Saph's PoV

With my eyes closed, I focused on the breathing of the peaceful Levi next to me. Well, not next to me but a few feet away. Sequestered together in the same room for the night, our twin beds resided on opposite ends. He might not have been asleep, but I could tell that he was on the edge of unconsciousness, which is as close as the man gets. The rhythmic sound of his own tranquility always guided me towards my own rest, no matter the circumstances.

"You need to calm down," he murmured, slowly turning to angle himself towards me. "There's no need for you to be on guard."

Even in the middle of deepening my breathing, I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his words. "We just recently got kidnapped, and you want me to relax?"

One of his eyelids fluttered open so he could peer at me. "The entire Survey Corps is around us. You can also turn into a Titan, shithead." Levi turned the lamp on. "Don't lie to me, Saph."

"What do you think Hanji is going to make Eren and I do tomorrow?" I asked shakily, stripped to the bone with his words. He's never someone I could play pretend towards.

"Well she probably won't stab you guys in the eyeballs like she does with the other Titans."

I cracked a smile at his joke despite how much I dreaded tomorrow morning. While Levi might be jesting, I also wouldn't put it past her either. Heart banging against my chest, sweat coating my palms, I realized that I was scared of the dark. Of being vulnerable to what lurked beneath the blanket of black that I couldn't see. What I didn't want to see in the first place. It wasn't an exact replica of the shadows seething in the Underground that infested my young life. This discomfort fucked with my mind because that's where it all existed. That piece of me that's now a Titan. A snarling, howling, mindless beast. Either works. It's existence permeated not just my entire being but every movement, thought, and emotion. How could I carry this parasite with me? I wasn't a hero. "You'd be better at this than me." Levi didn't fear much.

"Being a Titan?" Levi finally lifted himself up slightly so that he rested on his elbow. A straight, direct, and piercing gaze that both stimulated and comforted me is all I could focus on. "You're scared."

I didn't need to slip any words into the space after his statement. Glancing away, I choked on any paltry defense I might have given. Nothing seemed justifiable at this moment.

"I am too."

My eyes widened. "You?"

"People I care about die when I make the wrong decision. You're important, Saph."

He said my name again. Neverves fluttered and I felt warmth befall my cheeks. Scoffing at him, I tried to distract the two of us from my own growing intoxication. "I've always been important."

"You've always been a valuable, mostly troublesome little shit. Now, the whole of humanity rests in one of you having the capability to close the hole in Wall Maria."

"So you'll protect me?" I teased.

"I've always protected you," he grumbled

The grin that had brushed my lips with my comment disappeared when his declaration slowly sunk in. I wanted to crawl into his bed and wrap my arms around his small frame. To ensure that Levi felt protected as well. To give him a moment of calm that has never existed before for him. "Maybe… one day… we could do absolutely nothing but enjoy ourselves."

"How?"

"Read? Like stories. Go on a walk and then eat food."

"Are you talking about a picnic?"

I wrinkled my nose, I hadn't thought of that specific activity. The last time I'd gone on one had been with Petra. "Yeah. I guess, but I'd have to make sure that sweets were in the basket. I love cookies."

"That's what you'd do? Make us have a picnic."

I clicked my tongue. "I wouldn't make you do anything. I'd let you have a picnic with me. Besides, being outdoors with the sun shining and a slight breeze is something I remember not having." It would've been better if everyone could join us. "What would-. Nevermind."

"What?"

"I was going to ask what you'd do and then I realized that it'd be too clean."

"No."

I sat up, matching Levi's position as I turned my knees in order to face him. "What do you mean no?"

"The place would already be clean. I'd drink tea."

"Is that it? You could drink tea on a picnic so I don't know why you were so grumpy about my idea."

Levi's expression revealed a wistfulness I'd rarely seen before. "I'd want to hear everyone moving about the house."

His thoughts appear to be no different than mine. I let his words sink in. To have their presence blessed back into our life and routine. Each addition of joy in our lives, destroyed at the hands of our enemies. "Do you think you'll ever be able to find peace?"

"Do you?"

I paused before answering honestly, "I don't think I deserve it." A monster didn't deserve a happy ending. Blood soaked my hands before I'd even become a Titan, but now I hosted a starving beast. One that would cut through everything in its path if it could.

"And you think I do?"

"You're Humanity's Strongest Soldier," I whispered, "you have to find a way through this." I smiled gently. "Besides, I can protect you now.

Levi paused, his posture shifted "Being a Titan doesn't mean you're all-powerful. You still need to be careful."

"I didn't sign up for this shit that night when Erwin offered for us to be a part of the Survey Corps, but I know that I'm needed here." Here meaning besides Levi, not referring to fighting for humanity. "You say people die when you make the wrong decisions? I killed Suzu," the last part made me wince harder than I believed possible. It'd been so long since I said his name out loud. "There's nothing for me out there now," I finished.

"You're not still going to off yourself after murdering Kenny, are you?"

"After taking great pleasure in killing him in a severely brutal way that would probably be on the heels of weeks of torture, I'm going to continue to live. That's not going to happen if Titans overrun the walls or the dumbasses in our government don't kill us first."

I could tell him that I wanted to stay by his side as long as he'd allow me. That I loved him. However, his heart laid to rest along with Petra. Any brief moments of affectionate openness disappeared with her death. His light had disappeared, and I only got to see glimpses. Before he reminds himself that I'm not the one he wants to show it too. Beautiful and a good person. Am I just incapable of being loved? But is that only because I don't deserve it? Because I'm not good?

My racing thoughts dissipated as I recollected myself under these depressing questions. "Aren't you after the same thing? Revenge on the Titans for killing the people you love? Making sure they didn't die in vain? That Petra's life was worth it for Eren's? What are you going to do if we kill all the Titans?"

He ignored my question. "Why do you 'need' to live now? You can't be feeling all this new responsibility just because you're a Titan shifter," he said in disbelief.

His question blindsided me leaving my mouth hanging open in shock as I grappled with how to respond. How could I tell him why? That I'd found my bit of happiness by being there for him. Just as a friend. "I mean… I still hate myself for what happened to lead to the events of Kenny kidnapping my brother and his death, but Suzu wouldn't want me to commit suicide. I'm going to live for the both of us," I lied. "You said that you'd protect me and now you're making it sound like you want me to commit the deed."

"Yeah right. I'm the one who stopped you from hurting yourself when we first came back. I obviously don't wish for your death, Saph," he said as he began to tuck himself back into the covers. Seemingly comforted by my answer. "I'll make sure Hange doesn't accidentally have it happen tomorrow."

His words and tone tickled me. Reassured and relaxed, I found it easy to drift away into the dream world with ease.

Watching Hanji peel Eren's human body from the steaming Titan's neck, not caring that the flesh of his face was still infused therefore ripping it (including his eyes out). While Hanji's plan certainly didn't include stabbing us in the eyeballs, she clearly didn't care if we suffered throughout this process. Eren had changed into a Titan a total of three times. Our location deep in the forest near the mountains wasn't just out of secrecy, but we were substituting the hole in Wall Maria with a cave to see if either of us could harden to fill it. While his first Titan had been quite intelligent, none of them had been able to successfully accomplish the task. Hanji then made Eren make a house out of some logs and do a few physical feats. Only after an hour did it seem like the man began to slowly lose his sanity. He'd tried to write on the ground before leaving his body to rest for a bit. The two Titans after that didn't seem to have the capacity to think. They'd seemed lost in the darkness that had haunted my thoughts and nightmares.

"Are you ready?" Hanji asked me.

"Sure." I said as I walked into the clearing. I didn't have an idea on how I'd hurt myself because chomping onto my thumb until I bled just seemed excessive. A knife did always rest snug against my ankle. Grabbing the old trusty thing, I pricked myself on the finger before putting the weapon away. I hadn't been able to talk much to Eren before the test but since I'd been on Levi's squad, I'd seen the steps. I'd already done it a few times, so it should be easy, right?

But nothing happened. I concentrated on the idea of fighting. I tried to channel my inner anger. I drifted back into my memories of the village and the Female Titan. Still, nothing happened. Soon I began to feel embarrassed underneath everyone's stares. "I'm sorry. I don't know why it's not happening."

Hanji flew down from the side of the cliff. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, "I don't know. Maybe I need to feel threatened or something?" Wiggling my fingers and hopping on the balls of my feet, I tried to get into the space of fear. Let the jitters crawl over me.

Suddenly, I glanced at Hanji, only to see her swinging her blade at me full speed. Leaping to the side, I missed the sharp edge with a sliver of air between us. Tightening my grip on my knife, I wondered if I'd suddenly have to use it against my long-time colleague for some reason. I didn't have to consider long as Levi landed between the two of us with his arms outstretched.

Back pressed against me, Levi kept one hand on my wrist while the other pointed at Hanji. "What the hell is wrong with you? Saph, put the knife away."

Hanji gestured towards me, "She said she needed to feel threatened."

That didn't sound right. Most of my existence has been spent in danger, but I've only become a Titan once and a half times. I faced the Female Titan and watched almost everyone get slaughtered without transforming. It only happened when Levi got involved after being injured. He'd been the one underneath the syringe, not me. No wonder I've changed once or twice even though I've possessed the power to do so for more than a year.

"Go back up Levi." I'll have to confess to Hanji the true reason, but that didn't mean he needed to hear me. I wouldn't know how to explain anyways.

He didn't seem too confident in the idea of leaving the two of us alone, but without another word, he flew back up to the crest of the precipice. Watching his fading figure, a wistful smile graced my lips. He'd come so quickly to my defense. Keeping his promise to keep me safe. Turning back to Hanji, she'd parted her lips in absolute surprise. Seeing my face, an expression of understanding dawned on to her features. It didn't seem as if I'd need to explain too much.

"It's not me that has to be in peril but Levi."

Slowly nodding, Hanji looked around and up towards where the man himself presided. "You're going to have to figure out how to activate it on command, but for now, I think I have a solution." Without another word she swooped back up to her original position.

Staring up at them, I squinted because of the glare of sunlight raining down onto me. All of a sudden, I saw the dark figure shove the smaller figure off of the edge. A shockwave within my own nervous system sent me to my knees. Light erupted within and I found my vision being engulfed by a dizzying array of colors. Once I'd recognized that I now stood as tall as a Titan, I saw that Levi now stood on the palm of my enormous hand.

Lowering my limb, he stepped off the cliff. As Levi landed in the grass, he instantly stepped forward to smack Hanji on the head.

"It worked! Now, Saph! Try to harden yourself." Hanji screamed, waving her arms to get my attention.

Try to harden myself. Standing at the mouth of the cave, I had no idea how or what to try. If I thought I had no clue to turn, I had even less knowledge on how to harden. It's not like Eren could pass on any tips. I couldn't even be sure if it was a physical, emotional, or mental trigger that caused the change. Concentrating on different methods, I tried visualizing being covered in crystal first, but that didn't work. Then I tried flexing in an attempt to activate or turn on anything. Unlike Eren, I just learned I could turn. Everything happened to be new to me so I didn't know how to do anything different. Racking my brain for some ideas that I might've gleaned from my conversations with Eren, I thought back to the transformation of turning in the first place. Maybe I should focus on hardening myself in a different way first? If I punched the ground and thought of having armor around my fist would it happen? In order to become a Titan, Eren said to focus on a task, so I'll imagine it happening as I'm doing something like before. I bent over and punched the ground with no hesitation while imagining a thick protective shield forming over my hand. It didn't.

The earth trembled and my jaw dropped as my arm met sharp resistance. Well that didn't work, and there went my only idea. Dragging one of my claws through the dirt, I carved out a question mark before moving aside for Hanji to see. Being so unhelpful tired me. Just letting everyone down with my inability to be what they needed, over and over again.

"You don't know how to do it?"

I shook my head no.

"We are going with the backup plan then!" Hanji shouted, a grin still on her face. She nodded for a soldier to approach me. Staring at the woman, I watched her balance on one knee. Lifting my enormous appendage, I swayed but remained upright. Each position she put her body in, I tried to copy to the best of my ability. They got more and more complicated the longerI followed her orders. It's when I fell from that a man resumed her place to give me some different instructions. This time, focusing on how I could handle objects and weapons.

My claws got in the way of most smaller or thinner materials. They were power in of themselves though, slicing away at anything I pointed them towards

"Can you try to speak?" Hanji asked me after awhile.

Getting closer to her, I opened my mouth but only a keening whistle emanated from my throat, letting air swirl around sharp pointed teeth even though I didn't need to breathe. Withdrawing from her, I shook my head.

"Then we are going to have you perform the same building exercises with logs and rope like Eren. Sitting on the ground, my mind wandered as my fingers fiddled with the materials even with my claws in the way.

Neither of us had been able to harden so we couldn't close the hole at the present moment. They didn't need me to be building castles, but I couldn't do anything helpful. Growling under my breath, I felt an intense wave of emotion suddenly surge through my body until concentrating itself in my brain. The color red crashed behind my eyelids and I clutched my head.

Upset.

Standing up, all I wanted to do was get out of this beast that wanted to carry forward that singular emotion into an outburst of violence. Swaying, I didn't register the scattering soldiers as Hanji tried to regain my attention. Pain, anger, and sadness took ahold of my tendons and I bent over in agony as an unburdening of emotional turmoil transformed into a visceral physical reaction at the reality of my undoing. Scratching at the surface of the Earth, I messily wrote Levi's name in the mud. Over and over and over again. He's the only one who could unburden me of this desperation.

I couldn't hear Hanji's voice as she pleaded for me to calm down and that Levi would cut me out shortly. My action held little relief though as I repeatedly etched his name deeply into the surface around me. Blinded and overwhelmed, I collapsed to my knees while digging my nails into the grass until I'd uprooted bushes and other plants in my attempt to tighten my grip on anything. I wanted out. It felt as if a monster lived in my skin with me and was making me see my own wounded heart. That, or the nightmare laid in the fact that becoming a Titan only allowed a sense of nothingness to stand between me and my subconscious. Either way I didn't want to relive memories and feelings that I burrow in my waking moments. Opening my eyes, I finally lifted my head to see Hanji with Levi in front of me. I let out a terrible scream before my mind allowed itself to be swallowed by the gaping hole of my vibrating throat and I was overcome by a darkness both my own and not before I could discern anything happening to the small part of me that existed.