Swirls of Black and Blue

by Azyth

Bruised by life in the Underground, Saph's ruthless in protecting those she loves. In the search for her brother, it's by chance she involves herself with Levi's group to reach the surface and join the Corps. Saph finds herself falling for the man, but can Levi love her despite the bloodstains? People may now call her monster, but her hands were never clean to begin with.

55. Chapter 55

Saph's PoV

Eren's Titan raised its arm, covering the limb in the crystalline armor. My claws harmlessly bounced off, and I scrambled backward to avoid him grabbing me. Stepping away, I stretched one hand towards his face, aiming for his eyes. However, he ducked down and jumped forward, wrapping himself around my waist. We went down with a thud in the dirt and grass. Taken back, Eren used my stillness to sit on my chest. Tired, I surrendered. It'd just be downhill from here anyway. I popped out of my Titan, steam rising in my wake.

"Let's rest for a second!" I shouted.

He tilted his head for a second before lowering his stomach to the ground. "I had you there."

"I'm not arguing with that. Can't deny I haven't shredded you to pieces a few times though." It'd been easy to keep a distance at first, I'd torn him apart until he'd been forced to resurface over and over again. Over time, Eren picked up my moves and began to make some new ones that allowed him to win a few times.

Shaking his head, Eren smiled in amazement. "You're so damn fast. Have you ever raced Levi?"

My grin faded at the mention of his name. "No, but that'll be my greatest strength towards fighting the Flame Titan at least." I patted him on the shoulder. "You're a really good fighter. I'm beat once you grab me."

"Not when we're dueling in our human form. How do you summon your Titan strength and speed without transforming?"

Plopping to sit down on the crest of a hill, I burrowed my toes into the greenery to enjoy the tickling against the sensitive skin between them. Raising my shoulders, I gestured towards my body. "I don't know, but it just feels like a surge of power without me breaking." Stretching out, I laid out to enjoy the fresh air. Even after years above the surface, I still appreciated the feel of the wind and the sun. A pleasure that's only realized once stolen.

"Is that what turning a Titan feels like to you?"

"Yes. Like I'm falling apart in order to be remade into something stronger and bigger."

"Hey!" A sweet cry surprised us both, and I sat up to watch Historia jog over to us, a picnic basket in her hands. "I brought lunch. You guys have been at it for hours."

"That's wonderful Historia!" Scratching my head, I turned to Eren to speak again. "At least you've beat Reiner before. Now you're even more prepared. You have something new to surprise him with hardening."

He ducked his head down. "The two of them were still able to kidnap me. I have no idea how to defeat Bertholdt still."

"The whole Survey Corps and rest of humanity are backing us up, so that's not going to happen this time! I wasn't there, and we have more effective weapons in the Thunder Spears."

"Everyone is going to help support you in this endeavor," Historia said as she joined us in the grass. "I might not be there, but everyone here will be cheering you on as well." She opened up the basket and began pulling out an array of food. Sandwiches, drinks, and fruit she spread out on a small blanket. "Eating well will definitely help. I also brought a cookie for you, Saph."

I clapped in surprise and joy. "Thank you so much, Historia!" Such a sweet girl with a loving heart. She reminded me of Petra. Taking my bite into the meal, I felt a pang of sorrow that a picnic is exactly what I told Levi we should have once things settled down. "It's really good!"

"The kids helped me put it together. They really like you, Saph. Even the kids from the Underground smile when you're around."

My chest warmed hearing that. "They're good kids. None of them deserved to be left alone in this world. Especially in the Underground"

Historia shook her head. "Almost all of them have nightmares. They hoard food. Panic easily. I didn't truly know how extremely difficult life is down there. They've almost experienced as much death as we have. I know a few of them have killed people."

Ripping off a piece of my apple, I gulped it down. "The first time I murdered someone was around ten."

"I killed a guy who tried to kidnap Mikasa when we were eight."

"You'd been helpful to have around when we fought the Military Police," I cheered, pointing in his direction.

Eren sighed. "I can't believe Armin did that."

"We all have blood on our hands," Historia interjected, "either because we struck the blow or with our decisions."

Shit. She did just murder her father not too long ago. That'd be a lot to process even if he never really existed in her life. Eren found out he ate his dad years ago to obtain Titan powers. To have memories of that from your victim's perspective is just horrifying. At least I didn't know my poor sap, nor have any recollections of my predecessors' life appeared in my dreams. Being in contact with Historia didn't change that fact either. I'd killed a family member too though.

"I accidentally murdered my younger brother to protect Levi," I announced out of nowhere. Without moving my gaze from my lap I continued. "My younger brother and I got sent to the Underground very young. Kenny kidnapped him a few years later to work in the Military Pollice. I'd been looking for him ever since. I overheard Levi and some friends of his getting an offer to come to the surface, so I involved myself." Sighing, I sat my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, cradling them to my chest. "I searched everywhere, and Kenny caught on so he caught me. Tortured me. Turned me into a Titan to see if they'd captured the Founder. Levi and our squad broke in to free me. Suzu started fighting him, and I hit him with a shovel." My heart contorted in awkward shapes it didn't belong in. "I just meant to knock him down. Stop him for a moment. Not…" I stopped.

Eren and Historia seemed shocked at my admission. A story that I'd only shared with Levi. Neither knew what to say, but an apology appeared to be forming until I spoke again. "Just wanted to let you guys know. Thought it's only fair since I know about your shit."

Instead of the 'I'm sorry' that I'd been expecting, the two shared a look before softly smiling at me. "Thank you," Historia said. "I'm glad you shared."

"I do feel like I know you better now," Eren asserted.

We then fell into silence to eat quietly, thoughts of our departed loved ones occupying the space instead. I'd enjoyed spending time with the two of them. Eren had an interesting perspective on the world and the freedom he wanted. He fought so hard to join the ranks of the Survey Corps because of our suicidal missions outside of the walls. A goal held deep in his heart since childhood. While I didn't relate to his dreams, his straightforward nature made it easy to get along with him.

Everyone loved Historia. The soldiers, the townsfolk, and all the animals on the orphanage farm. Quite a few people ended up leaving their own lives to dedicate their time to her little haven. Not that she lets others do the hard work, she's out there almost every day helping with the chores. She'd proven me wrong by taking care of every unwanted child. I'd have been here if the opportunity arose all those years ago. Maybe we could've been here.

"'I see the kids, they're coming up here," Eren commented as he stood up.

A herd of the little ones could be seen running up the hill. Barefoot and grinning, they pushed and shoved their way to us. My heart warmed seeing their enjoyment, I'd grown more attached to the brood than I originally expected. "We wanted to see you guys as Titans."

"Sadly, we stopped fighting to take a break and eat."

Ollie sat down next to me. "Are you gonna start again soon?" He handed me an apple, his eyes wide in admiration. "I want to see you beat Eren."

"That's rude! Who's to say I haven't been the one kicking her butt?"

The kid raised his fist in response, "because Saph kicks the shit out of everybody."

I shook my head, chuckling under my breath. Out of all the children, Ollie seemed to know and appreciate my reputation the most as Saph the Slaughtered. He said that I'm like a legend to them down there since most of the people I killed were mistreating or kidnapping them in the Underground. They always got picked on for being small, and that by getting rid of the most dangerous criminals, the streets became safer for them. No one to prey on them. My efforts to destroy anyone who had a hand in the operation also halted a lot of efforts because the kids became less valuable. For the government to reform into their soldiers and puppets, it'd cost too many resources to not only complete the process of raising them to comply but also dealing with me.

"I can't win in a fight against Levi," I admitted, no doubt in my mind. Always will be faster and stronger than me. Not that I'd be able to raise a hand against him anyways.

Ollie tugged on my sleeve, "I know. I know, but he's from the Underground too. The Strongest Soldier." He grabbed my hand and began to try and yank me to my feet. "Can I sit on you while you're a Titan?"

"No." That seemed ripe for disaster. "Do you guys really want to see me as a Titan?" I didn't think it'd bring up good memories for them since some of them last saw Titans consuming their parents or taking over their village. The whole reason they'd been orphaned and left out on theri own in the first place. However, they seemed set on witnessing me in the form.

As if reading my thoughts, Kaya spoke up. "It's not like with the other Titans. You're inside!"

I smiled. Who am I to deny their little wish? Getting up, I went off a short distance away from everyone. Changing always took a toll but at least I'd gotten a moment to eat and breathe. Eren seemed to be able to transform more times than me with him starting to struggle at five compared to my three.

At least I didn't need Levi to be in danger anymore. I'd learned that summoning my power now came from knowing it needed to be done with his benefit in mind. Wanting to meet the little one's expectations, I felt myself began to stretch and expand until I towered over the others. Sensing that I'd be less intimidating lower to the ground, I curled up so that my stomach rested just above the long grass. My chin resting on the crisscrossed wrists in front of me.

Ollie ran over first, even at 7 years old he was the most fearless out of the group. Always at the front though not the oldest. He pounced on my fingers, crawling up to admire my claws up close. "These are so sharp!" He got off to look behind my head and at the rest of my body. Seeing my long legs, he pointed. "You must be so fast, Saph!"

Not able to talk, I just gently nodded my head. He squealed in excitement. "I can't believe you can understand me!"

"Is it really you, Saph?" Kaya asked, cautiously approaching me.

I nodded again.

"It's quite amazing isn't it kids?" Hanji yelled out, surprising all of us. We all turned to watch her approach. "I need you to talk to you, Saph."

Immediately assuming the worst, I ripped myself out of my Titan's neck. I stood up and hopped over to meet her at the bottom of the knoll. "What's going on?"

"Levi's sick."

Panic flared inside my bones. "Is he okay?"

"We think he just overdid it on the drinking since he woke up that morning with a stomach ache and migraine. He's barely moved from his bed since."

A hint of relief began to put my concerns to rest. "That's good to know."

"You should probably still go over there."

Startled by her suggestion, I bit my lip. I didn't really want to leave the people who seemed to be enjoying my company for the one who told me to leave him alone. "It doesn't sound like it's exactly necessary." Hanji continued to look expectantly at me. "Why are you intervening so much?" I burst out, embarrassed and frustrated with her continual bring up of Levi when I've been trying not to think, talk about, or see him, especially after what he said to me last time.

"It's...difficult to see the two of you apart. Besides, I know you're in love with him."

I gasped. "How do you know that?"

Hanji's eyebrows shot up. "You're not that subtle! You told me that you could only transform if he's in danger. Even I know what that means. Most people in the Survey Corps think you guys are together anyways. You almost exclusively converse with one another, it's kind of weird. You almost have a secret language or at least some weird shared sense of humor." She paused for a second. "A lot of us were surprised when he and Petra got together."

Rubbed the wrong way, I didn't want to continue this conversation. "That also happened to be because not a lot of people have relationships in the Survey Corps. They don't tend to last long."

Voice softening, Hanji put a hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry. Your guy's whole team got wiped out only 4 months ago. The feelings you have must put you in a difficult position."

Fuck this. If it'd make her leave me alone I might as well go. I don't see how doings so might make this shit situation worse. "I'm going."

"To see Levi?"

"Yes."

Red in the face, I left in a hurry figuring that she'd let the rest know where I went off too. My continued fast pace allowed a breeze of fresh air to soften the heat in my cheeks. To be so transparent. I'd completely let my feelings slip without notice. Now they lied bare all over the floor around me for the world to notice and judge. Picking up the pace, I yearned to be near Levi all of a sudden. To hear his voice and be reassured that he's here with me. That I haven't lost him.

I reached the building. Standing in the exact same spot, I couldn't help but remember how harsh he'd been yesterday. Auruo talking shit? Nothing new. I'd just never actually seen it get to Levi. Entering the place, I felt so confused about his current state. Now he's sick because of how much alcohol he chugged down last night? Something I've never seen him drink in the first place? He wants to act like nothing's wrong when it's apparent that something is.

"Are you just gonna stand out there," a hack followed the shouted question, "or are you going to come in?"

I entered with a huff, tired of his goading attitude already. "Why wouldn't I when you're so welcoming?"

Levi sat up, leaning against the headboard to help support himself. Short black strands of hair clung to his damp forehead. A putrid smell permeated the room leaving it stuffy with a nauseating stink that stained my nose. "How'd you know?"

"Hanji told me about you being sick, and she wanted me to come."

He looked away from me. "I'm not dying or anything. You don't have to be here."

Sighing, I sat down on the bed next to him. "I told her that, but she insisted. Besides, you took care of me when I had that horrid fever all those years ago. It's time for me to return the favor." I pressed the palm of my hand to his clammy skin. "Let me get you a cool towel. You're burning up."

"It's just a bad hangover," Levi claimed, waving away my concern.

I stepped into the bathroom to run a towel underneath some cold water, wanting it to be soaked but not dripping. "Still, let me help you feel better. There's no reason to suffer alone because you don't want to accept help from others." Returning to press the fabric to his forehead, I peered into his eyes. "You don't always have to be the strongest. You deserve to be taken care of and supported. Let me take on that role once in awhile." He let me dab his face in silence. A dull haziness penetrated his grey depths, and I only saw sorrow and pain within. He breathed harder than normal, careful to exhale away from me. I wondered if he'd be hungry enough to let me make him something with substance. At least more than tea.

He coughed a few times, the harsh sound echoed in the quiet room. "Why are you here?"

I shuddered to hear the same question as last night. "To take advantage of you of course," I teased, "aren't you seduced yet?" A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.

Not bemused, Levi rolled his eyes at me. "No."

Beginning to drag the towelette down his neck, I smirked at him, begging for a reaction. However, he didn't do anything as I entered the collar of his shirt. Going back and forth on his chest, I squeezed to let some drips trail down his heated body. My heartbeat hummed in my throat, but I didn't want to appear fazed before he cracked first. Straightening up slightly, I swung one of my legs around his waist. Now straddling him, I leaned forward as I balled the majority of cloth into my fist while bringing it upwards. I pressed the ball lightly to Levi's jaw and chin, using it to tilt his face upwards in my direction.

"How about now?" I whispered across his lips. I could feel him swallow hard against my hand. Levi didn't blink as his gaze bore into my soul, yet he began to fidget slightly. Applying my weight instead of hovering, I now sat in his lap. A groan threatened to rip out of my teeth with how good the shared pressure between s felt. My towel fell from my fingers so I could now use the freed hand to cup his face instead. Rubbing my thumb on the lower part of his cheek, I raised his chin higher as I now towered directly over him. The tip of our noses almost touched.

His mouth moved slightly as if words meant to come out. I couldn't be more tempted to capture it with my own, but I didn't mean to completely seize this moment of weakness and instability for my own enjoyment. Not that I wouldn't soak in every second of being this near him.

"Are you done?" Levi finally mustered out, panting slightly.

Nodding in acknowledgment, I pushed myself off of him. Much more affected by my display than I originally intended, I felt shivers coating my spine. "Would you like to eat some soup? Drink some tea?"

"Tea."

I scurried off to get him the item requested. As I went through the process, last night's question of why I didn't express my feelings plagued my brain. In the quiet of the kitchen, heat from the boiling water soothing my skin, I didn't feel so on edge. After ruminating over what I'd expressed, I knew while it contained some truth, not all had been bared. It now taunted me as I went up the stairs. Maybe he didn't want to have this conversation now, but I felt the need to say something about what happened. Coming back in, I shakily settled the cup and its saucer on the table next to him, nervous about what I wanted to be expressed.

"You asked me why I didn't tell you my feelings sooner. I didn't want to interfere in your relationship, but it's more than that. I've felt this way for a very long time, but I never thought I could make you happy. I'm not a good person and you deserved better." I fidgeted standing there in front of him, taunt with fear that he'd say something to split me into pieces, "but now I want to be that person for you though. The one by your side who brings you joy. Someone you're proud of."

Levi cleared his throat, " Last night…I'm sorry for what I said and the way I acted. Being intoxicated is no excuse… It's a lot because I do want you in my life, Saph. I just don't know what that looks like… To be honest, you really disoriented me. You always do but this was more than usual."

"When I kissed you?"

He gestured wildly with one hand. "Then. Now. All the damn time." Rubbing his face, Levi looked more alive than he did when I first came in.

Seeing his displeasure, I felt a little bad. So much must be on his mind. "It's okay. I'm sorry for springing all of this on you while you're not feeling well."

"No… I'm glad you told me. I just don't have an answer for you right now."

I began to head out, relieved to get out of this hot and overwhelming atmosphere. Cool air and maybe a colder shower sounded like the perfect solution. "You know where to find me when you do."

---

"Your armor abilities are so cool," I admitted to Eren, a little jealous after watching the crystal guillotine kill the last Titan gathered there. "At least we'll be able to close Wall Maria now."

"Preparations are almost complete. We only a week left before we head out," Hanji told us, watching with excitement at the invention of hers below us. "Almost all of the Titans have been around this area killed, and we can now use the crystals from the cavern to move through the night to go past the remaining ones. We can go straight there without any fighting or casualities at least."

Eren stared into the distance. "I'm sure they'll be waiting for us. 4 potential Titans against our 2. They'll be targeting me for the Founder while I'm also the only one who can plug up the hole."

"Sorry to leave you alone on that front," I said. "At least I'll have your back when it comes to fighting."

"Can't we use the Titan serum we got from Kenny to make another?" Conny asked.

"They have to eat a Shifter to not be a mindless beast," I answered. "We'll have to capture one of them if we're going to make someone in the Survey Corps a Titan Shifter."

The cadets looked amongst themselves, wondering who'd be the one transformed. Most appeared to be quite nervous at the thought.

"In any case, we might not have the luxury of a discussion. Erwin gave it to Levi and told him to use it with his best judgment," Hanji informed us.

It'd been a week since I'd seen Levi. Preparations for this moment have kept both of us busy, but I worried that he might not say anything before the battle. I didn't want to go into battle with this tension between us, but I told him I'd give him space and time.

Conny's stomach growled causing everyone to laugh. They all agreed it's time for dinner, but Eren faced me instead. "Want to get in one more fight before we eat?"

My own belly felt empty, but I saw it as a great chance to ask him something that'd been on my mind. "I'm up for a quick one. We'll catch up with you guys!" I declared as we headed off in a separate direction from them. "Your Titan abilities are pretty impressive with the Founder Titan and now this armor."

"I still wish I could use my abilities without transforming though." Eren glanced at me. "Having the Founder Titan with me is also useless. I can't do shit without being a royal."

"That's not true! I heard you commanded those Titans to eat the one who killed your mom. We just need to figure out what conditions allowed you to do that." I patted his back. "You're putting way too much pressure on yourself."

Shaking his head, Eren sounded exhausted. "So many people have died for my sake, Saph. I have to use the years I have left to save humanity from this nightmare."

My eyes fell upon my moving feet. "It's on my mind constantly. The deadline we now have." I didn't have some grand goal like Eren. I only wish to live out the rest of my years by Levi's side. Ensuring his happiness no matter how that may appear. I just don't know how I will be able to do so from the grave. It almost made me fall to pieces, the thought of leaving him all alone.

"Are you scared?"

His question drew a long sigh out of me. "Not of dying, but I don't want to hurt the people I care about. Aren't you worried about Armin and Mikasa?"

Eren shoved his hands into his pockets, posture drooping slightly. "Yes, but I know they have each other. Are you worried about Captain Levi?"

A rush of embarrassment colored my cheeks, but I knew that's who everyone would assume if they'd be given my response. Moving past the whirlwind of vulnerability him saying that name ignited, I remained focus on finding a solution to my concern. "Who is going to be there for him? He's so grumpy. I've considered getting him a pet. A cat or something."

Eren snorted. "I can't imagine him dealing with the fur and scratching."

"What do you want to leave Mikasa and Armin?"

"Freedom."

Gasping, I looked over at him. "You didn't need to up me so much."

"It's what I want the most."

I nodded. "I see." Not that Levi didn't enjoy freedom, but I couldn't perceive it as my parting gift to him. It didn't seem as if Eren would give me a satisfactory answer the question, so I allowed the subject to change. Moving on from the morbid reality of our expiration dates and onto jokes and laughter. It eased my nerves to have a moment of lightheartedness as we approached the field.

"Let us get started then," I shouted as I ran a good distance away from me. I'd finally figured a method for turning into a Titan that wasn't almost biting my thumb off like Eren. Previously, all times I turned I'd already been injured. No need to make the effort. Now I'd sewn a small pocket into the inside of my sleeve to keep a puny dagger. Just big enough to prick or cut open a little bit of my skin. I could even pull it out and slice with one hand.

The battle didn't last long. Running full speed, I jumped on top of him to pierce my claws through his upper arms to anchor myself. He tried to crystallize himself but that only clung to my nails, allowing them to stay in their exact position. Reacting quickly, I sunk my teeth into his throat and yanked back. Pulling out not only his throat but the head as well. His Titan toppled, with me still stuck to his upper limbs.

"I didn't even see you move!" Eren yelled as he got out of the nape. "There wasn't enough time to flinch much less shield myself from your oncoming attack.

Steam rose up as I exited my Titan body as well. "Sorry, that must not have been a lot of practice."

"No! That just showed me I can't rely on this armor ability if my reflexes are slow." Eren began to stretch himself out.

I patted my clothes and checked to make sure nothing escaped when I changed.

"Hey!" Eren pulled my attention upwards as he waved. "Captain Levi is watching us."

Even dozens of feet away I still felt my eyes catch his. We held each other's gazes, not blinking. A sour mood seemed to be emanating from him. The displeased frown and stiff shoulders. What could be irritating him? After a few seconds, he walked away, leaving me more confused than ever.

Goodness, you guys are so quiet sometimes. I always hope that it's because everyone is eager for the next chapter and not disappointed in the posted one. I am very eager to announce that the next few will be quite long. Look forward to it and please leave a comment below! Love you guys.