Title: I'm Not Broken

Author: libratraveller

Rating: R

Disclaimer: SGA does not belong to me. I'm borrowing the lyrics from Evanescence to set the mood of the story.

Summary: An Ancient experiment into the psyche has a detrimental effect on a human ten thousand years later.

Author's Note: Research was done about Dissociative Identity Disorder using an article by the Sidran Institute. Website: http/ Betaed by my wonderful sister.

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

- 'Hello' by Evanescence

Ten thousand years ago, the Lantians were trying to find a way to move beyond the body and reach an elevated mental state. In the process of searching for the key to their ascension many of their scientists researched the brain. One scientist named Laurell Yasman studied the connection in the brain between what Freud would later call the Id, Ego, and Super Ego. She found a way to disconnect the Ego from the Super Ego. With the brain no longer having the Super Ego controlling the Ego, the Ego split itself into separate entities, each one having control over a different aspect of the mind's personality. The device that did this was never given a name, and was later forgotten when ascension was developed by other scientists. It was one of many such devices that were abandoned when the Lantians escaped back to Earth.

Dr. Rodney McKay sat on a stool by himself in the lab, his shoulders slouched as he leaned over an Ancient device. All the other scientists had left to eat lunch. Rodney loved this part of the day because he could work free of interruptions. This one device had flummoxed everyone who worked on it, and he wanted to be the first to figure it out. Before working on the device, Rodney had searched for information on it in the Ancient database. He found a picture but nothing else.

The device itself was round, coming up to a point in the middle. The squares etched around it made it look like the device was meant to light up. Rodney turned the device over where there was an inconspicuous tab. He opened it up and inside were miniature flat crystals. He tried rearranging them based on the sound frequencies that they made when moved as recorded when hooked up to his computer.

The crystals began humming incessantly with his last arrangement so he turned it over, hoping he would finally discover what this device did. He watched as the lights around the object began to flicker. Rodney wore goggles for safety reasons as too many of the Ancient devices had a tendency to blow up. Unfortunately the goggles did not protect him when the point in the middle of the device delivered a laser that went straight to his forehead and through to his brain.

Rodney passed out for a few minutes, awakening after the laser had stopped. His eyes looked around the room in confusion, he could not remember what had occurred. He looked down on the device and it was dead. Deciding to give up on it he put it away with all the other devices that none of the scientists could make work. Then he left to eat a late lunch.

During the briefing for the next mission, Rodney had trouble following the conversation. He would hear snippets of what was being said, but none of it made sense. It was as if he were missing an important point. The night before he had trouble sleeping. He decided that might account for his confusion today. When the briefing was over he was still unsure of what the next mission would entail. In his quarters he went over the briefing in his head, but there were blanks in his memory. It disturbed him a little.

As the mission would be the next morning he decided to go visit Colonel John Sheppard. Rodney knew that Sheppard would know all the details of the mission for tomorrow. He left his room and walked down the hallway. Sheppard's room was not that far from his. Rodney was a bit nervous to admit that he had not been focused during the briefing, but he knocked quickly before he changed his mind. Sheppard opened the door letting him into the room.

"Sorry to bother you," Rodney started off. "It's just today at the briefing, I was tired and may have missed out on some important points. Do you think you could explain to me the agenda for our mission tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, I thought you were a little out of it." John felt concerned but figured everyone had a bad day once in awhile. At least McKay was responsible enough to admit he needed more information. John sat down on his bed and gestured for Rodney to take the chair at the desk. "Basically it's just a scouting mission. There are no people, or energy sources. I think Elizabeth is trying to spread around the boring missions and it was our turn. The climate of the planet seemed tame so that should not be a problem. There will be some walking involved, but nothing strenuous. That's about it. Nothing to worry about."

"Why am I even needed on this mission?" Rodney huffed.

"See that's why people were giving you looks, they expected you to respond. Too late now. With not saying anything you practically agreed. Sorry. Besides, consider it to be a chance for fresh air." John reached over and patted him on the shoulder.

"Yeah. Thanks. Okay, see you tomorrow." Rodney left quickly, he could sense John was about to ask him what was bothering him, and honestly he did not know.

The mission was as dull as was expected and it took no time at all. There was nothing of note on the planet besides some birds and lizards. The debriefing went well and Rodney was his normal pre-occupied self both throughout the mission and the debriefing. He felt comfortable and able to concentrate easily.

In the lab, Rodney was working on some device that his scientists thought could be a communication prototype. The hypothesis was that it would allow people to hold conversations from different planets without the use of the Stargate. He immersed himself in his work to the point that he did not notice the people around him.

Rodney started to feel a part of himself drift off while he was working. He could still see himself scanning the device, and typing down calculations and results. His mind though went somewhere else, a place that was calm and peaceful. He felt no need to fight the pull as a part of his brain fell asleep.

It was a couple hours later that he came back to himself. He was no longer working on the device, but instead writing something in his laptop. He read it over and it looked like gibberish. There were words, but they made no logical sense. Rodney deleted it quickly, afraid of what it meant. It was late at night and everyone had already gone to bed. He closed everything up and went to his quarters.

That night he tossed and turned, but his mind would not let him sleep. After a couple hours of torment he finally drifted off. He woke later standing in the middle of a hallway. He had never sleep-walked before. As he was only in his boxers, he practically ran back to his room. It was early morning so he got dressed, afraid to fall back asleep. From now on he decided to sleep with a t-shirt on as well, just in case he sleep-walked again. He sat at his laptop in his lab and worked on some calculations until the rest of Atlantis woke up.

A couple days later the team went on another mission to meet some potential traders. They ran into an ambush set up by the natives that associated the Wraith plight with the emergence of the Atlantians. Colonel Sheppard ordered a retreat while firing his P-90 in the direction of their ambushers. This caused the people to slow down a bit, but then they continued advancing towards them with sticks. Some of them were farther in the woods with bows and arrows.

Rodney was frightened and when he felt something inside his head pushing him away he let go. In his place was a different man that took his gun and began mercilessly shooting anyone near him in the head. He ran while firing, never missing a shot. The team quickly made it to their Puddle-Jumper and flew back through the gate.

At the debriefing, Colonel Sheppard was still in shock from watching McKay kill seven men. Dr. Elizabeth Weir asked for a report and Teyla and Ronon explained the ambush and how they fought to get away. Sheppard contributed while glancing at McKay.

Weir asked, "Rodney is there anything you would like to add?"

"What? No, I, um, no. I think they got it all." Rodney looked flustered.

"Alright, that's it, go get cleaned up." The team left, John catching up to Rodney.

"Rodney, what happened back there? I've never seen you so, callous." John could not help sounding so surprised and a little bit in awe.

Rodney was still trying to figure out what happened. Callous, what did he do? For a second he just stood there then he whispered, "I don't remember."

"What? Don't remember what?" John was confused.

"I don't remember anything that happened after we were ambushed. It's a complete blank." Rodney was wringing his hands.

"Okay, maybe you should talk to Heightmeyer about this. This is not normal for you." John no longer felt proud of him, simply worried for him.

"Maybe you're right. Yeah, I'll see her." Rodney nodded and walked away. John watched him leave.

In Kate Heightmeyer's office, Atlantis's psychologist, Rodney McKay was fidgeting. He always hated being in her office as it reminded him of all the embarrassing things he had told her in his previous sessions.

Kate sat in the chair across from him. "Rodney, what's wrong, I know there's a reason you decided to set up this appointment, what is it?"

"That's the problem, there's something wrong with me and I don't know what it is." Rodney could barely look her in the eye.

"When did this problem start, maybe we can trace it back to where it began." Kate looked concerned but confused.

"A few days ago. I've started having problems sleeping. I actually walked in my sleep once. And during the day, I keep fading." Rodney watched his hands in his lap, they were perfectly still, something his mind was not.

"What do you mean, fading?" Kate was writing what he said in her notebook.

"Like I keep drifting off. In a briefing a couple days ago my concentration was off and I could only hear parts of the conversation. I guess I was daydreaming, but I haven't daydreamed since I was a child. And in the lab, I was working, and I just drifted off, I was still working, but it was like I was asleep. And when I woke up I had finished working and was in the middle of typing something on my computer. None of the words made sense. And then in the field, there was an ambush and I was so scared I just let my mind go elsewhere. I don't remember how we got away." Rodney took a deep breath.

"This sounds serious. I'm going to prescribe you some sleeping pills. That should help but the rest we are going have to work out. It could just be that your subconscious is taking over because you are not getting enough sleep, but there are other less pleasant possibilities. I think it would be best for now if you stopped going on missions until we can determine what's wrong." Kate stood up and went to her desk, writing out a prescription for him to take to the infirmary. She handed it to Rodney.

"I was afraid of that. Frankly I don't want to go on missions and then not remember them. I can still work in the lab though?" Rodney looked hopeful.

"I don't see why not, but make sure to get enough sleep. If you feel yourself fading again, set up another appointment with me."

"Alright." Rodney McKay walked out of the office and down to the infirmary. Hoping to find a nurse and not run into Doctor Carson Beckett, he quietly walked through the infirmary doors. He went to a nurse and got the sleeping pills. He put them away in his room and went to the lab.

He wanted to put his full attention into his work but was afraid what would happen. He made sure to listen to the other scientists while working to see if that would keep him from fading again. It seemed to work and he was thankful. He went to his quarters, took one of the pills and slept.

He woke up from a terrible nightmare, but he could not remember what he dreamed of. He was drenched in sweat, so he took a shower. The pills had made him sleep for seven hours even with the nightmare. He decided to get back to work early.

The whole day in his lab he felt depressed, like there was no point in working, that he would never accomplish anything. If he had not felt so miserable he might have realized that this type of thinking was odd for him. He normally felt confident about his ability to fix things. He was a successful scientist, but today he felt like he was not important.

When one of the scientists came to him with their work, he would normally have berated them, but he did not feel into it. It was only when he actually read the data and conclusions made that he felt a strange rage. It pushed at him and flung him away back to the calm and peaceful place.

McKay sneered at the woman. "You ugly piece of shit. I cannot believe that we allowed you to come to Atlantis, you have the intelligence of a dung beetle. How can you possibly take this data and come up with that ludicrous conclusion. What did you use, your ass! Get away from me, I'm giving this project to someone else, you're obviously not smart enough to work on it."

The scientist marched away muttering threats. Radek Zelenka who had been nearby was shocked. McKay had never been so cruel, insulting yes, but not cruel.

"Rodney?" Radek's voice was wary.

"Radek? Um, what was I doing?" Rodney had been forced out of that calm place and was confused by the stare Zelenka was giving him.

"You were just tearing to pieces Jermone's work in a cruel manner unlike yourself." Zelenka was concerned when he saw none of this register in Rodney's eyes.

"Really. I don't remember. Um, I have somewhere to be, later." Rodney practically ran out of the lab and down to Heightmeyer's office. He knocked and she let him in. Luckily her last appointment had already ended.

"Rodney, what's so urgent?" Kate looked through her various notebooks and found the one on McKay.

"It happened again." Rodney looked her in the eye, begging her to help him.

"Did you try the sleeping pills?" Kate asked.

"Yes, and not the sleep-walking thing, the fading bit. I was in the lab looking over a colleague's work and then I felt something and it pushed me away. When I got back Radek was telling me I was yelling at the Jermone about her work. I don't remember that." Rodney tried not to shout.

"Okay, calm down. I think we need to talk to Carson. I'm not allowed to prescribe anything more than sleeping pills, and I think we may need to try anti-psychotic pills." Kate watched his reaction to this.

"You think I'm crazy?" Rodney voice went high.

"I think maybe this in the beginning signs of a mental disorder, yes." Kate was already calling Carson to ask him to come down.

"Oh my god, I've gone insane. I knew being a genius it was possible to cross that line, but this, I never imagined it. What are we going to do? What do I have, is there a cure. Oh my god. I'll never work again. No one wants a crazy person working with highly advanced technology." Rodney was pacing the room.

"Take a deep breath Rodney. I'm sure we can fix whatever's wrong. It might just take some time." Kate touched his shoulders and steered him back into a chair.

"Right. Fixable. Good."