Published June 16, 2021

"Convalescence"

If only you were to me like a brother,
who was nursed at my mother's breasts!
Then, if I found you outside,
I would kiss you,
and no one would despise me.
I would lead you
and bring you to my mother's house—
she who has taught me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
the nectar of my pomegranates.
His left arm is under my head
and his right arm embraces me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

~ Song of Songs 8:1-4, New International Version

Ben was almost invariably glad to see Rey whenever the Force connected them. But this was not one of those times. He was in bed, feeling sweaty and chilled at the same time, rolling over and curling up in different positions as he tried to alleviate the pain in his stomach and head. It was several hours since dawn, but he had not risen for his usual routine of chores, and he was still debating whether to attempt them, or let his supplies fall behind so he could rest. He did not have the energy to interact with anyone, and he did not want to be seen like this.

"Ben?" Rey's tone was confused. She had never seen or felt him like this before, pained by natural physical causes rather than emotions or injuries.

He tried not to groan as he answered, not moving to look at her. "Now … isn't really a good time."

"What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"It would seem so." At this point, Ben had made it through four standard years on Ahch-To before experiencing a real bout of sickness. He sometimes had coldlike symptoms due to the damp weather, but since he had so little contact with people, he had little opportunity to contract viruses or bacteria.

Of course, probability had never seemed to apply to the Solos.

Ben tried to downplay it, not wanting to cause Rey anxiety. "I don't think it's serious … maybe something I ate …"

He heard her step closer, then felt her cool fingers on his forehead, brushing his hair out of his face. He finally opened his eyes and turned enough to look up at her face, soft with concern that struck him as maternal.

"You do feel feverish," she observed. "Why don't you have Artoo do a scan? He may not be a medical droid, but we can share your results with one. Then you'll at least have a diagnosis."

"Sure."

Rey vanished then, but when Ben felt strong enough, he took her advice. R2-D2 sent the scan to BB-8. Rey appeared again a short while later and shared the results: "It looks like a kind of flu native to the Lanai."

"Figures," Ben muttered. He had gradually increased his contact with them since Chewbacca's first extended visit. Though they prided themselves on taking care of the temple ruins, they found his height and his use of the Force helpful for different tasks.

Rey produced a wet washcloth and pressed it to his forehead, bringing relief to his sweaty skin. "Do you have any medicine?" she asked, ever practical.

"Some … trying to ration it …"

"What about food? Water? You'll need to keep drinking liquids."

"Some. I'll have to get more." He had no appetite, but had been trying to drink water.

He thought Rey might have disappeared, but a moment later she took his hand and pressed something into it. "Take these for now." She passed several items to him: medicine, bottled water, and ration bars. "I'll see what else I can do. Get some rest."

Ben was too tired and miserable to think through what she meant by that, so he muttered his thanks, took some of the tablets, and lay back down. He slept intermittently for the rest of the planetary rotation, slipping in and out of dreams. He was not sure what was more painful, the dreams—which ranged from frightening to distressing to disorienting—or being awake and in pain.

He became fully awake when he was startled by the sound of movement in his hut. He rolled over and saw Rey standing there, smiling apologetically as she slid a backpack off her shoulders.

At first Ben thought he was dreaming or delirious. Then he reasoned that the Force must have been connecting them. But then Chewbacca entered the hut and set down his burdens: two bags in one hand, and a pail of water in the other.

Ben sat up slightly, gaping. "Are you …"

"Yeah, we're here." Rey's smile widened smiled as she took off her poncho and hung it on one of the hooks next to the door. "I'm not going to hug or kiss you, in case you're contagious. But we're here to help."

"Help?" he repeated blankly. "How?"

You have chores, don't you? Chewbacca asked.

"I—well—yeah, but—"

Rey knelt next to his bed and opened up a first-aid kit. "You can rest and focus on getting better while we do them. Here." She handed him some more medication and a fresh bottle of water.

"You don't have to do this," Ben said quietly before he swallowed the pills.

"I know," she replied.

After a swig of water he insisted, "I'm sure you'd rather be doing something else."

She was still for a moment, but then she turned to look at him. "Actually … there isn't."

Chewbacca voiced his agreement.

Ben gave up arguing when he saw the supplies they had brought: an assortment of medicines for every conceivable symptom, plus heating pads, ice packs, nutrition bars, fruit juices, and clean linens and pajamas.

"Let's get you cleaned up," Rey said briskly. "No offense, but you look like a mess."

Ben grimaced. "None taken."

"You turned one of the huts into a washroom, didn't you?"

"Yeah …"

"Chewie, you help Ben wash up. I'll change the sheets and get some firewood."

Ben felt considerably better after bathing. Even the army-issue towel was in better condition than any cloth he owned.

When they returned to his hut, Rey had not only started a fire and set something cooking over it, but was also using the Force to levitate several items across the room. Most of them were articles of clothing, which she added to the basket Ben used for dirty laundry. She set everything down with impressive gracefulness when they came in. "Are you hungry?"

"A little, now," Ben said, sitting on his bed again. At least he was not as nauseous as he had been earlier.

She drew some of the heating water out for tea. "Soup will take longer."

"I don't mind."

Once he had a cup, Rey surveyed the room and decided, "If you're done in the washroom, I'll go there now." She picked up the basket of clothes and started to cross the room.

Ben started as he realized what she was planning. "Hey, wait—you're not doing my laundry!"

"Yes I am," Rey replied, pausing halfway to the door.

"No—either leave it for me, or have Chewie do it."

She seemed amused by his protestations. "What? Do you think I'll contaminate your clothes? Or vice versa?"

"Would you want me to handle your clothes?"

Rey had the decency to consider the question. But then she merely shrugged. "Ben, we've been in each other's minds. At this point, I wouldn't care that much if you saw my underthings."

Ben made an involuntary noise between a snort and a harsh cough, which he tried to muffle behind his hand. "Really? You want to test that?"

Chewie swatted him on the arm for that insolence, then warned, Next time will be your head. That was a heavy threat, given how much Ben's head already hurt.

"I won't touch anything; I'll just use the Force," Rey said, as if that should be a consolation.

When she had stepped outside with the basket of clothes, Chewie asked Ben, for the first time, about his feelings toward Rey. It was not clear whether the Wookiee was referring to his feelings in the immediate present or in general.

Ben shook his head, letting out a sigh. "I don't know, Chewie. Most of the time, she's my reason for living; but sometimes, I think she'll be the death of me."

Chewie's laughter covered the sound of giggles from around the corner.

The next several days were like a pleasant dream. Ben spent most of the time sleeping or dozing. Rey and Chewie took turns sitting up with him and doing chores.

"Is it alright to touch you while you're asleep?" Rey asked on the first night they spent with him. Off of his bemused expression, she blushed and specified, "I mean to check your fever, or your pulse, and apply compresses. Would you be startled?"

Instantly Ben understood what she was thinking of. "Oh. You mean since Luke …"

"Yeah. And I know you still have nightmares. I don't want to scare you. And I know you wouldn't deliberately hurt me, but I want to be sure you won't instinctively attack me."

Ben thought it over. "Maybe if you touch me while I'm awake, or when I'm falling asleep, then I'll get used to it," he suggested.

Rey's cheeks reddened again, a sight he was starting to like. "Ben …"

"What? Am I too repulsive?"

"No!"

"Or maybe it's the opposite," he mused, smiling crookedly.

"You—ugh."

Ben propped himself up on one arm. "Come on, Rey! You know you're the only sentient being who actually likes—or at least doesn't mind—having physical contact with me. The only others are those who want to kill me."

She finally let herself laugh. "Fine, fair enough. But I'm not giving any massages."

When Ben set his head back down, she pressed her hands against his cheeks. They rested there for several seconds before moving to another patch of skin on his face, then against his neck and his shoulders, as much as his pajama shirt left exposed. Her hands felt cool against his feverish skin.

"This is nice," Ben said. "This won't startle me."

Her eyes were soft as she smiled. "Good."

Ben was not used to having someone take care of him. No one had done that since he was very young, and even then, his caretaker had usually been a droid, not a person. At first, the idea bothered him—he did not like admitting weakness, and he was still reluctant to receive additional kindnesses from the people who were already generous to him beyond repayment. It was a humbling experience, allowing himself to accept help, especially when it was not imperative.

On the other hand, Ben had to admit it was nice to be able to rest, to not worry about getting anything done, and to have company when he was awake. After years of relying on himself for his daily food, water, fuel, and odd jobs, it seemed almost miraculous to see the woodpile grow, the water jugs switched around, meals prepared, and laundry washed and sorted without having to do any work.

It helped that Rey and Chewbacca were already somewhat familiar with the routine of daily life on the island, having stayed there for periods of time in the past. They collected water, caught fish, gathered herbs and berries, and even milked the sea sirens. Back in the hut, they kept a fire going to make tea and soup.

"Why are you doing this?" Ben asked at one point, when he was alone with Rey.

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Rey, please be serious. I know Chewie pretty much does whatever he wants, but you have your travels, your diplomacy, your liberation efforts. Do your friends even know you're here?"

"Finn knows. And he says that what Poe doesn't know won't hurt him."

Ben found his grudging appreciation for Finn growing yet again.

Finally, Rey gave him a straight answer. "I remember being sick on Jakku … and having to choose between rest or food. I thought food might make me feel better, so I'd make myself work. Sometimes I couldn't tell if I had a fever or was just overheating."

"Did no one help you?"

"There were one or two people who offered, but I had to pay them back. They might've cheated me—I was still learning how to bargain, what different parts were worth. Anyway … it's miserable enough being sick. If I can help in other ways, that's what I want to do."

"Thank you."

Probably the best time was when the weather forced the three of them to stay inside. Rey read aloud from books or a datapad, Chewbacca told stories from Kashyyyk's history or his own life, and they had several rounds of sabacc and other games.

Spending time with the two people who cared about him most, Ben felt warm in a way that had nothing to do with his fever or the heat of the fire. It pulled at something long-buried in his memory, something he did not want to openly name for fear that he might be wrong about it.

It was awkward when Ben felt better, after a little over a week. No one wanted to suggest that Rey and Chewbacca should take their leave.

"You're welcome to stay as long as you like," Ben said carefully, "but you don't have to, if you have other places to go."

Rey seemed torn, and Ben knew she must be thinking of the slaves she was trying to free, and any other number of people counting on her. "Will you be okay if we leave?" she asked.

"Of course. I can take care of myself."

We know you can. That doesn't mean you have to, Chewbacca said.

They ended up staying a full rotation after Ben stopped showing any symptoms. They might have stayed longer if the outside world had not broken in.

They were eating their midday meal when R2-D2 suddenly alerted them to an incoming message from Finn.

"That could be important," Rey said, rising swiftly to her feet. She crossed the space to the droid, and a holographic image of Finn's head and shoulders appeared above R2-D2's dome. "Finn?"

Her friend seemed apologetic. "Hey, Rey. I'm sorry, but … Poe knows."

Ben and Chewbacca exchanged glances. Rey's expression darkened. "You told him?"

"He asked me directly, and I couldn't lie to him."

Rey nodded in acceptance. "I understand."

"There's something else. He's on his way to pick you up now."

"Oh, wonderful," Ben said, feigning cheer. "More company."

Chewbacca spoke up, offering a suggestion.

"No, I don't think he wants to share a meal," Finn said.

"Thanks for letting us know," Rey said, and then cut the transmission.

They finished their meal hastily, and Chewbacca carried the dirty dishes to the wash hut while Rey packed up their belongings.

"Are you going to be in trouble because of me?" Ben asked her.

She shrugged indifferently. "Even if I am, it'll have been worth it."

He smiled, not really believing her. "You're sweet."

They both heard the ship's approach, as well as Chewbacca's warning shouts. Rather than hide indoors, Rey went outside the hut to meet the visitor. Ben followed but stayed back, close to the door, while she went ahead to greet the approaching general.

"Rey!" Poe strode up to the walkway where she stood. As they had guessed, he did not appear to be happy.

"General. Thanks for coming."

He only spared Ben one stony glance before demanding of Rey, "Why are you here?"

"Didn't Finn tell you? Ben was sick. Chewie and I came to help him."

Poe looked him over. "He looks pretty healthy to me."

"Well, until yesterday he wasn't."

Poe walked past Rey and up to Ben. "Don't expect this to be a regular thing."

Ben frowned, slightly puzzled. "I don't."

"Good. I just want to make something clear: you have no claim on anything from anyone. Rey, Chewie, the Resistance, the Republic—none of them owe you anything."

"I'm aware of that," Ben said, his voice turning cold now.

"Okay. Then we're on the same page." With that Poe turned away, without so much as a goodbye, only saying "See you onboard" as he passed Chewbacca on the path to the landing pad. Ben had rather expected more of a confrontation; but maybe Poe had changed since he last saw him. Maybe he was better at picking his battles.

What's his problem? Chewbacca wondered aloud.

"I'm guessing we'll find out," Rey said, sounding resigned.

Ben sidled up to her. "Rey?"

She turned to him. "Yes?"

"Before you go … I was wondering if I could have that hug and kiss you mentioned."

Rey blinked, fighting back a smile as she set down her bag. "Oh. I don't know—you may not have symptoms, but you could still be carrying germs."

"It would make me feel much better," he wheedled.

She rolled her eyes, as though it were a great burden, but her smile broke through. "Oh … alright." She touched his face and kissed his cheek. As she drew back, she said, "That's your reward for being a good patient."

Ben smirked. "Well, then consider this my thanks for taking such good care of me." He held her head in his hands and kissed her forehead, then pulled her into a hug. She held him tightly, and then Chewie put his big, furry arms around both of them, making Rey laugh.

"I'll miss you both," Ben murmured against them.

"And we you," Rey answered. She kept her hand on his shoulder as she drew back to look at him. "Let us know if you need anything."

Ben did not answer. After what Poe had said, and after everything Rey had done for him, both recently and over the past several years, he was not sure he had it in him to ask for anything more. Instead, he hugged them both, pressed another kiss to her hair, and let go.

Rey and Poe started arguing as soon as they made the jump to hyperspace.

Arguments between them had been a common occurrence during Rey's first few years with the Resistance, including the time before Leia's death. But as Poe grew into his role as a general and Rey became a leader in her own right, they had reached a level of respect and friendship.

Rey did not like that Ben was the topic that caused them to argue again, this time more heatedly than ever before.

"I can't make Ren do anything," Poe said. "Any power I have over him is purely political. So I'm telling you instead."

"Telling me what?" Rey said testily.

"I don't know which of you starts it, or who reaches out to who first, but you need to ease up on the visits and favors."

"What? Why?"

"Why do you think? He's distracting you from your work—"

"That's not true," Rey protested, "he's actually helped me with it."

Poe stopped and looked at her with genuine horror. "Have you been telling him—"

"Not in detail," she assured him quickly, "but he's the only one I can talk to about the Force and Jedi history. And I couldn't keep everything I've learned about our families from him."

Poe shook his head. "Stop. Rey, this—this has to stop. You can't keep taking time out to see him—"

"Once or twice a year, at most!"

"You shouldn't even need that, if you're seeing each other as much as I think! How often does that happen through the Force?"

Rey was silent, clenching and unclenching her fists at her sides.

"Rey." Poe's voice was more level now, low and serious. "I never asked, because you said it was nothing to worry about; but I'm asking now, as your commanding officer. How often are you in contact with him?"

"It varies, but on average … a few times every standard month. I guess that would be every few weeks."

Poe covered his mouth as he turned away. He paced across the cockpit as far as he could before retracing his steps. "Alright, I can't do anything about that, but you—you need to let him go. He's not your responsibility."

"He's half of my dyad," Rey protested.

"Yeah, I get that you didn't choose that, like you don't choose who you're related to. But you get to choose whether they're part of your life or not. And he has no reason to be part of your life. The galaxy needs you a heck of a lot more than he does."

Rey glared and retorted, "You don't know that. You don't know him like I do. And if he needs or wants me, I'm going to be there for him."

"With or without permission?" Poe guessed.

"Finn gave me clearance to come," Rey argued. "You're the same rank. That should be enough for you."

"This—" Poe gestured in the direction from which they had come. "—is way more than enough, Rey. He can survive without your help."

Something inside Rey snapped in that moment. "Do you think surviving is all there is to life?" she cried. "Do you have any idea what it's like to live alone, with nothing to look forward to except finding food, and hoping that someone will come visit you someday? I'm not going to leave him to that fate. Chewie and I are pretty much the only friends he's got, so it's up to us."

"This is beyond being a friend."

After a moment Rey nodded. "You're right. We're more than friends. Chewie and I are the closest thing he has to family."

"And whose fault is that?"

Dead silence followed that rhetorical question. BB-8 looked nervously between Rey and Poe, the two beings it was closest to. It was used to seeing them argue, but it had never seen them so incensed.

They wouldn't want us to fight, Chewbacca said, breaking the tense silence. They forgave him, so we do too.

Poe stepped back, shaking his head. "I can't. If you need to believe that, fine, but I can't just let go of everything he did—to his family, and to everyone else. All the work we do is to repair a galaxy that he helped to tear apart. If he's lonely, it's his own fault. And it's what he deserves."

Tears stung Rey's eyes. Chewbacca saw her reaction and put his arm over her shoulders, murmuring some words of comfort to her before he glared at Poe. The young general spread his hands. "I'm just saying it like it is."

Rey could not argue with him. If she had, she would have been admitting that she cared more about Ben being happy than justice being served. She still believed that Ben deserved peace, and Poe had agreed to that when they set the terms of exile, but now she realized they might have different ideas of what peace actually meant, what it looked like, what it felt like.

The worst part of it all was that Poe, despite his lack of tact, was not wrong about any of the things he said. In fact, he had voiced many of Rey's own thoughts, and even some of Ben's that he had shared with her.

She went into the ship's 'fresher so the others would not see her cry, angry and frustrated and grieving. She missed Leia, Han and Luke more than she had in some time. She wished Ben could be with her in the Resistance. She resented Poe for being so focused on Ben's past, ruining her good mood, and forcing them to end the visit on his terms.

Rey had enjoyed being on Ahch-To again, spending time with Ben and Chewie. While she had not liked seeing Ben in pain and discomfort, it had felt good to be able to do something about it. She liked making him feel cared for. And she liked simply being with him. Even just watching over him while he slept, seeing him at peace … he was kind of beautiful when he was not consumed by anger or misery. Rey had thought so for a long time, but she had not allowed herself to dwell on the fact, until she found herself tending to him on his sickbed.

She remembered how he had once called her beautiful. She had found it a little hard to believe, and she had known, on some level, that he was biased in her favor. But it had done something to her, given her a little more confidence. She wondered how he would react if she returned the compliment.

Rey was calmer when she felt Ben's presence in the Force. She tried to turn away, but he could tell she had just been crying.

"Are you okay?" he asked at once.

She wiped her eyes. "Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Everything's fine."

"Rey, you can't lie to me. You feel heartsick."

She sighed, knowing she could not hide her emotions from him, even if he did not know the reasons for them. "I just … Poe is being more difficult than usual."

"Because of me?" Ben guessed.

"No; because of me. And, well … he thinks I need to leave you alone."

Ben's tone was neutral. "I see."

"I'm sorry," Rey said helplessly.

He shook his head. "Don't be. I'm sorry for getting you in trouble."

"You didn't. It's just … I actually enjoyed the past week, and Poe managed to end it on a horrible note. There are times when he's more like my boss than my friend."

For a few moments Ben was silent, thinking. When he spoke, he sounded both gruff and tender. "I don't care much for your friends, but I know what they mean to you. I don't want to come between you."

Rey blinked at him, surprised and impressed. "Really? I mean, you're not—at least I don't see it that way. But—that's good of you, to think that way." She sighed. "I wish …"

"What?"

She looked at him with both fondness and wistfulness. "I wish Poe and the others could see you the way I get to."

"What way is that?" The words could have been teasing, but Ben looked at her with genuine curiosity. She also sensed some nervousness—perhaps self-consciousness, though that was not a trait she associated with him.

"Well, aside from the light that was always in you … I've seen how much you've grown these past few years."

Ben looked down, his face and his ears turning slightly red. "I've tried," he acknowledged, "but I don't think I have as much as you think."

Hearing that, Rey pointed out, "You're much humbler than you used to be."

They both laughed a little at that.

"At any rate, I might not be able to visit for a while," Rey said. "Not because of Poe, but because of other things I need to do."

"Of course. I understand." Ben reached out his hand, and she put her hand in his. His eyes spoke more gratitude than he could convey with words. "Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome."