Saph's PoV
My body started just as my eyes flew wide open. Blinking, I began to flail around as memories of the Female Titan crashed into my brain. Where was I? What had happened? Whipping my head around, I noticed Eren's own perplexed expression. Seeing that he was alive calmed my nerves a little. Finally taking a moment to let my senses catch up with my racing mind, I realized we were in a cart being driven back towards the Wall. Blankets covered both of our bodies. I shuddered with the reminder of how we wrapped up the dead in them. It would not have taken much on this expedition for this blanket to be a makeshift wrapping for my corpse instead. The scratchy material did very little to soothe my anxieties. Where was Levi?
Sitting up, I cradled my throbbing forehead in my palm as I used the other to gripped the wooden side of the wagon. "My body is killing me." My muscles ached in ways I hadn't had the pleasure of experiencing for awhile. As if my limbs had contorted in ways that were foreign. That wasn't all though, my body felt mutated and unknown to me. There were no physical signs of any changes from what I could see, but the discomfort my own physical confines were giving me led me to wanting to inspect it on a closer level. Actually, there were no physical signs of anything. No scratches. No bruises. Not the smallest mark engraved onto my skin.
"Do you remember what happened? What you did?" Mikasa asked me when I caught her eye on accident.
"Where is Levi?" I asked, ignoring her question.
Mikasa remained silent. Her eyes held complete emptiness. Shaking her head, she gripped the reins a bit tighter.
"What did I do?" I murmured slightly frantic.
She didn't respond and instead just pulled her red scarf up to cover her mouth. Turning to Eren, I puzzled over what I could have done and if that involved Levi somehow.
"Don't look at me. I don't remember much either," Eren said with such a heavy sadness in his voice that it brought back all the loss. All the deaths. All the lives destroyed in order to capture her. How lucky for me to be alive.
Bowing my head, I tried to take some deep breaths in order to not let out a scream. Petra. Poor Petra. Poor Levi. Snapping my head up, I decided that since nobody around me seemed to have any knowledge of anything. Instead, I pulled my legs beneath me and tried to stand up in order to catch a sight of his black hair.
"What are you doing, Saph?" Hanji's voice soothed me instead of automatically making me shoot to my toes in aprehension.
"Is Levi okay? Is he alive?"
"Yes. You also saved Auruo's life though he obviously can't be in the Survey Corps anymore with only one leg," Hanji said, solemnly. "Levi hurt his ankle, but besides that...there's no physical harm. As of this moment, the Special Operations Squad only comprises of you, Levi, and Eren."
And who knew if that'd last? It was a struggle to get the government to grant us him in the first place. Now? With these losses? They'd only see it as a waste of money not even taking in account the human lives eaten away.
"Did you save me again?" I heard Eren ask Mikasa.
She didn't respond to his question. Instead, her eyes cast downward, "we're getting close to the wall."
Breathing heavily from the exertion, I climbed out of the wagon once we stopped to have the gate opened to approach where I saw Levi on his horse with Lucifer attached to him. "I don't remember what happened," I confessed to him as I clumsily clambered onto Lucifer's saddle.
Ignoring me, Levi just untied Lucifer from himself. His eyes were vacant and his motions empty as we entered the town. Curling my fingers slightly, I frowned as in the moment, all I wanted to do was hug him. To hold him tightly. In that moment, I didn't care what needed to be done in order to make him happy, I would've done it in a heartbeat.
Years of being in the Survey Corps led me to being immune to what the townspeople said around us. Complaints. Jokes. Words that revealed the simple lives they led. However, I flinched when a man with familiar colored hair jumped forward to greet Levi.
"Captain Levi! Thank you for taking of my daughter. I'm Petra's father by the way. I wanted to talk to you about this letter she sent me before I go find her. You see? She said that she's decided to devote herself to you and the Survey Corps entirely. I think she's a little too young to be talking about marriage, but I know that her heart is set on you-"
I couldn't listen any longer. "Sir-"
"Could we please talk?" Hanji asked him, interrupting me.
It was only when I entered the castle did my body began to shake uncontrollably. To quiver all the way to my toes. My knees became so weak that I grasped the wall beside me as if with my dying breath. Everyone was gone. Swallowing hard, I made my way to my bedroom. I knew that I had sunk into the comfort of my bed when I laid down, but I still felt so strange. Nothing was alright. A small scary memory began to creep over. The utter dejection at knowing Suzu wasn't coming back home to the Underground. I still had Levi though… I still had Levi.
My shaky gasps for air seemed like screams in my quiet room. They, however, did not distort Levi's footsteps enough that I couldn't decipher what was going on in his head from them. His stride didn't hold the usual powerful solidness. They were jagged and weary. A man who had at least had something now had nothing. I couldn't adjust to the weight of all this emptiness. It made my mind sway with sickness as I curled into a ball.
A crack of something crashing into the wall made my stiff aching body bolt. I didn't know I had fallen asleep or had just drifted off with my eyes still open. I didn't know how much time had passed. All I did really know was that the sound came from Levi's room. My body cried in pain as I staggered to my feet. One of my shoes were still on but my pants were off. I'd taken off my jacket but I still had my tank top on. Only after I got off the bed did I begin to move with anything close to speed. Another crash sounded just as I slammed my door open.
"Levi!" My hands fumbled with the door knob clumsily. I opened it just in time to see Levi yank a drawer out of the desk and throw it to the ground. "Stop!" I ran towards him and tried to grab anything in an attempt to stop him from slamming his fist into the wood. "This doesn't help!"
"You!" Levi roared, shaking me off. Even I trembled at the ferocity in his voice. "Did you let them die? Did you just stand there and watch like with Farlan and Isabel?"
I gasped. "How could you accuse me of that!"
"Maybe because you can slaughter people like they mean nothing to you?"
"So can you!" I grabbed his sleeve to draw his attention towards my face. "Don't make us sound so different. We both survived living in the Underground for so long for a reason. You like to act all better than me because you had a family. Well I did too, and it was my brother. You are not the only one who knows of loss!"
"Don't touch me!" He snapped at me as he yanked his body away from my touch. "You were a monster when we first met."
Moving towards him, I reached for his hand. "I trust you. Why can't you trust me?" He maneuvered away from me as I tripped and fell in an attempt to follow him.
"Because you would have sacrificed any one of them for your brother. You would have sacrificed the entire Survey Corps for your brother."
"So you're accusing me of being selfish? Do you know how many people would do the same!" I screamed as tears trickled down. "Then why save me? Just to keep punishing me? I thought we were past that."
"Get out of my room."
"Levi?"
"Go!"
"No! Don't act like you don't care. You all came down to save me. Including you."
His demeanor withdrew to one of coldness instead of anger.
I scrambled to my feets as Levi kicked his bed, breaking it up into pieces. "That doesn't change the way you were and the way you are. Do you really believe you deserve kindness? And love?"
The question shattered me to the core. Rushing out of the door, I couldn't get the face of a numb Levi even as his actions expressed utter rage. Panting, I didn't know what to do with myself as I stood in the hallway as loud thuds could be heard behind me. Lost and confused, I headed downstairs.
Did I deserve love? It was something I'd always wanted from Levi. I know I didn't deserve him. The world didn't treat people any better if they were 'good' or not. Suzu and I were innocent when we were forced into the Underground. That was out of my choice. The world turned me cruel. Hard. Couldn't have survived any other way.
"Saph! I was just going to go upstairs to get you!" Hanji shouted from our kitchen when she saw me on the steps.
Jumping slightly at the loud noise, I grabbed the railing to catch myself. I wanted to ask her how she could act with so much energy with the events that we'd just experienced. Then I noticed how tight her facial features were. "What do you need Hanji?"
"We are now required to hand Eren over."
"I expected as much," I muttered. Glancing upstairs, I addressed Hanji a bit louder, "You should probably leave Levi alone for a bit."
"We don't have that luxury, Saph," Hanji said, her voice softening.
"Is there anything that I can do instead of him?" His words were already deeply embedded into my mind, but I also wanted him to rest. I didn't have the luxury of trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings.
Shaking her head Hanji gave me a sad smile, "while you're probably going to go back to being his second in command, there's nothing you can take over for him right now." The wood underneath her groaned as she got up from the stool. "Levi knows what his duties are. However, you might and go visit Auruo. I heard he's pretty coherent for someone who just lost their leg."
"I don't know what to say to him," I said, honestly. He saw Petra die before his very eyes. I couldn't begin to imagine the wretched pain he must be in. What agony it would've been to see Levi die before me. That feeling alone made me want to puke.
"He probably doesn't need you to say anything."
Apparently, Auruo didn't follow that sentiment.
"How could you leave her to die?" He screeched me as soon as he realized who was by his bedside. His usual crying face that used to be so funny to me now only made my voice quake with uncertain grief. "Why couldn't it have been you?"
Ripping myself out of his hold on my arm, I slowly stepped backwards. "I saved your life."
"I don't want to live it if she's not in it. No. You have only left me to suffer!"
Gaping at this extreme display of aggression, I almost called it madness. His convulsing body made the people around us start staring in horror.
"Stop it or you're going to start bleeding again," I begged him as I tried to halt his movements by holding him down. "Petra wouldn't have wanted you to be doing this."
His body turned to stone with that one sentence. "How dare you," he started asking, slowly turning his head as his voice leaked venom, "act like you know what she would have wanted. That you get to tell the rest of us what she would be doing if she was alive." Spit begant to fly out of his mouth at this point. "The one who had the capability of saving her. Had the power to save her."
"The power?" Confused, I tilted his head. "What are you talking about Auruo?"
"I always knew you were a monster underneath," he answered unhelpfully.
Shaking my head, I fled the makeshift hospital.
Sorry that this chapter is a bit shorter than the previous ones. I usually build chapters around scenes and I honestly thought Levi and Saph were going to be arguing longer. Guess not! Anyways, I also have some really exciting news. Most of you don't know, but I do tarot card readings! I've been doing them for about 3 years and I have just decided to start a small online business! It's been going great, but I wanted to tell you guys as well in case any was interested. You can find more details on my Instagram chaycing_the_spiritual_dragon or my Tumblr chaycingthespiritualdragon. Back to the story! I hope everyone enjoyed the latest chapter! I'd love to hear everyone's comments and criticisms. I honestly save all of them and look through them when I'm not feeling like continuing with this story. They truly do mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading!