That night, on the way to Rachel's apartment, she started rethinking the decision. Talking about Harvey felt more like a task then a relief, there she was, dutifully reminiscing on her feelings for him like the past 13 years. Why didn't I invite Rachel to my place? she thought. It would have been easier to escape Mike that way, their last interaction still on her mind, which then wondered between how rude she actually had been to the kid to then wanting to know if Mike had talked to Harvey again. She was sure they had talked, those two had more opportunities to gossip than any woman of that firm. Mike and Harvey made the men's bathroom the interesting one in the building, she had watched them walk out of there together far too many times. One could even suspect they were way too close, but that one wasn't her, seeing she could vouch for at least one of them. Though that would be a better reason for his lack of response to me, she thought.
The bathroom thought brought the time Harvey beat Stephen back to her mind, glass shattered, his knuckles scraped and red. In any movie or soap opera, Harvey's reaction would have made that an obvious statement of the guy's love for the girl. It was such a cliché move, any 90's romcom had mastered it. Not in real life, though. Not for them, the actress in her had a terrible habit of thinking of life as a script. Harvey had been very clear telling her it didn't mean anything. Denying their us was something he never failed to do, since the other time. The 'nos', 'nevers' and the 'don'ts' didn't have any trouble leaving his mouth and the chances disappeared as fast as they were felt. No one doubted Harvey Specter's denials, his forceful statement were a trademark. His truth, on the other hand, hid under the layers of three piece suits, and very few people knew about them, very few people could peel Harvey to his core.
She used to be one of those people.
Donna swiped the card to pay for the fare and pressed the green button, quickly scanning the cab seat to make sure she hadn't left anything behind. Walking to the heavy glass door, the 'Zane/Ross' doorbell tag made her smile and she made a mental note to bring up the last name conversation with her friend one last time, still secretly hoping Rachel wouldn't want to become Rachel Ross. Their building's elevator was quicker and cleaner than the one on her building, add that to the list of reasons to move, she thought, momentarily distracting herself from the torment of constantly thinking of Harvey. She felt like a schoolgirl, madly in love, coming for a sleepover at her bff's. 40 going on 14, a sequel, I wonder if Jennifer Garner is still available? she scoffed to herself right as she knocked on the door. Oh, right, life is not a script.
"You made it!" Rachel greeted her excitingly.
"Hi Rach," she said, hugging her friend and lingering a bit more than usual. Rachel's hugs were some sort of healing touch therapy.
Rachel caught on, but didn't push for an explanation just yet. Donna was there, and that was already a victory. People acted differently under pressure and after more than 7 years of friendship, Rachel was aware that Donna didn't open up easily. This was one of the reasons why the redhead's suggestion to talk over wine had fallen on her like a request; she would have completely rearranged her schedule to be available for her friend. Donna had always been incredibly protective of Rachel, without ever diminishing her choices, and Rachel was probably the only one to know how fragile Donna could be, especially if the subject was Harvey.
Mike stood in the kitchen with a bottle of wine on each hand and a meek smile. "Malbec or Cabernet?" he offered, raising one at a time.
Donna pondered for a second. "I'm a cab girl but God knows I could use a little Argentinian love tonight," she announced her choice.
"And why's that?" Mike pried, to Rachel's immediate protest. "Michael."
It was Donna's turn to grin. "Don't pretend you don't know...Michael," she added, copying Rachel's tone on his name. "I'm sure Harvey has shared enough with you."
"So you ARE here to talk about Harvey?" he added, again looking too smart for his own good.
"No comment ,counselor," it was the all he could get from the redheaded woman.
He opened the bottle of Malbec and walked over to Donna, pouring her a glass. "Listen...we're a team, Donna, and on our team the leader isn't always right," he said, placing a kiss on her forehead. "In fact, he's often quite blind to lead anything."
Donna couldn't help but smile, her lips curving up as her shoulders relaxed, Mike's support hitting her hard.
"I'll see you girls in a couple of hours," he kissed the corner of Rachel's mouth, her smile too proud to hide, and walked out to give the ladies some privacy. "Behave."
Donna barely waited for Mike to be out the door to feed her curiosity. "Is he going straight to Harvey's or are they meeting at a bar?" she asked as she dropped her purse on the couch.
"I got us some cheese and salami, but if you didn't grab dinner I have leftovers," Rachel added perkily, placing the cheese tray on the table and looking down to her phone to select a playlist.
"Cheese is fine, thanks," she answered, continuing to direct her glare at her friend.
"Acoustic pop or Indie rock? Maybe best of the 90's?"
"Rachel," she said, raising her eyebrows.
The brunette sighed loudly, selecting acoustic pop and lowering the volume, Lorde's voice filling the room. There was no way she'd be able to hide anything.
"He didn't go to see Harvey, Donna. He tried but Harvey said he had to take care of ...something personal," Rachel gave it away, filling her glass halfway.
"Oh," it was all Donna managed to say, that was twice in two days she had been speechless.
Rachel could see the broken heart under the Valentino dress and unwavering confidence, regardless of Donna's constant denials. She could pick up on the slightest variation of look and mood, her timing was usually right. She didn't press. She didn't force it. She simply moved on to discuss frivolous subjects, like any other girls' night, brushing through the pages of a make-up catalogue and showing Donna a few possibilities for the big day.
A blonde model wearing a cherry, pinkish tone on the cheeks and lips:
"Nope, it's your wedding, not a pageant. Besides, your skin color doesn't blush like that. Next."
A picture of a woman with well contoured cheeks, dark red lipstick:
"Red lipstick and a white dress? Vera Wang is crying just at your dirty thought. Shame on you! Next," Donna said, indicating the next page.
"Sorry, Vera!" Rachel added in between a laugh, showing her the next photo.
A face with peachy flushed looking cheeks, moist nude lips, smudged black eyeshadow:
"Hmm, pretty, but you should look that smudged after your first night, not before," Donna grinned.
"I'm losing hope here!" Rachel protested, to no avail.
"Next."
Then finally a model with slightly golden color on the cheeks, matte rose lips, dark mascara and eyeliner accentuating her eyes.
Donna smiled, taking the magazine. "That's the one."
" Really?" Rachel beamed, coyly. "I think that's my favorite, too."
"You're going to look stunning," Donna sipped her wine, looking at her friend. "Even if you go with the first one and change your dress to Sandra Bullock's pink long tube in Miss Congeniality."
Rachel laughed out loud, letting her head fall back on the couch, hand pressing her stomach as she felt she'd been avoiding a bathroom break for too long. Donna laughed with her, until tears wet her eyes, and the more they looked at each other, their non-verbal conversation sharing the real feelings they hadn't discussed that evening, Donna's realization came crashing down that her tears weren't due to how funny her joke had been. So as their laughs subsided, her words came as a cathartic moment, cutting Rachel's joy abruptly.
"I kissed him."
It took Rachel a second to grasp the heaviness of what she heard.
"What?" she whispered to confirm.
"I Just...I had to know," Donna added, closing her eyes at the memories.
"To know what?"
She could easily read Rachel's face, a bit of eeriness and affection definitely there, reflecting a trust in her that made the words leave Donna's mouth when she never ever thought she'd say it.
"That I'm still in love with him," she added, looking up, and to her surprise, Rachel's gentle reply felt more like one of her own.
"Finally," she said, resting her hand on her friend's. "I bet it feels good to say that out loud."
Donna smiled, wiping her left cheek. "He came over a few nights ago."
"He did?" It was hard for Rachel to hide the anxiety. "What happened?"
"The same thing that always happens. I pressed him, he said some...nonsense, then he left," Donna sighed loudly.
"Did he kiss you back?" it wasn't the lawyer in Rachel, it was the friend that made her know exactly what to ask.
Donna shrugged, trying to minimize the flutter in her stomach. "It doesn't matter."
"Oh, it matters!" Rachel reacted. "Did he?"
"Rach, I know he hates this, because I kissed him while he's committed to someone."
"He doesn't hate it. He can't hate you. Maybe…"
"Maybe what?" Donna asked, slightly annoyed at her friend's ability to look at things through a rose colored glass.
"Maybe he's annoyed at himself exactly because of that!"
Donna scoffed, dismissing her friend's comment.
"He's annoyed that he's committed? Rachel, you're too naïve to be a lawyer sometimes…"
"Hey!" Rachel interjected. "Well for your infor..." Rachel began to say but stopped herself, realizing sharing what Mike had told her was not the best plan. But her inability to lie to her friend had prompted the jab in the first place. "Nevermind."
Donna stared at her, not regretting her comment. "Spill!" she ordered.
"He told Mike... he said he was seeing her tonight," she added, shyly, not wanting to make her friend hopeful, but having to tame her own hope at the same time.
"Are you trying to make me upset?" Donna looked insulted, and Rachel immediately realized she had misunderstood her point.
"I meant that maybe he's taking care of business, as in breaking up with her. He told Mike he was seeing her tonight and when Mike said have fun, Harvey said it was going to be the opposite of that," Rachel spoke quickly, trying to recover.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Donna questioned, still looking upset.
"Because I didn't want you to make that face!" the brunette added, moving closer to her friend.
"Don't you see it? He said that when he left my apartment, that he had to take care of things and clearly he hasn't done it!" she yelled, her raised tone letting out a frustration that never got any easier.
She let her head fall on Rachel's lap. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'm not mad at you...it's me, I'm the one who was naïve...once again," she let out a shaky breath. "He said..he said he saw me and I thought that maybe this time…" Donna said as her face fell, tears freely leaving her eyes.
"Donna...he…" Rachel paused, a smile on her face, the sweetness in her voice always making everything easier. "Maybe he finally gets it."
The red head shook her head. "He doesn't. Because then we didn't speak again and for the millionth time, here I am, trying to make sense of...Harvey."
"I'm sorry, hun…" Rachel said, kissing Donna's head. "Just give…" she almost added, but Donna was faster, shooting up from her lap. "Please don't ask me to give him time, because God knows I've… I've wasted so much time and I'm…" Donna's voice broke as she closed her eyes, tears running down her cheeks, " I'm so tired, Rach."
Watching her friend cry, Rachel felt her own chest burn. The pain was so raw, the feeling so strong, it left her empty, looking for the perfect word to say, but all she could do was fill their glasses.
"I get it now," Donna managed to say, hands wiping the wetness on her face. "What is like to not be able to be near him, without being near him," she added, and Rachel recognized her own words when she and Mike were apart.
"I don't know how you were able to do that for so long, but honestly, one day this ...this arrangement between you two was doomed to fall apart." She pulled Donna for a hug. "Is there anything I can do to make you smile again?" she added innocently, handing her her glass.
"Yes," Donna said, grimly, pulling herself together. "Please tell me I've convinced you to keep your last name, there's only so much I can handle and having a Rachel Ross as best friend is not cool."
Wine came out of Rachel's mouth as she spit it on the couch, both of them laughing as they hurried to wipe it.
Mike figured watching a movie was the perfect plan for his night, that would give the ladies enough time to talk and he could finally catch that thriller Rachel refused to sit through. As the lights turned on announcing the end of the film, he reached for his phone to find 3 missed calls from Harvey. He pressed his friend's name and waited for him to pick up.
"Where the hell have you been?" Harvey sounded extremely annoyed.
Mike immediately knew this couldn't be good.
"I was at the movie theater on Times Square, what happened?"
"The movie theater? But I see the lights are on. Is Rachel with you?"
"No, she's ...I'm alone. What lights? Harvey, where are you?" Mike pressed, trying to understand.
"I'm in front of your building, so you're not home?"
"I will be there soon, Harvey, just...do not ring the buzzer, Rachel had a, uh, a headache. She's probably trying to sleep. Do not hit that buzzer!" Mike said as he jumped into a cab, hanging up and calling Rachel as fast as he could.
"Hey," Rachel answered, "Movie over?"
"Yea, is Donna still there?" he asked quickly.
"She's just about to leave, we're just…"
"Rach, whatever you do, do not let her leave right now! Harvey is downstairs!"
"What?" she asked, walking over to her bedroom to avoid Donna. "Mike, what am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, but he's waiting for me. I'll be there in ten minutes, just do something!" he said as he hung up, texting Harvey next to wait for him at the bar on the corner.
That shitty place? Can't we just come up and drink your scotch for a change? Harvey texted back.
Nah, I don't have scotch. Plus I shouldn't come up until she's asleep anyway...Mike lied. It was for the best.
Glad I wasn't the only one with a shitty night. I'll wait there. Harvey replied, walking over to the bar.
As Donna collected her purse and took her glass to the sink, Rachel knew she had to act fast. "Mike, you've got to be kidding me!" she pretended to yell at her phone, causing Donna to halt any further movement towards the door. Rachel came back to the living room.
"You're not gonna believe this!" she said.
"What happened?" Donna asked, concern taking charge and shifting her mood.
"Mike just asked if…" Think fast, Rachel, think fast! "...if he could ask Jenny to the wedding!"
"Jenny? Who's jenny?" Donna asked, trying to follow her friend as she paced to the other side of the apartment.
"Travis's Jenny...you know...the one I saw wrapped on Mike's sheets…" Donna was the actress, but Rachel sure didn't fall short after the stunt she was pulling.
Donna's mouth fell open. " You're kidding?"
"I'm gonna kill him...I need more wine…" she added, hopeful, praying her white little lie would do the job.
Donna sighed loudly, looking at the time. "Let's go with the cab, then. And if you want I'll talk some sense into Mike tomorrow."
Rachel smiled, relieved it had worked and trying to discreetly look out the window.
About 20 minutes later, Mike walked in the bar to see Harvey turning a tumblr over to the bartender. "Number 2 already?" he said as he sat on the stool next to his friend.
"Number 3," Harvey answered. "Thanks for meeting me."
"I needed a drink, too," Mike replied. "What got to you?" he didn't wait to ask.
Harvey stared at his new glass, swirling the liquid as he figured the best way to say what he needed. "I'm a goddamn idiot, Mike."
The younger lawyer couldn't help but chuckle. "You know, I've been waiting for the moment you'd announce that, but it doesn't feel nearly as good to hear it as I thought it would," he refrained from joking further. "What did you do?"
"More like what I didn't do," Harvey began to explain. "I didn't stop her."
"Stopped who?" Mike said, signaling to the bartender to bring him the same drink, not paying too much attention to Harvey's drunk musings.
"Donna," Harvey answered, every letter of her name sucking 5 years of life out of him. "She kissed me. She kissed me and I..." the confession forced Mike to stare at his friend over his shoulder.
"You didn't stop her," Mike added, letting him know it was clear now what this late night drink was about.
"Then tonight...I couldn't do it. I wanted to but I couldn't. I chickened out."
" Chickened out? Harvey what are you…" Mike questioned, his mind wondering if anything had happened and his plan wit Rachel hadn't worked.
"Paula," he interrupted, turning his head to look at his friend. "I couldn't break up with her. I wanted to. I was going to."
"Ah, I see. I hadn't realized you switched women mid sentence," Mike pushed, his patience slipping out as fast as the alcohol went in.
"I deserve that," Harvey took it, continuing his inebriated tale. "I got to her place, she had made dinner and she looked so happy, she had no idea what was coming. She was just innocently chatting and I...I sat, and ate, and kissed her."
Mike sipped the rest of the amber liquid before he had the chance to throw it on Harvey's face.
"I stayed there pretending the whole night, pretending to care about what music she put on, about brussel sprouts, about the stupid wine. It was just one more night and I've been pretending for so long I'm fucking great at it," Harvey added, bitterly. "Then I lied saying I had work to do and I left."
Mike thought of the words he said to Donna earlier that night, how she looked before he left his apartment.
"You're right," he added harshly. "You're an idiot."
Harvey locked his jaw and stared at Mike, his pride momentarily taking the best of him.
"You go ahead and pretend night after night, Harvey. Like you said, you're a pro at it. But being a pro at pretending makes you a fucking coward, Specter. That's the worse in you," Mike laid the truth without pity.
"You know what?" Harvey raised his voice, causing the bartender to look at them. "We're done here."
"That's what you should have said to your girlfriend, not to me. But go ahead and practice," Mike snapped.
The comeback was too good even for Harvey. He just stood silently, and Mike didn't stop there.
"You want someone to feel bad for you? Feel bad because instead of ending it, you chose to continue to pretend? You're not pretending just to Paula or just to yourself, Harvey. What you don't see is that you are pretending to someone else. Someone I happen to care a lot about. So I feel bad for her, not you. You lie to her every day that you are not with her. You pretend and you lie every hour that you hide your feelings, that you try and show commitment to another woman that's not her, that you sleep on another woman's bed..."
"I'm a cheater, Mike!" Harvey's loud voice echoed through the closed off space of the pub. "I'm a coward, yes, but she made me a cheater..."
"She didn't make you shit, Harvey!" Mike cut him off. "She made it possible. Donna made it real."
Harvey swallowed, intimidated once again. His mind tried to work comebacks, tried to focus on hating Mike's smartass, but it only took seconds til it succumbed to hopelessly trying to hang tightly to the few logical branches he'd made himself believe in. He'd held firmly to avoidance, ignoring what could be actual love, love in all its power and irrationality, in all its insecurities and bliss. That love and all that it should have been against what it could possibly be. The love his fear had always tamed.
He looked down, defeated as he sat there accepting Mike's words as a heavy reality he'd avoided for way too long. They sat in silence, Mike taking a swig of his drink as he cooled down, trying to focus on the highlights of the Knicks game.
"I'm just scared shitless of everything I now see..." Harvey said in a barely audible voice. "...Everything I can now almost…"
"Almost is not it. Doesn't get either of you anywhere. Almost is what you've had for 13 years," Mike said, finishing his own drink in one gulp.
Harvey took a swig, nodding. "The minute I break up with Paula, it's possible. It's real."
"I hope so. But you gotta shoot the big shots, man. Paula is great, I get it, I bet it's comfortable with her. But she's a free throw. Donna is..."
"Yeah," Harvey chuckled. "And it's going to sound fucking pathetic when I tell her it's not about who she is," he whispered as he pulled his phone and texted Paula, saying he needed to talk and no, he couldn't wait for another chance.
Is this about Donna?
Harvey read her reply and shoved his phone back in his pocket, gulping the rest of his drink.
"But I'm guessing she already knows it's about who she's not," he said as he threw Mike a hundred dollar bill and walked out of the bar.
Mike waved to the bartender for the check and glanced at the tv, noticing the knicks had won, Porzingis hitting 6 three point shots.
