Published May 4, 2022. Happy Star Wars Day!

Content Warning: this chapter contains discussions about fertility, menstruation, sex, and pregnancy.

"Resolution"

We all fail each other; none of us is totally trustworthy; but the more we are trusted, the more we become worthy of trust. ~ Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water

The days and weeks following Rey's extended visit were strangely similar to the beginning of Ben's exile, though with some notable differences.

In his years on Ahch-To, Ben had grown accustomed to living in solitude. But after basking in Rey's presence there, the island felt as lonely as it had been when he first arrived. Everything seemed quieter without her, and the silence was more difficult to bear. His hut felt colder, even when he stoked the fire and wrapped himself in a blanket. He would not have thought it possible, but he missed Rey more keenly than ever.

After the war, the novelty of having a positive relationship with each other had made them happy, if a little tentative. Now, they were positively giddy. But at both times, their happiness was tinged with sorrow at being apart.

Thankfully, the Force did not allow them to go very long without seeing each other. When those moments of connection took place, they were quicker to reach out and kiss or embrace each other. Even if it was just a minute, that was enough time to cradle the other's face in their hands and whisper a few words of affection and encouragement.

They had known all along that they would be a part of each other's life, and the nature of those intertwined paths seemed more assured than ever. They no longer felt resigned or wistful about their future, either as individuals or as a couple. Their hopes and desires were more definable and attainable. They allowed themselves to dwell on thoughts of the other, and doing so filled them with hope and pleasure.

As she eased back into her usual activities, Rey felt as though she were carrying a wonderful secret. Part of her wanted to keep it close and hidden, but another part wanted to shout it for everyone to hear.

She confided a little bit in Finn and Rose and Chewbacca, since they knew about her visit and already had some idea of how things were going in her and Ben's relationship. They earnestly offered help in selecting and training apprentices to take over the different areas of her work. Without revealing any details, Rey gave Ben general updates on how this process was going, and she remained optimistic about her ability to transition out of the Resistance when the time came.

Ben envied her a little for having her work and other friends to distract her from missing him. But his solitude proved good for one thing: it gave him time and space to give due consideration to the matters Rey had brought up at the end of her visit.

Ben had no defensible objection to having a formal wedding and a legal marriage. There were even some aspects of it that excited him. The only drawback he could see in it would be the pressure to make the event as nice as possible for Rey, with everything to her liking; but he could ask their friends offworld to help with that.

Whether they would have children was another matter entirely, and a far more complicated one.

The idea was strange, yet beautiful—their blood, their flesh, their genes mixed into an entirely separate being. As foreign as it seemed, there was something undeniably enticing about it. But Ben found it difficult to picture himself as a parent.

He had virtually no experience with children, while Rey's came from the few years she had been working with refugees. Neither of them had an exemplary model of parenthood to follow, as hers had been absent and his had been dysfunctional at best. She would have to teach him whatever she knew; other than that, they would be learning as they went.

It might be nice, at least initially. A child would not judge him, would not withhold love or trust from him. But, inevitably, there would come a day when Ben must come clean about his past and explain why he could not be part of society. He knew better than to imagine he could keep his darkest deeds a secret—his own family had fallen apart after his mother kept her lineage from him and the rest of the galaxy. What if, after learning his history, they hated and feared him? They would certainly have good reason, Ben knew.

And who knew what kind of person their child would be? What if they inherited both parents' tempers? They would have quite the family tree, created by the joining of two notorious dynasties … what qualities might they inherit from the past generations?

Rey was the one person he felt he could truly depend on. She was reliable, knowable, and trustworthy. A child—a person who did not even exist yet—would be unknown, unpredictable, uncontrollable. And that variability was difficult to accept.

Deep down, Ben still liked to feel in control. It may have been base, selfish, cowardly, and contrary to everything he had been working toward for the past several years; but the desire for control had always been there, ever since he was a child. Throughout his life, he had lacked control over his circumstances and his own powers. Looking back, he could see how that had influenced his draw to the First Order as a political organization. He had never cared much about political or military power, but when he saw the power vacuum left by Snoke, he had jumped at the opportunity to exert his will over others. Now, he was the master of nothing except himself and the home and possessions the Resistance allowed him to have.

For the past five years, Ben's life had been more or less free of risk. And this seemed far riskier than any of the death-defying things he had done in his life, because it involved other people's free will. He could not rely on himself and his abilities to carry out this task. Even if he did everything right, there was no telling what a child might do with their free will, or what they might experience in such a crazy and dangerous galaxy.

After about a month, Rey had the chance to visit briefly in person. A storm forced them to take shelter indoors, and since they only had a short amount of time, they were quicker to broach the topic that was on both their minds.

Ben tried to be direct without being blunt. "Do you really think we'd be good parents? I mean, for you, I can see it; but me?"

Rey's gaze was clear and simple. "Yes. I think you would be. When you care about people, you care very deeply. You're also gentle and sensitive and patient. If you treated a child half as well as you treat me, they would be lucky to have you."

Ben still found it strange to hear compliments, and hard to believe them. It was easy to be gentle and sensitive and patient with Rey, but he was pretty sure they were his not most constant attributes.

"Do you … not want kids?" Rey asked, trying to sound neutral.

Despite having had some time to consider it, Ben still had difficulty finding the words to express his feelings. "I'm not … opposed to the idea," he said slowly. "Part of me likes it … or at least some aspects of it. But … I'm not sure it would be a good thing for us to do."

Rey tried not to look crestfallen, but he could sense her disappointment. "Tell me why," she entreated.

"Well, to start with: what do either of us know about parenting?"

"Nothing yet, but we'll learn."

"How?"

She countered her question with one of her own: "How did you learn to love me, or make me feel so loved?"

"I'll tell you how: I made a thousand stupid, destructive mistakes—killing a lot of people in the process—before finally getting advice from my dead relatives. How can you think I'm qualified to teach a child morals, after everything I've done—everything that brought me here?" At this last word, he gestured to his surroundings, indicating his exile.

Rey spoke with the patience of a teacher. "If you understand what it was that drove you to make your mistakes, you can help other people avoid making the same ones. I've been hoping you might do that for other Force-sensitive people, if I brought them here to visit; but it might be easier with your own children. And If we really needed help, I could always ask for it."

"Ask who? My family's ghosts? I don't want to bother them—it's painful for them to manifest themselves to us."

"I was thinking of my friends who grew up with parents, or have families of their own. Rose has living relatives, and there are some people in the Resistance who have children. I can ask them for advice on anything we're unsure about. We don't have to be alone in raising them."

Outside, the wind picked up, and thunder could be heard in the distance. That reminded Ben of another reservation. "Do you think Ahch-To is a good place to raise a family?"

Rey looked at him with a measure of incredulity that he did not understand. "Are you kidding?"

"No, it's a serious question. It's not exactly a friendly, welcoming environment."

"It's full of life, and energy. And porgs! I would have loved to grow up with porgs around. Besides, it's so isolated, it's probably the safest place in the galaxy."

"Sure, as long as you don't fall off a cliff or wander into the blowhole," Ben said sarcastically. Rey gave him a withering look, and he raised his hands in self-defense. "What? I'm being realistic. Kids get into all kinds of trouble. And—I know from experience—sometimes good intentions aren't enough."

To her credit, Rey did not get upset with him. She sat quietly, tilting her head as she studied him. "You still haven't forgiven your parents?"

Ben ran a hand through his hair. "It's not that I don't … at least, I try. I know that not all of it was their fault, that they were trying to do the right thing. But they made mistakes. And I am their son."

"That doesn't mean you're destined to do the same things as them. You know, I've talked with a lot of people about the wars that have taken place over the last half-century. Each of the last three generations have had their own major, interplanetary conflict. We've only just started to realize how and why events repeated themselves. And everyone thinks it's time to break the cycle, to do things differently than our parents and grandparents did."

"Do you really believe that's possible?" His question held more wonder than skepticism.

Rey shrugged one shoulder, smiling slightly. "I have to believe that, or else give in to despair. I have to choose hope and turn toward the light."

Ben could not stop himself from smiling. "Spoken like a true Jedi."

That comment made her pause. "Actually … having children, and raising them ourselves, would make us very different from the old Jedi—and even from us. All the past generations—including you, me, and your family—were taken from their parents as children. But our children won't have that experience."

Putting aside the matter of his own abilities for now, Ben pressed on about another, perhaps more important concern. "Have you thought about the power they would have? I mean, if either of us had a child with someone who wasn't Force-sensitive, that would already risk passing on a lot of power; but with our combined bloodlines … that would be a huge responsibility for them, and could draw attention in a bad way."

"That is a good point," Rey conceded. "But they would have the two of us to train them, and protect them."

"We couldn't protect them from the truth about their families. Someday they would learn about everything I did, and everything their great-grandfathers did. That could really mess with their minds."

Rey nodded in acknowledgement. "That would be hard. But if they heard it from us, early on—not all at once, but gradually—it wouldn't be as much of a shock for them as it was for us."

"What if we adopted instead?"

Rey bit her lip, looking uncomfortable for the first time. "I did think of that. If I happened to find a child who had lost its parents, that might work … but the new government has a system in place to make sure orphans go to good homes, and good parents …"

"… and a war criminal in exile wouldn't qualify," Ben guessed.

"Probably not."

They sat in silence for a short while. There was something else Ben wanted to ask about, that had eaten away at his inner peace as he thought over the subject.

"Would you be … unhappy if we didn't have children? Because even if we try, there's no guarantee that we'll be able to have any. Would that … change how you feel about me, or about being with me?"

"No, Ben, not at all." Rey leaned over and squeezed his hand in reassurance. "I want to marry you for you, not for what you can give me. I'd be happier being childless with you than a mother with someone else."

"So … would you be okay with not having kids, if I don't feel ready for that?"

Rey pursed her lips, thinking this over. "I wouldn't ask you to do anything you don't want to. But I'd expect you to do the same for me. And I don't want to cut off the possibility of having children."

The way she phrased it made Ben wonder about the extent of her knowledge. "Do you know the different ways to do that? It wouldn't have to be something permanent like surgery; there are temporary ways, with medications or herbs. Then we'd be free to change our minds, if we wanted."

"So I've heard," Rey said, a bit cool. "I read up on it after my last visit. And I'd really rather not try those ways."

Surprised by her certainty, Ben spoke tentatively, unsure whether he was overstepping. "Can I ask why?"

Rey did not answer right away. When she did, her voice was tight. "I don't like the idea of treating my fertility like a disease. Those drugs stop the female body from doing what it's designed to do—actually working against what it's supposed to do. It would be like trying to fix something that isn't broken. And I …" She broke off, and pressed her palm against her chin and cheek.

"What is it?" Ben pressed, concerned.

She did not meet his eyes. "I'm not sure you'll understand."

"Try me."

She began with a question he had not expected, though it was not completely unrelated to what they were discussing. "Do you know how menstruation works?"

"Uh—I'm not terribly familiar, but I have a general idea."

"Well, a healthy female human usually has a regular cycle—periods when she's fertile and infertile. Each month, her body prepares to make a baby; but if she doesn't conceive one, that makes her bleed, usually for the same number of days each time."

That confirmed what Ben could remember learning long ago. "Okay … so …"

"So, that's if a woman is healthy, her body's system working normally. But my cycle didn't become regular until a while after I joined the Resistance. Our doctor said it was because I was underweight and malnourished when I was growing up." Rey's hand moved absently over her abdomen. "When it happens, it's uncomfortable and annoying to deal with; but it's also been sort of comforting for me, because it's a sign that everything is working right, so I can have children. When I think of that—that ability, that potential I have … it seems like an incredible gift, after everything I was deprived of."

Ben had not thought about it that way. He remembered sifting through Rey's memories of Jakku and seeing how she had clung to life in the harshest conditions. Any flower she came across seemed like a miracle in the barren desert. No wonder she had always valued life, especially the most vulnerable.

Rey was hesitant as she continued, trying to put her thoughts into words. "Maybe you can't understand, as a man … but when I think about pregnancy … it's like thinking about … well, sex itself. For a woman, they both involve connecting and being one, physically, with another distinct being. So the two experiences are related in my mind. I don't want them to necessarily be separate, because they're both beautiful, and they're both about love and connection." She looked to him as though seeking confirmation. "Does that make any sense?"

"… Yeah, I guess." Ben was not fully convinced of her point of view, but he realized one thing: she should not have to give up part of herself—a good, beautiful part of herself—because of his insecurity.

She would already be giving up so much to live with him. How could he ask her to give up this deep-seated desire—especially after he had urged her to be selfish for once in her life?

"I can't deny that the idea of having kids scares me a little too," Rey admitted. "But if there's one thing I've learned from your family, it's that we shouldn't make decisions based on fear."

Ben smiled and put his arm around her, hugging her to his side. "Easy for you to say. You're the bravest person I know."

She leaned into him, then spoke thoughtfully. "I think … maybe the opposite, or antidote, of fear isn't just bravery."

"Then what is?"

She kissed his cheek and nestled her head on his shoulder, resting her hand over his heart. "Love."

That visit left Ben with a lot to think about, as if he had not enough already.

He still worried about his own abilities, or lack thereof. It had been a long time since anyone really depended on him. What if he could not provide what this potential family needed, materially or emotionally? What if, despite his best efforts, he hurt them without meaning to?

He wondered, for the first time, how his father had felt when his mother was pregnant. Han Solo had been infamous for his confidence, bordering on arrogance. Had he approached the prospect of parenthood the same way?

Ben's intuition grated against this thought. As far as he could remember, Han had never acted confident about his decisions concerning his son. Something in Ben's mind clicked, then: perhaps that was why Han had distanced himself as Ben grew older. Maybe he thought his son was better off without him. Remorse filled Ben's heart as he thought of this, wishing more than ever that he could ask whether this was the case. If only Han had realized that what his son needed was his presence … the assurance of his love.

Upon reflection, Ben realized that Rey was right about love and fear. His parents and uncle had feared that he had too much darkness in him, and that fear torn their family apart, eventually driving him to become the very thing they feared. He had been so hurt by their lack of trust, and eventually was convinced that he was unworthy of their love. It would be hypocritical for him to fear what his own child might become.

When Ben thought about the pain his parents had caused him, and the pain he had caused them, he was terrified of being too much like his own parents and repeating their mistakes. But Rey seemed to believe that they could break that pattern, and part of Ben wanted to raise his children differently, to be the kind of father he had wanted.

Since Rey herself had introduced the subject, he let himself imagine what he had long tried to avoid thinking about: the two of them uniting physically, becoming one in body as well as spirit. He had to fight back a shiver, and other physical reactions, at the thought of how that would feel.

Then he imagined Rey carrying his child, first in her womb and then in her arms; a child that had some combination of their features. He imagined Rey nursing their child at her breast—what a wonder for her, after years of near-starvation, to be able to produce food from her body.

He could easily picture her teaching their child how to eat, talk, walk, read, build, fight, and fly. She would be happy having someone to love and nurture. She was already so warm, caring, fun, and practical. Ben had no doubt that she would be a wonderful mother and a true homemaker.

Then he tried to imagine himself in that scenario, mostly watching as Rey took the lead. She was always trying to get him to connect with others—Chewbacca, Finn, even his ancestors—and he could just picture her pulling him in to join whatever she was doing.

Rey had changed the course of his life with her kindness and dogged determination. She had defied the odds so many times, and made him believe in things he had previously considered impossible. She had helped him heal far more than he dared to hope. She had enabled him to become a better person, taught him how to be a friend and a lover. Could she show him how to be a parent as well?

He believed in her, and she believed in him. Would that faith be enough?

Thinking about the long term, he realized there was something else to consider. He knew how much Rey craved a family, and he never wanted her to experience loneliness again. But if he died before she did—which seemed likely, since he was a decade older than her—he would want her to still have some family to keep her company for the remainder of her life.

He could never repay her for all she had done for him, or make up for all she would be sacrificing to be with him. But if he could give her the family she had always wanted, that might just come close.

Ben waited until the next time Rey visited him in person, some weeks later, on the pretext of delivering supplies. After they had unloaded the crates, Ben asked if they could talk. He did not sit, so she also remained standing, waiting to hear what he had to say.

"I've been thinking about what you said … about having children," he began.

Rey said nothing, but her heart began to beat faster.

"If it would make you happy … if it means that much to you …"

She held her breath.

"I can't guarantee I'll be a good … husband … or father. But … I am willing to try, and I would promise to do my best."

Rey released her breath with a sob, and threw her arms around him. Ben held her close and kissed her hair while she whispered tearfully, "Thank you. Thank you."

For a minute they just held each other. Ben stroked her hair and rubbed her back. "If you're sure you want to do this …"

"I am."

"… then I guess there's only one question left."

Rey pulled back with a frown. "What's that?"

Ben gently removed her hands from him, then took a step back and knelt down on one knee. It had been a long time since he knelt to anyone, and it was the first time he could remember doing so to someone who truly deserved the gesture.

Rey's eyes widened in recognition as he held his hand out to her, palm-up—an offer, an invitation, a supplication all at once.

"Rey of Jakku, will you accept my hand, and give me yours, in marriage?"

She took a breath, smiling as she fought back more tears, and slipped her hand in his as she answered, "Yes."

He placed his other hand over hers, feeling like he was finally claiming it. Before he could stand, she knelt down and reached for his face with her free hand. It felt like they were already making their vows.

"There's nothing I want more in the whole galaxy," Rey whispered, brushing her thumb over his cheek. Ben trembled with emotion, and they both moved forward on their knees until there was no space left between them. They relinquished each other's hands only to put their arms around each other as they kissed.

No words in any language, written or spoken, could have better expressed how profoundly happy they were.

Kissing dissolved into laughing and crying, overwhelmed with joy. Rey settled herself in his lap, clinging to him as they transitioned to cuddling.

"How soon?" Ben asked.

"Finn is planning to propose to Rose soon—he asked me to help him choose a ring when I get back. Once they're settled, I'll tell everyone the news. It shouldn't take long after that." She touched his face tenderly. "Can you wait for me?"

"Can I trust you to come back?" he countered.

She rested her forehead against his and promised, "Always."

This time, Ben was less reluctant to let her get up and leave, because the sooner she took care of her duties in the Resistance, the sooner she would be able to return for good.

Before she left, he went over to the door and took down an object hanging from a hook on the wall above it. Then he came back to her, and with his other hand he grasped hers. "I don't have a ring, but maybe this will do for now." He kissed the object and pressed it into her hand. "You can keep these for me, as a promise that you'll come back."

When he let go, Rey found herself holding the dice that had belonged to Han Solo. She smiled at Ben, then kissed the dice and slipped them into her pocket.

One day, not long afterwards, Ben sensed a surge of unbridled joy through the Force. It was not often that he sensed Rey's emotions outside of their moments of connection through the Force, so he knew it must be something significant.

He was glad when she appeared a short while later, still feeling residual delight and excitement. "What's going on?" he asked, curious as to what gave her such an effervescent glow.

She smiled broadly. "Finn and Rose just announced that they're getting married!"

"Really?" Ben could not hide his own eagerness. The sooner Rey's friends married, the sooner she could reveal her own engagement. But all he said now was, "Good on them. Give them my congratulations."

She was pleased, if still slightly surprised, by this reaction. "You mean that?"

"Well, I don't really hate Finn anymore. And Rose was kind to me, the few times I saw her." He smiled slightly. "I'm just a little jealous that they get to have their big day so much sooner than us."

Rey's smile was sympathetic. She took his hand in hers, and he was pleased to see the dice's chain tied like a bracelet around her wrist.

"It won't be much longer," she reminded him.

He nodded, and kissed the hand that had been promised to him.

The preparations for Finn and Rose's nuptials was a recurring topic in Rey and Ben's conversations over the next few months.

Rey and Poe were given the responsibility of assisting the bride and groom respectively, which was a great honor as well as a sign of close friendship.

Ben was not sure he had ever seen anyone so happy for another person's sake as Rey was for her two friends. It mystified him a little, but when he asked about it, Rey's explanation was simple.

"It's like how you're happy when you see me happy. Finn and Rose have been through a lot, and they've come a long way. Seeing them find happiness means a lot to me."

"And here I thought it was all vicarious enjoyment."

Rey made a face. "Even if we could, I don't think I would want a big wedding with crowds of people. That's how this is shaping up to be, with the number coming to pay their respects."

Ben grinned, some of his old wickedness in his eye. "Well, when I was the Supreme Leader, I did have this one fantasy. A royal wedding and coronation ceremony, broadcast over the HoloNet and archived for posterity—"

Rey covered her mouth, but could not fully hide her snickering. "Now you tell me?"

"Would you have said yes, if I'd told you that's what I was thinking?"

"Probably not," she said, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "I'd rather have something small with our friends."

"Then that's what we'll have."

She smiled, and the joy in it was her own. "Part of me can't believe it's really going to happen."

"Me too."

The only aspect of the Tico wedding that less than pleased Rey was the fact that she could not bring a date. But, to their mutual delight, the Force connected her with Ben that very day.

Ben knew at once what the occasion was, despite the time difference between the planets. Rey was wearing a dress of muted red fabric, and her hair had flowers woven into a braid that wrapped around her head like a crown.

She brightened at the sight of him. "Hey! I wasn't expecting to see you—the reception is going on now."

"How is it going?"

"Everything has been perfect so far." She glanced over her shoulder, looking amused. "Poe seems to be patching things up with his girlfriend."

"Really? You mean he's actually had a girlfriend?"

Rey nodded. "Her name is Zorii. From what I can tell, they've been on and off for a long time." She turned back to Ben. "You can't hear the music, can you?"

"No."

They looked at each other, and then Rey held out her hand. Dubious, Ben placed his hand over hers, and closed his eyes.

Then, he heard it: music, laughter, and the clinking of glass and metal and ceramics. He could also smell the air, full of delicious aromas. He inhaled sharply, and Rey understood from his reaction that he could perceive at least some aspects of her surroundings.

Suddenly a shrill, startled voice cried out, "Supreme Leader!"

Startled, they both turned and saw the speaker, a young man who was staring at Ben as though seeing a reawakened corpse. Ben had no idea who this person was, but Rey moved between the two of them and said, "It's okay—I'm sorry, Ben, we'll talk later." Then she let go of his hand and stepped away, leaving him standing alone, unsettled and a little hurt.

Since the war ended, Rey had never pushed him away like that, and she had never acted guilty or ashamed about associating with him. Why did she care so much about this person being scandalized? Who was he to her? And who had he been to Supreme Leader Kylo Ren?

It was a few hours later, when Rey was finally alone, that the Force saw fit to connect them again. She had let her hair down and was brushing it out.

"Everything okay?" Ben asked.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about earlier. I should have known better."

"Who was it that saw me?"

Rey sighed, avoiding his eyes for a moment before looking up at him. "He was a stormtrooper. He went through our rehabilitation program. He's actually been doing much better than many others. But seeing you again—it triggered memories and emotions that he's only recently learned how to process. I was able to calm him down, but I'm not sure how much he trusts me now, after learning about our connection."

Ben felt like his stomach had been twisted and tied into a knot. "He's not going to be a problem, is he?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean—since he saw me with you—he's not going to go around spreading rumors or anything, is he?"

"No, he won't."

After a heavy pause, Ben tried to shift to a more cheerful, nonchalant tone. "Well, other than that, how was the wedding?"

Rey immediately smiled. "It was so beautiful. I truly wish you could have been there. I know you don't know Finn and Rose well, and you haven't really seen them together, but they're so sweet and funny, and such good friends … I'm just so happy for them."

"I'm glad you had a good time."

She smiled at him, then cupped her hands around his neck and kissed him. "Next time will be ours," she promised.

"I'm holding you to that," Ben warned. He brushed aside some stray hairs that had fallen into her face. "Do you think they'll be as happy for you and me, when it's our turn?"

Rey answered honestly. "I'm sure some will be. Others, not so much. Some probably won't know how to feel."

"Have you decided when to tell them?"

"After Finn and Rose get back from their honeymoon. I figure I'll wait a few days and let them settle back into work. So it'll be about a standard month from now."

"Let me know when you're about to do it. And let me know how it goes."

"I will."

He kissed her again. "Good luck."