Levi's PoV

Passing within the fields next to the orphanage once again. I tried to catch a sight of a curly brunette bob and gangly limbs amidst the children running around. Saph has been frequently vising Historia's orphanage to spend time with the kids, which surprised me at first to see her decide to visit. That said, they'd all grown up in similar conditions to the two of us. There's an unspeakable understanding between those who went through hell in their formative years. I'm sure she's also been visiting often since we're not spending any time together. No sense in faulting that since I felt myself doing the same. I knew I needed to consider our next conversation and what it'd entail. Any chance I decided to consider how I felt, a jumble of emotions would mix me up sending me on long walks to clear my head. My feet always seemed to carry me to her.

That's why I tried to put it to the side for a second, I figured that it'd been long past due for me to visit Auruo. It'd been true what I said to Saph about there not being a second of peace, but some hesitation also came from the fact that I didn't know what he'd say once he sees me. He'd never been shy about his dislike of Petra's and I's relationship, and I didn't want to hear his disapproval and blame. My mind weighed heavy with thoughts and memories of both Saph and Petra. I'd decided before we found Kenny, that I needed to be apart from Saph for a second. Her kissing me completely unbalanced my understanding of how she saw me.

We'd spent years together with all her energy focused on pursuing Suzu. I thought she saw me as an obstacle and then an annoyance. Later a begrudging camaraderie that somehow somewhere morphed into a deep companionship over the years. Where I could trust her with pretty much anything. That is until she became quite distant in the past year up until our kidnapping. Before, I'd attached the idea of revenge to Saph's entire motive or intoxication. That'd been why she kept herself at a distance as she did the work to earn her nickname. There's now so much blood and tears imprinted onto her flesh. I thought it'd been her process of giving up on living. Letting her sorrow slowly drive her insane because no amount of bloodshed would satisfy the hole left in her heart. The notion that Saph should've never become a soldier popped into my head. Nobody doubted her fighting skills, but she loves others too hard. She can't dedicate herself to the mission and make the sacrifices necessary for the bigger picture. My heart weighed heavy in my chest as I realized that she might've never picked up a weapon if the people she loved weren't constantly in danger.

Now I also couldn't help but think that Petra and I being together also pushed her away. Bequeathed a level of discomfort that she never let on. Never let a slip of the tongue happen no matter the number of long conversations shared over the years. How harsh I'd been to her during some moments. Her loyalty to loved ones never strayed, and no one knew that better than me. That's why I worried she'd end her life after taking Kenny's. I didn't see that her fight with the world extended further. That she didn't just care for me but would guard me at all costs. Where shifting into a monster becomes acceptable and easy to ensure the destruction of all our enemies.

Yet there'd been so much change and I didn't bear witness to any of it. Her soothing touch when she wiped away the dirt on my face in the cell. A calm and always honest presence. Things I'd never imagine from her previously. She'd always been so dangerous. In a multitude of ways. Hellbent on saving Suzu and bulldozing over anyone who got in her way. Ruthless with a blade. Manipulative and smart as a whip. Too much of a smartass for her own good. More enjoyable to be around than a psychopath should be. So damn self-sacrificing when it comes to the people she loves. A heartbreaker through and through. Either by stabbing you in the chest or getting herself killed while protecting you.

She earned the title Saph the Slaughterer in all that time spent hunting down a single man. I'd seen her throw herself into danger over and over again. At first, I considered her selfish, but she never seemed to put herself in high regard. It has always been about Suzu. A lightbulb went off in my head, and I realized that's why she swung the shovel that day. That she needed to protect me even from her treasured little brother. No wonder the guilt almost ate her alive.

I almost ran into the door because of how deep I'd withdrawn into my troubling speculation. Frustrated with myself, I already entered the room in a bad mood. Auruo set down his book at the sight of me, and I regretted that I didn't mentally prepare myself a moment longer before I came in.

"Took you long enough, Captain. Though I'm glad to hear you captured the Female Titan."

"Titan Shifter named Annie Leonhardt. She'd been in the same recruitment class as Eren. Went to the Military Police. She encased her body in crystal and is now being held underground."

"Have you found more Titan Shifters?"

I nodded in exasperation. They seemed to be everywhere now. "Three more from that same recruitment class. One the Armor. Another the Colossus. A girl we now believe who used to be a Titan wandering outside the walls. We think she became a Shifter once she ate a comrade of theirs. Saph and I got kidnapped and taken to a small village far outside Wall Maria that had one on fire. Potentially another with long arms and hair covering its body. Saph also got turned into one when she got kidnapped by Kenny previously which we discovered, " I finished.

"Shit… that's a lot of dangerous bastards." Auruo rubbed the back of his neck, "and we only have two of them. Sounds dangerous."

"We are planning on retaking Wall Maria soon. All of them might be there to greet us." It twisted the pit in my stomach to say it. They'd killed so many people and soldiers just because of how powerful they are compared to everyone else. Even with both Saph and Eren, we still needed to plan as if it could be 2 v. 4.

Auruo grabbed at the covers of his bed. "Sounds like you've been busy. Must not have much time to think."

I wish. "I miss having the team every day. It's not the same without you guys."

"I'm sure."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm being serious. They put a bunch of brats in the Squad. I'm babysitting now." The whole military contained mostly children at this point. Just handfuls of veterans continued to fight at this point after the slew of deaths we've experienced.

"Not Saph."

The question rolled off my tongue before I considered if it needed to be asked. "What do you mean?"

"I'm sure she's been taking every opportunity to be right there by your side to help you grieve." he snarled without looking up, clutching the blankets tightly in his fists. "I wouldn't put it past her to be trying to seduce you."

I moved closer to him. "She misses everyone too, especially Petra."

"DON'T SAY HER NAME!" Auruo shrieked out. "Neither of you know anything about this grief. She loved you so much, and you've already moved on. Couldn't protect her either when it mattered."

Rage flared up inside my bones, a seething mixture of loathing and desperation made me spit out, "you were right there. I thought you'd be capable of doing so even with me gone, but I turned out to be wrong."

"You're Humanity's Strongest Soldier. I thought that if I had to give her up, it'd at least be to someone who deserved her. But you didn't! You never let go of Saph even when you had Petra," Auruo finally glanced up to glare at me.

Confused, I stepped forward so that I loomed over him. "What do you mean by that?"

The movement sapped out of him all of a sudden. A ragged sort of tired took over, and tears glistened. "She once told me that nobody knew you better than Saph. That she knew you two went a long way back, so she wanted to be patient. Wait for you to open up to her," he sniffled. "She deserved to be loved better while she was alive."

I clenched my teeth. Wrought with horror and despair at this knowledge. Saddened, all desire to argue dissipated. I only wanted to leave. To hear nothing more. "You're right. I wish she'd chosen you. That you two somehow ended up out of the army and been a family. She couldn't have killed people."

"You mean fighting the Military Corps? I read the newspaper." I nodded but he wouldn't let me speak. "You're right about that. Dead bodies everywhere. I thought that Saph had to be psychotic to be so vicious, turns out she's not the only one."

I knew he'd be upset about Petra, but I didn't need him dismissing all the efforts of the Survey Corps. "We fight to free humanity from these Walls and Titans, the government's been keeping all this knowledge from us to achieve this goal. I'm not here to defend our purpose and mission just because you're not in the field anymore. Plenty of soldiers died to put Historia on the throne." Turning around, I began to briskly move towards the exit.

"It's not surprising you know." I stopped to listen. "That Petra fell in love. With the way, Saph talks about you." I regretted hearing the jeering sentiment. Yanking the door open, I left immediately.

I'd just pushed her away. Said I need a period apart because… I felt being in that frame of mind disservices Petra. However, that thought alone meant I didn't just automatically reject Saph's feelings despite still being unsure of my own. Auruo's words repeated over and over in my brain. A leftover threat to taunt and nag at my soul. Pissed off and disoriented, I craved something I rarely sought as a method of comfort. Alcohol.

Sitting amongst the empty jugs and containers of various intoxicating liquids, I finally began to feel the effects. A certain delirium accompanied by a warm blanket onto the senses. Nobody sat around me at the counter of the bar. Full to the brim, but the barstools right next to me remained empty. I'd been chugging one after another for quite a long time. It took Ackerman's a bit more effort and strategy to get drunk for some reason. Thankfully, Kenny taught me how to get intoxicated at a pretty early age.

Bastard. Who leaves a kid to fend for themselves in the Underground? Then he kidnaps other ones just to keep bringing in recruits for the royal's sick purposes. Saph most likely cut a huge amount of them down in her quest to rescue Suzu. Still a child herself.

I raised my glass to call for another round. The small terrified bartender quivered over and poured. He tried to speak but no words came out, after it filled to the brim, he scuttled away in silence.

"Levi?" Hanji sat next to me, eyes following my every movement. "What a surprise to see you here."

"Next one is on me," I gulped it all down, a warm heat running down my throat. "Didn't know you visited bars, Hanji."

She swished her newly arrived drink. "I don't. Rather be in the lab, but I heard from a little birdy that you might be here."

Groaning, I didn't want to see the look on her face. Way too much concern on her part. "People don't need to be talking about shit they don't know about."

"People are concerned. They're wondering what happened between you and Saph."

"Them? Or you?"

She slightly raised her glass, sipping the mixture before grimacing and setting it down. "It's weird to see the two of you not talking for everyone. Did you guys fight?"

"No. It's not any of your business anyways."

A waggling finger almost got shoved up my nose. "Be nice to her. She'd do almost anything for you."

"What does it matter!" I shouted, tired of hearing and talking and thinking about her.

"Levi?"

My name. Always calling my damn name. "Why are you here, Saph?"

Hanji got up, and I realized that she'd been the one to tell her of my whereabouts. She seemed relieved as she walked past Saph. "Thank you for coming, I'll let you take care of this."

Little over two weeks had passed since I'd seen her. She always appeared younger than I remembered. That look of wonder and youth as if her eyes captured the moment she saw outside the walls and never let it go. A surprising sort of expression. The passing of time only lent a hand in hardening her features with experience rather than age. Sliding up to my side, she ordered some sugary alcoholic drink to satisfy her sweet tooth. A teasing grin tugging at her pink lips despite the obvious discomfort in the air. "I leave you alone for a second, and you turn into a drunk!"

"I went to see Auruo today."

Coughing out her drink, Saph pressed her hand to her chest to help the process of clearing the throat. Wariness flitted about in her stance as she began to fidget slightly. "I would be drinking too. Rough time? Because he didn't let up on how everything is my fault."

"That's funny because he said it was mine, and that I never deserved Petra."

"Ouch. What an ass. He's still just jealous that she wanted to be with you instead of him." She patted me on the shoulder. "Don't listen to him. She adored you. The two of you were very happy together. Auruo doesn't want to admit that."

I felt better with her support and encouragement. Petra might've carried with her a comforting presence, but Saph felt like my equal in every way. Knowing how she felt, it must not be easy to say those words. It made me appreciate them more. "He called us both psychotic and vicious."

"Have to agree with him there." She moved my mug away from me. "Let's go once I'm done with mine," she said before taking a big gulp.

His words swirled around, and I swore if I glimpsed to the side next to me, he'd be right there on the stool, repeating them over and over again. Each syllable stung. "He said that Petra couldn't have ever killed people. Not like us"

Nodding, Saph appeared to be lost in thought for a moment. "That would have broken her heart. Gone against everything she believed in to hurt others. Who knows if she'd grown up in the Underground. Different circumstances and we might've felt the same way."

She once told me that nobody knew you better than Saph.

It destroyed a part of what I thought we had. To hear that and feel it hitting a thread of truth. If someone asked what I loved about Petra it'd be the way she made me feel when she talked. With hope and reverence. Made me feel like a better man. Captain Levi. Humanity's Strongest Soldier. Someone who'd risen above the wasteland of the Underground. Mythical in a sense. If they then asked about Saph… it'd be just talking with her in general. That vulnerability of being seen with her every word and understanding nod. The array of emotions she pulls into me seemingly without effort. Annoyance. Frustration. Amusement. Comforted. Protection. Intimacy. Fear. A sea of intensity that Petra only skimmed. 11 years of life left with the Titan curse. Knowing that stabbed at my heart and chewed within my insides. How much more could Saph potentially make this tired heart feel in that timeframe?

"We can just pretend it didn't happen if you want," Saph stated out of nowhere, "and everything that goes with it."

The kiss. Sorrow sank deep within my bones to hear her underlying depression. I struggled to breathe over the turbulence of panic and bedraggled despair that made me choke. Overwhelmed by my emotions, I didn't know how to respond other than with, "I don't want that."

"It's not important enough to respond to even so don't want you to be worried about hurting my feelings. I just want you to be honest."

"I'm not worried."

Saph gestured towards me. "You're freaking out for some reason."

"I told you that I visited Auruo," I slurred.

She picked me apart with her eyes. "Is that all that he said?"

No. "Yes."

"So you decided to go to a bar? Something I've seldom seen you do?"

"I'm doing new things. Going to bars. Seeing the injured. Trying not to suppress shit." I got up from my seat, surprised that popped out. She didn't seem inclined to push as she got up as well. Dizzy, I realized some fresh air would be needed. Rushing out, I leaned against the wall just outside of the place. She followed me. "Who do you think we'd be if we hadn't grown up there?" I asked.

"We lived out semi-normal lives on the surface? I guess you might've still been persecuted unless you're saying you wouldn't even be an Ackerman. Still, it seems more fitting that you'd have grown up in the forest or a smaller village rather than the city. You'd have been the best hunter. Still would've joined the military to become the strongest," she finished with a smile. "I guess my parent's jobs would not have been in the military. Suzu and I grew up together without ever being torn apart. I bet you two would meet in the military since he'd be likely to join. Maybe become friends or be his mentor. Suzu was so strong. Since a wee lil kid he's been able to throw his weight around, so I know he'd be in Levi's squad." She clasped her hands in front of her. "That's how I'd get to know you."

I peeked up at her. "You wouldn't be in the military?"

"I'd become a baker!"

Chuckling, I tried to quell my laughter because of the queasiness brought to my stomach but it continued to spill out. "I guess that'd be one way to satisfy your obsession with sugar." It amused me longer than it should've, in part because I hadn't laughed since I told Saph to stay away. Nobody else brought so much humor to my life. My chuckling subsided, and I straightened up. "Let's start heading back."

Saph slowed her pace to keep up with my much less enthusiastic steps, but I still let her remain slightly ahead. It gave me the advantage of being able to watch her without being noticed. So my previous thought of her not being in the military turned out to be true. Trying to imagine her in that life, I started analyzing every facet of her body once again. Not pretty in the traditional sense. She seemed so far removed from the binary of beauty. Inhumane. Nothing or nobody else contained a feral innocence like her. It's not that you couldn't enjoy looking at Saph like she thinks, it's just that you don't know if you should for long with the dangerous sort of air she has about her. Where you're not sure if you want to draw her attention to you. Part of that came from the atmosphere of stillness around her. A sort of quietness that is only found during funerals and at cemeteries. An air of death. It seemed out of this world for that sensation to be found around such a cherub.

11 years left for her to be here. I didn't want to believe it, but there seemed to be no reason not to. I felt as though I'm wasting the precious time left I have Saph here with me by sending her away, but at the same time, I didn't know how to be around her right now. What I felt when she kissed me. It touched something that I didn't know been growing. A sort of addiction. Maybe more of a need because I couldn't imagine living without. A part of me that's only continued to expand since it'd be awakened no matter how hard I've tried to tamper or compartmentalize it. I can't be so dependent, so intertwined with her existence.

Irked by the sloshing fervor in my heart it began leeching onto my usual composure. Nausea began to build due to physical disorientation paired with emotional disarray. The alcohol intensified my exposure to the chaos going on. Practically bristling with irrational sensitivity, all these doubts and questions Auruo planted in my head began to replay once more.

She loved you so much, and you've already moved on.

She deserved to be loved better while she was alive.

I'm sure Saph's been taking every opportunity to be right there by your side to help you grieve

"Well there's the headquarters-" Saph began to speak before her voice dropped off when she saw my grimace. "What's wrong?"

"Why are you here?"

She winced, "Because you decided to get wasted. I'm concerned about you."

"I'm not wasted," I objected, stumbling over my feet as I almost lost my balance.

"You obviously are. Let me help you inside," she stepped forward with one hand out reassuringly.

"No!" I flinched. It'd be too easy for the distance I've been nurturing to fall apart. I'd come at the seams if she touched me now. Worried that I'd do something that I'd regret if she came any closer, I lashed out. "Auruo said that you're using my mourning as an opportunity."

She froze. "Do you believe him?" she asked.

Oh how that'd be so much easier. A far more reassuring explanation for the lump in my throat and trembling in my fingertips. That I've been manipulated into this craving. "Why didn't you tell me you had feelings?"

"Because you would've rejected me!" Her voice became shrill and filled with anxiety. "I was never going to tell you because there's never been a reason to do so. I wanted you and Petra to be happy together. I didn't want to potentially ruin that for you." Tears gathered in the corners and she bit her bottom lip. "I know you're drunk, but you can be such an asshole sometimes." She looked down. "I never planned on saying anything," she eventually whimpered out again. "I'm leaving. Sorry for bothering you so much."

Before I could say anything else, she scurried off. Feeling torn to shreds, I kicked open the door. It swung open and smacked into the wall from the force. Upset with myself, I stomped my way to the bedroom with a pit in my stomach. Did I have to say something so rude? I knew that Auruo just threw whatever sentences he could string together to hurt me, but that's not an excuse to be the one acting like a brat now. I felt so powerless and vulnerable to my own emotions when it came to her. I needed to protect her, but I've never been able to prevent harm from happening to those I care about. Doubt. Fear. Nagging, always at my subconsciousness, the idea that she'd be taken away from me. That I'd wake up one morning and she's not there. How could I tell her that she's too important for me to be in love with? Bringing her closer into my life would only lead to a certain heartbreak I'd never be able to move past. I'd never felt so controlled by my worst nightmare. Weaker than ever. Sitting down on the floor of my room with my back against the bed, I dreaded the upcoming morning. For both the hangover and knowing I needed to apologize.

Surprise! It's another chapter from Levi's PoV. I wanted to start off this very special month with something fun because it's the 6th anniversary of this story! To celebrate, I'll be posting five more chapters this month every 5 or 6 days. Before there's any concern about me being able to accomplish such a task, just know I've already written all but the last one!

I was originally planning on finishing this story around 60 chapters with the Shiganshina battle being the climax with an epilogue chapter afterward. However, that was the idea before the manga was even close to completion, so now I've decided to extend the story to 75 chapters! I'm also planning on reposting the first 40sh chapters to clean them all up before marking this story complete. Just giving you guys a heads up in case you go back to reread!