Author's note (well 'rant' is more appropriate). Sorry for the long time before updating. I received a lot of bad and quite demoralising comments recently. Quite unhelpful ones for me to become a better author. Those took a fait bit of my motivation to write.

Then I remembered that Sarcasm no Jutsu already have 250 followers and almost 200 favourites.
Having people appreciate my story meant a lot to me, even if it's not through words, and here's the next chapter.

So, for you who like this story, I'm sorry for taking so much time to upload.
And thank you.

Chapter 28: Ride the lightning

"Seriously? You managed to fail the Chunin exam six times?" I recognised Suigetsu's voice through the clouds that were my thoughts.

"Hey! That wasn't always because of me!" Aaaand that was Kabuto. "Well… Yeah, the first time it was. I lost my cool during the first exam and flunked my team… But at the next one we went to the second exam! But we were ambushed, one of my teammates was killed and we failed… But the year after I even got to the third exam! And I was directly put against someone who countered everything I could throw at him and was defeated… But on the fourth try I even won a match, but then…"

"Yeah, he's Konoha's 'unofficial bad luck charm'." The girl in Kabuto team spoke, as I was still trying to go back to the world of the livings. "When he was chosen as our last member our sensei even told us to 'not expect any miracles' and 'just come back alive'…"
"Ko… Konoko-chan…."

I cut them out as I started processing the torrent of memories that hit me. Kasumi was sitting beside me, in a way that hid me from the Kiri team.

"Option two, you sure?" whispered my teammate / archenemy.
"Hundred percent… Just need to… Breathe for a moment… Thank you…"

'Option one, two and three' were code words we agreed on yesterday evening. After the other team left, Neji and I resumed our observations of the Kiri team. They were just one floor above us, in the middle of their own strategy meeting.

I was quickly out when the little rabbit asked Suigetsu to create a water bubble around them, which completely muffled any sounds my Friend and I could hear. Even with his enhanced senses, in one swift move she made us useless.

But Neji didn't have that problem. Even, in his own words, 'he wasn't completely trained in lip reading', he managed to grasp the meaning of their conversation.

The little girl apparently thought their rooms were… 'Bugged'.

She then quickly explained the meaning of that word after their superior, Hozuki Chigetsu, expressed his incomprehension at seeing no insects. 'Bugged'. A term from my old world… After what I just discovered it made so much sense…

Ume quickly recovered from her faux-pas and explained that the 'guest rooms' were probably filled with listening devices. A fact that Neji confirmed with his Byuakugan. Suigetsu's father was quick to try to put holes in her theory but was immediately shut down when the girl pointed that, if Kiri had the technological means, then they would do the same.

I couldn't hear them anymore, but the wave of irritation emanating from their room threw me off balance.

Sensei, who was playing the devil advocate for the sake of our mission, was quick to point out that it's not uncommon for noble families to be at each other throats. The head of a noble clan of Kirigakure being schooled by a 9-year-old of a rival clan was a good reason to be angry.

Then Ume continued her explanation, suggesting that they used this and fed Kumo falsehoods about their strategies while only using non-verbal cues if the need arises. Their teachers apparently agreed and Suigetsu dropped the bubble.

But then, after I could listen again, Neji and I saw and heard the head of the Hozuki family whispering to the 'man' that never left his side. His bodyguard. Kishimaru of the Seven Swordsmen.

"I think I know why the Sumire chose this child."

And with that weird statement, the three options system was born.

Sensei was the one who suggested it after this revelation. Those Genins might be multiple things: heirs from their respective families, civilians chosen as representative for the clans, or simply branch members.

The last two would explain the lack of respect from an official family head.

Sensei then called the meeting off and asked us to continue our surveillance with these three possibilities on our mind.

"Congratulations for succeeding in the first exam." A woman entered our room and took me out of my reverie. I noticed that a lot of people from different villages had joined us while I was out.

"My name is Lebi, and I'll be the proctor for the second exam." The newly christened Jonin dropped a stack of papers on a desk before continuing.
"The next exam will begin tomorrow morning; these papers have the location and time you need to be there. Do not be late."

A stack of papers that, I noted, was too small for the number of participants.
Then, she simply left while a miniature brawl appeared to get them.

I watched as Hamasaki Gonmaru simply walked to the table, gently pushing aside anyone in his ways and took one paper, completely ignoring the people trying to attack him and calmly went back toward his team. Is this guy made of stone or something? Oh, wait…

"Neji?" I said toward our friend that already had his hat hiding his eyes.
"Got it. It's outside of Kirigakure, we'll need to take…. Cable car 3 to go there… And it's called the valley of Raijin."

"Very well, kids. Congratulations on succeeding the first exam."
Sensei welcomed us on our hotel. Kabuto's team went to their own rooms because they 'Didn't have gathered any useful information, except that the Sumire doesn't like us.'

"Very well, let's begin our first intelligence gathering session. We'll start by your general impressions."

I took a second to notice that, while we were in the foyer, the microphone above the door was surrounded by a small ball of water. The same technique Ume used to disable my enhanced sense of hearing. Yama's doing, probably.

"All of them, except the Hozuki and Kishi heirs, have suffered multiple traumas. The Sumire has three badly healed bone fractures on her body and multiple second degree burns on her neck, back, and arms. Probably from an explosive tag. There is also scar tissue in her left ear, impairing her sense of hearing." Neji began. "The rest are no better. The Mizushima had a broken wrist that was left to heal by itself. The civilian girl received a cutting wound to her abdomen that missed killing her by a mere centimetre. Probably from ninja wire."

"Kirigakure was never renowned for coddling their youth…" Sensei began, mind surely swirling. "This looks like a perfect case of option two but let's not draw any premature conclusions. Still, it raises questions about Kiri's medical level. Yamamoto-kun?"

"Sumire-san didn't displayed any healing technique." Yama continued. "I've been watching over her but none of the Kiri roster was injured. Still, the Aozora surprised me… The moment she appeared she took complete control of the situation and… Everyone calmed down and the conversation became completely ordinary. Even if I knew she was humouring us I couldn't even find the will to push for information…"

"So, Option one for her." Sensei said, mentally taking notes. "What she did is basically the opposite of Killing Intent. She released Positive Intent and pacified everyone. That's a high-level technique. One that you cannot learn in a few weeks without guidance."

"Yeah, the effect was immediate." Kasumi spoke. "Before she arrived, the little girl was completely scared by Neji."
Yeah, can't blame her.

"So… Option one for the rabbit too?" Sensei asked. "If she recognised a member of the Hyuuga, that implies a high level of education about a world Kiri closed itself off before she was born."

"Yes." Neji agreed. "Also, her first two trial were a Zen teaching and one from a famous children book. She answered both without taking a single time to think. She even rolled her eyes at the first one. For such a young child it's obvious that she has spent a lot of time reading."

"There's a weird thing, when she finally saw me, she… I don't know. Freaked out?" I asked.

"I saw that." Kasumi continued. "At first, she was just wary of you, then the second you mentioned your brother's name she completely froze. I couldn't read anything coming from her."
I took a moment to look at her.
"You can read emotions?"
"Not emotions, body language." Answered Kuruko in her usual matronly tone. "Reading your opponent is one of the tenants of the Nekomata's teaching."

"Hmmm…" Sensei was deep in her thoughts and finally looked at our resident psychopath.
"That could be another point for option one. Kasumi-chan, you might not know that, but Shinji's younger brother was named after his grandfather. A shinobi that threw Kiri out of the war by assassinating their Jonin commander alongside their strongest Jonins. If she knew that and recognised his tattoos or name, then it confirms her education level."

Yeah, no. She recognised Kiba's name alright, just not my grandfather. Still, I can't argue against that.

"So, is Kabuto-kun also from a famous clan?" Kasumi asked innocently. "Because, if seeing our resident idiot froze her on the spot, when Kabuto-kun arrived her killing intent went through the roof."

Oh, shit.

"Hm, I don't think so. Kabuto-kun is an orphan found in the aftermath of a battlefield. Maybe she was just annoyed that people kept approaching her? Some Shinobi develops an acute sense of paranoia and agoraphobia at an early age… Kabuto-kun might have been the one too much."
Sensei continued her mental checklist. Her devil-advocate conclusions were wrong on so many levels but… Credible without context.

"Ume and almost every one of them are option two."
Everyone turned toward the source of the one who interrupted us. Toward Moon-moon, who turned his nose toward me.

"She had the blood of at least 4 different people on her." I began with my conclusions of when I tried to smell them in the cable car. "But they are so fresh that I couldn't even tell if one of those was hers. She grew up in a kill or be killed world. You don't risk an heir like that. And if they do, why only her family?"

"The 'red rabbit' uses a custom fitted wig made from real hair and contact lenses." Neji continued. "Her hair natural colour is dark red and her eyes silver. I believe it's to hide the fact that she's completely unrelated to the Sumire. Besides that, as I said all of them display different level of untreated injuries, except the Kishi and Hozuki heir. The Mizushima merchant and the Aozora diplomat were also injured, albeit on a lesser degree."

"For the Hozuki, it's normal. They can't be hurt by normal means. For the Akebino swordsman, those scars are expected…" Yama added. "But the difference in treatment should not be that great. The Kishi is in perfect condition while all of them are left recuperating on their own like the clan-less girl. And since his files put him in the same team as the one who got hurt the most… I believe he got preferential treatment."

"They seemed… Close." Kasumi spoke. "The Sumire and Aozora especially. Ume's attitude completely changed when she appeared. She went from 'Kill Them All' to relaxed in an instant, even though she didn't want to show it. When the rest arrived, everyone was relieved to see the rabbit… Except the Kishi who was… Timid…"

"But that's not my reason." Moon-moon continued.
"Oh? And what have you smelled little dog?" Kuroko said in her motherly teasing voice.
"Friend only smelled the blood, but except the Kishi and the Hozuki, all of them smell the same. They grew up together."
"That could be the academy." Sensei continued her act, even though I could feel that she didn't really believed what she was saying.

"No. While the Kishi and the Hozuki have a bit of their smell on them, especially the Kishi, it is way stronger in the rest… And I…"
Moon-moon then paused, a regretful look on his face.
"I sensed… Other smells… Weak and slowly fading away… They lost a lot of friends. It made me think of… An animal shelter…"

"An orphanage…" I said calmly. Well, after all I saw Ume's mother being killed in front of me.

"Possible." Sensei concluded. "But we still don't have enough information to make a decisive conclusion. Even if it seems logical and obvious it's still dangerous to guess. Let's stop for today."

Then, sensei straightened herself and looked at us.

"But I want you to know that you did an excellent job today. Be it in the exam itself or this debrief." We all straighten up as well. It's not that Nara Kyougi was short of compliment, but they always meant something.

"You saw us during the exam?" Kasumi spoke with genuine curiosity.
"Of course!" Sensei happily perked up and I felt the familiar sensation of a new headache coming up.
"The Jonin sensei were all gathered in the same surveillance room to watch you. A few of them were impressed. Yama-kun got a few whispers of 'how?' when you reversed the Genjutsu and effortlessly disabled your engagement team. Neji-kun fight wasn't broadcasted, because no one besides me wanted to see the slaughter, and everyone started making fun of Shinji-kun performance until you arrived at the final room and completely humiliated Kumo. Now they're just angry at you."

"You could have kept that last part to yourself, you know… I would have died happier…" I weakly said.

"Hey! What about me?!" Kasumi said, not wanting to be left behind.
Kyougi smiled beautifully.
"Well… When the team went to you, everyone saw the ensuring massacre happening live! And swore to never speak of it again!"
Cue collective sweat drop.
"But yeah, you are not really affiliated with Konoha, so it didn't count." Sensei shrugged and Kasumi was… Satisfied.

"Anyway, that's it for tonight. Go to your rooms and prepare for tomorrow's exam and your mission."

Oh yeah… We are supposed to FAIL the Chunin exam. We are ordered to fail an exam were 'failing' rhymes with 'dying'…

"Welcome, Genins, to the valley of Raijin."

The meeting place where Lebi met us was a plain in front of a tall metal wall. A wave of nostalgia hit me as it somehow reminded me of the barrier surrounding the Forest of Death in the second exam of the story I knew.
Well, if you excluded the near-constant sound of lightning strikes, the fact that what lies behind wasn't a forest, the fact that it was a solid wall, the fact that our proctor was decently clothed, and… You know what? Let's call it a tall metal wall and move on.

"Those locals to the lands of lightning probably know the legend, but I'm saying this for the sake of the others."

Ok, don't care. My teammates will fill me the rest. Let's scout.

I looked at the other teams that succeeded in the first exam.
Teams coming from Kumo… Rain… Suna… Not even one from Oto or Iwa. None that I recognised, good.

"Now, we don't know how much of that legend is true, but it is true that there are daily storms that like to linger in this valley. So, we utilised it for our benefit. Today, though, we have cut our normal supplies lines because it will be YOUR job to do the honour of gathering the lifeblood of Raijin, the thunder god."

As I resumed paying attention to my surroundings, I noticed that a part of the metal wall before us opened. And besides was a gigantic plain, where three spires were located. On our right was a table with what I recognised as makeshift batteries.

"Each team will get one battery and you will go to one of the three lightning rods. There will be a panel near the bottom where you will be able to connect your battery for it to charge. Be careful though, if a lightning bolt strike your tower when your battery is charging, it might explode, and you will have to find another one." Lebi continued her speech in a neutral tone.

"For this exam, the rule is that your battery must be completely charged, and every member of your team must be accounted for and conscious. How you get a full battery or how you deal with other teams is entirely up to you but know that only the first ten teams will advance."

Yeaaaaaah… Like the receptionist of our hotel, she's way to casual while telling children that they will have to kill each other… Maybe they are related…

Then, she reached into a pouch and pulled out a short pop gun.
"I do hope that you'll have an interesting experience. Your time limit is two hours, and we begin in three…"

"She didn't say 'go'…" Kasumi whined while she started the countdown.
"I wondered if it's because she said it in the past and learned from it, unlike a certain someone…" I deadpanned.
"Besides, she doesn't look like the kind of person that would appreciate the joke." Yama nodded wisely.
Neji just took a long and resigned sigh.

Then, Lebi pulled the trigger, and it was ON.

I immediately moved. With a short dash I was in front of the table and grabbed the closest one.
Then I didn't feel the plastic surface I was expecting, but… the back of someone's hand.

I looked in surprise at the owner of the hand that I was holding, Ume's, whose face went from 'surprise'… To absolute 'disgust' from the touch...

"Wow, you're fast! Well, Ladies first!" I quickly released her hand and grabbed another battery before quickly returning to my team, as everyone else was rushing toward the table or… Attacking other teams.

I Focused on Kasumi, the one closest to my position, and analysed the situation around her.
It was quickly deteriorating. Some Genins from Sand were attacking her from behind. On my peripheral vision I saw Neji moving to intercept them. Good.

I released my Focus and rejoined them, scouting our surrounding.

"I've got the battery; we need to move now!"

And then, just like that, everything went wrong.

Kabuto's team secured a battery and ran away toward the three towers.
One random Genin, after securing a battery, destroyed the rest. Turning this Time Challenge into a Deathmatch.
The Hozuki stayed to fight while his team and Ume's ran toward different towers.

And…

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Yama screamed in pain as he fell to the ground. He had been singled out, and a Kumo-nin with metal gauntlets was towering above his fallen body.

Our team immediately went by his side, Kasumi checking his pulse while Neji took a guarding stance against the one that hurt our friend.

"So weak… You guys never had a chance, you should be thanking me for that, you know?"
The Kumo-nin was riding high on his own adrenaline. His metal gauntlets buzzing with electricity.

I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to EVISCERATE HIM.

"KONOHA TEAM FOUR!" The voice of our proctor echoed. "With the loss of your teammate, you are out of the competition. Any act of violence against another team still participating will be taken as an act of sabotage. If you do so, then I will be well within my rights to banish your other team from the exam!"

Lebi marched toward us. Apparently not caring about the brawl that was happening around her. She didn't even bat an eyelid when a Genin on her left was suddenly strapped by explosive notes and… and… Shit, he was just a kid…

"You are dismissed."
"Aw, and I wanted so much to put them in their place…" The Kumo Genin with the electrical gauntlets said, looking at the proctor. "But I guess the rules are here to protect the weak, right?"
"Hey, Hum, Lebi-sama? Is it possible to challenge a member of your village to a… friendly spar by chance? We are allies after all. You know, in theory? To deepen our friendship?" I said with my Saï-est smile.
"It's possible, but it will have to wait."

Somehow it worked. There must be something wrong with the water here. Or it's the altitude.

"But you're out and I must continue to supervise the rest. Take your friend and leave."

The Kumo Genin went on his way to join his team.

"Shinji. Yamamoto's pulse is weird. Can you check it up?" Kasumi said, kneeling close to our friend.
"Okay, but you'll have to define 'weird' to me because I'm not a medical nin." I said while kneeling beside her to feel the pulse of our fallen teammate.

And it was erratic. Irregular. I immediately concentrated on it because if that asshole managed to give him a heart attack, then FUCK KABUTO'S TEA…

Waiiiit, his pulse was irregular, yes… But there's a pattern…

D.I.N.G.K.I.D.D.I.N.G.K.I.D.D.I.N.G.K.I.D….

He was completely awake and modifying his heartbeat to send us a message IN FREAKING MORSE CODE! HOW THE FUyeah no, coming from him, I shouldn't be that surprised anymore...

After that revelation, I carried the 'defenceless' Yama in a piggy-back.

"Huuuuungh… He's been packing weight recently…" I said for fun while walking toward the exit. "Neji-kun, when he's awake please remind me to tell him to slow down on the pudding…"

With his body against my back, I felt Yama's heartbeat change and translated it.

"K.I.L.L.Y.O.U.I.N.Y.O.U.R.S.L.E.E.P."

"JUST KIDDING! Let's get back!" I said, and anyone who will believe Kasumi saying that I was scared is too gullible for their own good.

"Congratulations on completing your first mission." Sensei was waiting in our room. "You managed to fail the Chunin exam while leaving a strong impression. Now, we'll just wait for the second exam to finish and see what the other team has gathered. Then, you'll be free to go and collect every bit of information about the Kiri team."

We all went to our personal rooms. Yama was led in the foreign building hospital to 'recover'.
Aka: evaluate their medicine level.

After a few hours, Kabuto's team came back, having succeeded the second exam, and we held another debriefing.

"Very well, since your Sensei couldn't come with you for… Personal reasons, I'll be doing your debriefing. But I'm sure he will only have words of praise for you when you get back." Kyougi began when we were all (sans Yama, still 'resting') grouped together in the study room.

"Have you been able to gather any interesting knowledge about them?"

"That infuriating rabbit…"
The big guy, probably the leader, spoke first. What was his name again? Ito… Ati… Itomimizu? Don't care, let's call him Random Genin #1.
"… Is the real deal." He visibly deflated before telling us how their exam went.

Apparently, they secured a battery, but lost quite a bit of time before managing to run away from the brawl.
When they finally got out, they saw that two spires were suddenly covered by a heavy mist and their choice became… Limited.

They decided to penetrate the deep mist of one of those two. The last spire was crowded by teams from villages not really in friendly terms with ours.
They journeyed into the mist until Ume suddenly appeared in front of them.

Random Genin #1 was scared and threatened the little girl, only gaining a sword on his throat before anyone could see her moving from her position.

Kabuto apparently managed to negotiate a truce, and she agreed to work with them.

"She took our battery when we arrived." R.G.1 continued. "And asked us to stay away from the tower."
"There was a Genjutsu in place to hide their positions. I could feel three other people but… Couldn't place them." The girl, apparently a low-level sensor, continued. "Then lightning hit the tower and the batteries exploded…"

"The Genjutsu broke at that point." Kabuto continued. "The Aozora kid that was casting it immediately ran toward her teammates. They were fine. Apparently, the Red Rabbit grabbed the blond boy and took him outside of the blast."

"Are you telling me that she reacted fast enough to dodge a lightning strike?" Sensei asked with an eyebrow raised.
"I'll take one for the team and say the joke we are all thinking now: that's lightning-fast reflexes."
Everyone turned their disapproving gaze on me, and I wisely chose to shut the fuck up. Ungrateful bastards.

"Things became pretty hectic after that." The last member of their team spoke up. "While the rest were completely thrown off balance, the little girl immediately took control of the situation. Her plan was to use a Genjutsu to scare away the teams present at the last spire…"

"And the Hamasaki boy tried to hit on me." Konoko said.
"He did NOT!" R.G.1 said, blushing.
"I don't care. He's cute."
"The Hamasaki are a clan specialised in assassination. Please care, if you like being alive." Sensei coldly interjected while the other boy nodded. Teenagers…

"We moved toward the only spire uncovered by mist. Here Aozora-san created… An illusion of the other contestants." Kabuto continued. "All completely lifelike to the smallest detail. She made them ran toward the teams that were charging their own batteries. The Hamasaki used an earth jutsu to mimic the sound of 40 people running and it worked. They fled, we secured two batteries, retreated as fast as possible and passed the second exams thanks to them."

"You made Konoha proud today." Sensei said. "Do you have anything to add? Something that looked weird. If not, we can see this briefing to a close."

"Hmmmm. I do." The girl said. "After the lightning hit and everyone was accounted for, everyone immediately followed the rabbit without questions. Except the Kishi, who went to talk to her. I couldn't hear what they were saying but… After a few phrases he immediately closed off and looked at us. That was… Weird…"

"I see…" Sensei said, mind surely working on overdrive. "Thank you, Konoko-chan. That was a good observation. We will continue our debriefing without you. Please go and take some rest."

They agreed and left our room.

"So, what do you think?" Sensei asked to no one in particular.
"We can stop the exam right now. Kiri's got it in the bag. No other team displayed that level of competence." I said.
"The rabbit and the Aozora are sure to be promoted. The Sumire is a natural born leader and the Aozora already displayed two extremely advanced techniques." Neji continued while sensei just nodded while taking notes.
"It's too bad that we couldn't get more information about the other team, but I guess that was unavoidable." Kasumi finished.

"Yes, but that's alright." Sensei said while yawning. "Since this team is composed with families we already know, Itomi's team made the right choice. Let's stop here for tonight."
Oh, yeah, That was his name. I'll try to remember this time.

Neji and I left to our room, were Yama was waiting for us, apparently discharged from the hospital.
Once there, I crashed face first on my bed, letting out a contended sigh.

"I call dibs on the shower, guys. In a minute, when my brain stops melting…"

"We need to talk, Shinji."

But then, the cold voice of my friend cut me short. I immediately reopened my eyes and turned towards him, sitting in his own bed, looking at me with a carefully guarded expression.

"Who is Kabuto and why does he terrify you and Ume so much?" Neji continued, back against the door, Byakugan activated. I had no way to retreat.

Oh fuck... How I am going to slither my way out of this...