#2

His Song...

It's been a week and some days since I saw Emma

3, I think.

It's kinda hard to tell though

But I think it's been 3 days anyway.

"Princess! The line ain't gonna wait for ya!"

I hear some jackass behind me scream and I realize that the line is moving.

I step up to the guy, Jackson, they call him,

"Any letters?" I say huffily.

He looks at me with his baggy, tired, sickly eyes,

"Nope. No letters, no packages, nothing."

And some guy shoves me out the way before I have time to sigh with disappointment.

I thought Emma would've written me by now...

I guess I was wrong.

I keep thinking about her

And the way she smiled at me when I last saw her,

I mean, I thought...

Well, I guess I thought wrong...

Emma Nelson, didn't forgive me.

Prison gates won't open up for me

On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'

Oh, I reach for you

"Any letters Seanny!"

The guy in the cell next to mine,

Benji, says as the prison guard walks me back to my cell.

"Naw," I say simply, shrugging

"Awww! Too bad!" he taunts

And I can almost smell his putrid breath through the bars

As he laughs, cackles loudly, holding his sides,

Starting a chain reaction as the rest of the guys start to laugh too.

"Whatever!" I manage to yell, just before the guard shoves me in my cell.

I sit down on the bed and rub my wrists.

I still have no idea why they put cuffs on me just to go get mail.

I'm not a murderer or something crazy like that.

I...I hit a guy, but he's not dead…

Aand it's not like I did it on purpose!

Whatever! I think, like I always do to get my mind of the shitty stuff.

I look around me at this room; if you can really call it that…

So small,

Feels like it's closing in on me...

I've always hated small spaces,

And I close my eyes trying to make myself believe that I'm not in here.

That I'm not in here for who knows how long...

But I've never been too good at pretending…

And all I see when I close my eyes is these same walls…

Dark, rough, hopeless…

Just like…

Me.

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

My face is getting hot and I rub my eyes roughly

I can tell that I'm about to cry, so I lay down on the bed

Turning my face towards the wall.

I learned pretty quickly in life that crying doesn't do shit for you.

I have no idea what these bastards in here would do if they saw me crying...

I try not to think about it...

I slip my hand under my pillow and pull out a small bottle.

I push it against my wet nose,

And breathe in the scent

Vanilla and Honey

Emma's shampoo…

Focus, focus, focus,

I think squeezing my eyes shut.

If I try really hard I can see her...

Feel her…

Her hair…

And that always makes it easier to remember that I have been somewhere else.

I have been someone else…

Whoever the hell I was before I came in here…

The guy they couldn't break…

The guy who always got back up.

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

Sean Hope Cameron

Kid who actually had hope...

If it weren't so damn depressing it'd actually be pretty funny to think about...

But when I open my eyes?

I remember that, now?

I'm just Cameron

Prisoner number 208791

Kid who ran over guy

And is paying for it with his sanity.

And the loss of the most important person in the world to him

The tear stings my face and the side of the bottle as it slides down

and I think

Emma,

All I need is you

I don't know what in the Hell is going on!

I thought she'd decided that...

I mean, she broke up with Peter

She gave me this shampoo bottle and said

"I thought it was the next best thing to actually being with me."

And now what am I doing?

Sitting here, with a bottle of freaking shampoo,

Wishing to high hell that I had her…

The real thing…

Come please I'm callin'

Emma,

I think and I slam the bottle against the wall.

Some guy across the way is staring at me through his bars.

"Whhhhhaatttt yyyyaaa dddddoooinnnggggg?"

He wails out all depraved and sickly

His voice turns my stomach.

"SHUT-UP!" I yell

Sick of him already

And sick of this helpless feeling...

No hope.

No…

Emma.

And oh I scream for you

I sit back against the wall and slam my fist against it.

It's the only thing I can do

Even though I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't see her soon...

Hurry I'm fallin'

"Whhhhattttt'ssss Wwwwrronnnggggg?"

The guy says and I just stare at him.

Instead of screaming I start to wonder,

How long has he been in here?

What? Did he go crazy from being in here?

I hear his sick laughter seeping through the bars and I shiver.

For some reason I start to think about what if he came here when he was young.

Not my age, but younger

Like...14 maybe.

What if he came here for something stupid and juvenile…

Like…beating up a guy or something…

And then, somehow, he just kept finding his way back?

I know a lot of guys like that,

Friends, I guess,

They come to jail and after that first time?

They just can't seem to stay out.

I usta think I'd end up just like 'em.

Usta think I was worthless...

Till...

Until Emma...

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

I lean back against the hard, cold wall

And put my head in my hands...

I was so...

I don't know what you'd call it

I guess I was just plain happy

To be back.

I thought I'd get my diploma,

Open up my shop,

And Emma would be right there

Finally.

I was so ready to stop acting like an idiot

And just tell her already

And have her tell me...

I love you...

Say it for me

I was changed;

I swear I was.

It was like...

Being gone for a year and a half?

Something just…

Clicked.

And all of a sudden, I knew

That nothing was worth it...

Nothing was worth…

Her...

I was going to give up that whole shitty attitude

So she'd realize that I was worth more than just what i always thought I was...

Show her that I was worth...

Her love...

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

But maybe, I realize

Maybe somewhere in that time

Between that year and everything that happened with us in the little bit of time I've been back?

She finally figured out that I'm not worth it.

Maybe she realized That if I was really dumb enough to come back,

Get in a stupid race with that jackass Peter,

And hit a guy?

Maybe I'm not actually worth her love.

Even thinking this shit is killing me,

And somewhere inside, I find the strength to walk over to the wall, where I busted the bottle,

And I pick it up carefully.

Holding the cracked bottle in my hands, I climb back into the bed

Emma didn't give up on me.

I think,

She...

She loves me...

Doesn't she…?

Say it if it's worth saving me

"Rise and Shine Angels!"

The guy screams and I try to figure out if he hit me in the head,

Or if my head is just throbbing like crazy,

Maybe it's a little of both.

I roll over and stare through these god-damn bars.

He's walking down the hall with his billy stick,

Trying to look tough.

Even though he's too short to be scary,

And too fat to be dangerous.

He sees me looking at him,

"I said RISE AND SHINE ANGEL!"

He yells and I sit up.

He walks past laughing and as he disappears I laugh too...

Angel? What a joke!

I'm no angel.

Never have been, never will be.

Emma Nelson? She's the angel...

But...

I can't get to her.

Never will be able to, I've finally realized…

I'm not worthy.

Heaven's gates won't open up for me

I'm sitting in a jail cell,

Deserve to be sitting in a jail cell.

While, Emma…

She's probably in school…

Studying hard…

Being…beautfiul.

Being…

Emma.

Providing some guy, who probably isn't even crossing her mind,

With something to hope for...

Even though he knows...

That he'll never make it.

Even if and when I do get out?

I'll be too messed up to try and deal with her again.

Somewhere in the middle of last night I realized

If I just leave her the hell alone?

Try to forget about her?

She'll be better off,

Able to move on,

And get past the piece of crap that is me;

Cameron,

Prisoner number 208791.

With these broken wings I'm fallin'

But still…

I can't stop thinking about her...

And all I see is you

Toronto, Canada,

"City of Dreams"!

I think as I trudge past the other guys into the cafeteria.

It's funny that I thought I'd be better off here.

And now here I am…

Slurping sludge,

Probably rat crap,

Next to some guy who smells like dead maggots

Toronto, Canada:

Hellhole.

I think,

I'd have been better off staying my ass in Wasaga.

These city walls ain't got no love for me

I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story

"Hey! You got a girl or something!" I hear some prison guard guy snorting.

And I look at him; realize he's talking to me.

My heart beats crazy fast.

Emma's here! I think,

Emma! I wanna scream...

And oh I scream for you

"Yeah! I mean…sort of. She's blonde. Is the girl blonde!"

The guy laughs and his buddy joins in laughing

I get a little angry, but not that much.

Even though I tried to convince myself that she hated me

I guess that little part of me still wanted her to not...hate me.

And I just ask, not even trying to disguise my how excited I feel.

"Emma! Is her name Emma Nelson?"

Come please I'm callin'

And all I need from you

"You tell me!" The guy says and his buddy starts laughing again

I frown now, don't mean to but do still.

I have no idea what the hell is so funny and I'm getting kinda tired of this bullshit.

Emma had better be here. I think...

Hurry I'm fallin'

"It's not funny, man." I say and the guy stops laughing, looking at me

He smiles a crooked crazy looking smile

"Look Princess, I don't know what the hell you think this is, but I'm trying to be nice to you. So you better just appreciate it."

"Yeah"

His buddy nods and I just stare at them both.

"Is she here or not?" I say and they stare at one another.

Maybe I'm being bold or something,

I don't give a shit

I need to know...

"You got balls." The guy says walking over to me and leaning down staring at me like I'm just so amusing.

I just stare back at him and say,

"Last time I checked."

The whole row of guys

And the guy's buddy, starts laughing and that makes him angry.

"Look, Princess-"

"Cameron!" I say stiffly

I know that I'll probably get some kinda "humanely distributed discipline"-the jail code word for beating the crap outta a prisoner-but, I don't care.

I think I sorta want him to try it actually.

And I wait for him to do something,

Come at me all crazily,

And I ball my fist knowing that if he does, I'm going try and knock the crap outta him.

Instead of trying to "discipline" me, he nods, a weird sort of smile creeps over his face and he says,

"Ok. Cameron. You're alright."

He taps his buddy on the shoulder and they both walk away.

I still have no idea what the hell that whole "you got a girl" thing was about.

"What is with that guy?"

I ask anyone.

"He always does that…"

The cruddy looking guy next to me says,

"He's a real sicko, and that's just his way of messing with the prisoners heads who haven't gotten mail."

"Oh," I say and stare down at the rat crap on my plate.

He is sick,

But it worked…

I guess I won't be eating this crud today...

Emma,

I think again as I trudge toward the little letter booth,

And that dumb feeling of hope slips back into my mind.

It always does...

When Snake came, it did.

When Jay told me she'd asked about me, it did.

But still…

She's never...

She still hasn't spoken to me

And probably doesn't want to...

But still…

As I turn the corner,

The hope is coming back...

Emma...

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

"Any letters?" I ask and almost walk away before I get the answer since I already know what it'll be.

And I know that if I hear it I might just lose it...

Hurry I'm fallin'

"Nope. No letters no packages, nothing..."

And I just shrug, like I don't care.

But, he's smiling like he gets some sick joy outta killing us...

With his dumb lifeless words...

Say it for me

Say it to me

I stand and stare at him for a moment before turning to walk away.

I walk quickly so that some guy won't shove me, cuz if he does?

This time?

I know I'm gonna shove his sorry ass back.

"Number 208791?" I hear somebody call

And it takes a moment to register that it's the lifeless letters guy...

Talking to me.

I turn back around and push my way in front of the other guy.

"What!" I ask angrily, pretty much ready to leap into his booth and choke him.

He stares at me like I'm so rude and then says, shrugging,

"Letter." and sticks it through the window.

I stare at it for a moment

I see Emma's name and I just...

I can't really believe it.

"LETTER!" he yells and I snatch it.

Feeling like If I don't it might disappear or something.

I sit in my cell and stare at it...

I have no idea why...

It can't do any good to wait any longer

Even if she's telling me that she's breaking up with-

Doesn't wanna be with me,

Or can't deal with me being in jail...?

It can't do any good just staring at it…

But I mean,

The fact that she even wrote me lets me know...

She still cares enough to tell me.

And just that's enough...

And I'll leave this life behind me

My hands are shaking a little

But I still manage to rip open the letter

Ready for whatever the hell,

I mean, I am in jail.

How much worse can things get?

She could tell you she can't deal with you,

That she's finally realizing that you're not worth her time

I think,

Paranoia sweeping over me,

Ok Cameron, I think

Chill out and just read it...

And I start...

Dear Sean,

How is it going? I know how dumb that sounds

but I hope it helps to know that I do care. Hell yeah it helps,

I know it'll help-or maybe I just think I know

-if you know that...I miss you. Thank God A lot. Yes!

I wish that...Well, I wish a lot of things Know what ya mean

but I really wish that you were here with me…

or that I was there with you...I laugh Well, not so much that second one. (I laugh louder and the guy next to me starts screeching)

(picture me laughing at my clever sarcasm). I picture her, laughing...I love this thought

But, Sean, seriously? I know this is no joke. I know it's...bad, ok?

But you gotta stay strong, ok?

I can't take thinking that you're not, Alright?

And, just so you know, I'm trying my best to be strong too. I sigh, If I didn't read any more just seeing this would be enough.

So...Degrassi is boring as usual; well, a little more boring than usual

without you there. But, I just keep reminding myself that you'll be back soon. Good.

And that's not boring. That's actually the best thing I've been able to think about in a long time.

So...I guess, we both have something to look forward to, huh?. Yeah, I think, smiling, We do.

By the way, My mom and Snake? They both said to tell you hi and that

they're waiting for you to get out too. Emma's parents; Godsends You saw Snake the other day though, right? I nod, like she can really see me

He told me he went to see you. How was he? Better than me As, Mr S.ey as usual, right? Mr S.ey? I think laughing at the made up phrase. Emma always says stuff like that. I laugh again.

You know, Sean? I've always meant to ask you...? ( Gulp, What the Hell?)

Why do you call everyone by there initials? "Mrs H"? "Mr S"? Hhmmm...I never really thought about it.

What is all that about, Mr C? I laugh.

Just kidding. It's cute, it's original (sort of).I guess we can just classify that as one of the many things that makes you…Sean. Only Emma would think that that is a good thing. God I love her!

It's 2 in the morning Sean,

And I'm sitting here, with nothing else to write but I can't seem to stop thinking about you.

I'm sorry I didn't write sooner-like the day after I saw you maybe, but, I just,

I couldn't think of what to say... That's cool.

and now that I am writing? I see that…

It seems like everything I thought I needed to say? You already know...

You do know, right? Yeah, I know. I know.

I sure the heck hope so Sean Cameron, because that's what's keeping me sane.

You're what's keeping me sane, Sean. I'm keeping you sane? You have no idea!

Just knowing that you'll get out and we'll be together.

I mean, knowing we'll be together-together cause, I'm with you already, Hell...she is.

ok? (Ok.)

However many days, weeks, or months this takes?

I'll be waiting for you when you get out.

I put the letter down and shake my head, Emma's actually waiting for me.

I hope to hell I'm not dreaming.

And I feel like crying, but I won't. I have to finish reading...

So, I just wanted to let you know that, I guess;

let you know that I'm here for you

If you need, and I'll be waiting for you when you get out.

Just remember, that I'm with you.

Love Always,

Reading this, I finally let a tear slither it's way down my face and it hits an already blurry spot right over the word "Love"

Did Emma cry when she wrote this? I wonder, but I don't really think about it.

Like our tears would really hit the exact same spot...

Emma

I lean back against the bed

The Vanilla scent of the letter filling up this stinking cell

I'm not sure what the hell to think.

I mean, I feel like I could bust out these freaking walls and sing!

Then I remember I can't sing-definitely can't bust out the walls-and my heartbeat slows up a little.

Instead of busting or singing, I smile, for what feels like the first time in weeks.

I know Emma, she didn't wanna write

"I Love You" cuz she thought it'd be too much.

She was probably right

But still…

I can't wait to hear her say it...

Or even just see that she's smiling and happy to see me.

Even if she just hits me and says something dumb like

"What took you so long Sean!"

It'll be enough.

Since Emma will be the one saying it

Any words from her?

My girl,

My Emma

Waiting on me…

Out there...?

Will be enough.

But I still hope the words will be...

I love you...

Sorta gives kid who hit a guy?

Kid who was about to give up…

Something

Something real,

To hope for.

Say it if it's worth saving me…