Severus's p.o.v.
After pouring myself another glass of whiskey, I lay back on my green chair and continue observing Lily's photo. I still remember the first time I saw her. Her sister was calling her a freak when Lily used magic in front of her. I remember her eyes and the look of loneliness she gave me. I knew that feeling a little too well. I remember how happy I was when we found out that we're both attending Hogwarts. She knew nothing about the school so I told her stories that I heard, making her more exited every day. I remember the feeling that consumed me the moment the sorting hat placed her in Gryffindor. We where at the same school, same place but for me, it felt like we where miles apart. Looking back, she never showed any feeling for me except friendship. She looked at me like I was her brother while for me, she was my light ...the only good thing I had in it. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she never met James. Would I stand a chance? Would things played out differently? Before, I thought that they would but now, I know they wouldn't. It just wasn't meant to be. I was never the one. The moment she had to choose between me and Potter, she choose him. Even if I never called her a mudbloood, eventually she would have picked him and we would go our separate ways.
Laughter interrupts my thoughts. I stand up, mentally cursing students that have to be so loud. Looking out the window, I see Evelyn laughing at Thor as he tries to explain something to her, I guess. Her hair is tied back, only a few strains framing her face perfectly. Her only similarity to Lily are green eyes. That's it. They are opposites in every way possible. Maybe not opposites but very, very different people. I think about what Albus has told me a week ago. Should I talk to her? Is there a point in doing that? Do I have actual feelings for her or is it just my mind playing tricks on me, being now fed up with thoughts and memories of Lily.
Rubbing my face, I realize that I need to sort this out with myself. The confusion is making my drinking habit a little too serious now, and I feel that I'm slowly loosing control. Even this room, that was once my sanctuary, is making everything harder. I need to get out of here so I do the only thing that I'm good at ...make a potion. An animagus potion. Transforming into anything else rather than what I am right now will give me the ability to have peace and be on my own in this castle filled with people.
X X X
"What are these?", Thor asks Evelyn, holding something in his hands.
"Earbuds.", she tells him.
"That doesn't answer my question.", he tells her and she smiles, "Let me show you."
She pull out an MP3 and music starts to play silently, coming out of the earbuds.
Thor drops them on the ground, taking a few steps backwards, "What kind of sorcery is this? There are people stuck in those things, Evelyn! We need to help them!"
Evelyn raises her hands, stopping him from using his hammer, "No one is stuck in there Thor. It's a device for music. You know, like in S.H.I.E.L.D. we have radios. This is some sort of a radio but instead of playing music out loud, it connects to the earbuds and music goes trough them."
He looks at her skeptically but lowers his hammer, "That makes sense ...I guess."
She picks up the earbuds and hands them to Thor, "Go on, try them."
Thor puts the earbuds in his ear and Evelyn starts the player.
I've been drinking my animagus potion every two days and, turning into a raven, fly to forbidden forest, finding my peace in the cold woods. Fall stripped a lot of trees from their leafs and gave this part of the forest a spine-chilling, mysterious but dreamy look. Colorful leaves are floating around the small lake while steam fog glooms above it. Gray clouds and fog that knits around the tall, naked trees give me the perfect feeling of reality and calmness, exactly was I long for.
I have seen Evelyn and Thor quite a lot around here but usually they just pass by, walking towards Hagrid's hut. She always wears the same grey coat with a Gryffindor scarf wrapped around her neck. If I'm close enough, I can smell her perfume, mixed with fresh air that fills my lungs. The perfume is strong, oriental and reflects her personality well. It amazes me how her physical appearance doesn't match her character. She looks fragile, her oval face is pale, jawline gently curved and her high cheekbones are light pink. Her green eyes are upturned and her upper lip is heavy, fuller.
"So, what do you think?", she asks Thor as he hands her the earbuds.
He smiles, "I like it."
She smiles back, "Great! We can use them while running."
Thors smile turned from happy to melancholic, "This song is Jane's favorite."
"Really? I didn't know that, I'm sorry.", she tells him, tilting her head.
He waves his hand and smiles awkwardly, "It's okay."
"Do you ...still ...love her?", Evelyn asks.
"I care for her deeply, and I always will."
"Why did you two split?"
He pushes his lips together, playing with his hammer, "I always thought that being a God is the best thing ever. You are strong, independent, immortal, until I met her and realized that we are not equal. She has her job that she loves and I have mine. I vowed to protect Midgard and every other realm and she as a human couldn't find her purpose on Asgard. That was the reason she decided that the best for us is to go our separate ways. Me fulfilling my destiny as a God and her living her life without a burden. And I'm not mad at her, I understand ...truly, I do ...but sometimes I wish there was a way."
She nods, "I understand."
He gives her a fake smile, "We all have our luggage, I guess."
"Yea, we do."
He looks at her, "What about you?"
She frowns, "What about me?"
"You where pretty mad when you found out that Severus was a death eater."
"I was, yes."
"Have you ever told him how you feel?", he asks.
"I'm not sure that I know how I feel. It's complicated. I'm not here to fall in love or start a relationship, I'm here because we have a mission."
"Well, I didn't expect to fall in love when I came to Earth ...but I did. Feelings don't ask or have a specific timing, they just happen."
"Unfortunately.", she sighs.
"Are you in love?", he asks.
She shrugs, "I don't know, didn't think about it much."
He smiles, "Liar. You always overthink, just like your brother. It runs in the family."
"Okay, then my overthinking didn't provide me with any useful informations. Besides, caring for someone who loves someone else is pointless."
He frowns, "I don't understand."
"For example ...you still love Jane. If I fell in love with you, it would be pointless."
He walks towards her, "Now now, I said I still care for her, not that I still love her. Those are two different things. If you have feelings for Severus, that doesn't mean you don't care about Steve anymore, does it?"
"Well, no."
"I understand that me and Jane can't be together. It's just not meant to be. Do I feel sorry sometimes? Yes I do but that doesn't mean I can't find someone I will be happy with. Jane will always have a spacial place in my heart but I know when it's time to move on. That doesn't mean I will love my future wife less than Jane, it means that I will always cherish her memory but won't sacrifice my happiness for something that's just not meant to be. If it was good, it would have lasted. But it wasn't and it didn't."
"The difference between you and him is that you understand that and he doesn't ...probably never will. Besides, I don't want to be no ones rebound or anything similar. I'm on a mission and let's just focus on that.", she explains, touching the lake with the tip of her boot.
"You know what's best for you.", he tells her and they walk away, changing the subject.
I thought long and hard about their conversation. A year ago, letting go of Lily was never an option. Rationally, yes, I always knew my obsession with her memory was my biggest downfall but after everything that happened, I deserved that. That was my punishment, a perfect one. But lately ...I'm sick of that. I'm sick of constantly being in an emotional prison. It's like my brain is fighting for survival, telling my emotions that it's enough. I have a feeling that I'm in a toxic relationship with myself. Part of me wants to move on while another wants to be miserable for the rest of my life. And the fact that I don't know how to function in any kind of relationship doesn't help my case. So, is moving on really a smart thing to do? I feel like I would only be a burden to whoever I am with, especially Evelyn. She's young, beautiful, smart, independent, she can be with whoever she wants ...why would she ever settle for someone who's been emotionally unavailable for so long?
X X X
"I've talked to Lucius ...arranged a meeting.", I inform Albus.
"When?"
"Two weeks. They're visiting someone in Russia right now."
"Did you mention anything to him?", he asks and I shake my head, "No. I want to see his face when I do that."
"Wise.", he comments, standing up from his chair.
"I hope he will provide any kind of useful informations."
"Did you inform Evie or Thor about this?"
"No.", I say after a few seconds.
"Why?"
"I will talk to them when my job with Lucius is over.", I say.
"You have to start trusting them. If you don't, we could have a problem. Evelyn wasn't too happy about us passing over the fact that you where once a death eater, or that Tom still thinks that you are ...more secrets could just raise more unnecessary tensions. We don't want that.", he explains.
"Evelyn's perfervid character has tendencies to raise unnecessary tensions.", I say and he smiles, "She does have a rock strong, stubborn personality. Like someone else I know.", finishing, he looks at me.
"I wouldn't call us alike."
"It's always hard to see clear inside a storm."
"My class begins soon. I have to go.", I say and Albus nods, "Have a good day Severus."
X X X
I take a deep breath before knocking three times on Evelyn's door. After waiting for a few seconds, I realize that she's not in. I walk towards the room of requirement, assuming she's training with Thor but after I get there, I see it's empty. Turning around, I rush towards my storage, deciding that, since it's not raining and it's a little bit warmer, I should drink my potion and head towards the forbidden forest. As I go trough bottles of potion, I realize that the bottle where I keep the polyjuice potion is empty. It's the third time I've noticed that. Someone is stealing it, I'm sure of that now. Maybe Potter and his friends? God knows what they're up to again. Drinking my animagus potion, I decide to deal with Potter later.
Landing on one of the trees, I see Evelyn training by the lake, alone. I've never seen a person practicing with a sword so her moves do seem kind of silly to me but at the same time her moves are coordinated and firm. Her face is serious, she's frowning a little actually, probably lost in her thoughts. The temptation of wanting to know what she's thinking takes over and I pears in her mind, carefully so she won't figure it out. At first, memories and thoughts fly around and seem to be all over the place. In one moment, I see myself, actually I see her memory of us talking and drinking. Then the scene moves forward to the moment Thor told her that I was the death eater they where looking for.
"What?", she asks in shock.
"Hagrid mentioned his name and Loki recognized it.", he tells her carefully.
"Is he a hundred percent sure?", she asks and he nods.
She shakes her head, rubbing her face with her hands.
"Are you okay?", Thor asks.
"No, I'm not okay! I'm done with all the secrets! I feel like an idiot. I told him about my parents, about what happened to me and he threw me under the buss!", she speaks in frustration.
"Maybe he had a reason.", he tells her and she laughs sarcastically, "Oh, I know the reason, I'm not stupid."
"Talk to him after he gets out of the hospital."
"I'm going to talk to him right now.", she turns and starts pacing toward the castle.
Thor rushes and grabs her arm, making her turn to face him, "Not like that, not now. I know you're angry and hurt but it's not the time nor place to have this conversation. You're going to act out of anger and feel bad afterwards. Please, wait."
I notice her moves getting more aggressive and fast. She's angry at me, at what happened. And she's hurt. I could see it in her eyes ...the same pain I saw in Lily's when we had our argument. I feel like I've failed yet another person I care about. Why do I do that? At first, as much as I was scared at her reaction, I knew it was for the best. She would push me away and I would't have to face the feelings I feel towards her but now I'm having second thoughts. I have a chance to move on and I'm letting it slip away. My reason for that was Voldemort but I can keep a closer look on her if she's closer to me. If Voldemort didn't realize that I'm a double agent, he isn't going to realize this.
Lily and I never stood a chance, no matter what happened between us. She choose someone else and she would do that in any scenario. Life is offering me another chance and if I don't take it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
