REWIND...part 5

Chase felt a bit guilty about slipping out on Cameron, but he had tried to warn her that he'd called a cab long before she'd offered to drive him home. Truth be told he didn't want her to know where he lived. It was bad enough that House knew. Wilson he could deal with, but House already knew too much about him, which meant he had way more ammunition to use against him. Chase was tired of feeling like he was trapped in a war zone. Especially since he knew the war, and the battles he fought, were mostly of his own making. He was tired of fucking up his life, yet he didn't know how to stop the vicious cycle he was trapped in.

He shook himself out of his reverie when he realized the cab had come to a stop. He was home. Funny thing was, it didn't feel like home any more than his old apartment had. Or anymore than the house he had grown up in had been a home. They were all just places to live. More specifically, a place to shower, change clothes and sleep in.

Paying off the cab driver, Chase headed into the house. He was more than a little surprised to find it was deserted. He had called Vanessa this morning to remind her he was coming home. She had said she couldn't wait and even offered to blow off a meeting to pick him up. Chase had assured her he could get home on his own. Vanessa being gone wasn't the surprise so much as the household staff not being there. Not that he minded. Alone time sounded perfect right about now.

Heading upstairs, the first thing Chase did was peel off his clothes and step into the shower. Ten minutes later he was pulling on a light pair of sweat pants then crawling into bed. Maybe now he could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

But to sleep meant to dream and Chase got caught up in old memories of his mother.

He had come home from a date to find his mum wandering around the house with a bottle of gin in one hand, singing at the top of her lungs. He made a grab for her and the bottle but she had eluded him. When he tried again, she'd slugged him with the blunt end of the bottle, catching him a glancing blow on the shoulder since her movement was slow and uncoordinated, but it left a bruise that didn't fade for weeks and he had been careful to make sure she never saw it. She had collapsed then, crying in his arms, begging his forgiveness. He had given it freely and without hesitation, then he put her to bed.

While she was sleeping he found every bottle she had stashed and dumped them all down the drain. His mother had been furious with him. Furious and hung-over and desperate and this time he hadn't seen the blow coming. She hurled a vase at him as he turned away from her and it hit him in the back of the head, hard enough to knock him to his knees. When it hit the floor it shattered and Chase had cut himself on fragments while trying to keep his mum away from the mess so she wouldn't cut her bare feet.

In the end, he'd simply held her as she cried some more and promised to be good, letting her fingers comb through his hair and probe the lump that had formed. Not making a sound as she tried to mother him, not letting her know she was years too late to even bother making the attempt. He held her until she got sick, then he held her hair back over the toilet, got her cleaned up in the shower and put back into bed. He sat with her, reading from her favorite book of poems until she fell asleep. He didn't leave her side until school the next day and he'd gotten the call there to come home. A frantic call from the housekeeper.

By the time Chase had arrived the ambulance was right behind him and he flew inside the house, catching a glimpse of his mother crumpled in a pool of her own vomit in the middle of the foyer. Then the medics were there, pushing him aside, and he listened to them, knowing what they would find. She was already dead. He hadn't gone with her to the hospital, instead he had gone upstairs to her room. He made her bed, picked up her things so the room was neat, the way she liked it. Then he went into the bathroom and threw up until he was gagging. Then he curled up on her bed, hugging her pillow, not moving until his dad had called with his condolences. Chase had hung up on him, then he had made the calls necessary for her burial. He found the last bottle of booze she drank, with an inch of gin left. He drank it down in a gulp, threw up again, then went on with his life.

Which brought him to the present and Chase was flinging himself out of bed and into the bathroom, puking his guts out and shaking from the memories he wished he could bury deep and forget about. When he was finally done retching, he leaned back against the wall, cool sweat slicking his skin, body still trembling and that was when he noticed the vodka bottle on the countertop, right next to Vanessa's make up kit.

Chase closed his eyes and started to laugh.

OoO

He went for a run. Once upon a time he used to love to run. To push his body past endurance, to feel the burn in his legs, his heart pumping in his chest, and still manage to go that one more mile. He ran two miles before his body protested to the point where Chase knew he was pushing his luck. When he got back to the house, he had to cling to the banister to get up the stairs. It wasn't until he was in the bathroom and peeling off his clothes that he noticed the vodka bottle was gone. Vanessa had to be back.

Needing a shower to cleanse his body as well as his mind, Chase stepped under the spray of hot water and scrubbed hard. He had just finished and was drying his hair when Vanessa strolled into the room, a smile on her lips and her eyes bright and a bit glazed.

"Welcome home, beautiful," she whispered, her eyes roaming over his body.

"Thanks," Chase replied, wishing he'd thought to wrap a towel around his waist. He suddenly felt far too exposed to the hunger in her eyes. A hunger for more than a pound of flesh from him. That was something he could easily give. But Chase knew that Vanessa wanted his heart and soul as well and he wasn't sure he was capable of giving them too her, but a part of him was pretty sure she could take them from him, if he wasn't careful.

Vanessa prowled over to Chase, wrapping her body around his and drawing him into a kiss. No words passed between them as she drew him into the bedroom and pushed him onto the bed.

Chase let her do anything she wanted. He needed the distraction and it kept her from drinking. And when it was over he let himself drift to sleep with Vanessa cradled in his arms and he wondered who was holding who, and if it really mattered in the end.

OoO

House couldn't sleep. He told himself it was because of his leg but he knew it was a lie. And why should he be any different than anyone else? Might as well lie, too. So he sat at the piano, idly running his fingers over the keys and playing various bits of melodies while he tried not to think about what was really keeping him up.

Chase.

It took a concentrated effort not to call the kid. Especially since it hadn't been easy sneaking into Cuddy's file cabinet and getting that particular bit of info on Chase. He had grabbed his keys and headed for the door twice, intending to just drive to the house, but he knew he didn't have that right. Not that that would stop him, if he really wanted to go. Which he did. He just talked himself into believing he could trust Chase. They had their trust issues on some things, past and present, but House had to believe that Chase would not be stupid enough to suck down another bottle of vodka. He had to trust that Chase could tell Vanessa no.

Which had him just about out the door again. Chase couldn't tell a nine year old girl no, how the hell was he ever going to stand up to Vanessa? Jamming his fingers onto the piano keys in frustration, then wincing and hoping he hadn't just knocked it out of tune, House got up and stumped around the room. He had to distract himself so he could get some sleep. So he slumped onto the couch and grabbed the remote, finding the cooking channel. Nothing more boring in the world than the cooking channel. Better than sleeping pills. So House settled in, eyes glued to the screen and finally felt himself drifting off, thoughts of Chase finally drifting away.

OoO

Chase came awake with a jolt of fear, and it took a moment for him to realize where he was and who he was with. Just for a second he had thought he was back home with his mum. Shaking the images of the nightmare away, Chase slid out of bed, being careful not to disturb Vanessa. He studied his lover for a moment, not missing the lines around her eyes and mouth, or the shimmer of gray roots marring the red sheen of her carefully colored hair. Her fingernails were a bit ragged, in spite of the fake nails, because nothing seemed able to stop her from gnawing on them. She looked old in the cold morning light. Old in the way his mother had looked in the end. As old and worn out as he felt.

Turning away from the bed, Chase slipped into sweats and a tee shirt and went for a run. An hour later he came back, feeling a bit shaky, and stepped into the shower. He got cleaned up and dressed in a plain dark blue shirt with a monotone matching tie. He pulled on dark trousers and a jacket, brushed his hair leaving it to dry however it liked, then he headed for the kitchen to make a slice of toast. He knew he needed something in his stomach, even though it was churning a bit. In the end he managed half a slice of toast and two swallows of orange juice.

Back upstairs, Chase brushed his teeth, made a face at how wavy his hair was today, then he went back into the bedroom to grab his keys and things, stuffing them into his pockets.

"Where are you going?" Vanessa asked from the bed. She was sitting up with the sheet clutched to her chest, her hair flattened to her skull, her eyes dull.

"To work," Chase replied, even as he moved to her side with aspirin and a glass of watered down tomato juice. Vanessa swore the combination helped settle her stomach. Chase knew it was psychosomatic. With his mother it had been lukewarm, weak raspberry tea with a dollop of honey in it.

Vanessa accepted the pills and the juice, knocking the tablets back and draining half the glass before handing it back. "You don't seriously have to go into work today?" she countered, eyes wide with disbelief. "You just got released from the hospital, beautiful. Surely even House doesn't expect you to work?"

Chase sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed then forced a smile. "House kept me in the hospital longer than I needed to be so I'm all better now," he assured her, leaning in to brush a kiss to her pale cheek. "And I really do need to get back to work. I feel fine now, Vanessa. Don't worry about me." Chase kissed her cheek again then rose to his feet. "Hope you're staying in for a bit," he said, changing the topic off himself. "Or do you have meetings."

"Meetings," Vanessa mumbled, pressing her palms to her temples. "I feel like crap though."

"Sleep in," Chase advised. "Since you're the boss you can do that." He grinned at her a moment then headed for the door. "I'll see you later," he called over his shoulder.

Vanessa had already snuggled back into the pillows so she didn't reply.

Chase didn't look back. He was afraid of what he might see.

OoO

The two hours of sleep Chase had gotten weren't enough to keep him going and he knew it. So on his way to the hospital he stopped at a nearby convenience store and stocked up on espresso shots and Mountain Dew. He drank two shots on the way and hoped that regular coffee and the Mountain Dew would be enough to get him through the day. He wasn't going to risk bringing the Espresso Shots in for House to find again.

He made it to work early, as he usually did, mainly because he liked having the conference room to himself first thing in the morning. After stowing his stuff in his locker, Chase headed for Diagnostics and was pleased to see no one else had arrived. He had this sudden fear that Cameron would be waiting for him with a smile and a hug. Grinning to himself at that image, Chase moved to the corner table and made coffee. He made it strong. While it brewed he shook out the paper he'd bought and went to work on the crossword. And, for the moment, he let himself believe that everything was back to normal.

Twenty minutes later Chase was on his second cup of coffee when Cameron came in. She smiled at him and did, indeed, give him a hug as she welcomed him back into the fold. Chase reminded her that he hadn't been gone all that long, then he hugged her back. He had always taken some measure of comfort in her presence, if only because he knew she would always be who she was. That he could trust in the fact that even if it was stupid of her to do so, Cameron would always care about people. Even care about him. Cold comfort perhaps, but Chase was willing to cling to it right now.

"Do we have a case?" he asked, as they broke apart and Cameron wandered over to pour herself a cup of coffee. "Use a lot of cream and sugar," Chase warned her. "I accidentally made it strong." Just a white lie and easy enough to get away with. Everybody lied anyway. It was the first lesson he had learned from House and he had learned it well. Especially about himself.

"No case," Cameron replied, before taking a sip of the coffee and making a face. "Wow, strong is an understatement," she told him.

Chase shrugged. "Sorry about that."

Cameron shrugged back at him. "No big deal. It still tastes better than mine."

They chatted for a bit about nonsensical things, then Foreman came walking in, greeting Chase as if he'd just seen him yesterday at work and Chase was glad for it. Nothing had changed as far as he was concerned. He wanted everything to be as it had been. To be the way it was supposed to be.

House came in by the time Foreman had poured himself a cup of coffee, making a face when Cameron told him there was no case, then he sent her off to find one. Foreman got up saying he had a consult since he wasn't needed here and House merely nodded at him.

Chase waited for House's gaze to fall upon him. The blue eyes were sharp and imposing, but he didn't flinch away. "I'll head for the clinic then," Chase offered.

"Sign my name," House called after him.

"Sure," Chase replied, and he expelled a sigh of relief that it had been so easy to escape. He went to the clinic but signed in under his own name, then he spent the next three hours seeing patients and getting back into the groove of things. He was pulling a sliver from a little girls thumb when Foreman popped his head in.

"I'm meeting Cameron for lunch in the cafeteria, want to join us?" Foreman invited.

Chase didn't look up as he replied, "Take a rain check, I just ate." The lie came out as smoothly as the splinter did. Chase smiled as the little girl gazed at him with adoring eyes and he let her hug him before telling the mother than her daughter was just fine. He watched them go, wrote off on patient file, then headed out for the next one.

It was a good way to pass his first day back. Everything was low key and he was able to just go with the flow. He was actually glad to be getting out on time for once and he was smiling as he grabbed his gear from his locker, but he ended up back in the conference room to fetch his messenger bag.

House was in his office and he called out for Chase to come in.

After grabbing his stuff, Chase stepped inside House's domain. He felt a bit fidgety, but he was careful to be still and to keep a neutral expression on his face as he faced the other man. "You rang?" Chase drawled.

"So how was your first day back?" House inquired.

"It was fine," Chase replied, with a smile that was meant to be benign. He could feel House's gaze piercing him, looking for chinks in his armor, so to speak. But Chase made sure there weren't any to find.

House nodded after a moment, leaning back in his chair and smiling. "How's Vanessa?" It was a question that was obviously calculated to get a rise out of Chase.

But Chase knew how to play this game, and House wasn't going to win this time. "She's good," he replied. "Thanks for asking." A ripple of disappointment flickered in House's eyes and Chase was hard put not to laugh. "Good night then," he said, before heading out. He was relieved when House let him go.

Half an hour later Chase was home. He had been looking forward to going on a run but when he entered the house he found it full of people. Vanessa came to greet him with a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

"I've invited a few business acquaintances to dinner," she offered in greeting. "I should have called to warn you, but I wasn't sure if you'd even get home on time."

"It's fine," Chase replied, plastering a polite smile on his face as a few of the guests were watching them. "Just let me go freshen up then I'll be down to join you."

Vanessa looked pleased. "Don't take long," she cautioned, before giving him a kiss and nudging him towards the stairs.

Chase nodded politely at the guests he passed on his way, then he was in the bedroom and shucking his jacket, shirt and tie. A quick splash of a wash up, fresh deodorant, teeth brushed and hair newly combed and he was ready to pull on a fresh shirt and a pullover sweater that Vanessa had gifted him a few weeks ago. An apology gift that he hadn't bothered to wear before now. He knew it would make her happy to see him in it and a happy Vanessa drank less.

A few minutes later and Chase was down stairs being introduced. He played the perfect host, remembering the dinner parties his mum and dad had given before getting divorced. So Chase smiled and conversed and made sure everyone had something to drink and eat at all times. It was a good way to distract everyone from the fact that he drank only water and basically just moved his food around his plate.

It was late, after eleven, by the time the last guest left. Chase was tired and he rather hoped Vanessa was too, but the moment they entered the bedroom she was stripping him and Chase went along with it. He let Vanessa tumble him onto the bed, then he kissed her and brought her to orgasm twice before coming inside her himself. When they lay tangled together in the aftermath, she told him how happy she was.

"Everyone loved you," Vanessa enthused. "I should be jealous you know. Several of the women here tonight were eyeing you like you were something good to eat. Which you are, beautiful. You're totally edible and more delicious than chocolate."

"That's quite the compliment," Chase conceded, knowing her love for chocolate. He smoothed her hair back as she lay with her head on his chest, then whispered, "I'm glad to see you so happy."

Vanessa shifted up so she could kiss him. "You make me happy, beautiful."

Chase nodded then kissed her back. "Mind if we get some sleep? It's been a long day for me."

"Of course." Vanessa drew the blankets over them. "I forgot you're still recovering." She eyed him with a guilty expression. "I shouldn't have made you host with me. You should have been resting."

"I'm fine," Chase assured her. "And I had fun. I just need to sleep now." He closed his eyes to convince her of his words and felt her press a kiss to his forehead. Then she was shifting around to curl up beside him and Chase let his breathing even out so she would think he had fallen asleep. It wasn't much longer before he could tell Vanessa had fallen asleep.

Moving carefully, Chase slid out of bed. He pulled on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, socks and sneakers and headed out of the room. He felt too jittery to actually sleep so he went on a two mile run. When he got back he showered, pulled on boxer-briefs, then brushed his teeth. It was heading towards 2am and he knew he needed to get some sleep only he was too awake now to do so. It was then that Chase remembered the over the counter sleeping pills that Vanessa had stashed in the medicine cabinet. He grabbed them, read the ingredients and the directions then swallowed one down with half a glass of water.

After crawling carefully into bed so as not to disturb Vanessa, Chase curled up on his side and closed his eyes. To his surprise it wasn't long before he drifted off to sleep.

OoO

The next three days fell into a pattern for Chase. They still had no cases so he did clinic duty with rotations in NICU. Vanessa was gone one night on business but Chase kept preoccupied with work and running and sleeping. Admittedly he relied on the sleeping pills to get him to sleep at night, which he probably wouldn't have needed if he stopped running so late, but he liked his runs. One before work and one before bed helped rid him of the jittery feeling that plagued him of late.

Friday morning, his fourth day back, Cuddy cornered Chase the moment he entered the building.

"Time for another session," she reminded him, her tone overly bright.

"Of course," Chase replied, hiding his irritation. He had hoped she'd forgotten about the bloody things. Cuddy was a smart woman so it rather surprised him that she had yet to figure out that he was just playing a game with her. Or maybe she did realize he was simply telling her what she wanted to hear. Maybe it was how she dealt with what had happened. How she justified it to herself. If that was what she needed in order to let him keep working, then so be it. Chase would continue to give it to her.

So he followed her to her office and sat down on the couch. She sat in the chair across from him, a smile on her face.

"How have you been doing, Chase?" Cuddy asked, and there was sincere interest in her eyes and in her tone.

"I'm good," he replied. "It's good to be back to work." He wanted to make that point very clear for them both.

Cuddy heaved a sigh. "How are things at home?" she asked, and her tone was hesitant.

Chase didn't want to go there, but he realized Cuddy was blaming his relationship with Vanessa for what had happened to him. He felt like he should be defensive, but he didn't have the energy to bother. So he gave her the truth she probably didn't want to hear. "Things are good, Dr. Cuddy. Vanessa was never the problem. Like I keep telling you, I just had a bad night and drank too much. If I had known it would make me sick I never would have done it. I don't know what else to say to convince you." He let a bit of pleading seep into her voice, let his eyes widen in a bit of pleading as well. He realized she bought it when a relieved smile curved her lips.

"I believe you, Chase," she said firmly. "I just wanted to make sure, that's all."

"I understand, you have to protect the hospital and all," Chase replied, letting them both off the hook.

Cuddy leaned in, eyes all serious suddenly. "I want to protect you too. I hope you know that."

Chase nodded. He hadn't expected to hear that from her, but he smiled as if he knew. "Thanks for that," he said politely, then he rose to his feet in the hopes of being able to escape. He had help in his endeavor when her phone rang. He watched Cuddy spring up to answer it. She listened a moment then covered the receiver.

"I have to take this," she whispered, nodding at the door. "I think we're done anyway."

"We are," Chase concurred, then he was out the door and heading for the stairs. Halfway there he ran into Wilson.

The other man eyed him with interest. "Another session with Cuddy?" Wilson queried.

Chase nodded, feeling a bit sheepish and a bit guilty. He just wasn't sure why he felt that way. "I hope it's my last. What happened is over and done with already. Time to move past it."

"It hasn't even been two weeks, Chase," Wilson countered, looking surprised. "You have to give yourself time to heal and you have to expect people to need time to adjust."

"Adjust to what?" Chase shot back, feeling suddenly angry and it was an inexplicable anger. "What happened doesn't affect anyone but me!"

Wilson winced at his sharp tone, lowering his own voice to a stage whisper as he replied, "You couldn't be more wrong." He raised a hand to cut Chase off when he would have responded, extending an invitation instead. "We can talk more at lunch if you like. I have a consultation."

Chase let his anger deflate, pulling his mask of detachment more firmly about him. "Lunch sounds good," he agreed. "Where do you want to meet?"

"My office," Wilson replied. "I'll bring sandwiches you bring the soda."

"Noon?" Chase countered.

Wilson nodded then patted him on the shoulder. "See you then," he said, before turning on his heel and making a run for the elevator.

Chase headed straight for NICU. If they found a case, House could page him. Right now he wanted to be somewhere where he had to keep a sharp focus, that he couldn't be distracted by the chaotic thoughts and emotions inside him.

Thankfully the rest of his day, until noon time, went smoothly. Still no case so Chase worked in NICU till his break, when he headed for Wilson's office. He remembered the sodas and Wilson was waiting for him, offering a turkey sandwich which Chase only picked at while they chatted. Wilson didn't push him to talk about anything in particular and Chase found himself relaxing. Until Wilson started watching him too closely.

"You're supposed to eat the sandwich, not shred it," Wilson commented, as he watched Chase tear the bread apart.

"I guess I'm not hungry," Chase replied, and that was a bit of a fib. He wasn't the least bit hungry. He could see that Wilson wasn't convinced so he stated, "I had a candy bar earlier." As he spoke his right hand slid into his lab coat pocket, fingers curling around the chocolate bar he had bought earlier but hadn't even taken a bite out of. "I'll eat it later," he lied, hand lifting out of his pocket so he could rewrap the mangled sandwich in the crumpled cellophane.

Wilson seemed convinced by Chase's story. "How's it been this week?" he asked. "You look a bit worn out."

Chase shrugged, not really knowing what to say. He didn't like talking about himself and somehow anything he did say would feel like he was revealing too much. "It's been nice being back," he replied after a long moment of silence. "No case so I got to ease into things. It's not like I was gone that long."

"Just don't push yourself too hard too soon," Wilson cautioned. "And don't let House push too hard."

"Like I could stop him," Chase scoffed, but he was grinning as he said it. Talking about House was safe territory. Not that he was feeling all that talkative at the moment anyway. Glancing at his watch, he realized he'd been with Wilson for almost half an hour, so he got up and grabbed his sandwich, ready to make a graceful exit. "Speaking of House, I'd better go check in with him. Thanks for lunch."

Wilson walked him to the door. "Sure. Anytime. You know my door is always open."

Chase nodded, although he figured Wilson had to know he wouldn't take him up on it anymore. His desire to talk before had come at a time when he was feeling overwhelmed. But Chase would let the facade remain that he was open to discussions, that way Wilson would be less likely to push for them. Because a part of Chase still firmly believed that the only reason Wilson was willing to talk to him at all was because of House. Because of their friendship.

Reaching the door, Chase opened it and walked out, moving to the nearest trash can and dumping his sandwich. He then headed for the stairs. He didn't notice House lurking in the shadows watching him go, a thoughtful expression on his face. If he had seen him, he might have worried.

Instead he headed for the conference room to find only Cameron milling about. Still no case to work on so Chase headed back to NICU. He finished out his day there, House free, then headed for the conference room to collect his things. Foreman was there this time, getting ready to leave as well. Chase simply nodded to him as he reached for his messenger bag.

"So how are things?" Foreman asked, out of the blue.

"Um, things are fine, why do you ask?" Chase shot back, because it wasn't as if he and Foreman were friends or anything. They worked well together as colleagues, but that was pretty much it. And sure, in the past they had bonded a bit over teasing Cameron or scoffing at House, but nothing more than that, so Chase was a bit surprised by Foreman's sudden concern. Because he saw actual concern glimmering in the other man's eyes. Which actually bothered him a bit. It made Chase feel like he was suddenly under a microscope or something.

Foreman looked embarrassed, but did what he always did, bluffed his way through it. "Why wouldn't I ask?"

Chase snorted and gave him a reason. "We're not exactly buddies."

"True," Foreman allowed. "But I'd hate to have to break in a new colleague." It was obvious he was teasing, which made Chase relax.

"I'm not going anywhere," he promised. "Well, other than home. It's been a long day."

Foreman sighed. "I hear that. I hope we get a case soon. Have a good weekend, man. See you on Monday."

Chase nodded. "See you." He watched Foreman leave then headed out himself. He was anxious to get home. The jittery feeling that plagued him of late was back and Chase wanted to go for a run. It was when he felt the most at peace of late. His run in the morning and the one just before bed.

Once home he was relieved to learn that Vanessa was still out. He quickly changed into his running attire then he was out the door and off. He ran three miles before hitting the shower. By the time he came out, wrapped only in a towel, Vanessa was there. She was horny, pissed and drunk and Chase knew exactly what to do to diffuse her. He seduced her then she turned the tables and the sex was hot and rough and exhausting.

But Chase didn't sleep. He simply waited until Vanessa had drifted off then he got dressed and went for another run. Two hours later he showered again, swallowed a sleeping pill then slid into bed. It was a pattern that was becoming familiar and comforting and Chase embraced it.

He closed his eyes and slept without dreaming.

THE END...of part 5