Hey everyone,

I know I take forever to post, I'm sorry, but I don't always have the inspiration or the time. I only write when these two align.

This is the beginning of the end.

I hope you're still here and if you are, please leave me a comment. They're greatly appreciated.

Hope you like it!

3

B.

Happened

She split the Xanax in two equal pieces and flipped half of it in her mouth, knowing she'd have to get up in just a few hours. Not much time left to sleep. She let the pill slide under her tongue, tasting the bitterness and feeling it slowly melt. Finally laying on her empty bed, her muscles twitched as she hit the cold sheets, just as uninviting as the flashbacks she continued to have. In desperate need of relief, she tried hard to fall asleep, to push away each memory of twenty years ago, wanting them to be buried back where they laid dormant for so long.

Donna had done it once; tamed the wild horses that inhabited her mind, locked up her feelings and faked the best out of an image until she made it, all the way to legal secretary. Actually, all the way to COO. She had completely reinvented herself, how dreadful it was to be on the verge of having to do it again. 'I'll go to Canada,' she remembered her backup plan, "buy a farm, ride a horse and teach theater at a local school," she assured herself that she could do anything she put her mind to it. Granted, she'd have to cash in on luck not to have her life sprawled on the first pages of newspapers. Or hope that Canada was far enough. They had no case, and add to that the high chance his anger reaction could absolutely destroy them, it was safer to try to stipulate how many days of work she would have left. She let out a long breath, having cried enough for a day, and turned her pillow to lie on the colder side of it.

Her eyes closed slowly as she went back in search of those specific days when life changed course, and wondered if she could have avoided them. In over 4 decades, there had been lots of decisive moments, those that made her halt and wonder what choices got her where she was now, whether they were hers or not. Her father's financial troubles, her parents' divorce, the first play, moving away from where she had grown up; reinventing herself was a freaking trademark. Changes were the only constant. In the end all she wanted to know was how this absurd movie that was her life would have played out, if only, and that goes against the nature of choices. You don't get to know what you missed.

In all truth, this time she didn't want to reinvent herself because she felt she had finally found her path. Meeting Harvey had been the moment, Donna knew. The one decision she could never regret, the one day she would always want to get to. Here she was, awake at 3:00 am, staring at her ceiling and thinking of him. Harvey now occupied her brain like an vaccine to a life she wished to heal from. Him, and hoping he would walk through her door. She hugged the pillow he had borrowed, eyes closing as she smelled his scent on the fabric.

Funny thing, though, she had always been sure she was fully responsible for their first encounter, drink number one and that initial handshake. To her, they had all been her doing, the checkmate move she used to beat fate. She let out a shaky breath that was a pure mix of laughter and sorrow, because "my God," she thought, "I didn't even stand a chance."

His presence had the power of a tide-turning rip current that pulled her in to the deep end, she was just as far in when she thought she'd be out, and how innocent did she have to be to think she had the reins in this relationship. Harvey felt like the weight of a ton of bricks, and the relief of breaking a car just in time to avoid a crash, at the same time. He gave just enough to suck her right in and too much to anchor her regardless of her will. She had tied her heart in a suffocating yet sweet devotion.

It wasn't really a careful decision.

Harvey Specter happened to her, and he had to have happened forever.

xxx

He made her. He had hired her and worked her into being the best legal secretary New York City had ever seen. He had taught her, dressed her, networked her, created her. All the way to COO, her power, respect and fortune carried his name.

She carried his name to a certain extent. 'A short one,' he scoffed to himself.

'No, Harvey, I'm in this position because I fucking earned it,' he had heard her loud and clear that day, and her voice would always play on repeat each time his pompous ass dared to think she hadn't. His current thoughts sounded like the biggest bullshit now, just like they did 13 years ago, and if Mike or Louis heard him they'd say his masculinity was as frail as a flower petal. He stepped on the gas as if it were possible go faster and leave his thoughts behind.

Except Donna never left his mind, he should have learned that by now.

How convenient it had been to deny her power. It was actually imperative he did, a matter of survival his boyish ego demanded. Donna was ready from the start, and Harvey was threatened. All he could do back then was to keep her at arm's length, just close enough to not give himself away completely since the first time he got a scent of her perfume on her neck, on that day he went inside her apartment and should have never left. It wasn't just about how she looked, although that had certainly played a part, he felt it, slightly pulling on his pants where it mattered. She was so much more. She had made him. Deep down, as buried as something could get, he knew he never stood a chance, and as much as it was a completely un-Harvey like thing to admit, he did not have the upper hand, had never had any control and if he were really honest with himself, he actually owed her everything.

He felt empowered by her, and not the other way around. In fact, he chuckled at how his will crumbled to ashes like a burning piece of paper if the subject was a fiery redhead. She was more, better, smarter, from the night she eyed him in that bar and he felt his chest tighten in a premature heart attack, to currently driving 100 miles per hour on the interstate, he knew he'd never be the same man. On every issue, every maybe, every problem, she was his certainty. On every win, every half a million earned, every letter of Specter on the wall, it should also say Paulsen.

"Like I could have chosen not to…" he began to say it out loud, '...love her,' his mind continued in silence, betraying him, but it felt so goddamn good to be her hero. She had saved him from himself, it was only fair. It was all love, blind and possessive and fragile. It was all her.

xxx

Her phone buzzed twice, making her wince, not fully out of an unconscious state. She drifted back to sleep, for a minute or five, until two new buzzes startled her again. She stretched her arm and grabbed the phone from the night stand, ready to lash out on whoever decided to text her this early.

"Were you able to sleep at all?"

Rachel. Of course. She'd been probably waiting to text her for hours. She'd hate her if she could.

"Have you heard anything from him?"

No, she responded to herself and then proceeded to double check her phone for any missed calls or messages from him. Nothing.

Donna figured she'd actually type her answers to her friend, realizing the time displayed on the screen. 8:00 am. Shit. She couldn't remember the last time she was that late for work.

"He hasn't texted or called", she managed to send it before shooting Rachel another text, a demand for a subject change without the rudeness of the night before. "Please tell Louis I'll be there soon."

She jumped in the shower as quickly as possible, a bun holding her hair up since she wasn't going to have time to wash it. Nothing that dry shampoo couldn't fix it.

The weather report on tv announced the bitter cold week the East Coast was enduring. Very fitting, she thought, streets are gonna look like just how I feel. Not one for pantsuits, she hesitated but ended up pulling black trousers from her closet. A dress wouldn't cut it in the sleety 13 degree mess outside. It was easy enough to match, blouse and a blazer and she would be good to go.

Luckily in the dead of winter her freckles didn't show that much, she didn't have to really worry about hiding them. But the dark circles under her eyes looked bluish on her fair skin, being the first thing that got her attention when she looked in the mirror. She took a deep breath, and began to cover up the past hours.

She would be ready in another five minutes, so calling the uber now was a plan to push herself out the door before she let the discouragement take over. It was just her luck that the soonest a car could be available was 20 minutes. Freaking New York City in the snow, she muttered under her breath. Then an idea popped up and she probably wasted longer than she should fighting it. Convincing herself it was a professional decision, Donna texted Ray, thinking he could be at the parking garage close to the firm. Maybe he just dropped Harvey off? She could at least see if he happened to be around Midtown, meaning a few blocks from her place.

It is, quite literally, the middle of the city Harvey, she used to say when he tried to understand why she lived there. Ray's response cause a sting in her heart. "Still home, Ms. Paulsen. Haven't heard from him since last night." This hadn't been about getting a ride at all. It was when she saw Rachel's text from half an hour ago, finally reading it. "Don, It's Saturday."

Her image on the mirrorlookedpathetic, makeup and hair done, blazer on one hand and phone on the other, and now nowhere to go. She exhaled loudly and plopped herself on her bed, feeling even more unprepared for her day. The weekend was here and she didn't even realize it. At least she wasn't late, Louis wouldn't ask questions she didn't know the answer to. Brilliant, Donna. She kicked her heels back towards the closet.

It didn't take long for the relief wave she had felt to turn into a whole ocean of anxiety. Free time wasn't exactly what she needed at the moment, work would have kept her mind busy. She technically could go in, though nothing was that urgent that couldn't wait until Monday. Well, she snickered at the irony of her thoughts. Nothing except her own career, her reputation, the name of the firm, just to name a few. Surviving the fact they hired a fraud had been hard enough, wait til they found out they hired a fraud and a stripper. Indeed, comic if not tragic, the phrase ran through her. If she already hated even the slightest assumption that she had slept her way up, once the entire country could see her pictures in lingerie, that would no doubt be in everyone's minds. And drawers. And bathrooms and waiting rooms.

Unfortunately it was too early for wine, she figured a hot coffee could help ease her doomed thoughts. Once she reached for the grounds, she spotted her favorite mug tumbled over in the sink. The night he made her promise to fight came back to her, the memory of the kiss inevitably following. "We can fight this, but I need you," she heard his voice again, and couldn't help but to think she was the one that needed him. There was an essential loneliness that burned tighter in her chest now that she knew what she had sought.

xxx

This was definitely not the best of his plans. The yard was quieter than he remembered but the weather was probably responsible for some of the emptiness. It's not like people would sit on the benches, or even on the grass, as sleet mixed with the old dirty snow already on the ground. He figured he would walk to Austin Hall, it'd be better to find an excuse being there. He grabbed his phone to look up if he'd walk left or right, it had been way too long since his time, but before he unlocked the screen, Harvey noticed the day under the time. Saturday. He bit the inside of his cheek, controlling his anger. It's freaking Saturday, he thought, his next step completely unknown at this point. No wonder no one is around. Brilliant, Harvey. The weekend was here and he didn't even realize it.

If the universe really sent us clues, Donna would say this was a giant red hexagon right in front of his face. Too bad he didn't believe in them. The usual sense of rationality kicked in, making him think practically. That was Harvey at his best, beating the odds, moving past the stop signs without caution. Walking to his car instead, he retrieved the magazine from the back seat. As he opened it to the pages of his article, her email was there, just as he thought it would be, so he chose his words carefully to denote a casual tone, unlike his actual clear intent.

"I'm in town until tonight.

Meet me at The Sinclair, 7PM.

Need to discuss something with you.

H. Specter"

Sent.

Now it was a matter of time.

The thought was to look professional, but somewhat playful. It was useless to pretend not to be attracted by him, he was incredibly handsome, whether it was the age difference or the power. It was probably both, together with the jawline and the suits. He made her sweat.

Getting his email had been the biggest surprise of the week, probably of the semester, and any chance to keep riding the tide of her article was worth it. Classmates had asked her how he was, chased her around school, curious about the offices, interested in the off record comments. It was glory for a girl who desperately wanted to make herself independent from her father's money.

Getting closer to him was a one-time chance.

"You made it," he feigned the broadest smile. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Uh...sure," she replied, not without Harvey noticing the hesitation.

"You don't tell me anything I shouldn't know and I won't end up in jail for it, how's that?" he raised an eyebrow and offered her a seat, asking the waitress for a cabernet and single malt, neat, because this night had to be over as soon as he had what he needed.

"I was very surprised when I saw your email, Mr. Specter," she offered the information and the thought that immediately followed was that he felt the same way.

The pronoun of choice made him feel old...much older, because he was, at least compared to her. "Harvey," he corrected her.

"What brought you back to school?" she said with a smile. A very likeable girl, sweet, leaning over the table in a semi provocative way, but the arms crossed in front of her spoke on her need of protection.

"A case," and his response could not have been less than well thought of, a sign of his lack of preparation. "But let's not talk about my work…"

"Because you can't", she finished for him, naming attorney-client privilege as the reason. She, wanting to show off and he, glad that she gave him the out.

"You said you needed to discuss something," she spoke again, mentally cursing herself for the bubbling anxiety that made her talk too fast. But she had spent hours wondering if anything on the article was wrong, if she said anything she shouldn't have, there was only so much a girl could take.

"First I need to say thank you," he sipped his drink, wetting his vocal cords to continue. "For my article. It was really nice to be back on those pages, and it's all thanks to you."

One compliment and she blushed. He breathed a bit easier, confidence rising above the doubts of the chosen method.

"Second, I'd like you to thank you friends at the Business Review, for the profile on Donna. She was really happy with it and frankly, she needed it," he added, driving the conversation to an even more personal level.

"Did she send you?" Jen asked, eyebrow raised as she pried carefully.

He shook his head. "She doesn't know I'm here," he purposely confessed, feeling forced to open a can of worms.

"I probably shouldn't ask...but should she know you're here?" she used her tongue to wipe the wine on her lips and Harvey looked right at it. The plan was exactly to let her believe he noticed her tactics, make her feel noticed on many levels.

Donna should know where he was and what he was doing. She should show up and drag him out of that bar, slap his face to make him realize how stupid this was, how low he had gone. She should yell he wasn't this kind of man, make it clear she did not intent to share a bed with an unscrupulous player. She probably would do all that, but it would be done by then.

"She's my coworker, not my wife, if that's what you're asking," he smirked.

"I'm sorry," she lowered her gaze. "I thought your request to get her a profile was unusual, figured it was very telling..." she really went there, a shrug right after her words to fake casualty.

"I'm a man who knows how to recognize a woman's value," he cut her off from the Donna subject, that had definitely backfired. This conversation had to be about Jen feeling special. "Which is the third reason that brought me here."

Probably under twenty, it was his next realization. Sure, he had had his encounters with girls not that much older, but the intent for deception wasn't the trigger.

Her eyes lit up.

"Okay," she said, taking a sip of her wine. " Is it business, or is it personal?"

This time the shame was overwhelming. He let his chin turn slightly towards his chest, his look moving to a napkin on the table.

Luckily Jen was not good at reading people like Donna. Not even close.