I basically had this idea while going on a nostalgia trip and reading some old fanfic favorites of mine from years past. This fic is heavily inspired from the old Group of Weirdos stories. The first one was published in 2006 so that should tell ya how long I've read fanfics.

I hadn't been writing much and thought something like this would be a fun way to keep my creativity flowing. It's gonna maybe be mostly comedic with a dash of seriousness

because why the hell not?

I decided to have Linkle be the protag for no real reason. I like girls, I guess. ^^;

Don't expect much out of this, it's just self-indulgent nonsense for now, but then again some of my best stuff started that way.

Sorry for the preamble. Enjoy!

Chapter One

Premonitions in the Woods

The rain fell in a furious downpour. Linkle could see lightning flashing in the sky, dark clouds surrounding a great building. She stirred, turned, watching as a pale white steed galloped past, riding away at a breakneck pace.

A chill ran down her spine, and she found herself spinning again, and gasping as a huge dark figure loomed over her, raising a hand, a smile that radiated pure malice…

Linkle felt as though she was looking evil in the eye.

With a yelp, the tiny girl fell right out of bed and onto her face. "...Ow."

This was the third time this week that Linkle had fallen out of bed. She was really getting tired of it. With a long-suffering sigh, the green-garbed child dragged herself back into the cozy warmth of her nice little bed, rolling herself about in the blankets until she was cozily nestled back in. The soft patter of rain just outside her treehouse soothed her somewhat.

I really need to stop eating so much before bed. She decided before drifting off into a slightly more peaceful slumber.

As the hours passed, the sun broke over the Kokiri Forest, bathing the little town tucked within in a soft green light, emerald leaves reflecting the sun in a scene of tranquil silence.

But all was far from well.

"Navi…. Navi, wherefore art thou, Navi?" A deep rumbling voice emanated from the center of the forest.

"That's not your line and that's not what that means." A tiny blue light flitted in front of the tree with a scolding tone of voice. "You and I both know that's not what that means. I assume you meant to ask something like "where art thou" but that's just stupid."

"My mistake." The Great Deku Tree, guardian of the forest lands, cleared his throat (which, yes, he did in fact have). "I meant to say where art thou…"

"Can it." The little fairy, Navi, muttered. "You and your fake old-timey talk. Do you ever get tired of it? Because all of us do. All the fairies. Stop it."

"I'm old and senile Navi. Let me be." The tree sighed, idly wondering if this was a good idea. "Whatever. Fine. It's finally time. Evil has come. A curse has been laid upon me."

"...Evil? Are you sure it isn't heartburn?" Navi tilted slightly in the air, puzzled.

The Great Deku Tree idly wished he was mobile so he could swat the impertinent little fairy, grumbling as he continued.

"Enough. Go forth into the village, and find the girl without a fairy. Linkle… she is destined to save us. To save all of Hyrule."

The seriousness of his voice shut down any smart remarks, and Navi gave a little salute. "Yessir! I'll bring her right over!"

It took a little wandering, but soon, Navi drifted through the doorway into Linkle's room, where the girl was sleeping. She looked pretty tired, actually. If the fate of all Hyrule wasn't at stake, Navi would have let her nap a bit longer.

"Hey! Get up, you!" She called, bouncing up and down. Linkle didn't even twitch. With a growl, Navi gripped one of her ears and shouted. "LINKLE!"

Linkle shuddered, but did not seem to fully register. Navi shook her head in despair.

"Goddesses, forgive me for what I am about to do."

She took a deep, slow breath.

"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH-"

That did the trick. Linkle shot straight out of bed clutching a pillow to her chest, eyes wide and panicky.

"Who's there?!" She demanded, waving the pillow around threateningly. "I know how to use this!"

"Finally!" Navi huffed, floating neatly in Linkle's face. "Hiya! Good morning lazybones. I'm Navi! The Great Deku Tree wants to see you!" She quickly dodged an instinctive swat from Linkle, who pawed the air.

"Please, not so close to my eyes!" The Kokiri girl whined, rubbing the sleep from her face, blinking as the blue light fluttered back a bit, having accidentally blinded her. "...Wait… A fairy? Like, do I for reals, get a real fairy?"

"Uh… I mean I guess?" Navi shrugged. "Nice to meetcha. Anyway. Tree! Wants to see ya! Go! Talk!"

Linkle nodded, tugging her boots on, and pulling her hood on over her head. The rain had stopped, and the forest had a pleasant scent about it. Linkle exited her home, stretching for a moment in the sun, smiling pleasantly, before taking a step and nearly tumbling right off her balcony.

"Hyrule is doomed." Navi murmured, watching Linkle catch herself and slide down to the ground.

"Linkle!" A cheery voice called. Linkle stood, tipping her head.

"Oh… Saria! G'morning!"

"...It's two in the afternoon."

"It's morning somewhere." Linkle waved her off. Navi yanked on her ear.

"Come on! Tree! Now!" Navi hissed. Linkle whined.

"Ow, ow! Let me say hello to my friend!" She whimpered, as Navi dragged her along. "I got a fairy!" She managed, as Saria nervously gave them both a little wave. She wasn't feeling keen on getting yelled at by the little blue fairy. She could chat with Linkle later.

Navi was in such a rush that she didn't even notice Mido, dragging Linkle right over him, accidentally trampling the "boss" of the Kokiri.

"You can't do that!" He whined as Navi dragged Linkle away.

As they walked, three withered Deku Babas reared up from the earth with a hiss.

"Look! A fairy kid! Get her, Lyle!" Hissed the furthest one from Linkle.

"Yah! Die!" Lyle growled, wiggling at Linkle. Linkle took a single step back. "...Curse you! You wretch! Face me like a warrior!"

Linkle blew a raspberry, and continued down the forest path towards the Great Deku Tree.

He was fast asleep.

"Well crap." She mumbled. "I don't think he's gonna be awake any time soon. Guess I should head back and do stuff for a bit."

Navi groaned. "Old and useless. Sends me out to getcha and can't even stay awake that long. Uh… Sorry about the ear?"

Linkle shook her head and just despairingly walked back, ignoring a blathering Mido as she stormed past him. God that brat was annoying. Feeling rather vindictive, Linkle crept to his house and robbed it. She wasn't the first one, of course, the building was covered in graffiti, the wood of the tree-home had rude things carved into it…

Mido never seemed to notice. He would just brag about how his "underlings" were decorating his home. Linkle was pretty sure a few Kokiri were considering just dragging him into the lost woods and ditching him there forever. His fairy would guide him back, eventually.

Navi didn't really know whether or not she should try to stop Linkle from robbing someone in her own village, but considering that not a soul batted an eye at her as she slipped outside with several blue rupees stuffed in her pocket.

Navi sighed. "Hm, maybe you should find and... "borrow" the Kokiri sword. You never know. If there are Deku Babas this close, maybe there're actually dangerous ones somewhere nearby."

Linkle eagerly bobbed her head. "And if not, I can use it to carve bad words into Mido's house. Or into Mido's yard! Or in Mido's face!"

The sword wasn't exactly the most well-hidden. It was tucked in a little corner of the forest- a sort of training ground that the Kokiri treated more like a playground than a place to hone any particular skills. It wasn't like a Kokiri would be particularly threatening anyway, even if they were trained.

Still, there was one minor obstacle, and that was the massive boulders rolling perpetually in circles.

"What." Navi stared at the boulders which rolled without cause or any sign of stopping. "I. I don't. What."

"A wizard did it!" Linkle nodded sagely, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world, as she skipped away, sword in hand.

Feeling a bit vindictive towards Mido as usual, Linkle swung by the shop nearby and used his money (and whatever else she had managed to scrounge up) to pick up a Deku shield, mostly because she felt oddly incomplete having the sword without a shield to back it up.

Feeling like giving it a test, Linkle wandered outside and gave the sword a swift hard swing, slicing cleanly through the sign in front of Mido's house.

"Whoa." Navi mumbled, fluttering closer to examine the nearly perfect cut. Maybe she'd underestimated both the sword and the arm of the girl swinging it… It wasn't exactly easy to slice through wood so easily.

Figuring enough time had passed, Linkle wandered back to the Deku Tree. Feeling bad for the withered Babas, she cut them down, taking their stems, which instantly stiffened into Deku Sticks.

She had no idea why they did that, but just assumed it was forest magic.

"Ah…" The Deku Tree yawned deeply, his voice rumbling the ground a little. "What a good nap. Oh, I see… You brought her, then. Time to get into character, I suppose." He cleared his throat, and Linkle and Navi politely waited for him to adopt the persona that held the proper amount of gravitas for the situation.

"I am in need of your aid, Linkle." The Deku Tree stated plainly. "Within you I sense a great amount of strength and courage…"

No brains, but strength and courage sure. Navi thought idly.

"I have been cursed. I need you to break my curse." The Deku Tree droned, voice low and earnest. "Do you have the courage to do this?"

"Sure." Linkle gave a little shrug. She didn't exactly have much better to do.

"Then enter, Linkle. And you too Navi. You must guide Linkle, and aid her where you can..." With a groan, the Deku Tree slowly opened his mouth, a yawning void within.

"...In your mouth?" Navi blinked incredulously, turning a cautious yellow color. "You promise you're not just trying to eat us?"

"Aahh. Ahh ahhm." With his mouth locked open, all he could do was groan.

Linkle trotted forward, and without hesitation hopped inside.

"Oh, she's doomed." Navi groaned. "Hyrule is doomed."

The inside of the tree was surprisingly spacious and hollow. Linkle looked around, but thankfully she really only had one way she could go, so even someone who was as bad at navigating as her would likely not get too lost.

"If you get lost in a straight line I will smother you in your sleep." Navi promised, bobbing alongside the child.

Linkle tried to climb some vine-covered walls, but after being knocked off the wall by the Skullwalltula for the eighth time, she got the message.

"And stay off! This is my wall!" He shrieked, as Linkle stormed off, bruised and battered to all hell.

"I hear there's some kind of special Kokiri weapon in here, somewhere." Navi suggested. "The Deku Tree told me once. He wasn't very clear as to what it meant. He only talked about it when he was in a weird mood and got very rambly."

"I've already got a weapon!" Linkle brandished the tiny Kokiri blade proudly, nearly decapitating a nearby Deku Scrub, who fearfully dropped flat and played dead in terror of the tiny lunatic.

"Yes but if you found this other thing, you'd have two weapons…" Navi explained, hoping it would appeal to her.

"Two is more than one…" Linkle mused…

"...This is a toy, not a weapon…" Navi lamented. She shut the hell up after seeing Linkle use it to kill the Skullwalltula who now was twitching, with a tiny deku seed lodged right in his body, green blood oozing out. "...Ew."

Linkle proudly climbed to the top, looking down in awe. "Whoa… We're really high up! That spiderweb by the entrance looks so small!"

"Maybe you should get a closer look…" Snickered a voice from above.

Linkle didn't even have time to look up as the Skulltula dropped, slamming his bulky weight into her, causing Linkle to tumble right off the ledge with a shriek.

"OH GODDESSES ABOVE!" Navi yelped, fruitlessly trying to lift Linkle by the collar. She dropped fast, landing in the web… Which caught her gently, stretching and slowing her descent, before the webbing finally snapped, sending her down below at a much safer pace, dropping her into a deep pool of water in a way that was far less dangerous than it would have been falling from the top without the web.

Linkle crawled onto a ledge, panting with exhilaration as the adrenaline from her fall began to wear off. She looked up and shouted loudly, hoping the Skulltula could hear her.

"SUCKERRRRR!" She called mockingly, before flopping backwards, voice quieter. "...Give me a second." She mumbled to Navi, who bobbed in agreement.

"Glad you're not dead. Otherwise how would we ever get this curse broken?" Navi muttered sardonically.

The deepest part of the Great Deku Tree was dark, and there was a strange pale mist floating in the cavernous hollow.

There was also a low scraping noise echoing menacingly throughout the room.

"What is that?" Linkle mumbled, looking around in confusion, as the scraping noises grew louder, and closer.

"Uh… Linkle…?" Navi squeaked nervously.

"What's up?" She turned to the fairy, and as her head turned upwards, she caught sight of something rather alarming.

"Hee hee hee…" A huge yellow eye leered down at Linkle from the ceiling of the cavern, blinking and rolling. "So you're the one creeping about..."

The beast on the ceiling dropped from above, slamming loudly into the floor with a hiss, rearing up slowly, clawed limbs rearing upward, resembling a clawed hand.

"Oh gross!" Navi squeaked, ducking behind Linkle's head a bit. "Spider! Thing! Spidery thing! Is that the thing that the Deku Tree called a "curse"?!"

"A thing?" The creature chuckled, leering ominously down at the duo. "How rude. You are in the presence of royalty." She slammed her claws down hard, shaking the earth as she loomed over the duo, leering up close. "I am Queen Gohma… And you… You are looking perfectly appetizing to me…" She snickered, before advancing on Linkle with a mad laugh.

PARASITIC ARMORED ARACHNID

(AKA CRAZY SPIDER-BITCH)

QUEEN GOHMA

Almost entirely on instinct, Linkle snapped her shield up, and the claws slammed into it, just barely missing her head. Linkle staggered backwards, losing her footing, and quickly rolling to avoid Gohma as she slammed down where the child had once been.

"Eehee… Hold still!" Gohma cackled, pushing herself up on her tail, rearing high into the air, her eyeball turning a bright red.

Linkle whipped out her slingshot and fired a seed directly into the giant eyeball.

"Ow! My eye!" Gohma squealed, rearing up and falling, eye blinking wildly as she tried to overcome the pain.

"Gee, the giant eye is the weak spot. Who would have guessed?" Navi was rolling her eyes. "Quick, Linkle, give her a good ol' stab!"

Linkle, not wanting to let her advantage slip away, did just that, lunging with both hands on the Kokiri Blade, driving the sword into Gohma's eyeball. The spiderlike monster shrieked, her limbs flailing. The wild thrashing forced Linkle to back off, lest she be impaled by one of the flailing legs.

There was something else happening too. A strange mist was rising from the monster's body, dark and cloudy.

"Is that…?" Navi's color changed to a puzzled green. "Linkle! I think Gohma's cursed too! I don't think this is the "real" thing!"

"So… What does that mean?" Linkle nervously watched Gohma roll upright again, quickly backing up and skittering up a wall.

"I don't have a goddamn clue!" Navi admitted, panicky. "But I bet you can beat the curse outta her!"

Linkle nodded. Her sword wouldn't do much good here, so she swapped to the Fairy Slingshot again, and took careful aim, waiting for Gohma's eye to turn red, just like it did before. She took careful aim…

And missed by a mile.

"Ha! Loser!" Gohma cackled, a long creepy tubelike appendage beginning to lower. Strange spheres began dropping.

"Ew! Eggs!" Navi grimaced. "She's having babies right in front of us!"

There was a strange pinging noise, that at first, none of them noticed, but then it became more apparent- and then it happened.

By some blessing of the goddesses, the Deku Seed Linkle had fired was ricocheting all around the room, bouncing off of walls and the floor, and its trajectory led it to crash right back into Gohma's eye, and she fell straight down, crushing her own eggs.

More black smoke burst forth from her body, in copious amounts, before she lay limp on the floor.

She was a little smaller, though not by much. She still looked armored and sinister, but the pupil in her eye was no longer the eerie red it had been. For a moment, Gohma lay still, before slowly rolling to her feet.

"...Guhh… What a hangover." She moaned, claws resting over her upper body, rather like a drunk cradling their head. "What happened? Did I get into some fermented fruit by mistake…?"

"Uh… Hi?" Linkle waved uncertainly, though she held her sword up juuuust in case.

"...Hello." Gohma awkwardly looked up, blinking. "...Wait, I- you stabbed me in the eyeball and… Oh, that's right…" She hissed then, angry. "I was being controlled…" She shook herself, before fully addressing Linkle. "...Sorry about that. I wasn't myself. We Gohma generally feed on tree sap, but it seems…" She awkwardly glanced around the large room.

"...I may have gotten a bit out of control." She sounded sheepish. "Some man showed up in the woods, and did… some kind of magic thing to me, and the next thing I knew I was eating this tree."

"So it was a curse huh?" Navi mused. "Just not on the Deku Tree, on you."

"And I am going to find the man who did that and eat his legs." Gohma promised darkly, skittering towards the center of the chamber. "Shall we leave? I'd rather not be here with reminders of my gluttony all around me."

Ok this dragged on but it was fun to write. Hope you enjoyed it as well.

I'll probably work on some more chapters as I find the time, so for now, ta ta! Goodnight everybody!