Saph's PoV

Fingers pushing away blood and sweat soaked tendrils of curly brown hair on my forehead woke me up from my deep slumber. Shifting my weight to sit up, I heard the rustle of straw with my every movement. The notation that I might be in the stables made me wrinkle my nose in confusion. How did I end up here? So occupied with my hazy surroundings, I didn't realize who interrupted my sleep until I couldn't feel any warmth. Blinking, I scanned upwards to find a frowning Levi staring down at me, his hand returning to his side.

"I thought you were dead," he spoke curtly, glancing down at my attire. "Who did you kill?"

Still not completely coherent, it took me a minute for my mind to register what he asked. I studied my outfit that clearly outlined a murder had happened. I brought death to so many people that I couldn't exactly recall who I'd wreaked vengeance on that night. "I think some associates who did some black market sales for Rod Reiss."

"Seems like they didn't give you what you wanted."

"Doesn't matter if they did, their throats would still be slit." Standing up, I picked off the strands of straw sticking to my clothes before I exited the empty stall. "They had more bodyguards then I originally thought were going to be there, that's why I decided to take quick nap here." My clumsy steps and bumping into objects told the story that it might have been more like passing out than a nap. I knew Levi wouldn't comment on that white lie though. If I could move then I could get myself to bed.

"I'm not surprised. They must have heard that you were cutting everyone who stood in your way between you and Rod and Kenny."

"You're quite chatty," I laughed, "worried about the repercussions of my actions? Might have people coming after you and little Petra?"

I almost regretted my words once I saw him turn away, his stride slowing down so it didn't match mine anymore. His presence and touch had been so gentle, so comforting, something better than this chaotic mess of hatred, grief, and numbness I felt. But that softer side of him wasn't mine and for some reason I loved to bring that up whenever I stayed near enough to the base to see either him or Petra.

"Get yourself cleaned up. We have training this afternoon and a new person joining the Squad."

Resisting the urge to throw a snappy comment in his direction, I stumbled my way back to the house. Fatigue clouded my mind, making my legs quiver and hands shake as I pushed open the door to home sweet home. Thinking that everyone else was in bed, I almost jumped in shock when a voice called out to me.

"Saph? Is that you?" Petra came forward, her palm ghosting over my arm before she retracted it, unsure of what to make of the state I was in. She didn't know about my agenda, but I came back too many times with the scent of death and tattered clothing for anyone to mistaken my intentions. "Are you hurt?"

Even though I ignored her for weeks, I would still find her kindness in the everyday corners of my life. Plates of food left out for me when I skipped dinner. My chores done even though I hadn't picked up a broom or rag since I came back.

"I don't think so," I whispered, dizzy from exertion. Lack of energy meaning I didn't have the capability to be rude like usual. The hint of tea in the air made it's acknowledgment to me now that I stood long enough to take a breath. She'd been waiting for someone who wasn't me.

Seeing how I was about to collapse, Petra led me into a nearby bathroom. "Let me check just to make sure." She sat me down on the toilet and pulled out a small container of medical supplies out from a tiny cabinet. After running some water over a cloth, she began to gently wipe the red smears on my skin. The heat of the water slightly burning my chilled skin. "I don't know what you're doing exactly, but can you try to be a little more careful? I know that you must be hurting but putting yourself through this can't be helping at all."

"You'd think," I rasped, "but it's only when I see the light going out of people's eyes that I don't feel so empty. Like a reminder that I'm still alive, that I have something that they don't anymore." Head lolling back, I didn't want to try and read her expression that originated from my morbid statement.

"Can you not find that while fighting Titans? At least your team would be with you then."

"You mean how Levi used to be?"

"I met him after that time," Petra sighed, "I still see that anger resurface though." She cupped the back of my neck to bring my forehead to rest on her shoulder. Carefully, she traced the outline of my bruise to not hurt me further. Petra seemed hesitant to speak further, but after drawing a long breath, she continued onward. "I know that you guys have been by each other sides for a long time, and I'm happy for that. Neither of you two would say it, but I believe you rely on one another."

Surprised, I jerked up. Squinting, I regarded the gentle features in front of me which held no sadness complimenting her statement. "It doesn't make you jealous?" I asked, hating how weak I sounded. The reminder that I had nothing she wanted when she had everything I yearned for sparked a feeling of longing to claw at the sides of my head and heart. Ripping away the tainted sections that left such unwarranted negative emotions of dislike towards a guiltless girl.

"Why would I? Both of you guys aren't the most friendly people in the world so it's nice to know that you two have each other," she said, the edges of her lips curved upwards while she dabbed at a cut on my shoulder.

"You being nice irritates me," I growled out, flinching at the sting of the medicine.

Petra chuckled at my irritation. "Do you need me to help you change into a different set of clothes?"

"No. I'm not that helpless." Standing up, I made my way into my room without glancing back. Not wanting to see the concern filled look following me all the way down the hall.

A man with short black hair that came to a point on top of his head and sharp eyes saluted me as I approached him. "Vice-captain!"

"I told you not to address me by that title, Gunther," I reprimanded the newest member of Levi's squad. "Nobody calls me that and I certainly don't want you to."

"Especially since she's younger than you," Auruo sneered. His physical bullying had lessened to an extent since I came back, but me getting kidnapped only proved to him that I wasn't fit for my position. He loved to point this out with more than enough snide comments.

Tilting my head up, I stared at him. "Even if I wasn't second in command that doesn't me you would be."

"My kill record is second to Levi's!"

"Which means nothing if you are going to remain an immature soldier who throws tantrums about not getting what he wants instead of actually doing something about it," I threw a taunting smile at him while also glancing towards Levi and Petra who were whispering among themselves.

Getting the more subtle meaning towards my words made his ears turn red in rage. He would have attacked me if Eld hadn't intervened by gripping his cape. I continued to goad him. "If I wasn't second in command, then Eld would surely be."

"Eld would make a great second in command," Petra said, overhearing my comment as she strolled over, "but I'm glad that we have Saph."

"You always take her side," Auruo complained.

I wrinkled my nose at the exchange taking place. Tired of arguing, I decided to check on what was taking so long. "That's because you're always in the wrong," I sighed like I was disappointed. Leaving the stunned Gunther, unamused Eld, and annoyed Auruo, Petra followed after me as I approached Levi. "Hey! Are we ever going to start actually practicing or are we just going to sit on our asses all day? I thought the point of making me wake up this early was so we can show Gunther how we move as a unit. Not like we apply any of this on the field though."

Levi gave me his general bored expression before pointing a finger at me. "How about instead of whining like a pathetic piece of shit, you help set up?"

I pretended to try and bite his finger. My good mood showing in all my actions. The feel of the sun and the familiarity of the situation brought out an emotion that resembled happiness. "How about we just practice riding our horses together and maneuvering in the woods instead of slashing some fake Titan's nape?"

"You actually want to get on your horse?" Levi asked, disbelief evident in his voice.

Shaking my head, I bent down so he could hear me whisper. "What if we give Gunther, Lucifer, and I get a new horse? Tell him it's a congratulatory present for joining the Special Operations Squad?"

"No."

Puffing my cheeks out into a pout at his rebuttal, I turned to Petra for support. "Don't you think it sounds like a good idea?"

"Well I can't see you on any other horse since Lucifer has been with you since I joined. I also think he's getting better! I haven't seen him try to bite you at all since you've come back."

Lucifer hadn't tried to bite or throw me for the sole reason that I threatened him with a pitchfork when he attempted to squish me against the wall when I brushed him last. We weren't on good terms, but I didn't feel as if my life was in danger every time I interacted with him anymore. Or maybe that's just what we wanted me to feel...

"Hanji's improvements to the system was supposed to be done almost a week ago!"

Glaring at me, Levi just huffed. Petra began to rub his back in solidarity. "It's not his fault, Saph."

I couldn't keep my eyes on the two of them, instead, I glanced around the area. "I realize that, but he's the one who made us come out here." A burn resided in my chest as I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth.

"Would you rather be doing chores?" he growled out while placing a hand over Petra's.

"Yeah, actually. I would. I'll go do that right now. Give me a shout when you have actually figured all this shit out instead of wasting my time," I snapped before stomping off. Throwing open the door to our house, I quickly wiped my shoes on the rug. My attidue done enough to piss Levi off.

Not knowing what areas needed cleaning, I started with the kitchen. Grabbing a cloth, I began to scrub the leftover dishes and cups still in the sink. Roughly rubbing the surface of a plate, I almost yelled when the stain wouldn't come off. Skin hot and cheeks flushed, my vision blurred as I recalled the innocence and caring of the small gesture shared by Levi and Petra. "Why does he make me want to live," I moaned in agony. Plunging my hands into the sink, I peered into the water to see my tainted hands. "I can't make him happy," I stated to the empty room. Grief still consumed me, but maybe not enough to drive me to suicide once I murdered Rod and Kenny. Could I still go to that extent once I completed my goal? "Could I ever by happy?"

An idea popped into my head with my words resounding in the empty space. "I didn't need to make Suzu happy. I just wanted him to be alive to find it, with or without me." Licking my lips, I resumed to clean up the dirty dishes. "I can't make Levi happy, but I can make sure he stays alive. That'll be good enough for me." I peeked out the window to see his small frame petting one of the huge horses of the Corps. I bore torture and being alone for years in an effort to recover my brother. "I can find a way to bear a bit of jealousy."

"What are you mumbling to yourself?" Auruo questioned me his appearance sending a shiver running on top of my nerves.

Jerking up, I realized that I'd been washing the same dish for minutes. "Just talking out loud."

"Sure. Whatever. Always knew you were crazy."

"Do you want this bowl thrown at your head?" I threatened him, raising the object up so he could see it.

"Levi just told me to come and get you. We are going to do some horse riding exercises with the new guy now."

Not surprised that Levi didn't mention the fact he stole my idea, I set the supplies away to head out after Auruo. Seeing that Lucifer was already saddled up and already to go, I shoved my foot into the stirrup and hoisted myself up onto his back. "You going to behave today?"

He snorted in reply and began to toss his head around.

"If I may pose a question, Vice-captain-"

"You mean Saph."

"-if that's the fastest horse in the Legion, why doesn't Levi or Erwin ride him?"

Watching as the beast flattened his ears, I answered the question without once taking my eyes off of my animal. "You're implying it's an honor to ride this horse. It's actually a punishment because he's a psycho who tries to kill his rider."

"Then why are you forced to ride him?"

"That's because she has the bad habit of killing every horse she rides on if it's not him," Auruo joked, patting his chestnut stallion like it was his best friend. "Sadly, the horse hasn't accomplished his goal of killing her yet."

"If I ever die, I'm making sure you're going out with me."

Petra scowled at our words. "Teamwork, guys. That's what we are supposed to be working on," she scolded us in a stern tone.

Sticking my tongue out at Auruo once she turned her back on us, I set Lucifer off at a trot before the man could retaliate.

My cup of tea warmed my chilly hands as I sat on the covers of my bed. Training had been long and I could feel exhaustion spreading with every breathe I took. However, my chaotic thought and feelings kept me from falling asleep. The tea helped little, and I couldn't resist thinking about Levi as I drank it. Figuring that I couldn't lose anything by going to his room to try and talk to him, I got up.

Hope for relief from these torturous, nagging emotions began to fill me with every step I took towards my destination. I didn't need to go as far as sleeping on the floor beside his bed again. I doubted that he'd let me do that being in a relationship with Petra and all anyways. Just hearing his voice would be enough. Keep the night terrors and abyss of vengeance out of my heart for a moment. Give me a sanctuary I couldn't find anywhere or with anyone else.

Reaching the door, I extended one hand to the knob only to be startled by the sound of Petra's moans coming out of the room. Her soft voice made me almost drop my mug to the ground which would have surely shattered everywhere. Spilling into the crevices and cracks of the floorboards, making a loud mess. Instead, I silently withdrew back into my own room, my lip beginning to bleed from how hard I bit it.

Once I got back into my room, I set my mug down and flopped onto the bed. Gathering the blankets into my fist, I clenched and released as I let my emotions wash and recede over me. I'd decided that I'd let him be happy with Petra, that I wouldn't try to ruin it. But being good wasn't my strong suit and the difficulty level of this task couldn't be farther above my head. Something would have to succumb and I couldn't let it be my own sanity.

"What do people do when they're in my situation?" Blinking, I didn't let myself indulge in the tears that threatened to come. I needed to escape, to forget. I couldn't forget my troubles with alcohol. Fighting didn't help. "What does Auruo do?" When I said his name, a memory from months ago resurfaced.

"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!" Leon laughed, hugging Auruo around the shoulders as he nudged him towards a group of girls.

After everything that'd happened, I'd been hard pressed to follow a single bit of his advice, but with his time in the Special Operations Squad, Leon proved to be an expert when it came to dealing with others on that front. Having decided to give it a try, I considered what might next action would be. Most people in the Survey Corps didn't leave the Survey Corps when it came to finding bed mates. However, I knew nobody outside of the Special Operations Squad well. Eld wouldn't even if I asked him too. I'd rather die than have sex with Auruo, and I doubted the best introduction to the squad for the new guy would be for me to sleep with him. There also remained the worry of how Petra or Levi might react if they found out.

"Guess I'm going into town then," I heaved a sigh. Dressing in my most flattering clothes, I set out to find a warm body and some sheets to slip between.

I'd apologize for having this chapter take so long, but then it sounds like that's not going to happen again. Well, I don't believe it should for at least awhile. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas break are coming up so I'll hopefully be able to turn out multiple chapters. I also had a few people asking me if Saph really tricked Brutus into eating his own son. Lets just say, I'll leave it up to you guys to decide. I love all of you guys. I hope all of you guys are loving the story so far. I'd also love to get some reviews because those are extremely helpful in giving me motivation, so please leave a review on your way out!