White Desire

Chapter 19

"Why are you always so quiet now, Tifa? You don't talk to me anymore... Don't you like me?" Marlene's voice sounded sad. She was growing increasingly worried about her companion, the one who she thought of as an older sister. The brunette constantly looked miles and miles away. Marlene wanted to be with her, wherever she was in that state of mind. How could she say that though? It would sound so strange, and she pictured it being something that a boy would say to her. Lately she had seen so much of Vincent and Cloud, and wondered if there was some type of conflict between the two. Could it be that those two boys were fighting over Tifa? Marlene wondered how she would feel if she was put in that situation.

The brunette's wine-hued eyes looked over the younger, paler face. Her companion looked so sad and Tifa began to damn herself for even causing that. She'd been so out of it lately that she had failed to see how she was impacting everyone's lives with her desires. Perhaps she really should have pressed Rufus for that vacation. Because then she could be there all of the times Marlene needed someone to hold her hand and Vincent wasn't present. A hand reached out and pulled the younger female into her arms affectionately. "I'm so sorry, Marlene. You're right. I have been acting so strange lately." She bent her neck and nuzzled the tip of her nose into her companion's silky chestnut-brown hair. "I will always love you as my younger sister. I will always like you in every way that an older sister can like her younger. You're my friend, Marlene, and I won't ever let that change."

The two were sitting in the church by the bar. It wasn't too far off and it was really a safe enough area that Marlene could go there by herself. Beneath them were the white lilies that Tifa was so fond of. The scent pulled her into a dream, one where she was far away. At night, she would fall into a slumber and dream of this place where she would find that female, that one girl she wanted to see more than anything, the only one she deemed as an older sister-- "Tifa! You're doing it again! What's wrong? What are you thinking about?"

The voice snapped the older female's back into reality. That was a bad habit to get into with anyone, but it would be much worse if in front of a child, especially one as impressionable as Marlene. She shook her head quickly to reassure her companion and then a smile crept over her lips. "I really don't mean to. I suppose I have a lot of my mind with Shin-Ra and the way Cloud and Vincent have been fighting a lot. I worry about the way things have been. I can't fix everything, and that's what concerns me. I wish I had the power to make everyone happy." She released the younger female and ruffled her hair gently. "It's impossible to make everyone happy, Marlene. Everything you do, everything you feel, say, and believe has a consequence, even if you don't see it or it doesn't involve you."

Marlene couldn't help but think something was a little off. At least Tifa had finally said a little about what was on her mind. Of course, she thought Shin-Ra's company might have something to do with it. She wondered what the older female had done to get them to let her go in the first place. It wasn't as though they had mistreated her. Everything she had told Tifa had been accurate. They were nice to her, those people in blue, although she thought the female one acted a little funny. And the red-haired boy was definitely funny. She pictured that being the type of boy she wanted to fall for. Denzel was cute and sweet, but he lacked that sense of humour that was needed for such things. Vincent and Cloud had disappeared from her mind for the moment. "Shin-Ra? The big place with the people in blue and the old man in white?" She tilted her head to the side and the eyelashes fluttered a couple of times.

Did she really just say what Tifa thought she'd heard? She just called Rufus an old man? For some reason, the elder began to chuckle and she plucked a single lily from the bed, holding it across where her heart lay. "Those people in blue are called Turks. They are employed by the Shin-Ra company to lighten the president's burden. And that man in white is President Rufus Shin-Ra. He's really not that old either. We all met him a couple years ago when AVALANCHE was still together. Even your father got to meet him. Of course, I'm sure you've seen how he feels about the company now." There was an apologetic shrug given. "It's...sad really. The Shin-Ra company...isn't all bad. I wish there was a way to get that across to the others. I mean...out of everyone, I think Vincent is the only one with optimistic thinking."

Little did she know that children had those unseen powers, the kind that allowed them to see into people's souls. Perhaps it was the power of being so pure, so innocent, that they were able to use the divine foresight to sense the good in all people, even those who had done the worst things. Very few adults retained this childhood gift, but those that had, more than likely allowed it to remain dormant. And so occupied Tifa had always been, that she did not realise, she too, had that talent. Marlene knew, though, that Tifa was different than the others. Everytime the young girl turned around, Tifa was trying to do something good that others could benefit from. Not once did she think of herself, even when she stated she was going to or she wanted to. Even now, the job at Shin-Ra was more of her way to keep the peace between the former resistance faction and the company. The others had not known that Rufus knew who Tifa was. Marlene was aware. "They just don't understand yet, Tifa." She squeezed her elder's hand and smiled up at her. "They do not know just how wonderful you are." And she was quiet for a few moments and then the most thoughtful expression fell over her face. "...When you saved me, what did you have to do? What did the president make you do?"

It was such an interesting question for the brunette to hear and she hadn't expected it at all. Tifa began to protest and then she quieted herself. She had been giving Marlene too little credit as well. She shook her head at the young girl and gave a rather secretive smile, not exactly something she often did with anyone. She hadn't even done anything of the sort to Rufus, although the temptation had crossed her mind a couple of times. "President Shin-Ra didn't ask for a single thing in return. I told him I would do anything, and he politely declined from accepting anything from me. I think it was the first time he didn't want something back." There was a rather fond look in her eyes when she remembered that day. He had seemed so kind and she thought there was something else in his gaze when she had left with Marlene. And it was the same gaze he had the entire night at the fund raiser. She hadn't thought too much about that night. At least, that's what she would have liked to say, but that wasn't true at all.

Marlene was quiet for a few moments, but she recognised that look. It was the same one she'd had when they had returned to the bar that day. Of course, Tifa laughed the situation off and the young girl began to notice that familiar pattern. Whenever the elder brunette was confronted by rather odd questions, first her cheeks would redden and then she would laugh. After talking to her friends, Marlene discovered that most people did that when they got embarrassed about something. Was Tifa embarrased? Of what, though? Shin-Ra? Working at Shin-Ra? The president perhaps? There was another look, however, one that implied some type of fancy. And Marlene knew that was another way of saying "crush". Then she began to speak with that familiar sing-song voice, the one where a child begins to mock someone. All adults heard it at least once in their life. "I know what it iiiiiiis..."

Tifa's left eyebrow began to twitch with irritation at that statement and she pushed Marlene over, who merely giggled happily. "You know whaaaaat? What are you talking about?" Every now and then, the two really did act like sisters. She couldn't help being curious over the young girl's thoughts. And the way she looked right now, Tifa was determined to get the details, the scoop, on what was going on. Her eyes studied the young girl carefully looking for a hint, somewhere in that look of glee she was given, and she thought she had found it, but she was hoping...that it wasn't it at all.

Her younger companion edged a little closer to her and planted her head against her shoulder. She was always rather comforted by the one she deemed as her older sister. And what Marlene wanted most was for Tifa to be happy. If she could do anything to influence that, she was going to. Right now, Tifa needed to hear those words. She needed to be confronted by the words she was trying to avoid. "I saw the way you looked at him. I saw the way he looked at you. I've never seen you look at anyone that way. When you looked at Cloud and Vincent, your eyes were always filled with pain, but when you looked at President Shin-Ra, it was the first time I saw this happiness. He...makes you happy, doesn't he? You like him...right? If you like him, and he likes you, then you two should be together." Such odd logic children often had. Of course, it wasn't to say that she was inaccurate.

There was a reason Tifa hadn't wanted to talk or think about such things. She wasn't for certain how she felt. Well...yes, yes, she was. Rufus, however, was another story entirely. She didn't know how he felt, and that wasn't ever going to be something they discussed. At least, not by her, of course. And the way he was, it would probably never come up in conversation. That meant everything would be at a standstill. Marlene wouldn't understand that, though. Everything was so simple to her. It wasn't right to get little children involved in complex dealings. Tifa shook her head slowly and her gaze softened. "...Sometimes...it takes more than a look for things to happen. President Shin-Ra...is something else, someone else. While...I won't deny that I do have some fondness for him, it's not enough to make anything happen. I don't know how he feels about me. I do not think his feelings are reciprocations of mine." Her arms snaked around the younger girl and she held her gently as her head ducked. It was strange, but the idea of not even having the chance with the blonde-haired president made her want to cry. Was she really that soft...? How shameful.

Tifa's companion had understood some of what she'd said. A little bit here and there, but not everything. That was come to be expected. Marlene had not lived through many experiences and as easy as it was to say Tifa and Rufus should have been together, it was bound to be much more difficult to execute that thinking. The younger girl had thought, though that the man in white seemed rather...pleased or content when his eyes were placed on the two of them before they left. Perhaps if she had spoken more with him, she would have gotten to understand him better. As she considered those possibilities, she felt she understood exactly why Tifa was still working for Shin-Ra, even after the only required interview had taken place. The older brunette must have been trying to discover the same thing. She must have been looking for a specific level of understanding. Of course, the only true way to discover the scheme was to ask. "Tifa, why are you working at Shin-Ra? What is your reason? Are you working there for you, or are you working there for him?" And by him, she meant the handsome blonde, obviously.

It was another inquiry Tifa really needed to think on. Why was it that children always asked the difficult questions? They really were quite adept with doing so. It was a good thing, though, because it made her think, really made her think. Was she happy living her life in the slums? Yes, of course she was. Was she happy being near Cloud and the others? Yes. They were her family. Was she happy helping out the orphanage? Almost that more than anything. But was all of this happiness really hers? Was she doing this all to make everyone happy? Was she doing it to make herself happy? What did she want to do? How did she want to feel? How did she want to spend the rest of her life? She still had so many years to go, but did she want to spend them the way she was now?

A hand rose and rested at the bottom of her chin, the lone lily by this time, laying gently over a thigh. Her eyebrows knit together, still not having found an accurate response to give Marlene. The young child deserved some type of explanation, but what? And furthermore, could Tifa even give that to her? How could one answer a question that they did not exactly have the answer to? Finally she shook her head slowly and gave a nearly dejected sigh. "I'm afraid I don't know, Marlene. Perhaps it is because I'm searching for myself. All of my life I was either working in the slums in Midgar or the slums in Edge. I don't want to do that for the next thirty years. I want to extend my knowledge beyond the things that I currently see. Maybe that's why I'm working at Shin-Ra, because I think it'll be good for me. After all of this time, AVALANCHE was finally able to get someone into it, but there's no reason for that now. I just want to work there. I want to see how far I can go." With Scarlet and Heidigger there though, she knew she had some trouble. It wasn't concealed that they were looking into somehow getting rid of her, for one reason or another. She just hoped that when the time came, she could do what it took to turn them away and foil their despicable schemes.

She couldn't argue with the clarification. And Marlene felt that was an extremely good answer. It was the answer she wanted to hear. Her older sister was doing something for herself for once and that tickled the younger one pink. Rather than questioning her future with Tifa, she nodded and accepted things gracefully. Sometimes in order to gain the most out of life, one had to let go of the one he or she liked or loved most. In the mind of a child, he or she would have been closest to the parents. Marlene wasn't entirely informed on her family situation, but she was smart enough to know that Barret wasn't her biological father (not that it bothered her any). From what she had been explained, her actual father had passed away when she was quite little, along with her mother. In fact, it had been Shin-Ra's doing that caused her parents to lose the gift of life. Unable to speak from a first person experience, however, she could not place any blame on the company. Perhaps that was the reason she did not mind Tifa working there.

When the older female rose to her feet, Marlene followed and picked up that single lily, before slipping her free hand into one of Tifa's. She wanted everyone to be happy, and if possible, she wanted them to be happy all together. If that wasn't possible though, she wouldn't let it get the better of her. Her brown eyes met with Tifa's as she lifted her head and she smiled, giving the hand an affectionate squeeze. "Thank you for talking with me today. Thank you for being the person you are in my life." Little did the elder know just how much she meant to this younger girl. Little did she know that everything she did influenced her companion's life greatly.

The way Marlene had spoken implied that Tifa would be gone a long time, indeed. The brunette pulled her closer with a hug before the two would talk together in silence. The burden was just beginning to lighten and she knew she wouldn't have to worry about Marlene saying anything. The unspoken bond between them made sure of that. There was a level of trust even deeper than Tifa and Cloud's. And it was okay, because they were more than friends, they were family.