Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar, or the song "Hate Me" by Blue October. Although if I did, that would be AWESOME!
A/N: Okay, so this is a collection of songfics, they'll be mostly Zutara, but I might throw in a different pairing every now and then. Emphasis on might. Two things that stay constant for all chapters. 1. If I have mistakes in the lyrics, don't get mad at me, and don't tell me. Especially if it's Fall Out Boy. NEVER let me know that I messed up on a Fall Out Boy song. 2. I used to not name chapters after songs, but it soon got annoying so I do now name chapters after songs. 3. I do put ratings on these, but don't jump down my throat if you feel it should be rated higher/lower than I did. So.. uh... I don't have much to say about this one except it's very angsty, so if you don't like that kind of thing, don't read it. So read, review, and enjoy! Next chapter will be up in 1-2 weeks.
Rated: PG-13 (Some severe language, character death, suicidal activity)
Chapter 1: Hate Me
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head,
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed,
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone,
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.
Zuko sat at the edge of his bed. His mind had gone numb with shock. He landed in the Fire Nation. He was going to run away with Aang and Sokka… and most of all Katara. His eyes blurred, and it was a moment before he recognized the unfamiliar presence of tears there. He and Katara had a plan. They would deboard in the Fire Nation, then run away and go into hiding. Aang would find a Firebender to teach him, and sometime during the night, he and Katara would just slip away…
Finally, a tear dropped onto his hand. It seemed to take an eternity to fall, and when it did, it burned him, and the remainder of his happiness was shed through his tears. He made no attempt to wipe them away; he just sat there, silently grieving for what he had lost.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain,
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space.
But when they had landed, an army was waiting for them. Zuko didn't know it was going to come. But it killed Aang, along with any hope for peace. And now Katara hated him. He had leapt in front of her instead of Aang, it was his fault that Aang was dead. Aang was her best friend, and he hadn't tried to save him. She couldn't believe that he had not instructed the army to be waiting there.
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
He stood up slowly. He felt like the earth was shattering beneath him; his world was spinning out of control. He somehow found his way to Katara's room. Clutching the doorframe for support, he stared at her. She was hunched over Aang's body, which they had recovered, and her tears fell silently onto his chest. Her grief was almost more than he could bear. A million words of comfort bubbled inside him, but he couldn't make any of them come out. And then the worst happened.
Katara turned to face him, her hand still clutching Aang's, and her look left Zuko adamantly glad that looks couldn't kill. Her eyes burned with cold anger, betrayal, and grief. "Katara…" was all he could manage.
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow,
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
From that look, he cursed himself for everything he had ever done wrong. For not realizing his love for her the moment he saw her, and then for trying to ignore it, for every time he hurt her before and after he really got to know her, and for letting duties to his ship get in the way of giving her the attention that she deserved. And for Aang. Especially for Aang. He knew it was his fault that Aang was dead, he had put his life in front of the fate of the entire world. If Katara had died, he would've died, too, just from not having her heart beating beside his. He didn't deserve her, but he had to apologize, had to make her understand.
He stepped forward and practically fell to his knees before her. He edged closer to her, and reached out to touch her cheek, but she turned to look at Aang. He could feel his heart breaking into a million pieces, and could hardly keep from wailing his anguish for the world to hear. "I didn't summon the army," he said in a hoarse whisper. She turned to look back at him again, a sadness even greater than his reflected in her eyes.
I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with,
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again,
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night,
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.
She didn't say anything, and he was overcome with an impulse to take her in his arms and close his eyes until it was all over. He was afraid and angry with himself and sad, he needed Katara right now and she wouldn't reach out to him. He was ashamed that he needed her so much, but he needed her. He closed his eyes as tears threatened to overcome him. He took a deep, steadying breath.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate,
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take,
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.
"I'm sorry," he implored, staring into her great blue eyes. He needed her to believe it, he couldn't live without her, and he couldn't live with her sadness. He couldn't live with her feeling so betrayed, and even though he knew it was not his fault, he felt so guilty that he felt like he could roll over and die. "I'm sorry." But her disbelieving eyes said it all.
He tried to stop the tears from coming again, but the dam was broken.
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow,
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
"I'm sorry too," came her cold reply. Her icy tones pierced his heart like knives, and he felt such a great swell of emotion that he thought he would not be able to bear it. And he watched her looking down at Aang with such tenderness… a look that he had been on the receiving end of before. He felt dazed, like he had been hit hard in the face.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave,
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made,
And like a baby boy I never was a man,
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then, her tears began to fall again, and another bolt of unbearable sadness surged through him. He leaned forward and gently cradled her face in his hands. He tenderly wiped her tears away, and felt a little better. He leaned forward to kiss her, and to his great relief, she did not pull away. He arms snaked around his neck for a moment, but then she seemed to realize what she was doing and pulled herself away, and he felt his grief reach such a pitch that he was sure it would stop his heart. His skin could not contain all that he was feeling, he would surely have to scream his grief to the heavens or die…
And then I fell down yelling 'Make it go away!'
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be,
And then she whispered,
"How can you do this to me?"
At that sentence, he felt bile rising in his throat and swallowed it, hard. He had already gotten lost in his grief, but he would not let it take control of his body. "But I didn't," he breathed.
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
A long time later, he stood in an icy shower. The water felt good on his skin, and he leaned back against the slick shower wall and slid down very slowly. He was ready to die; he was ready to let the water drown him. He closed the drain and closed his eyes, waiting for the water to rise up and claim him. Almost as soon as he did so the water began to stop. He looked up. The water was still on. A dark, obscure figure was outside the wavy glass door. She drew closer and threw a towel over the door. He wrapped it around his waist and opened the door.
Katara was standing there, her eyes shining with love and grief, and without thinking, without hesitating, without caring that he was soaking wet and cold, he embraced her tightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered in his ear, and he could feel his heart mending again. All was miraculously bright and clear, and he knew that she really did forgive him. He felt renewed, and he felt like nothing in the world could bring him down, because Katara loved him still. He knew he was not the same as before. He had experienced a life centered around power, and then a life centered around love. He had that love taken away for what seemed like an eternity, and having it back was the biggest blessing he could ever have. And in this, he was reborn.
Gently, tenderly, he took her lips in his and closed his eyes. And he felt like he could just stay there for the rest of his life.
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow,
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you,
For you,
For you,
For you…