Saph's PoV
It'd become tradition before I'd wrapped my head around what's happening in the first place. Some nights, I'd sense his presence coming over the hills. An abscence in my heart suddenly filled. Lighting up with excitement, I'd grab Chaco to run over to the window, peeking out behind the curtains to watch him arrive at the mat. Without a knock or a noise, I'd swing open the door to greet him with a smile and nothing else. Then, I'd gently hand Levi our son for them to spend a varying amount of time together.
Giving my attention to anything else, I desperately tried to not hover. I'd scared him off that one day, and I struggled in even slightly engaging with him because I didn't want it to happen again. Doing this and that between the kitchen and dining room, I didn't want to leave since I didn't know when Levi would want to head out. Never in the way, I kept watch over them in the corners of the home. The picture of them warmed my heart and soul, even if I couldn't partake in that shared experience. Keeping my distance felt like a dagger stabbing into the chest, but hope maintained a strong place as well. Levi's visits had started becoming longer and more often. Maybe it's just for Chaco, but a wish remained for otherwise.
"Your dad is almost here," I whispered in Chaco's ear. Holding him close to my chest, I rocked back and forth on my heels. Tiny hands patted my cheeks while he squealed with joy. "Such a precious baby. We love you so much, little one." Patting his small nose with the tip of my finger, I let him grab the offending digit. He squeezed tightly for a moment before trying to bring my pointer into his gaping mouth. "Let's go get your binkie real quick instead," I laughed as I turned to quickly run into the nursery. Returning to the front of the house, I realized Levi had reached the porch.
Taking a moment to compose myself, I tried to relax before I got my brief contact of face to face. Gripping the doorknob, I stepped back to let him in. Searching for some feeling in the depths of those gray eyes, they only glanced at me for a second before disappearing from my view by a curtain of black bangs. Shielded from my favorite pools of emotion, I coveted to tangly my fingers in the ends to brush the curtain away. What are you hiding from me? If you were to speak, what would you say?
Shifting Chaco in preparation to hand him off to Levi, he looked up at me with adoration while happily sucking on his pacifier. With the utmost care, I settled him in the nooks and crannies of his father's arms. It was a perfect fit. I usually tried not to linger. Yearning to grasp his sleeves was one thing, but the daunting consequences prevented me from actually committing the act. Pulling my hands away, the back of them brushed over the fabric of his familiar white shirt. A similar one sat in the top drawer of my bedside table. It'd grown worn with my constant snuggling into it and wearing it to bed. Sometimes, I'd hold Chaco while it adorned my body at night. The scent of my two favorite boys lulled me into a sense of security, but I also wanted Chaco to feel a warmth surrounding him from both parents. Maybe it was too indulgent on my part. Gasping, I realized I'd remained a second too long, lost in my own desires and dreams.
Recoiling, I was now the one obscuring my expression from a potentially curious gaze. Swiftly walking back into the kitchen, my bare feet smacked against the wooden floor. Stray bowls and bottles sat on the counter. I'd clean those up after fixing myself a snack which should hopefully settle my stomach and nerves. Making a plate for Levi would bring me such joy, but I kept reminding myself that restraint was needed. He stayed away for two long weeks after the tea incident, I couldn't have that happen again. I'd have made a plate for Levi as well, but after his reaction to the cup of tea I'd offered, I hadn't made an attempt since. I'd been so happy when he'd come back later, I thought my heart might explode from hope. Now though, it'd been more than a couple months of this. The time between visits has shortened to every few days, but the cold countenance has been maintained despite my best efforts to get him to relax.
The knife thudded against the cutting board with each deep cut into the bread. Crumbs dusted the floor as I moved each piece onto my plate. The slices were a little uneven due to the trembling of my hands, so I tried to take a few deep breaths before chopping up the apple. "Just a little bit of cheese now," I whispered to myself as I moved the food to the side to leave enough space. Suddenly, a small cry interrupted the quiet. Startled out of my preparations, I hurried into the living room.
Perched on his father's lap, Chaco frowned in displeasure as his pale cheeks flushed red. Pacifier now wobbling on the floor. "Wah!" He wailed out, his cheeks scrunching up as they fiercely reddened.
"He's probably hungry," I reassured Levi as I automatically scooped our son back up into my arms. "Just give me a few moments to nourish his little belly, and he'll be a happy little boy again in no time," I absentmindedly said as I turned away to sit at the dining table.
Unbuttoning my shirt with one hand, I cradled Chaco with the other. "There there," I assured him as I propped his little head up to reach my breast. Just as I expected, he eagerly latched on, fingers curling in pleasure. "When mom's starving, his stomach's most likely growling too," I commented, unsure if Levi was listening or not. Words kept tickling my throat due to my agitation. I didn't know if Levi still remained seated on the couch, but the break from our pattern created a precarious situation, one that filled me with absolute tension. I'd grown accustomed to our safe route of our brief interaction being the handing off of Chaco to one another.
Fiddling with the fleece wrapped around his small body, I anxiously waited for the moment I could turn around to figure out if Levi had waited patiently or silently departed. These special occasions I had the privilege of sharing with my son were something I usually wanted to last longer than possible, but now I'd interrupted the short bonding date with dad, even if it was due to Chaco's demands. Due to my exposed chest, the cool air settled against my sensitive skin to elicit an array of goosebumps on the smooth planes of my skin except where the little one's attached. His plumped squished cheeks shared some heat. "Okay," I reassured Chaco as I unattached him from myself, "you better now?"
In response to my question, he gave me a huge smile while clumsily clapping his two hands together. After a short gurgle, his body grew slightly limp as his arms curled into his sides. Just like that, he calmed down. "Oh, now you're going to fall asleep?" I whispered as I rose up out of the chair, hugging Chaco close to my neck as I kissed his forehead. "Not before you get a little burp out," I said as I settled him on my shoulder to pat his back gently. Rocking back and forth, I turned in a small circle as I waited for a hiccup to pop out. Occupied with my duty, I didn't notice another presence nearby until a pair of shoes caught my attention.
Peering at Levi without being too obvious I'd noticed him in the first place, I attempted to discern the flood of emotions filling the crevices of his face. His mouth contained quite the twisted scowl, but those sharp gray eyes were wide open in wonder. Pride swelled within the depths of my heart as I took the look to mean my maternal skills weren't too bad. I never wanted Levi to be concerned about Chaco's welfare in his absence. Doubt in my maternal skill might've been the reason he said he couldn't participate in the creation of any offspring. His concern might've rested on the fact that fulfilling the parent role is one he would've had to do alone.
What stopped him from coming over here now? From saying something? This distance felt insurmountable at times, like I'd never feel him with me again. He's right in front of me, but an absence still exists.
"Bup," Chaco finally released out into the atmosphere, causing me to laugh.
Frazzled by all the stress, I felt ready to jump out of skin with the slightest provocation. Releasing a long sigh, I realized that I need to take myself out of the circumstances for my mentality. Walking towards Levi, the buildup of energy stored in my shoulders, stomach, and knees began to ebb away as I breathlessly arrived at my destination. "Here, he's going to take a nap now so just set him in the cradle before you head out. I'll be taking a quick shower." Anything to move out of this risky situation. The intense strain of avoiding Levi in such close quarters left me exhausted. Constantly maneuvering in a careful manner isn't my strong suit. Being subtle isn't a style of communication I usually needed with Levi.
Scurrying up the steps, the thumps of my feet echoed loudly in the quiet house. Just another lack of a response to all my noise. So stubborn in his silence, I didn't know how much longer it'd go on. Would I die in a decade without us exchanging a single word? How'd that impact Chaco? Maybe Levi truly didn't want me in his life anymore.
These thoughts kept pinging inside my head, richotating off of each other until it became a cluster of remorse. All I'd done weighed heavily on my shoulders now. A feeling of responsibility rested at their feet. There are others I care for, but my devotion would never stray away from the two loves of my life. I needed to be a good mother to Chaco, like I wanted to be a loving partner to Levi.
Hidden within the confines of the shower, I let the tears fall alongside the drips of cool water soothing my flushed body. At least this hint of chill should help the swelling that causes the uncomfortable puffiness, evidence of my misery. I'd never be able to mask this current disgraceful shame cursing my existence. Did Levi not feel anything when I'm near? I felt so alone in my own maelstrom of distressful emotions. How could I make this better? Each curvature of my body caved within itself as I contemplated how terrible a mistake it'd been to run away. Levi had been my partner. In life, war, and love. I destroyed all that because I'd been scared of his reaction. Seeing how loving Levi is towards Chaco now, it all seemed such a silly worry. At least the worst didn't happen, I had to keep reminding myself. He's just ignoring me, not his son as well.
That always lent a bit of strength in my motivation for moving forward. It's a precious gift to have one's parents in a child's life. This gift is something I deeply wanted Chaco to have for as long as possible. There's nothing I could do to prevent the shortened lifespan of a Titan shifter, so it's important that my son felt surrounded by love instead of grief. That he never felt lonely or wondered if something's wrong with his perfect little self.
Grasping the knob in a white-knuckled grip, I slowly turned the water off. Dripping wet, I stood as still as death in an attempt to discern if Levi had left the vicinity or not. My ears reached no sounds, however. Everything felt so raw, the thought of being around Levi dug so deep under my skin it reached the bones. Unsettled and drained, I yearned to just pass out in the bed, but I knew I'd have to stay awake a bit longer. Soon though.
The floor felt horrendously chilled underneath my soles. Brushing aside my lengthy bangs, I examined the dark circles underneath my glazed orbs. Damn. Glancing into the mirror to take note of my appearance day by day had been rare previously, now with the birth of Chaco, I'd become less concerned, resulting in an unkempt appearance. My curly hair now stuck up and in a variety of odd ways since months have gone by since the last cut. "I hate how it tickles the back of my neck," I grumbled. "I need a complete night of rest and a day to take care of myself."
The pit of sadness eating at the lining of my stomach continued to grow as my solitude worsened. Armin and Eren's visits were reduced to a greater extent with Hange's orders being that they should train with me once a week. Sometimes, the pair would come by to just visit and chat, a found pleasure for all of us. While I worked hard at caring for Chaco, they'd been tasked with building the village up into a respectful military headquarters. Getting a moment to share the simple treat of eating and chatting with one another, I never spoke of Levi. I'd conveyed the details of his visits only to Historia, though I'm sure as Commander, Hange's aware of his coming and going. At least Historia has stayed for dinner twice since she first came over. Such a gracious queen that now sits on the throne. A true royal.
Realizing I'd almost become dry by how long I've been stalling in the bathroom, I quickly discarded my towel and put on a white nightgown. Steam followed me as I strolled down the hall to Chaco's bedroom, yet his cradle still sat empty. A twinge of panic began to flutter erratically in my chest at the sight so I darted downstairs. Ready to do anything to get my baby back, I flew forward, eager to fight if necessary.
Scrambling around the obstacles in my path, I narrowly missed crashing into the wall once I saw Levi standing in the middle of the living room. My pace drifted into a standstill as I caught the sight of our son being safely rocked into a deep sleep.
What an event this whole visit has been. Depleted of all life, I walked over to slump into a distant chair. Laying my heavy head onto the palm of my hand, I propped myself up with a curved elbow on the hard armrest. There's nowhere safer our son could be.
Watching Levi tenderly lull Chaco, I felt enamored by the loving sight I got the luck of witnessing. Nonetheless, an uncomfortable sense of envy accompanied the joy. I missed the texture of Levi gently caressing me. The delicate brushing of his fingertips on the curves of my features. Protectively being tucked into his chest as I fell asleep. It's a memory I craved to make a reality once again. Tucking my legs underneath myself, I attempted to comfortably sink into the cushion. No position felt cozy, but sleepy delirium began to weigh heavily on my eyelids. Breaths becoming heavier, I struggled to bat away the growing tiredness dragging my limbs into numbness.
Free from the friction that'd infiltrated each corner with Levi's arrival, the distance seemed not as wide in my weary haze. The picture of them together seemed too precious to interrupt, rather than being excluded from it entirely. Loneliness which had been suffocating me not too long ago, evaporated as I unflinchingly stared at the pair. While Levi had yet to look up since I'd come down, he'd slowly angled himself so that I could clearly see Chaco dozing in complete bliss. Thankful Levi didn't turn his back to me instead, this sashaying between hope and despair continued to exhaust. I ached for the stable contentment we once had. Maybe it's not as far I dread or as close as I hope, I thought to myself, giving up the losing fight of staying awake.
Situated between darkness and the last grips of consciousness, I'd given up on reaching my bed tonight. A few minutes passed before I realized the creaking of the floorboards had subsided without me noticing. Levi must have left to put Chaco down for the night. Prepared to loll my head back into the most possible comfortable position it could find, I almost flinched when I felt the pressure of arms hooking themselves under my legs and upper back. A smell I'd only gotten whiffs of now washed over me as I was hefted up. Trying to remain as still as possible, I settled my nerves and breathing as my body bent under the pressure of being hugged to a chest, hard. It only lasted a mere inhale before the grip loosened, so fast it felt all imaginary. A complete dream. There's nothing else this could be. Lost in approaching delirium, I surrendered to the fantasy as I felt soft sheets be pulled over me.
"Hange!" I exclaimed after answering the knocking on my door, "it's been a while. I'm glad you decided to come." Smiling hard at my old comrade, I was relieved to see she didn't seem as mad with me. Maybe I'd finally be able to move around with a bit more freedom. I'd made a promise to Honey, Edmond, and the boys that I'd visit. House arrest for 3 months is a long time, and I wanted the chance to stop by to say hi soon. Missed their company more than I thought I would.
"Yes, sorry about that." Bending down, she got on Chacos' eye level. "Sorry, it took me so long to come and meet you, little guy." Righting herself, Hange carefully slung an arm around my shoulder and led me into the house, with Eren and Brogan following not far behind. "I've been quite busy, but I finally made my decision on what we should do moving forward."
She began explaining the plan before we'd even reached the living room. "Chaco is going to be kept a secret for as long as possible, but I want you to start coming to the headquarters once a week. Pat and Brogan will watch the little guy on those days.
Sitting down on the cushion across from her, I glanced at the older gentleman who'd kindly pointed me in the direction of Levi and Hange when I crashed through the headquarters ' window. I figured I'd grown to trust him and Pat enough. Neither had done anything in their time with Chaco to raise suspicion. The opposite actually, they both seemed to cherish him as if he was theirs. Not that'd stop me from giving a stern warning. "If you do anything to hurt my child, I will hunt you down and slaughter you," I growled out, not meaning to harken back to my nickname but it did fit who I'd become in any situation where Chaco was in danger.
Brogan gave a big old jolly laugh. "I don't doubt that. I love that boy, and I'd never do anything to compromise his well-being."
Bouncing Chaco up and down on my hip, I gave Brogan a big smile. "Good. I didn't think so. You're like a grandpa to him." Maneuvering Chaco into a cozy embrace, I kissed his forehead. With all the commotion and visitors, Chaco's eyes had become round with curiosity. Continuing to turn his head to catch a glimpse at all the people surrounding the two of us, laughter occasionally trickled out of his toothless grin when someone said something particularly amusing. "He's getting big," I commented as I handed the baby over to Brogan.
"Your training schedule is also being adjusted. Eren and Armin are going to alternate between coming here once a week, but the two of them will also be coming together once a week for now. Focus on training in Titan form when it's one v one. However, I really want you guys to work on specific Titan abilities when it's the three of you. I'll be coming by more often to observe and take notes since I want to truly see where your limits are. Armin and I both think there's a way for you to unlock the Flame Titan power. You'll also be training in your gear and on a horse when you come to the base. It's important that those Survey Corps skills don't go soft either."
"Could never happen," I scoffed. Flipping in the air and dashing over the terrain while slashing my blade is almost second nature, but the enemy we'd made preparations to fight against were Titans.
Reading my mind, Hange rolled her eyes. "I know. I know. You're a ruthless killer. I'm not really worried about you. I mostly want the other soldiers to witness your capacity to deal out death. We need to be prepared for the fight of our lives. Anyways, I'm just here to observe the two of you today."
Eren stood up from the chair, "Let's get started then." His walk somewhat stilted, a lot appeared to be on his mind.
That's something I could relate to. Ever since waking up, I'd been plagued with doubt on how I got into my bed. No recollections of moving upstairs existed anywhere. Blanks in the place of memories wasn't new to me, but this gap potentially held significance.
"Are you doing okay?" I murmured to him as we strolled side by side to the meadow. He'd appeared much quieter since I'd come back. That restless anger had hardened into something cold and impenetrable. His desire to destroy all Titans has evolved into a seething hatred for the rest of the world. Recognizing how I'd carried some of that same self-destructive rage when Suzu died, it concerned me. "I'm sure you have a lot going on internally."
"You know what I'd just been thinking? Before we took back Wall Maria, you told me that you didn't want Captain Levi to be alone. Now you have solved that problem."
"And yours just got a lot harder," I laughed with a dry rasp. Thinking of how freedom and stability seemed utterly out of reach. "Maybe it's easier to believe we've escaped bondage without those towering Walls always standing in the horizon, but enemies are still out there, surrounding us. Just ones that are human this time. Now we're the monsters, aren't we?" A bloody grin cursed my lips. "I want to help you achieve this dream of yours. My new wish is to have Chaco and Levi be safe and happy. Grow old and die after a lifetime of good memories. That's going to happen only if they're free from this looming danger."
Eren glanced at me, "You'd want the Rumbling to happen?"
"No," shaking my head vigorously, my tone held no doubt. "That's not something Levi would want, and I'm not leaving that bloody legacy for my son. I'll always get my hands dirty to protect them, but… I won't do something in their name if it tarnishes their own. "
Pausing for a bit, Eren finally released a long sigh. "You're a good mom, Saph. Chaco's lucky to have you. They're lucky to have you," he grumbled.
"Thank you, I guess." Hmm. Hard to tell what's going on in that head of his with that frown pursing his lips. Unsure of what to say, I changed the subject to the matter at hand. "Hange looks like she's getting impatient. I'll go on ahead"
Taking off into a sprint, I got a safe distance away before I dug my shoes into the dirt and spun around. Eren's words still wound their way inside my brain, however. I'd been earnestly trying to maintain my mind off of Levi due to the way my heart began to race when lingering too long. Images of last night had been haunting me since I arose, unaware of how I'd gotten into my blankets in the first place. Now the recurring questions began to nag once again, did Levi bring me to bed? Swooping down to yank my knife out of its band around my ankle, I gave myself a quick cut before dropping it right back into place. Seeing the trail of red drip down my arm, I focused on the pain, trying to bring myself to the present fight ahead of me instead of the swirling anxiety.
Smoke churned heavily in the air as we both transformed into large Titans. As the view eventually cleared, I found myself staring him down. A snarl erupted from my mouth as I landed on all fours causing deep grooves to follow my claws. Eren patiently waited for me to make the first move. Training my vision on his chest, I leapt forward with no warning. Racing across the plush grass, I shook myself to try to get rid of any lingering concerns. Nothing helped. I consistently enjoyed training with Eren and Armin, but the lack of fighting to the death intensity left room for me to get distracted by my own mood. My cuts were shallow and the blows lacked ferocity as I patiently waited for the perfect moment to strike.
Huffing in frustration, Eren's expression morphed into one of frenzy as I continued to dodge just out of his grasp. I knew if he got a good hold of me, I'd have a hard time getting him off. Engaging with him on my own terms, I continued to race back and forth, sending him in circles. His efforts to crystalize the sections of skin that I targeted were in vain as I continuously danced around, stabbing into the vulnerable spots. Fed up, Eren threw himself at me in irritation.
Seizing the opportunity of him being unbalanced, I leaped onto his back. Tackling Eren to the ground, I wrapped my legs around his waist. Trees broke underneath our combined weight and birds screeched as they tried to avoid a collision. A loud thud echoed into the hills enclosing us.
Roaring, I exclaimed my victory for all to hear. With the back of his neck exposed, I'd be able to land the winning blow if necessary. Seeing Hange approach from the porch of my house, I tore myself out of the top of my Titan's spine. "How'd I do?"
"Great! Your capacity to move fast and hit hard is impressive, but next week I want you guys to take a trip to the Forest of Giant Trees. You have the upper hand when there's open space, but your close combat skills need work. Eren knows how to wrestle and grapple, but I want you to focus on utilizing your claws to target sensitive spots when you're up close and personal."
I nodded in understanding. "You want me to learn how to fight in a city."
"Exactly."
I'd love to hear people's thoughts! Hope you are all staying safe and taking care of yourselves.