Saph's PoV

Before I even opened my eyes, the surrounding light blinded my senses. Curling into the fetal position, I pressed my palms into my sockets as I shouted, "Get rid of those god damn lights. They're giving me a headache."

The torches were hastily removed from my surrounding area. "You can open your eyes now, Saph," Erwin's voice calmly stated. Never a hint of reassurance, but always a matter of fact.

With my eyes fluttering, I took in the people at the foot of my bed. Levi. Hanji. Erwin. I exhaled the breath of anxiety I'd been holding in the back of my throat. I didn't want people around me at the moment. I should've figured that most of the squad would be with Eren. It shook me to the core to realize that the people in the room have been in the Corps the longest. Every time I took notice of the fatality around me, it sent me into a period of panic. Not even the best of us have survived for long in this lifestyle. Mike. Auruo barely escaped with his life. "What happened?"

"Do you remember the experiment we ran?" Hanji asked.

"I couldn't harden myself. Then I tried to speak which didn't work. It was during building the fort that I began to lose my sense-" of self, of identity. I didn't know how that would sound.

Hanji picked up after my pause, "Yes, that is about when I began to deduce you losing consciousness. You became quite erratic and began to scratch Levi's name into the mud. It then turned to indistinguishable scribbles as you began to wail. We couldn't let you give away our position, so that's when we had Levi cut you out," Hanji finished.

"So neither Eren or I would be able to close Wall Maria."

"That's right," Levi interjected, "you're both next to useless. Everyone's been in a horrible mood because of it."

I glared at him. Guilt already weighed my mind down; I didn't need anymore. "So that's why you're taking it out on me? Because it's my fault that I can't crystalize my flesh? I'll let the people who kidnapped me and forced me to become one know that. Oh wait. We murdered almost all of them. You can let Kenny know for me if you see him first."

Levi snorted at my sarcasm. "Of course I'm going to bitch. Our situation is shit. It's been that way for over one hundred years, and it's only once you leave the walls that you notice. You realize that this isn't normal and the air beyond the walls doesn't smell like shit because it has freedom. Even if it's hell, it's better than continuing to breathe in this shit."

"It's not like the experiment was a failure either you two!" Hanji exclaimed. "We now know your limitations and versatility. This can only help us move forward."

"We've got a different sort of job for you now, Saph," Erwin said, moving from leaning against the wall to stand by the bed. "I know you have a multitude of contacts throughout the area who have information not only about the Underground networks but secrets our bureaucracy has as well. We need you to find out as much as you can about the Reiss family."

"Is this about Historia and how she grew up? There's plenty of lords with illegitimate children who keep them secluded or send the mistresses away to hide their affairs."

"Yes," Hanji agreed, "but Minister Nick said that she is the only one who can learn the origin of the Titans in the walls. We want to know why the Reiss family, and not the king, holds the power."

I nodded in agreement. Peeking into their affairs for years didn't allow me to glean much from the tight lips I threatened. Many died before they'd allow the secrets to spill. More information now rested in my hands, however, and that could only benefit the search. It'd been awhile since I visited Bell too, but I knew she wouldn't wonder where I'd been. Not having to explain my Survey Corps duties was always a blessing. It's not like she ever wanted to hear about the death and destruction that happened far away from her ivory tower of indulgence. I hadn't visited Agni since Kenny had kidnapped me either. Knowing he was working with the Military Police, I thought I'd have caught a glimpse of him by now around their headquarters by the palace. Unless they stationed him elsewhere.

"I'll be leaving for Mitras now," Erwin said as he exited the room.

"Is it safe for me to leave?" I asked Hanji and Levi, it dawned on me that if we had Military Police poking around, I could be in danger.

"You'll just have to be cautious and keep yourself hidden. We are preparing for them to target us, but we believe they'd go after Eren and Historia mostly."

"Kenny knows," I said, turning to Levi. "He's the only one who could have even hinted at me being a Titan shifter.."

Hanji pondered for a second, mulling over my words in her head as she weighed the options. "You know the Underground better than anyone here besides Levi, I'm confident you'll be fine down there. Just don't confront Kenny or go out of your way to cross paths with him. They also will be quite focused on Erwin in Mitras, and trying to figure out what his motives and next move might be."

"It's not like I waltz in using the front door either," I assured them both. I'd never felt nervous reentering the Underground since it's always been my territory, but knowing that Kenny could be lurking in the shadows for me is concerning. "I'll leave in a few days once I have everything organized." I slowly put my feet on the floor, worried that I'd have difficulty standing with how bloated and crowded my head felt.

"Let me help you!" Hanji exclaimed, reaching to cradle my elbow. "Levi? Why don't you get her some food and bring it to your guy's room?" Muttering under his breath, Levi left with a disgruntled look on his face. Staring at him, Hanji waited until the door thudded behind him before turning to me. "Levi has been acting strange."

Confused, I stared at her for a moment. "What do you mean? He's been acting more upset but I think we all are."

"I don't mean that he's just moody. I heard that he railed at some soldiers during two separate incidents for quite small matters. When we were getting you out of the Titan, he snapped at me multiple times with some unexpected words. He's putting himself under too much pressure."

I nodded with her assessment. He'd divulged not too long ago that everybody died on his watch. With danger looming all around, particularly in the form of a lethal killer like Kenny, it'd make sense to be moody. "He seems to be either deathly calm or almost wound up," I whispered thinking of his cutting assessment about Eren and I.

Hanji stared off into the distance, a far away look in her eyes. "He won't allow himself to process his emotions or grief. Levi has never really been helpless before the way he was by spending that time in a cell with you. Knowing that the two of you were in danger without being able to do anything. Combined with the fact that there was nothing to do but sit and think? He's reaching a breaking point, and I think you're the only one able to help him."

Helping me back to my room, Hanji remained quiet the rest of the way. Which I was thankful for since my own thoughts had flooded my ability to pay attention. It made sense once she pointed it out. While we may have grown closer, the look in his eyes seemed more distant than ever. I didn't know if I could help Humanity's Strongest Soldier heal when I was so fucked up myself. How could I offer much support when I struggled so much with my own ability to care for myself? My fucked up idea of therapy and justice involved killing people, not the healthiest activity in anyone's book. He needed some outlet though, and, if I happened to be better at another activity besides killing, it'd be fucking.

"Here you go, Levi, one exhausted, Saph."

I patted her on the arm, "Thank you for getting me back here." Starving, I grabbed the bowl of soup on the dresser and hobbled to my own bed.

"Don't spill on the sheets," Levi reprimanded me as I tottered on the covers with the liquid sloshing to the edge.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Hanji," I yawned.

After she shut the door, I glanced at Levi. Unsure of how to go about what Hanji wanted from me and my own plan, I silently sipped my soup as I contemplated my options. I wanted to help him. I wanted to give him the reassurance and warmth that I found being around his presence. The guarantee that even if I'm not safe, at least I'm not alone. Maybe that's how he felt with all his strength. That he shouldn't have to rely on anyone because everyone else was weaker than him, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. The feeling only seemed to be compounded by the fact that we were surrounded by children who were all putting their lives on the line to fight in what appeared to be a never ending battle. The Survey Corps unknowingly declared war on the world when they'd decided to leave the safe borders of the Walls.

Now individuals with their childhoods cut painfully short fought the battles. Their blood soaking the same fields as their forefathers as humanity hasn't moved an inch forward in over 100 years. We only barely regained Trost, which never would've happened without the aid of the form our enemy takes. Still, even with two monsters on our side the corpses still litter the floor. Only appearing to be younger and younger the longer I remain in this cloak with the wings. They looked liked children playing soilder and I had a hard time being around them because of how youthful they were even if most of their innocence has diminished. They still had so much energy and spunk. Nothing like Levi or I anymore.

"How have you been doing?"

Staring at me unfazed, Levi didn't even seem to believe my question was worth answering.

"People are worried about you, so I'm asking about your welfare," I said while trying to hide how uncomfortable I felt. Nobody really talked about their emotions too much in the Survey Corps. How were we supposed to recognize anything in ourselves other than determination to survive? Petra would've been a better choice for this.

"You mean Hanji? She needs to be concerned with her own shit."

"You have been acting quite aggressive lately, more so than usual," I added. The air swirled with tension as Levi began to glare at me as I continued, "there's a lot that has happened." He didn't seem convinced by my logic so I thought back to what Hanji spoke about. "We have all lived with the reality of dying, but being locked up in that village?"

Levi clenched his jaw as he finally moved the focus of his stare away from me to his hands. "If we hadn't been taken, I would have been there on the rescue mission to save Eren and Historia. Erwin wouldn't have lost his arm and more Survey Corps members would be alive. I also just found out that I've been killing people."

"That's not that bad," I sputtered, surprised that he'd confessed to these concerns. "The majority of people who'd died were the Military Police. You also don't know if you'd been able to save Erwin since it's lucky that he's even alive. We have no choice when we leave these walls to fight-"

"You don't understand!" Levi shouted as he punched the wall. Shocked, I held my breath. His fist punctured the smooth surface leaving a hole where there had been previously wood. "I'm never there when people are in danger," he growled out while grinding his teeth. "What's the point of being Humanity's Strongest Soldier when I'm too weak to protect anybody?"

"That's not true! You've protected me. You got Eren back when the Female Titan took him. There's so many people that you've saved."

"Then why are the only people who've been in the Corps longer than us Erwin and Hanji?"

"Well that just shows that it's not the people you care about who die, but everyone!"

"..."

Feeling my own emotions begin to choke me, I struggled to convey my words around the lump in my throat. I never knew he put so much blame onto himself. No matter his strength, he was still only human. Something that not only him but most seemed to forget. "You have to find a way to not only forgive yourself but an outlet. This isn't healthy."

"You mean like you do? Slaughtering people who stand in the way of your revenge?"

I waved away his remarks. "You used to let loose when you butchered the Titans. That's not going to work anymore, though, since we know the truth of their existence. Besides, I have other methods as well to deal with our gloomy, stressful, and short life." This seemed to be the perfect oppertunity to proposition him with my idea. I knew that I just couldn't come out and say it. It'd have to be slowly introduced.

"What?"

"Sex and sweets. A lot of people also choose to drink themselves into a stupor when they're feeling down. That might not be the best option since we are already on guard."

"I hate sugar."

"But! Almost everyone loves sex."

"Are you volunteering?"

My heart began to thump in my chest as I imagined finally being able to touch him. To hold him in ways that I've never allowed myself to even dream about. Not since him and Petra got together. I didn't think he'd add me into the equation so quickly. "Not exactly, but I wouldn't be against it. I have never had sex with someone as short as you so I'm sure it'd be quite an experience," I teased to hide the embarrassing flush coursing through my body. This might go much smoother than I imagined previously.

My remark seemed to turn him off though as Levi looked so done with my shit, that I didn't have the courage to press the matter. "You're a dumbass."

Nervous about how much I wanted him to take me seriously, I struggled to continue the light tone. If I played my hand to hard, he'd know that something is up. If he started thinking about it to much, I'm sure he'd come to a damning conclusion. "Fine. It's not like I want to sleep with you. Bell is not only good in bed but I get treats afterwards."

"So you're just using her for information, her body, and food."

"Yes. She uses me for my body and entertainment."

"Entertainment? You'd have to be fun first before someone kept you around for your company."

"Hey! I'm great to have around. Not everyone gets to sleep with an elite member of the Survey Corps much less a Titan Shifter."

Levi rolled his eyes, his mood dipping once again to disapproval rather than the heightened rage that I had just witnessed moments ago.

"Besides, I'm one of the top soldiers now because of my experience."

"Mikasa could kick your ass, and she's only been outside the walls a few times."

I groaned. "I'm comparing myself to the majority of the human population, not superhuman freaks like the two of you." I paused, "I guess Eren and I are freaks too, though." I'd have to talk to the kid tomorrow. See what his experiences being a Titan have been thus far in order to get a better grasp on my own process.

"Don't worry, Saph. You've always been a freak."

I threw my pillow at him while trying not to smile. If not for the hole in the wall, I'd have thought Levi's emotional outburst had been a part of my imagination. Witnessing his mix of sloshing emotions, all spilling over the edge of his self-control, concerned me far more than if Levi stayed in a grouchy mood. The teetering between his usual asshole self and a complete state of agitation meant that Hanji was right. Not like I could ask him to take a break. Not in the middle of this war. Not when the future of humanity depended on his capability to see us through no matter the odds. Knowing that the Titans used to be human must also be fracturing his sense of self. Levi never was one for mindless bloodshed, and while his kill count for Titans far exceeded anyone else's, I'd laid waste to human life much more than Levi ever extended himself towards. He'd killed people while living Underground, but the circumstances also left little choice. He'd rather go almost any other route than murdering others.

Pain encapsulated my heart as the corners of my mouth sagged. Oh what I'd give to take the weight off of his shoulders. To give him some reprieve from this harsh world that never allowed him to relax. For all his despondency and coldness, nobody else in the Survey Corps strived to take care of people like he did. The extension of his generosity far exceeded the majority of soilders in general. Erwin would sacrifice anyone necessary for the survival of all. Hanji routinely lost herself in researching and strategizing to optimize our success. Only Levi cared to protect every member here as if they mattered for the future. Growing up in the Underground didn't even kill his genuine capability to have empathy. What a sensitive and warm soul he would've been if circumstances allowed for sentimentality.

"I'm sorry."

"For throwing your pillow?" Levi asked in disbelief.

"No. I'm sorry that I can't crystallize myself in order to close the hole. I'm sorry that the people you care about get hurt or killed. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help to you."

"...you're getting soft."

I almost cackled at his words. Whose fault was that? I'd hardened myself to the reality of this world because it did nothing but try to destroy me. Both parents, dead. Suzu, gone. Anyone that I considered a friend had been killed. All that lied left before me, Levi. All my hope had subconsciously been poured into him. Only he unknowingly contained the last of my joy. The last of my will to live. I found it difficult to swallow a large lump in my throat as wetness dampened my eyes. I wanted to thank him. For allowing me to find a hint of happiness by being in his life. For allowing a nobody like me to stay by his side. He deserved better. He deserved Petra here, not me. She'd have been a comforting presence to be locked up for weeks with, not an antagonizing one.

That didn't mean our time together in the same cell hadn't changed both of us and our connection. We'd both made peace with our own and the other's role in the deaths we couldn't undue. He didn't hate me anymore. Or, if that feeling had been dissipating over the years, Levi didn't wish to see me punished for our past pains. Now, a feeling of inseparableness had infected our connection even if he'd deny it. One that'd been forged since Farlan and Isabel's deaths. We both only had each other. We both could find comfort in the other's presence. We were partners in our misery and loss.

"Let's have that picnic after we take back Wall Maria. For everyone who isn't here with us anymore, let's both find happiness." I wanted him to make an impossible promise. To say that there was a life for us after this. Where it contained not just bliss, but we were together. It didn't even have to be in a romantic way. I never believed Levi would fall in love with me. I just wanted him there. "I'll make you tea."

"It tasted like shit the last time you made it."

"I didn't know how to make it the first time. Now I do." Petra taught me. She showed me after my failed attempt to make him tea previously.

Settling under the covers, he withdrew into himself as we both remembered how Petra would always be the one to fix him tea. I may be one of the few people who got to see the more vulnerable and playful side of him and I knew that he trusted me enough to find comfort in sleeping in the same room, but Levi still existed out of my reach. It only took a second for him to pull back completely. To shut down his heart. Oh how could I be so thankful to have him here, yet so desperate to have all of him? I'd learned to make tea to be a source of relief. I learned how to be a medic in case he ever needed life saving assistance. I wanted more though. Levi would never fall in love with me, but that didn't mean I couldn't give my everything to him for the remainder of my life. I'd already decided to never tell him my feelings, but I would follow him until the end of my days and support him however he wanted.