eyes peeled. Go to our cheer booth and try not to judge people so harshly" she shooed her friend off and made her way to the debate booth.
Students of all different grades have passed up the debate table. It was looking like there wouldn't be a whole team to compete this year. Olivia excused herself and went to check on the cheerleading table when she accidentally bumped into a boy. At first glance, she thought he was cute. Clad in the Hansen academy uniform and strangely resembling Drake. She quickly apologized and proceeded on to her destination.
"Liv are you alright?" her cheer mate asked.
"What, yeah, I'm fine," looking around for the boy who seems to have disappeared. She brushed it off and picked up the clipboard. "Cheer is doing better than debate." sighing.
"Yeah, sorry."
"You know what; send the cheer girls down to the debate table."
She returned to the debate booth to find the boy leaning on the table, talking to the vice president of debate.
"Oh, you can ask her yourself. Liv, he wants to sign up for debate, but his schedule conflicts with our meeting days," Cameron informed nervously.
Her eyes scanned over his uniform, then understood Cameron's awkwardness. "Here, leave your name and number." handing him the clipboard.
Whereas liv and cam were having a hard time believing anyone from the academy had any interest in debate, they aren't allowed to turn students away. After he filled out the sign sheet, he resumed the leaning position.
"Can I get your number, liv" William said as if he'd known her. And for obvious reasons, Olivia took offense.
"My name is Olivia, and no, you can't have my number, Willy."
"Will is fine, but when you get that stick out of your ass, come find me" He hiked his backpack upon his shoulders and walked away smiling like he did something cool.
Present
Later that night, Olivia shut off the shower, wrung out her hair, and then wrapped herself in the thick towel. Passing a mirror, she glanced into it, then unraveled the towel and took in her figure. Her stomach had a little pudge; it was undeniable proof that she was growing a life. A smile played in the corners of her mouth.
"Hi there," punctuated by a soft poke of her belly. And if on cue, a low grumble hummed for food. "I guess we should eat, huh?"
Olivia finished her nightly routine and then called for room service. Ordering the honey garlic pork chop and triple-layer cake as dessert. She deserved it after the emotionally exhausting day she had.
Today's events surprised her; something was empowering about watching women take back their power and own their experiences. Olivia didn't share during the support group today, but she's definitely going back next week. Something awoke in her today, and she never wants to lose herself in anyone ever again. Finally trusting herself and her decisions, and now she knows she'll be just fine without him.
There used to be a time she couldn't comprehend that.
Flashback 2001 graduation
Olivia steps out of the classroom, and to her right, clad in a pristine marines uniform, William smiles and says, "Hello Olivia."
"What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving today?"
After learning the devastating news, William wouldn't be walking the stage with the rest of the class. Olivia was initially upset, and they hadn't talked in a few weeks. She never wanted him to join the military in the first place. He was trying to prove something, and not even she could persuade him against it.
Their graduation day fell on the day he's supposed to report to the base, and since they have not spoken in weeks, she assumed they were broken up. So seeing him here today took her by surprise.
"I'm here to see you, I know you're probably still mad at me, but I have a question to ask you."
Olivia looked down at the rehearsed speech in her hands and back at William. "I have to go, will. I hope you find what you're looking for."
"Wait, wait" He jabbed his hands in his pockets and pulled out a small black velvet box. "Marry me, Olivia, please."
Speechless, she tried to imagine what forever with him would be like. Before she regained her voice, he attempted to give her more reasons.
"Liv, I love you, and you love me. So say yes if we got married, you could live on the base, and we'll never be apart. Liv, say yes," he pleaded.
Hesitant at first, "Will, no, I can't marry you. I'm going to college. I'm already stuck in LA because of you. I don't want to." Her throat was tight, her eyes blurring from tears. "I have to go; I have a speech to give."
"So you don't love me enough to do this for me?"
"I love you, but it's your turn to make sacrifices for me" Olivia readjusted her cap and smoothed out her gown, and walked away.
Although it might seem like this was the last chapter in their relationship, it was just the beginning of something tragic.
She was staring at the cake, trying to find a fond memory to shove aside the pictures in her mind when the laptop dinged, notifying her of an email. Olivia sat the plate on the bed and grabbed the device. The email was from an apartment that she'd been looking into. The perfect size for her until she has the baby. Studying the place further, she thinks she can at least stay until after the birth, maybe a year or two before the space gets cramped. It's just a thought, but it could be a reality. Of course, she has to do more research into the area and pet policies because she's going a bit crazy without her fluffy companion.
After Olivia looked over the photos and requirements, she went back to her dessert.
Olivia tilts her head back and peers up the facade of the building. It must be fifteen floors high. She inhaled deeply then went inside. To her left, there's a board of residents; quickly scanning the board, she finds the name and office of whom she's searching out. Besides the board is the elevators, so she takes it up to the 6th floor.
Picking at her fingernails, Olivia walked to the receptionist's desk. "Good morning; I have an appointment with Kimberley Robinson." Her anxiety always has terrible timing. She is sweating, and she can almost hear the rhythmic thump pounding against her chest.
She has no idea what she's walking into right now. The receptionist tells her that Dr. Robinson will be out shortly. So Olivia takes a chair in the small waiting area.
Still picking her nails and bouncing her leg.
"Olivia!" Kimberley greets warmly, welcoming Liv into her office.
When they first met a few days ago, Olivia didn't expect Kimberley to be so established. Obviously, the woman was brilliant and insightful, but she would have never guessed; she held a Ph.D. in psychology. Naturally, she felt drawn to her strength and power, so now she was here hoping that Kimberley could point her in the right direction. For the future to come
"I wish I could say I am surprised you called, however sooner than I anticipated. Come sit down."
"Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice and without a referral." Olivia is grateful.
"Can I get you anything; crackers, tea?"
"I am actually feeling quite good today," she said absentmindedly, putting her hand on her belly.
"So what brings you here? I think I have an idea, but I want to hear from you."
"I wasn't brave enough to talk about my abuse with the group; now I'm ready to talk about it. I'm no longer ashamed of myself because of it. And I just need someone to tell me that I'm not the problem, I'm not the screw-up." Olivia sighed deeply, her whole chest heaving, and was silent for a while.
Kimberley nodded slowly, absorbing the magnitude of the girl's testimony. "You are not the problem; you're not a screw-up." letting the statement hang in the air for a moment. "Does that magically fix your problems and make all the pain and misfortune go away?"
Her eyes watered, and her bottom lip quivered "no."
"Because my words aren't going to fix that, but time will. You don't know everything, and you don't have the answers to every question. And you know what, that is okay because you're twenty-five years old and still learning. Everyone makes mistakes, but loving the man that hurt you doesn't make you stupid or naive. It makes you human, Olivia. I want you to write a letter to this person and release everything you are holding inside, and then I want you to come to the group next week and be brave, tell your story because we are your sisters. And maybe you'll learn how I started the group." Kimberley shoots her an encouraging smirk that makes her want to hug the woman.
"You know people in the real world always say when something terrible happens that the sadness and loss and aching pain of the heart will "lessen as time passes," but it isn't true. Sorrow and loss are constant, but if we all had to go through our whole lives carrying them the whole time, we wouldn't be able to stand it. The sadness would paralyze us. So, in the end, just pack it into bags and find somewhere to leave it. My favorite author once wrote. However, I want you to let it go. Don't let it define you by locking it inside of you, Olivia. And never feel ashamed for loving someone; it takes courage."
Olivia nodded, drying the lone tear that rolled down her cheek. "Thank you"
For the first time in weeks, Olivia feels the radiant sun on her face, and her shoulders are light as a feather. Her problems aren't solved, and that's okay because she's free for once in her life. The feeling is indescribable, and she's ready for the chapter of her life to begin.
By the afternoon, Olivia ends up enjoying a two-scoop strawberry and chocolate ice cream cone at grand hope park. Just watching the birds flock and the kiddies run around screaming for no apparent reason but excitement and rapture.
She stayed for hours until the sunset, and then she took a Lyft back to the hotel. Kimberley's advice was still on her mind.
Olivia slipped into something a little more comfortable, then grabbed a pen and paper, and she just started writing everything she felt.
Dear William,
The last thing I heard you say to me is that you hate me and wished I were dead. Well, I'm not dead. I have been waiting to hear you say it was a mistake and that you're sorry. I know that isn't going to happen. I am guessing that you've returned to the base and decided that your life is better without me, but guess what, so is mine. I don't care where you are because I'm done; I don't need you, never have, but you have always needed and wanted me. Now I'm making my own choices; I am pregnant, Will! And I'm having my baby, they are only as big as blackberry, but they're mine. Being with you has not been the easiest journey; it hasn't even been the happiest. My mama and daddy have always preached love and respect, and it's taken me years to realize that you had neither for me. I let you lead me blindly into a trap disguised as love. But now I'm writing this letter to say, "I'm done" I won't stop loving you tonight or tomorrow, but I will try my damndest to teach my baby what real love and respect is, and they'll never know what a coward you are. Goodbye, William.
Olivia
Teardrops stained the paper and caused the ink to blur. She dashed the tears from her eyes with her shirtsleeve. Then she opened the drawer and pulled out a book of matches. She took the paper and matches to the bathroom.
Standing in the mirror, Olivia declared, "I love me, and I trust me." striking the matchstick, it ignited a flame at which she lit the edge of the letter and let it burn up into the universe.
After watching her turn to ashes, she climbed back into bed and opened her laptop, and in the google search engine, she types Steps to earning a psychology degree? Enter...
Author note
Please give it up for resilience and self-love! This was awesome to write; I just hope that yall enjoy it as much as I do. As always, leave a review. Oh, I know I've been using letters a lot in the story, but they're super important.
Q: What are yall's thoughts about Olivia's letter and new career interest?
Love and light- Skye-Anne
