Published November 10, 2021

"Profession"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." ~ John 21:17, New International Version

Rey's cheerful demeanor dimmed when she saw how surprised, even dismayed, Ben was by her appearance. "Is now a bad time? I thought if the Force was connecting us, it meant—"

Ben cut her off, stammering, "No, I did—I do want to see you—I just—wasn't expecting it, right this minute."

"You said you wanted to talk … the next time we saw each other …?"

"I—yes—I just thought—in person."

"Do you want to wait until then? Or should I come to you?"

Ben deliberated. "… No," he said at last. "This is—now is fine. Just—give me a minute."

Rey sat down, watching while Ben got himself some water. He took his time drinking it, either to quench his thirst or to put off talking.

Finally, he sat on a crate opposite from Rey, turning his cup in his hands. When he finally met her gaze, he reported what had happened before she appeared to him. "I just saw Luke."

"Really?" Rey was surprised that Luke had taken so long, but pleased that he had finally come through. "He talked to you?"

"And not just him. He introduced me to my grandfather, Anakin."

Rey's eyes widened. "Ben—that's wonderful! I mean—how was it?"

"It was strange … but it was good to talk."

"What did you talk about?"

Ben tilted his head from one side to the other. "A lot of things. We talked about my grandparents' experiences … and mine. And about you."

Rey's cheeks reddened slightly. "Me?"

"They both had good things to say about you. And, well … they also thought I should talk to you."

"Oh. Could that be why the Force connected us now?"

Ben grunted. "Maybe it doesn't want to give me a chance to change my mind."

Rey waited patiently, but Ben did not speak again; he sat hunched over, his gaze flickering between his hands and the ground.

"So … what did you want to talk with me about?" Rey prodded gently.

Ben smiled in a way that was more like a grimace. "I'm not sure where to start."

"Alright. Take your time."

He set aside his cup and clasped his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. "I've been thinking a lot lately," he began.

"I kind of gathered that," Rey said wryly. "What about?"

"It's … I … there are some things I've wondered about. It …" Ben sighed and then started over apologetically. "This isn't easy for me to talk about—that's why I haven't tried."

"I thought we'd gotten pretty good at talking to each other," Rey offered.

The corner of his mouth twitched, almost smiling. "Considering where we started, yes." He finally sat up straight, wiped his hands on his pants and braced them on his knees. "Okay." He looked into her eyes at last. "Rey, I want to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer honestly."

This preamble troubled her. "What—do you think I'd lie to you?"

"No. I'm just … I'm not sure you know the answers yourself. If you need to think before you answer, please do so."

"… Okay. Shoot."

Ben started with a question that seemed like a natural follow-up of their past conversations. "Are you planning to stay with the Resistance … for the long term? Maybe your whole career?"

Her ready answer pleased him: "No. Actually—this might be more than you're supposed to know, but you might as well hear it from me—we're hoping to dissolve the Resistance in the near future. Your mother started it because the First Order was rising, and we kept it going after the war because there was no centralized government; but now … well, I can't share details, but there isn't as much of a need for it now, and we hope someday there won't be any need for it."

"But—you're not obligated to stay with them as long as it exists, are you?"

Rey frowned at his choice of words. "Obligated? No. I mean, I never made any kind of deal. I didn't sign a contract or swear an oath."

"Have you thought about what you'll do afterwards?"

That was a much more open-ended question, and she had only some vague ideas for answers. "I don't know. I might keep looking for Force-sensitives, and teaching them what I can."

"Would you want to keep traveling, or settle down at some point?"

"I don't know. Who says I can't do both?"

"I'm sure you could. But if you do settle down … have you thought about … where you might live, or … who you might live with?"

They held each other's gaze for a long moment, each trying to discern the other's thoughts without actually intruding upon the other's mind.

"No," Rey said finally. "I've seen plenty of places I liked, but no place has felt like home. The closest I've come to feeling that way is when we're traveling in the Falcon, or visiting you, or when my closest friends are all on base."

Ben's eyes flashed, and he latched onto one part of her answer. "When you visit me—that feels like home?"

Rey blushed slightly. "On that last visit, yes. That was—probably the most homelike I've ever felt."

"I felt the same way," Ben said truthfully. "I didn't want to say it, but it felt like having a family again."

"Yes." Rey paused. "Why didn't you want to say it?"

"In case I was wrong. Or if—if it seemed different to you."

"I'm not sure I understand. And where are you going with all of these questions?"

"I guess this brings us to the last one."

"What is it?"

Ben looked at her squarely, his eyes holding an intensity that she had not seen in a long time. It was as though he were trying to see into her heart, mind, and body; and yet he looked vulnerable, too, as though he were exposing his own.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

The question shocked her, but the answer came easily, without thought, without qualification: "Of course I do."

There was a long pause as they stared at each other, the echo of her answer hanging in the lightyears between them. Ben's features softened somewhat, but he was still agitated.

He looked off to the side as he spoke, sounding both nostalgic and somewhat bitter. "My parents used to have this inside joke. If one of them said 'I love you,' the other would say, 'I know.' I don't think I really understood why anyone would say that until now."

Rey was somewhat hurt, hearing that there was any doubt. "Why do you think I've stood up for you all this time? Why do you think I keep coming back to see you?"

"Honestly, I could think of several reasons. I don't doubt that you care, but I don't know why—if it's because I saved you, or because you knew my family, or because you just feel bad for me."

Rey hesitated. "Okay—those have been part of it. But it's not just that. I love you, too, as an individual. I thought you knew that."

"I had a suspicion, but not much more. And even what you just said—you could say that about a brother, or a parent, or a child. Is that how you see me, or—is there something else between us?"

She was flustered, unprepared to answer this ultimate question. "I don't see why—where is this coming from? Why are you asking me about this?"

Ben looked at her heatedly, and then the words spilled out. "Because I'm in love with you, and I have no idea if you feel the same way, or just see me as a friend, and I care too much about our relationship to risk messing it up."

For a moment Rey could only gape. If she had ever imagined having a conversation like this, she had not expected it to begin this way.

"I misunderstood your feelings once before," Ben reminded her. "The first time you came to me, I thought you felt as I did, but we both misread each other. I don't want to make the same mistake. So yes, I want to talk about this—you and me, where we are, and where we go from here."

Rey swallowed. "Okay. … You first." She may have been simply buying herself time, putting off examining or explaining her own feelings by probing more deeply about his. If she were, he could not blame her.

"I don't know where to start," Ben stalled.

"You can start at the beginning. How long have you felt this way?"

He laughed a little, his voice soft and dark. "Probably longer than I've been aware. At least since Starkiller."

"Starkiller?"

"Why do you think I went so easy on you? I'm sure you've heard from others that I wasn't usually gentle with prisoners."

At this, Rey's cheeks colored with indignation. "You tortured me and almost pushed me into the core of a collapsing world."

Ben tried to sound contrite while sticking to the point. "That was wrong, but I was trying to reason with you the best ways I knew how at the time. I wasn't even angry with you, any of the times you beat me—reading my mind, summoning the lightsaber, even scarring me in combat—"

She winced at the memory, her eyes drawn to his cheek, neck and chest, where his scars used to be. "I never did apologize for that, did I?"

"I'm not asking you to," Ben said, backpedaling. "I probably deserved it, after all I'd done by then. My point is, even then, I felt—something. Impressed. Intrigued. Maybe afraid, too, because I'd never felt anything like it, and you—you threw a wrench in all my plans. You changed the whole game." He looked at her with the same expression of longing that she had seen in times past. She met his gaze, hugging herself and looking rather small, a faint blush still lingering on her skin.

"This can't be a total surprise to you," he said, turning again to the matter of her own awareness. "Why do you think I killed Snoke, or came to you on Exegol?"

Rey laughed humorlessly. "I could name several possible reasons for that. Maybe us being a dyad convinced you we were meant to be together. Or maybe you wanted to make up for what you did to your family, and the galaxy."

Ben nodded, conceding her points. "Both were true, at particular times. But it's different now. It has been for a long time."

Rey looked at him self-consciously. "So … what are your feelings now?"

Having finally set himself up to express himself, Ben now found himself at a loss for words. He glanced at the journal on the shelf, which had helped him to organize his thoughts, but that held far more than he was ready to divulge about himself.

Perceiving his uncertainty, Rey offered a suggestion. "Can you show me?"

Ben blinked, uncomprehending. "How?"

"I mean …" She waved her hand near her head, and then in his direction. "With the Force."

For a long moment Ben was still, deliberating. Rey could sense how torn he was about this option. "I'm … I don't know."

"Would it help you?"

"It's not about me, it's … I don't want to make you feel bad."

"I don't want to make you feel bad, and I might do a better job of avoiding that if I understand." Seeing his uncertainty, she promised, "I'll only look at what you show me yourself."

"… Okay."

Rey stood up, walked over to Ben and knelt in front of him while he remained seated. She lifted her hands up to his face and placed her fingers on his temples. Ben felt like he needed to hold on to something too, and settled his hands on her shoulders.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

It was the first time in years that their minds had connected in this way, and the first time they had done it with willingness on both sides. With no resistance from either party, it happened painlessly, and now that they were on such familiar terms, it did not feel like an intrusion.

First, he showed her how he generally felt about her: how much he looked forward to each visit; how much he enjoyed each meeting through the Force; how much he admired her skill, her intelligence, her goodness; how much he treasured her touch, her gifts, her attention, her good opinion. He tried, without knowing how well he succeeded, to show her how beautiful she appeared to him—whether in rags or finery, clothes or pajamas—while closing his mind against the less noble thoughts he had harbored in both the distant and recent past.

Then, with great trepidation, he gave her a small glimpse of the terror he had experienced when she was in danger, and the dread he had felt while waiting for news of her. In some ways, it had been worse than sensing her death on Exegol, because they had grown so close since then. Ben had been crushed by the possibility of never again seeing her smile, hearing her laughter, feeling her touch, or just talking to her. Her survival had brought a kind and degree of relief he had never known before.

Finally, there was his memory of their last interaction, that sleepless night, when he had wondered wildly about what she was offering. He had been almost paralyzed with indecision as, for the first time in years, he found his desire conflicting with a moral standard, and he had feared giving offense if he misunderstood her meaning.

At last, Ben pushed against Rey's presence, and she left his mind as gently as she had entered it. They both released their hold on each other as she stepped back, gasping softly. Seeing her expression, Ben was reminded of two different memories of Rey: when they first touched hands, and when he asked her to rule with him. It was an expression halfway between fear and hope.

Her eyes filled with tears as they stared at one another, breathing heavily. "Oh, Ben." She started to reach for him, but then she stopped short, and extended her arms without moving forward. "May I?"

After a brief internal struggle Ben answered, "Only if you want to."

"I do."

"Then yes. Always yes."

With that, she almost collapsed into his arms, hugging him fiercely; he shuddered in relief and squeezed her tightly, his fingers combing through her hair.

After holding each other for a moment, Rey stiffened as a new thought occurred to her. "Is—does it make you feel bad, to be this close, when you want—more of me?"

"No, Rey—I'm glad for whatever I can get—whatever you're comfortable giving."

With that assurance, she nestled her head in the curve of his neck and shoulder. Her mouth was close to his ear when she spoke. "I am so, so sorry I put you through that—in the mine, and over all this time—"

"It's okay. I don't hold it against you. I just need to know …" He pulled back enough that they were able to see each other's faces. "Do you understand, now … how I feel about you?"

Rey nodded slowly. "I'm starting to. I knew that you cared, I just … I didn't realize … I guess I couldn't really believe it."

Ben touched her face, and Rey fleetingly wondered if he was going to kiss her, but then he dropped his hand and let go of her. She took a step back and sat down again as he began to speak, the words coming more easily after giving her the context.

"I've been here for five years now, trying to accept the reality that we won't be … that we won't have a future together beyond a long-distance friendship. I guess I've been hoping these feelings would go away, or change, or lessen. But they haven't. If anything, I think I love you more now than I did when I came here. The whole time I've been here, the thing that kept me going was the hope of seeing you. I tried not to hope for more than that. But I can't help it. And when it looked like you were about to die, I was terrified … not just that I'd lose you, but that you would never know how loved you are … and that I'd never know whether you felt the same way."

Rey was calmer now, though different emotions still warred inside her. There was still a great deal of confusion in her, but she had to offer him what relief and assurance she could. "Ben … on Exegol, when I kissed you … did you understand why I did that?"

"I thought it had something to do with the fact that I had just saved your life."

"Well, yes, that was part of it. I was—I am—grateful for that. But … that was the first time it seemed … alright for me to kiss you, or even care about you."

Ben looked at her with raised brow. "Had you thought about it before?"

She averted her eyes. "Not intentionally. What I mean is … it was the first time I could let myself feel that way, and act on that feeling. Before that—I hadn't understood what I felt, and when I did, I was afraid to let myself feel that way, when you were—"

"Acting like an idiot," he acknowledged.

"I was going to say 'killing my friends,'" Rey said tersely.

Ben tried to look back on the events with this new knowledge. "So—in the throne room—and after that—you had feelings for me?"

Rey closed her eyes, hugging herself. "Yes. Even before that …" She looked up at him, shy, almost bashful. "The first time I saw your face, when you took off your helmet—I was stunned. I didn't expect you to be a real person. I didn't want to think of you as one. It's easier to hate a monster, something or someone that's different from you." A rueful smile crossed her features. "And then when you blatantly kept your shirt off for an entire conversation through the Force … well, I wasn't prepared to deal with that."

"With what?" Ben pressed, half teasing and half serious.

"With you. With the idea that there was anything … attractive, or desirable … or likeable about you. That despite what an awful person you were, there was something in you I was drawn to."

Ben could not stop the self-satisfied smile that spread across his face. Even five years later, it pleased him to know he had been right about the effect he had on her back then.

"What about now?" he asked, his voice soft and inviting.

Rey's thoughts were not coherent enough to share telepathically, so she did not offer to show him that way. Instead she tried to sum them up as best she could with words. "Now … I can honestly say … there are a lot of things I like about you. Not just that you're good-looking—which I'm willing to admit. You're brave, and strong in so many ways. I don't know if you're the same way all the time, but you're always patient with me. Being with you feels easy now." She wrung her hands in her lap, looking almost guilty. "Every time I leave you, it feels—unnatural. Like I'm going against an instinct, or telling myself I can do without some necessity. I feel as though I should be staying with you, not leaving you behind."

Ben hesitated, then decided to share what had long felt like a shameful secret. "When you brought me here … I wanted to ask you to stay."

She looked at him in wonder, her brow clouded with confusion. "Why didn't you?"

"Because up until then, whenever I had asked you to join me, you had said no. I didn't want to go through that again. And if you said yes, I would have been taking you from the world. I didn't want to hold you back."

"Ben, by then the war was over and you were finally on the right path. If you had said the word, I would have at least considered it. We could have made it work, somehow."

He looked at her pointedly and asked, "Do you think it could work now?"

There it was—the real reason for this conversation: not so much to confirm or clarify their feelings, but to decide, once and for all, whether and how much to act on them.

Rey opened her mouth, but no sound came out; she looked lost. Ben attempted to rephrase the question. "Do you think there's any possibility of us having a future together?"

Rey was not sure what he meant. "I can't imagine my future without you in it. You're the only constant part of my life. This is the place I can always come back to. And you … I know I can always come to you."

"What I meant was … if we love each other—in that way, … are we ever going to do anything about it?"

The question hung in the air like a heavy fog. Some of the tears Rey had been holding back leaked from her eyes. Ben realized she looked the way she used to when he first made overtures of an alliance: torn. And no wonder—throwing her lot in with him would be turning her back, to some extent, on the rest of the world.

"We could," she said at last. "I just—I'm not sure what that would look like, with you being here, and …"

"I know. I don't have the luxury of traveling or choosing where to live. But you do. You can decide your own fate—where to live, who to live with, who to love."

A new thought occurred to Rey. She looked at him as though seeing clearly for the first time in the course of this conversation. "Ben … have you been waiting for me, all this time?" They both thought of the same thing: Rey's years of waiting on Jakku, hoping for a family that was never coming back.

"Not at first," Ben said slowly. "At least not consciously. But I guess … a part of me always hoped, in spite of myself … that there would be something between us."

"There's always been something between us," Rey insisted. "Hasn't there?"

The way she seemed to take it for granted irritated Ben. "If you knew that, why didn't you say or do anything about it? I mean besides an occasional kiss on the cheek—that's something friends or relatives might do as a greeting."

Rey's cheeks colored again, but it was difficult to tell whether from anger or embarrassment. "I don't know how these things work. People didn't date or marry on Jakku. And I thought you'd want some quiet, after everything that happened."

Now it was Ben's turn to be surprised. "You mean … you've been waiting for me to do something?"

"I don't know," she said miserably. "We'd only just won the war … everything was new, including our relationship … the galaxy was fragile … we were still fragile …"

"No, you're right," Ben conceded, remembering those chaotic days and the emotional turmoil of the following months. "I wasn't in any shape for that kind of commitment. But a lot has changed since then, for both of us."

"Yes."

Ben came and sat down next to her. "When I came here, I told myself I should let you get on with your life … but you're not. You're doing the same thing, working with the Resistance, doing what other people want. What do you want, Rey?"

She turned her face away, looking small, sounding hard. "What I want doesn't matter."

It angered him to hear how easily she said this. "It matters to me."

Rey thought over the question, and finally gave an honest answer. "I want what I've always wanted. A family. A place I could really call home."

"Does the Resistance feel like that?"

She tilted her head to the side, considering. "Sometimes. It's … a community. I guess it's like an extended family. But I don't … have anyone. Unless …" She trailed off.

"What?"

She nudged him with her shoulder. "Well … I do have you."

"Yes, you do. But I can't say the same about you. Poe Dameron was right—you don't owe me anything."

Rey frowned, incredulous. "I owe you everything," she said. "Twice over, in fact."

"Don't give me that—we've saved each other so many times I've lost count. And I—I don't want you to agree to anything, or give me anything, just because you feel bad for me, or think you're indebted to me. So even as close as we are, I don't know what I am to you, or what we can be to each other. Especially since …"

"What?" Rey looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

Ben spoke haltingly, struggling with his words, not merely because they were difficult to find, but because they were difficult to say. "The thing is—I just wonder—you're one of the few people I ever see—and the only woman I may ever see for the rest of my life—but you have more people, including other men, in your life. I guess—everything between us has been open-ended, and I thought I'd be okay with that but … now I'm not. I want to know if I'm just fooling myself. And if—I want to know if—if the Force might connect us someday for you to tell me that you're seeing someone, or getting married—" He stopped, trying to collect himself, and clenched his fists at his sides, as though bracing himself for something painful. "If you … want to be with someone else … I won't hold you back. I just don't want to hold on to false hope."

Rey stared at him for a long moment, speechless. She was touched, but also troubled, and unsure which of her many thoughts to voice first. "That's … that's incredibly selfless, Ben."

He grunted. "I'm trying. I don't know if I could do it, but I'd try."

There was a short silence before Rey spoke, her tone ambivalent. "I guess … I haven't really thought about love, or marriage—at least, not seriously. Maybe in the abstract. I … I like the idea of having children, although that—well, there would be a lot to consider with that, given my bloodline …"

The idea of having children had hardly crossed Ben's mind, but as soon as she said it, he could immediately picture it in his mind's eye. She would be a wonderful mother—but him, a father? That was unthinkable. And her words brought home the bleak reality of their ancestry, the legacy that must be passed on to any biological children either of them had.

Rey was still talking, almost thinking out loud. "I guess I can't see myself … being so close with anyone else. And I think it would be hard to be married to someone else when the Force keeps connecting me to you."

Ben looked at her, then at the stone floor. He seemed to be wrestling with an idea. Then he said, with difficulty, "If our bond is … a barrier to something you want—someone you want to be with … we could …" He swallowed and finished, "We could close this off."

Rey was startled, and then felt a painful kind of horror. "I don't want that," she said adamantly.

"You don't?" Ben could not hide his relief.

"No. That's good of you, to be willing to let go; but I want to know that you're okay. I'm happy knowing that you're alive and free and …" She trailed off, becoming unsure. "Are you … happy?"

He considered the question, never taking his eyes from hers. "I'm happiest when I see you," he said frankly. Then, as he had in times past, he deflected the matter back to her. "Are you happy, Rey?"

She bowed her head, looking slightly frustrated, almost ashamed. "I try to be. I know should be."

He touched her hand lightly. "I want you to be happy. I would make you happy if I could."

She turned her hand over to grasp his. "You do make me happy, Ben."

His eyes darted from her face to their hands, and then back. "Do I, really? I thought …"

"What?"

"Well, don't I … remind you of them? My family?"

"Oh—sometimes, yes. But most of the time … you make me happy just by being yourself. By being there for me. Listening. Talking. Being my friend."

"I would do it all the time, if I could." He turned fully toward her and took both of her hands in his own. "You once told me you thought I deserved peace. But if anyone deserves to live in peace, it's you. You could have that here."

Rey looked at him with equal parts hope and fear. Ben realized intuitively that she was afraid to hope, afraid to consider the choices that were available to her, afraid to trust the possibility of happiness for herself. And she had good reason to hesitate: choosing one path would mean forsaking others, and pursuing this potential happiness would necessitate leaving behind that which she already had.

"I'm sorry. I … you have a life … I don't want to make it more complicated. But, Rey …" He touched her face, wiping away the tracks left by her tears. "… you and me … it's not impossible. We can be together. If that's what you want. If you don't want that, I'll … I'll respect that. At least, I'll try to. Just don't leave me in this uncertainty."

Rey swallowed, and after a moment she nodded. "I'll think about it. This is … there's a lot to think, and even more to talk about. I … I'll try to have an answer—or the start of one—by the next time we see each other."

Ben nodded. He started to lean forward, but then retreated, standing up straight again. Rey thought about giving him a kiss, but she realized it would have been more out of a sense of apology than affection, and that seemed wrong at this moment. Instead she squeezed his hands, their nonverbal sign that they were there for each other, that they cared about each other and wanted to be connected. He returned the pressure, his eyes softening; he looked, somehow, both sorrowful and hopeful.

When they let go, they vanished from each other's sight.

Author's Notes

Readers, thank you for your patience in waiting for this chapter! I had to put off updating my stories because I was in a production of one of my favorite musicals, Newsies. Interestingly, while watching the dialogue leading up to the song "Something to Believe In," I realized that what I was working on for Rey and Ben's dialogue was like some of Jack and Katherine's dialogue about their relationship! I also found myself thinking of the song "Where Do We Go From Here" from Amélie as I prepared to post this.

This chapter was not an easy one to write. It almost felt like a playwriting exercise, because it was so dialogue-heavy (especially compared to the more introspective parts of this story) and involved so many character intentions. I imagined so many different parts of the conversation and different ways it could go. Last month was the anniversary of the release of the official trailer for The Last Jedi, and rewatching that trailer that made me want to revisit Rey and Ben's formerly antagonistic relationship, bringing back some of the old tension between them. Please let me know in reviews what you think of the end result!

Also, the episode of my friend's podcast "Everything You Never Needed to Know About Movies, Music & Theatre" in which we discussed the Sequel Trilogy has been released! You can find it on Spotify, Anchor, or Apple Podcasts. If you can stand to listen to all the times I say "um" and "like" (I'm trying to break that habit), you can hear my defense of Reylo, Bendemption, and The Last Jedi.