Saph's PoV
"Get on your knees."
I shivered, the command made my nerves vibrate in delight. It left no room for argument so I obediently complied immediately. He suavely waltzed up to me, his eyes gleaning with a rare sort of twinkle.
A sponge unceremoniously was plopped on the floor alongside a bucket of water. Levi's apron swished slightly as he straightened up, a smirk pulling his lips high enough to be shy of a smile. "I'm going to wash the bedsheets."
Nodding, I'd already focused my attention on the task at hand. Dragging the brush in repetitive circles, I felt a sense of both joy and anxiety. It brought me contentment to clean our house, tending to the environment we shared intimately. Splitting the chores allowed us to tackle the maintenance together as a team, and no matter how many times a week we go at it, quietly partaking in our separate tasks in a joint space brings a true sense of peace. Every nod of approval means the world to me since I truly felt pride in the fact I've always been one of few individuals capable of cleaning up to his standards. With enough practice and time, you can truly accomplish almost anything. However, the growing sense of dread now ate away at moments like this. Ruined them because I know it might be gone soon. The reality closing in as I'm forced to acknowledge the certainty. With no menstrual cycle in 3 months, I can't deny the conclusion that leads to any longer. I must be pregnant.
"Saph?"
Pink heat flushed over my cheeks as I froze in place. Getting lost in my own thoughts before he's even left the room. "Yes?" I offered in an attempt to seem relaxed.
Levi's brow furrowed deeper as he slowly gave me the once over."Nothing," he eventually answered, the teasing tone replaced with worry.
Watching his receding figure down the small hallway, my despair continued to settle in and make space in every frame of the present. My thoughts continued to run towards the same topic of confusion, chasing the tail in circles to of course end up with the same results. What am I going to do? I'm only running out of time to design a plan as the days marched on without reprieve. These constant worries led me to pull away from Levi to simmer in deep contemplations over and over again. He's started to notice. It'll be either him or Hange who's always inspecting me. I start to show, and I'm done for as well.
Water and soap swirled on the floor, and I pressed the bristles deep into the grooves of the wood. Royalty is coming, so it must be clean! With Historia on her way, we both found it important to make sure she knew we put effort into making her feel welcomed. While I'd been slowly getting used to the idea of Historia being a friend, Levi showed her complete respect. His usual distaste for bureaucrats is nowhere to be found as he recognized what she's sacrificed to retain a position pushed upon her. While others climbed the ladder for their greed, she puts almost everyone else first. Maybe I could talk to her about my predicament.
I'd considered speaking to Hange in private, but I worried that she'd respond as my Commander. Tell me that it's against the rules to have a child while in the Survey Corps. Force me to tell Levi because she believes it's for the best. I can't risk that. Seeing the disappointment on his face would kill me. Might push me to make a decision I could regret the rest of my short life. What if this miracle never happened again? Even if Levi changed his mind at a later date, that doesn't mean I'd be able to conceive. It's more likely I'd be forcing him into a situation with a heavy unwanted responsibility. One where I'd knowingly be dropping it onto his lap with no support from me when I have to pass my Titan powers onto someone else when the child would be ten.
"Are you almost done?" Levi asked as he walked back into the area.
I hesitated over the shiny surface. "Almost," I eventually repeated back before I continued scrubbing. Recognizing that he still stood in the same spot this time, I sat back onto my heels to confront him with my gaze. "Hmmm?" I inquired with a smile.
Levi peered at me as if I was a puzzle. "Nevermind," he gave me once again.
It frazzled me to know Levi's starting to notice my mental disarray. These constant glances and stares began to unnerve me when I would've basked in the attention previously. Now I agonized over if any physical changes will be revealed to him, thus setting a transformation of events I can't foresee going anywhere good. Terror always followed as well because he refused to say what's on his mind in those moments. "Is Historia close?" I decided to ask instead.
"She's about 30 minutes away...Would you like some help?" Adorned in his apron and gloves still, I saw no reason to deny his request. He'd enjoy the experience anyways.
"What would you like to do?" I stood up with a genuine grin...
Taking the brush, Levi lingered his fingers over the knuckles of my soapy hand. "How about you go clean up and rest for a second? I'll finish up here."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Relief washed over me as I realized that I'd be able to lie down. Take a moment to breathe and reset. Passing out on top of the bed, I couldn't help but sling my arm over my eyes to bathe myself in a little darkness. Everything felt so penetrating at the moment with the light, Levi's stares, my constant anxiety, and returning ragged tiredness. I wanted to be done with it all. Move past this in a way that leaves no regrets and towards an enjoyable future where this secret doesn't separate us. Stops nagging at the brief reprieves in my life, thwarting the enjoyable moments with Levi because it's so much louder in his presence. That's what I want.
Maybe that's where I should start. Where am I being pulled towards? I know I don't want to get rid of the baby, but it'd be selfish to give Levi parental responsibilities when he said he didn't want to be a father. The more beneficial course of action, for both their's sake, is for it to grow up in a nice home with loving individuals. Not to the frontlines of this war with their particularly violent parents.
"Historia is here," Levi said as he popped his head in.
Feeling slightly better, I got up with a jump in my step. At least I had a goal now. Not a plan on how I'm going to make it happen. That could come in a little bit. Allow myself to focus on the excitement of seeing Historia. It'd be her first past Wall Maria, and I wanted to show her around. "Are we having a meeting first?"
"Just drinking some tea and letting her rest while Hange catches her up."
Somewhat distracted due to my glee, I only nodded in response. Brushing swiftly past, I started when he suddenly gripped my forearm. "Hm?"
"You'd tell me if something's up, right?"
Inhaling sharply, I felt transparent in an electrifying yet terrifying sense as Levi trapped me in his stormy grey eyes. "...Yeah?" I said, a little shakily. It felt horrible to lie to him, but I didn't have answers right now. Leaving it where it's at is the best option for both of us. It'll be over and done with anyway, so there's no need to stress him out about something he doesn't want to be concerned within the first place.
Levi didn't seem to completely believe me, but he let the matter go in the face of our expected duties. "Let's join them then."
I tried to shake off the hint of dread that tried to return with his question. It's fine. I'll figure it out tonight. A decision has to be made, just not right now. Rushing towards my golden reprieve, I almost collapsed into Historia's arms as I swallowed her into my hold.
"Waaah, Saph! You're so fast, I didn't see you coming." An aura of light had already engulfed her previously, without a title in her name. Now that a crown sat on top of her blonde hair, the sheer elegant glimmers and glitters almost blinded me. This is true royalty. The lords and government officials who bought gaudy items to prove their wealth knew nothing of this grace. All privilege without any real power.
"I'm so glad you made it out here. Have you seen the sea yet?" I asked after my tight squeeze.
She beamed up at me. "I did! I stopped by to see Eren and the others before coming here. Armin almost dragged me into the waves!"
Chuckling, I stepped aside to let Levi come in. "He goes there every day. Hange just gave him the position of watching out for enemy boats and capturing them."
"Smart."
"That's what I thought," Hange chortled as she joined the three of us. "He's in the best position of walking in there anyways. Nobody else can touch. Now let's get started."
I let the bosses give her the rundown of what we'd found during our time here. It thrilled me to see her so in command but still cheerful. She seemed much more confident and at ease in her position than before. My problem must pale in comparison to what she's been having to deal with every day. The weight of so many lives now on her shoulders, and I hated the thought of ruining the time she's here with an issue outside of her control. As the ruler of these lands, she'd be able to grant me almost anything but a solution to this problem. While I appreciated the fact that she'd built an orphanage, I wanted my child to have involved parents in their life. Never have to question if they're loved if they deserve love. Could I find that for them, myself?
I gasped out loud, interrupting Hange. Stricken with absolute fright, it took me a moment to recognize that everyone had turned their attention to me due to my outburst. The destination of my thinking left me almost in tears. Thinking quickly, I turned to the three. "Since I'm not contributing to this conversation, may I please leave? I just realized I missed a spot." My answer might make little sense to Levi because he finished the cleaning, but I knew it'd be perfect for Historia and Hange. He wouldn't make a fuss, and all I needed was to get away.
"Sure," the Commander gave me. Uncertainty was shared amongst them, but I bolted out anyways. I'll just tell Levi that I've been feeling a little under the weather today. Nausea hitting me in front of everyone would have to be a good enough excuse for running off. Close to the truth since I truly recoiled within the depths of my soul where my thoughts had landed.
A solution. Finally, but one so terrible I'm close to dismissing it altogether. However, it solves practically all my problems. Levi would never find out about the pregnancy. I'd not be in a position to terminate Levi's baby. The child's life should be filled with happiness. All for the price of leaving the Survey Corps to find a home and deliver the newborn. I'd sworn to him to never leave. I choked on a cracked sob that threatened to be sharp enough to even pierce their distant ears. Knowing I only had a few minutes to refocus myself, I used the last shreds of my energy to become distant from my own tumultuous emotions. The ones threatening to overwhelm completely. Numbness filtered out everything except a dull thudding of my heartbeat and a heightened sense of my other five sensations. With a sharpened vision, I clearly saw the concern carved into the angles of his face as he followed me in.
Seeing how total darkness began to blot out the window as the sun dipped over the horizon, I realized that the perfect night to leave had arrived without my notice. Storm clouds must've rolled in to cover both the moon and stars within the last hour. Using the familiar blanket of black, I hoped to slink off without anyone's notice. Especially Levi. Maybe I'll go to Wall Sina first to see if my child can grow up in an affluent home, but I also figured it might be difficult to find parents who aren't connected to shady shit in the Underground. Another issue would be anyone whose bloodline stayed close to the Reiss family. Either lent to the idea of them being my enemies or the Survey Corp's.
Maybe a life of privilege isn't worth it. Locked away in the city, seems unpleasant for a kid. A small town or in the countryside sounds much better for a healthy and happy little one. Surrounded by the fresh air and nature, maybe some farm animals there. Sounds like a paradise compared to the upbringing Levi and I experienced. Has to be better than the edge of oblivion with those of us by the sea, constantly scouting for enemies. Not just a few but the entire world. Humanity's Strongest Soldier might not survive what's coming up next, much less the rest of us.
Oh god. I thought having a few years of life left would be the worse of my problems, it pained me to think that I'm leaving Levi to fix a mess that was never ours, to begin with. Not that I can the rest of the world's mind in my lifetime. Centuries of hate built up. They're not willing to get to know us, I can understand that, but why can't everyone just leave us alone? We're on a little island, bothering nobody. They want to exterminate all of us for a history that was wiped from our brains. That's the life this child would inherit, no matter where they grow up. The Walls aren't enough to protect anyone anymore, but I have to give them a chance to live in peace for as long as possible.
That's why I needed to get them as far away from the most likely warzone, even if it meant leaving Levi for a little bit. Hopefully, the pregnancy would be done and over with, quick and easy. Give the baby away, wipe my hands of the whole matter until a better proposition appeared. If I kept telling myself that, maybe this won't be so painful.
"You look like you're trying to shit," Levi said in a hushed tone, eyes still closed.
I inhaled sharply, startled by the fact he's still awake. My pounding heart increased in intensity, making the whole room seem to resound with the sound of my dread. "Don't know how you think that when you've been snoring this entire time."
His eyelashes fluttered, leaving me feeling the heat of his gaze. "Interrupted my dozing with your scowling."
"That's your usual expression," I whispered my retort.
Expecting a quip or glare, I almost jumped when his fingertips found mine. "Rude as ever."
Scoffing, I tugged at his hand. "That's not true. It's part of your personality, don't lie. Just as cleaning is a part of your life purpose. You really could've made it as a maid."
"Maybe that's what I'll do if I retire."
I chuckled hard at the image of him in an apron as a little old man, until a pang rang out in my chest as I remembered that I'd never been able to see it. "You'll be amazing," I said in a much more somber tone. "Anyone would be honored to have you in their home. Sweeping the floors. Dusting the furniture. Washington the dishes," I continued, lulling him into sleep by listing the various chores only he'd find exciting.
Knowing that I'd have to wait an hour before being confident he's deep enough into sleep, I took the opportunity to memorize the curves and lines of my little love. I'd need to tell him something, but what can I say that'd make sense? I told him that I'd never go. Maybe the only thing that can be said is that I'm coming back. Fretting, I felt suffocated by the lack of choices in front of me. It seemed that no matter what I wanted or what I chose to do, it'll hurt him, and nothing pained me more.
Slipping out between the sheets, I grabbed the small backpack I'd made earlier. A sparse lifestyle meant I had little to bring with me. Just as I was about to close the door, a whiff of his scent made me linger. Glancing at the similar-looking long-sleeved white shirts lined up, I decided to steal just one for my pleasure and benefit. If I'm going to be gone from him for any extended amount of time, I'd need something to hold close at night instead. After I'd stuffed it in the bag, I quietly tip-toed downstairs. My hand only hesitated for a second before I wrote on a piece of paper,
I'll be back. Love you.
Tears started to flow as I walked to the exit of our shared home. Just as I opened the door, the floorboards above my head creaked. Holding my breath, I hoped beyond hope that I'd been mistaken. That the noise might've come from the roof rather than the floor above me. However, once I heard the slow resounding thumps of footsteps, my heart started to bounce between my ribs. The door slammed closed behind me much louder than I'd anticipated. Wrought with the concern of Levi finding and stopping me, I melted into the night. Letting the quiet of a world asleep envelop me, I started to sprint towards the Walls.
"Saph!" Levi shouted, tearing me into pieces as the cry echoed in my ears. The air crackled with energy, and I heard a dull thud. He must've jumped out of the window.
Feeling the whisper of his eyes searching for me in the depths of the forest, I began to pump my arms in a desperate attempt to speed up the momentum. I'd never run faster than Levi before, and now it'd have to be while it's away from him. What would I even say if I turned around? Could I even face him? Ducking down, shame flooded me, threatening to make me cave. I need to make this betrayal worth something. It'll only be worse if I turn around. Choking my sobs down to try and remain unheard, I struggled to stay running in a straight line as sticks smacked into my face as roots tripped up my feet. Bruises and cuts would've dotted my face and hands if my healing powers didn't keep all minor wounds at bay.
"Saph!" I heard again, farther away this time.
Only once an adequate distance had been developed did I slow my frantic pace down. I considered going full Titan, but, I figured soldiers lingered nearby on the premises. Looking out in case our enemies somehow landed elsewhere on the island. Without adequate knowledge of how far the Marley society advanced since Eren's father left, we tried to keep prepared for all possible surprises. Some of them were stationed in old castles while others patrolled in their gear and horses. The last thing anyone needed was for me to stumble upon them while I'm in that form, so I continued to jog.
Wind seared at the tip of my ears, turning them cold and red. A similar pattern to the one on my cheeks still wet from the bursts of tears. Coming forth any time my mind wandered too far in Levi's direction. Knowing I'm the one setting this distance continued to smack me with shockwaves throughout my entire system. Numbness eventually settled in just as bright light began to creep over Wall Maria in front of me.
Finally, I reached somewhat of a checkpoint. Thudding my fist against the hard surface, I released all control as my knees sank into the ground. Cradling my mouth into the inner apex of my arm, a scream dragged itself out of my already ragged throat. Everything felt wrong. This small period of peace, destroyed by my own hands. I'd never been happier in my entire life, so I'll have to fix everything when I come back. I have to. Find a warm happy family, give birth, and return to the Survey Corps. I'd have to be gone for 6 or 7 months maybe? Hard for me to know. Too long. Each day apart will feel akin to torture. Curling up into the grass and mud, I desperately hugged myself.
Wet and drained, I felt it a fitting punishment to be resting on the dirty hard floor. The pain is nothing compared to what Levi must be experiencing while not knowing my whereabouts. I'd be stressed. Probably wouldn't sleep for a few nights as I search up, down, and everywhere to find him if he'd gone missing. He'll have to check the Underground at some point. After a week or two depending on the first few ideas of what happened. Whatever the case may be, I'll have to go to my stash after a much-needed nap. Frazzled and devoid of any energy, I passed out into sweet oblivion.