Doctor Carson Beckett hurriedly walked to Heightmeyer's office. When he arrived he found Rodney with his head in his hands, elbows to his knees. "What's happened?"
"You tell him, I don't want to go over it again," Rodney said.
Kate looked down at her notes, then back at Carson. "Over the last few days Rodney has been experiencing some strange symptoms. He has had trouble sleeping, sleep-walking, and forgotten some things that has happened." She looked at Rodney. "He felt as if someone else was controlling his actions."
Beckett was concerned. "It sounds like he may be experiencing symptoms common to schizophrenia. It is treatable. We have some drugs that may help. Rodney are you willing to try them?"
"Anything." Rodney looked up.
"All right, come with me, you're going to have to stay in the infirmary for a couple days so we can monitor the effects of the drug on your blood pressure."
"What?" Rodney was no longer sure he wanted to go through with it.
Carson saw the discomfort in Rodney's face. "Or, if you can promise to return to the infirmary twice a day, we can monitor it that way, and you can sleep in your own quarters and eat in the mess."
"Right. I promise I will." Rodney's shoulders slumped in relief, he hated the infirmary and the quickest way to get all of Atlantis to know there was something wrong with him was a stay in the infirmary.
Carson spoke with Kate and decided that they should inform Dr. Elizabeth Weir, the head of the Atlantis Mission.
Every few days the team would make sure to eat lunch together, to catch up with one another. Rodney was sitting with his team, Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon. They were all eating happily while telling everyone about their day. Rodney talked very little. He did not want to tell them about his problems sleeping or how in the last day he had begun hearing things. He had not even told Kate about the voices.
John could not stop glancing at Rodney. He could still see in his head Rodney's face as he shot those men. He wondered if Rodney remembered yet. "Rodney how have you been lately, haven't seen you since our last talk?" He tried to act subtle not wanting the rest of the team to know anything was wrong.
Rodney glanced up from the food he had not been eating. "Oh nothing much. Working in the lab, sleeping a lot." He had not meant to say that last bit. Ever since Carson had given him the anti-psychotics he had been sleepy.
Teyla looked at Rodney. "Is this normal for you?" She was concerned, Rodney had not been to see her for training in awhile.
Ronon merely grunted as he ate his food. McKay had always been strange.
"Um, not really no. It's just, I think I may have a cold," Rodney lied.
John knew he was lying, but said, "That would cause you to sleep more. Hope you feel better soon." That was the end of the conversation and Rodney felt relieved.
It was then that he heard a whisper from behind him. He could not make out the words, though it sounded eerily like his mother. "Excuse me." Rodney left the table with his tray full of uneaten food.
Over the next couple of days Rodney continued to sleep a lot. He had no trouble while working in the lab, acting his normal self. Radek Zelenka was still concerned but kept it to himself.
When Rodney spent time with his team he acted strangely but had no trouble remembering what happened. His team worried for him, he was not himself when hanging with them. He was over polite, friendly and complimenting how they dealt with certain situations. None of them had any idea what could be happening to him.
Teyla went to Heightmeyer to express her concerns. Kate listened but could not break patient confidentiality and could only tell Teyla to tell her if there were anymore changes with Rodney.
It had gotten to the point that Kate thought Rodney was no longer being honest with her. When he went to their appointments he would only say that the drugs were helping him sleep and think clearly. There was something else bothering him but he would never say what.
Rodney continued hearing things, including his mother speaking to him about his friends and how to behave around them. His old physics professor would congratulate him on what he had accomplished in the lab. The other person he heard talking to him was an old friend from high school. He kept him company throughout the day. Rodney was actually happy to have these people talk to him so he did not tell Kate about them, childishly afraid she would make them go away.
At first when the different identities as he was calling them took over he was afraid to lose control. It took some time before he realized that they were still him and that they gave him a chance to be free from certain situations he felt incompetent around. He had never been good at chit chat and the whole friend bit. So whenever he was obligated to spend time with his team he would let this other identity who liked people and defined himself by who his friends were, take over. For awhile when this would happen he would be completely absent, but if he let it happen he could almost watch from afar to make sure he was not needed to answer a question or to participate in the conversation. He begun to switch easily and no one seemed to notice.
There were two other identities that he was not as comfortable with. There was the killer, and yes he had eventually remembered that day though he tried desperately to forget what it was like to pull the trigger on those men. There was also the cruel sarcastic person. He had always had an acerbic tongue, but he had often used it to pressure the scientists into being better. This guy just wanted to hurt them. He hated people no matter who they were, and he hated him. Rodney noticed that this part of himself liked to take control. He would rip Rodney away to somewhere else. It was like he never had any say. He had been fighting him while working in the lab, hoping he would not show. So far he had been quiet.
It was not yet to the point where Rodney wanted to name his other identities, but it was close. He worried if he gave them names then during his sessions with Kate he might mention them. Lately he had read up on Schizophrenia through documents Carson had given him and knew that was not his problem. Voices yes, but so much more than that. He actually enjoyed the company of the voices and the chances to float away the other identities gave him.
The only thing he did not like was that he was grounded from going on missions. He figured that if he kept the problems to himself maybe the order would be rescinded and he could go back out there. He just had to act like everything was okay.
"Something is wrong with him and we want to know what." John Sheppard spoke for the rest of his team as well as Radek Zelenka. They had all gone to Carson Beckett in his office.
"It is not my place to tell you. We are not even sure what is wrong." Carson tried to walk around them but they would not budge.
"What's this 'we'? Who else is 'helping' him?" John asked while putting his arm in front of the door.
Ronon crossed his arms in a threatening manner. Teyla's eyes pleaded for information.
"Kate and I are working on it." Carson said after looking at the Ronon and Teyla.
"Heightmeyer?" Radek was confused. "May we talk to her? Not to ask for information, but to share information. We have been noticing Rodney's odd behavior and perhaps we can help with a… diagnosis?"
"Aye, that can be arranged. Now if you all would please…" Carson walked out of the room with some files in his arms. John followed him.
"He's on my team, I deserve to know what is happening with him." John stared him in the face.
"Fine. It is likely he has a mental disorder. Now if you don't mind." Carson walked away.
In Kate Heightmeyer's office all the seats were taken up by Teyla, John, and Radek. Ronon was standing behind them.
"What have you four noticed about Rodney McKay?" Kate tried to relax in her seat but she was afraid that what they say will confirm her suspicions that Rodney was in fact getting worse.
Radek started first. "He does not act himself lately. In the lab, at times he is absorbed in his work to the point that he does not notice when someone speaks to him. At other times he has perfect control. It is as if when he speaks to someone about their work that he is afraid of what he will say. It is when we are the only two in the lab that worries me most. He talks to himself. No, he talks to someone else that is not there. One time I heard him mutter a name. These people that are not there… they comfort him. He smiles after he seems to hear them. I am too afraid to question him about them, but it has been going on for days."
John was next. "When Rodney is around us he is like a different person. We would go to him to hang out and he would be normal. But after we are watching a movie or eating, he's… I don't know, nice? I'm not saying he's never nice but usually he's…"
"Sarcastic." Teyla said.
Ronon spoke up. "He behaves as if he views the world differently than the Rodney we know. It is… disconcerting."
This is what Kate thought they would say. "Okay, thank you all for your help. I will get back to you. This is very serious, and you all do have a right to know what's happening to your friend, but it will be up to him whether or not we can tell you." With that they were dismissed. They left feeling worse now that they knew that the others were noticing the same things.
Rodney had been having a good day. He felt like everything was right in the world, that he could do anything. That he had other people in his head did not matter. He knew they were not other people but it felt that way sometimes, but it was okay. He had friends and he had his work, and today he just knew that it could only get better.
That lasted for all of a couple hours. Then he felt absolutely miserable. He was insane, no one would want to be friends with him. Soon he would not be allowed to work. Damn it. This world hated him. Even his other consciouses hated him. He wanted to end it right now.
That was when Kate knocked on the door to his room. The door opened and she found him huddled on the floor taking a razor to his wrist. She rushed in and pulled it out of his hand. Rodney let her, nothing mattered and there was no reason to fight.
"Rodney come with me. We need to talk." Kate led him to the infirmary where Carson was waiting. They had him sit down on a bed. Kate walked away with Carson and told him what she found Rodney doing when she entered his room.
When they walked back towards Rodney he was laying curled up on the bed. "Rodney?" Carson asked. "Will you come with me to my office so we can talk without the nurses around? It will just be us three, you, Kate, and I."
Rodney looked up and shrugged. Then he got off the bed and walked into Carson's office. He sat down in the chair facing the desk. Kate sat next to him and Carson took the seat behind the desk.
Kate looked at Rodney and began. "I think you haven't been honest with us, Rodney. We're just trying to help. Please tell us everything you've been experiencing the last few days."
"You can't help. Even if you could, I don't want you to make them go away," Rodney muttered.
"Make who go away?" Carson asked softly.
"My mom. She talks to me. I miss her so much. Ever since she's died, it's been hard. It's nice to have her around, you know?" Rodney looked at Carson for understanding.
Kate asked, "You're hearing voices?" Rodney nodded. "Is there anything else?" Rodney shrugged.
"Let me try," Carson said. "Have you felt depressed lately? Or manic?"
"Sometimes. Mostly just today, it hit me kind of hard." Rodney felt more open talking to Carson. For one he was a friend, but it was really just that he did not like shrinks.
"Okay. What aren't you telling us. Your friends are concerned. They say you act like a different person around them."
"It's not me. I mean, it is, but it's not. It's the others. I… they're okay. At least one of them." Rodney looked down at his hands.
Carson and Kate shared horrified looks. Carson cleared his throat. "Can you explain what they are like. And how many are there?"
Rodney breathed slowly. "It's not like I named them or anything, but one, he's very friendly. He's like who I'd want to be when I'm around people. I let him talk to my team. He's even nice to me, never pushing, just nudging to be out. He lets me watch while he talks. It's like I'm part of a real conversation. It's kind of cool. This other guy, he's mean. Cruel like my Dad was. I think I got a lot of my sarcasm from my Dad. Anyways he likes to hurt people with words. He takes control and I can't stop him. I had to fight to find out what he says, but now he lets me watch as he makes others cry. God I hate him. He doesn't scare me though. The third one, and there's only three. He's calm, and collected. He can do things that I could never do. On my last mission, he took control when I was scared and he killed these men. At first I didn't remember but then it came to me and I was revolted."
Kate sighed. "Where do you go when they take over?"
Rodney looked over at her. "An okay place, I guess. I feel empty while I'm there. And I kind of like it. It's strange but relaxing. Before they take over, I feel overwhelmed, like I can't handle whatever I'm involved in and then they do it for me. I feel bad letting it happen, but I can't stop it. Sometimes I don't want to." Rodney stood up and started pacing.
"Okay Rodney. Why don't we get you settled in a bed out in the infirmary. We'll talk after you've rested." Carson led him out of the office and into a bed. Rodney let himself be moved, he felt so confused.
In Elizabeth Weir's office, Carson Beckett and Kate Heightmeyer sat with their notes on Rodney's case. Elizabeth had been informed of Rodney having a mental illness, but it looked like it might be worse than they originally thought.
"Please explain." Weir sat still, ready to hear the worse.
Kate sat up straight and looked her head on. "Rodney has an acute case of Dissociative Disorder. In this case, it is Dissociative Identity Disorder."
"What does that mean?" It was only words to Weir at the moment.
"This mental illness used to go by the name of Multiple Personality Disorder," Carson said.
"Oh my god." Elizabeth placed her hand over her mouth. "That's awful. I had a friend who had that. Isn't that caused by an abusive childhood?"
"Yes, that's often the case." Carson looked away from her.
Kate spoke up. "I'm not fit to help him through this. It is curable, but it takes a great deal of therapy. I'm suggesting he be taken back to Earth to seek treatment."
"Carson?" Elizabeth looked at him.
"It's for the best." Carson watched her reaction.
Elizabeth Weir took a deep breath. "All right. Have you spoken to Rodney about this diagnosis yet?"
Carson felt saddened by events. "We were letting him rest. We'll tell him soon."
"I'll get his team and Radek up here to just tell them that Rodney is leaving. It'll be up to him whether they know why."
Rodney woke up screaming from a nightmare where he had no control over his actions and he killed his friends. The nurse ran to him and tried to calm him down. He shook her off and got out of the bed. When the nurse glared at him, he decided not to leave and instead paced the space around his bed.
Carson came to check up on him. "Good you're awake. We need to talk."
"Great. Decided what kind of crazy I am already?" Rodney folded his arms in front of his chest.
"Yes," Carson said simply. He gestured Rodney to follow him into his office.
Rodney was beginning to hate that room. As he suspected Heightmeyer was in there. What surprised him was Elizabeth's presence. "This isn't good is it?" Rodney refused to sit down. Every time he did he ended up blabbing all his problems. From the looks on their faces it just made things worse.
Kate decided to be blunt. "You have Dissociative Identity Disorder."
"What? That's impossible. I got checked for that when I was a kid." Rodney appeared surprised.
Carson was confused. "Why would someone test you for that when you were a child Rodney?"
"My mom had it. Not that it was called that back then." Rodney began pacing behind the chairs. "Is it really possible to develop this as an adult? I thought it started when a person was young."
"It does. It is possible you do not have a recollection of it, and with the stress out here your mind is falling back into bad habits." Carson tried to reason it out.
"What if something else caused it, what if it's not normal?" Rodney hypothesized.
"That's not very likely Rodney." Kate sighed. "I know you're trying to find a reason for this to have happened, but most likely you need to be looking in your past. This is why we can't really help you. It would take too much time. Maybe after you're better you can come back-" Kate was interrupted.
"Come back? Where the hell am I going?" Rodney looked around at their faces. "No. I'm not leaving. What's wrong with you people? I can still help here! Granted I shouldn't be allowed out in the field, that's not safe. But I can still work in the labs. You're going to take this away from me?"
"I'm sorry Rodney." Elizabeth apologized, but her eyes were steel, uncompromising.
"I can't believe you. What if this is happening because of something going on here?" Rodney was grasping at straws and they could tell.
"You'll get the best care. There's a mental health institute where you'll be roomed, it's already being arranged." Kate explained.
"You're going to lock me up! No, I'm not going. You can't do this." Rodney whispered.
"Yes we can." Weir softly said.
"No, I have to sign in voluntarily to be admitted." Rodney sounded confident.
"Not always. Besides we can send you back to Earth. The United States Military is arranging for your admittance, and if the person is seen as a threat to themselves they can be admitted involuntarily." Kate stated.
"But I haven't… oh. Can't you guys just give me pills here. I was just feeling down." Rodney had to sit. There was a seat for him, and he slumped into it, his head in his hands. "Is this really necessary?" No one responded. "Of course it is. When am I leaving?" Rodney said this into his lap.
"Tomorrow. The Daedalus is leaving in the morning." Elizabeth reached and patted his shoulder. "When you get better I will do everything I can to get you back here, I promise."
"And if I don't?" Rodney looked at her.
"Then I'll visit you next time I have leave." She stood up when he began to stand and gave him a crushing hug. "You'll get through this, I know you will."
Rodney held her and tried not to cry. "I don't want to leave. This is my home and all my work is here."
"I know. But you can't get better on Atlantis. Where you're going there are dozens of people that will help you. I can't say you'll like it there, but I'm sure you'll adjust." Elizabeth backed up and looked him in the eye.
There were unwanted tears running down his face. "Does my team already know?"
"Do you want them to know?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes, they should know what's happened to me. Also tell Radek, I'd hate to leave him running everything without knowing why I'm gone."
"Kate and Carson will explain it to them." Elizabeth let him sit back down in his chair.
"I know you don't want to leave Rodney, but it would be easier if you did sign the form allowing your admittance," Carson said. He had the forms printed out and on the desk.
Rodney reluctantly read them and signed it where needed. "I feel like I'm throwing my life away agreeing to this." He sniffed and wiped his tears away.
"It won't be forever." Carson squeezed his arm trying to give comfort. He hated seeing his friend like this.
"I guess I better go pack." Rodney stood up.
"Someone needs to be with you-" Carson began.
"I'll go." Elizabeth offered.
They walked out of the infirmary and towards his quarters. The silence was full of pain.
