It wasn't actually hard to understand how Harvey and Mike worked so well together. It wasn't hard at all, she revisited her thought of earlier that evening. That damn kid , she cursed, as she opened the door to her place, immediately bending down to take off her shoes. Mike had gone to her office to deliver that last line, she knew. "It's never just business with you" was such a Harvey sentence that says so much and says nothing at all. Coward! But this time she was determined to do it differently, to not fall on the same pattern as before.
She had decided, it was settled.
So come back, don't come back, I don't care! her mind raced as she grabbed a container with leftover thai food from the fridge, because nothing will ever change if this goddam cycle isn't broken, she might have even said it out loud but living alone had these perks, no one would hear her anyway. Ball is on his court, she reassured herself, just to regret it a second later, When was the ball not on his court, Donna? She slammed the microwave door harder than she wanted it, the noise forcing her to snap out of her own train of thoughts. The food wasn't even that hot but it didn't matter. She was exhausted. 11:13 PM, the clock light flashed on the oven and her mind took her right back to about 24 hours ago, a self betrayal as she had sworn not to play the scenario on her mind again. The sight of him, just the night before, had pushed her over the edge faster than she could stop herself, after everything that had happened, he was a full force magnet that pulled her in the minute he walked in her office. Before she even fully processed Louis's words, Mike's advice and everything in between, her arms were brushing past his shoulders and slowly sliding down, her left hand settling on his neck and her mouth fading into his as she came undone, crossed the line, rule be damned, the taste of his lips just like 13 years ago and she could swear...
Her thoughts were interrupted by three knocks on the door.
Donna's heart raced at the sound, fork escaping her hand and bouncing on the kitchen floor.
Her breath halted.
He's in Chicago, she told herself, and the air came out shaky as if it were suddenly 20 degrees colder inside. No.
"Donna," his voice was clear, saying her name the way he does, a plea and a warning all in one.
She leaned against the refrigerator, focusing on her breath. No, no, no.
A few seconds must have gone by without an answer, but he was still there. "Donna, please open the door."
She closed her eyes tightly.
This was happening.
"Listen...I am going to stay here by the door until you open it, I know you're in there!" he dared.
Stupid fork, she figured he had heard it fall. Shit. She had to say something to send him away, fast, anything, just say it,"That's trespassing."
Harvey chuckled in the hallway. "So sue me."
She cursed him under her breath, "what do you want, Harvey?" the question coming out in a low tone as she stood by the door, her shaky hand hesitating on the knob.
He swallowed the lump of his throat, feeling her closer to the door. "Can we talk?" He said softly.
Talk? Ha! He wants to talk! She suddenly felt like she was in another dimension, frozen in place, very aware of her fast heartbeat.
"Please?" Harvey added, knowing he had a small window of opportunity to convince her. She heard him again, her hand finally turning the knob as she stepped back.
"Hey." He said as he walked just past the doorway, quickly yet timidly.
"Shortest trip ever, huh?" He deserved the sass, she figured, as she moved to the other side of the kitchen, holding on the oven to steady herself.
He cleared his throat, "Just needed a day," he said.
Used to fast paced conversations and dynamic interactions, the silence that took over was deafening for both. Harvey glanced at her, afraid but hoping to catch her looking at him, maybe their eyes would meet, but her timing was off as he was staring at his feet when she dared to look. He needed a day, she heard him say, how shocking . Donna closed her eyes for a second or two longer than she needed, unable to tame the anger that rose.
"Brook-Moss merger?" He raised an eyebrow, a desperate save of the moment. Work small talk, Harvey? He thought and could practically read the disappointment on her face as she probably struggled not to send him home.
"I signed it for you, it'll be finalized tomorrow morning. Didn't know when you'd come back," she said, piercing eyes on him, not skipping a beat.
They could always be professional, they'd always have that.
"Thank you." He added as he eyed the whiskey on her cabinet, her eyes following his. Before he could voice it, Donna retrieved the bottle and poured him a shot, neat, sliding the tumbler over until he grabbed it across the countertop, a move that looked straight out of a bar scene of a western movie, but they had both mastered it. As he sipped half the content for courage, she hated herself for the old habit of anticipating his needs.
"Louis took Vincent for himself since you weren't here, I agreed to it. Rachel finalized the briefs on the Giles's case, I'll have her put it on your desk tomor…"
"I didn't come here to talk about work, Donna." He interrupted her.
She paused, tilting her head slightly and bluntly staring right at him. Well you goddamn started it , but the thought stayed on her mind. "I am simply reporting a day to the managing partner." There, that sounded better. Crossing her arms, she pulled herself together in more than once sense.
Harvey dropped his shoulders, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Look, I...it's not easy for me..." he stumbled on his words.
As the pattern started to present itself, frustration filled her chest, and she spoke, raising her voice by an octave. "Not easy for you to what? Talk about us?" Her hands signaled back and forth between them. "Oh it is easy, Harvey, we've done this many times. Let me tell you how it goes." She walked fast to the living room, away from him. "You do or say something nice, like it's never just business with you..." and at his confused face, she added "yeah I know about that one, or you say ' with you, it's different' or ' you know I love you, Donna ,' then I press you for answers or I make a move and you…"she let out a nervous laugh, "you... run," she finished, hands on her waist as she faced him.
"Donna, please…" he whispered.
There was no point on even trying to hide how weak she felt, but enough was enough.
"When you said you loved me, the very next day you took any possible meaning from your words by saying it was out of pity. Then I told you I wanted more and you...you found yourself a girlfriend; I kissed you, you ran to Chicago. See the pattern?" She crossed her arms again to try to hide how much her whole body was shaking. It didn't matter what it took, she was going to let it out, sadness and lack of hope fueling her brain til words left her mouth unfiltered. "It's that easy for you, Harvey. Everything just falls right into place and you get away with it effortlessly but I…" she looked up, searching, hoping, so help her God she'd had enough of him winning, "so if you show up at my apartment wanting to talk, then goddamn talk or leave!"
A repeated nod from him was her cue to stop. There was something about Harvey's struggle to communicate his feelings that was actually pitiful. She could clearly see him wanting to say something, but not being able to speak the words in his mind. It was as if his brain was wide open, phrases and dialogues completely formed, ready, she could tell, but then dead on his throat. Strange how he spoke so perfectly in a courtroom, or at work, around dozens of people, but here, with her, it was as if he was an unprepared witness on the stand about to destroy a whole case.
She spotted the veins on his neck get thicker as he forced himself to breathe.
"I… you're right," he conceded, showing a smirk that was too daring for the moment. "Almost."
She scoffed, bringing her hands to her hair in a desperate sign, her body language causing him to speak up before it was too late.
"I didn't go to Chicago," it was all he managed to say.
She held up a shrug, using her arms as a question signal, confusion clear on her face.
"I spent the day at the cemetery," he whispered, looking at his glass, "listening to jazz and drinking whiskey. I spent the day... sitting by him."
Donna's heart dropped at his reveal and suddenly she was the one that couldn't talk.
"I just needed a day, but I wasn't running. Not again. So you're wrong about that."
She nodded, fidgeting with her fingers and as her expression softened. Harvey knew he had an opening to continue.
"I actually spent the day confronting my ...thoughts. My issues. Not running."
It was like a high fever had suddenly taken her body, the sound of his words numbing every muscle and constricting the air in her lungs.
"And I really came here to tell you that..."
She felt her heart on her throat, swallowing dry as her pink tingling nose gave away her emotions.
"...I'm here. I'm not going to run," he added.
The tears came in then and Donna turned her body away from him.
Harvey quickly gulped the rest of the amber liquid and placed the glass on the coffee table. He walked over to her, standing an inch from her back as she didn't move, her body stiff like a statue. His hand reached for her hair, brushing it gently. For a second he just stood there, playing with how close their bodies were to each other, toying with the need to press himself against her, bring his mouth to her neck and circle his arms around her waist, til her dry, raspy voice woke him from his trance.
"Why?" She asked, as she once again closed her eyes, fearing the answer.
"Because I see it, Donna." He swallowed the lump on his throat. "I see you." He whispered, sending goosebumps running through her arms.
She felt the void behind her as soon as he moved away, anger filling her again.
"So why are you leaving now, then?" the sentence was out and it sure sounded to her like a plea for him to stay.
"I need to take care of something first," he gave her the truth and turned around, door closing discreetly as the tears streamed down her face. Alone in her apartment again, the first thought that came to her was that, last night, in her office, she could swear he had kissed her back.
