Saph's PoV
Glancing outside the window, I sat on the floor surrounded by Chaco's toys, impatient yet excited. An inkling of Levi's impending arrival kept tickling the back of my neck, and I desperately yearned to see him more than anything. Chaco had grown so much in the year that's passed since I'd returned to the Survey Corps. While not a single word has been uttered my way since the day of my arrival, I fiercely desired to show Levi something.
"Mama!" Chaco exclaimed, having pulled himself to his feet using the sofa cushion as leverage.
Clapping my hands, I beamed at him. "Oh my goodness! You're doing such an amazing job."
Bouncing up and down with his knees, Chaco glowed in the praise. He'd only started to wobble around on his feet a few days ago, but my lavishing on the praise every time he did so resulted in him being eager to show off the new trick.
He'd started to develop so many new skills. Hearing him say words and watching him move around caused pride to flood my veins everytime. It made me want to have the ability to turn and show Levi. Showing him at a later date will have to do for now. Connecting to Levi through our son always caused my heart to swell and pop, as if a bubble bursting. Thunder suddenly roared outside, dashing my dreams as the crackling boom announced impending rain. This would most likely prevent Levi from making the trek to us. There's going to be mud now. There's no point in fretting I guess. "Come over here," I called to Chaco as I opened my arms out wide.
His few hesitant steps towards me were just close enough that I reached his flailing arms with the tips of my fingers. Gently sliding them underneath, I helped prop him up as he tentatively moved his feet towards me. An expression of concentration furrowed his brows, quite reminiscent of his father. "Can I have a hug?" I asked once he stood wobbling in front of me. Chaco's small body crashed into mine as he clambered into my lap.
"Mama," he said fondly as he rested his chin on my shoulder.
Gripping him tightly to me, Chaco's form left a warm imprint on my own. Joy coursed into my bones, leaving me weightless with the elation. Such a precious smart boy. Watching him move and hearing him speak gave me absolute delight, but it also reminded me that I wouldn't be around to witness all the milestones in his life. That I would have to set my baby down one day and not be able to pick him back up.
A resounding knock shook me out of the loving embrace we'd been locked into. "Let's show Dad what you can do now," I whispered with excitement in his ear as I scooped him up before heading towards the door. Levi must have already been on his way. What luck! My cheeks ached with a smile that couldn't be dimmed, no matter how hard I tried to not be possessed with an overwhelming amount of jitters that sent tingles to my toes.
Taking a small step back as I swung open the door, I grinned at Levi until puzzlement began to form on his features. "Come and watch this," I commanded in a hushed tone, ushering him inside with a hand. After Levi followed me into the living room, I twirled around with a grin. "Stay right there." Bending down, I gently placed Chaco's bare soles onto the soft carpet as I nodded for Levi to do the same. "Okay. Go on ahead," I encouraged our toddling son to move ahead.
His hesitant steps gained momentum the closer he got to Levi's awaiting open hands. A soft smile began to widen his lips until even gums peeked out. Attention never straying from the child, Levi didn't notice as I alternated my line of sight from the wobbling child to the pride in his eyes. Finally, after a breathless minute, Chaco crashed into his palms.
"Dada!" he proclaimed with confidence, though he'd never spoken such a word before.
A wheeze exited the corner of my mouth as my jaw went slack. Oh no. Bolting to my feet, I stood there in uncertainty. What will his reaction be? Wringing my fingers together, my resounding heartbeat grew louder the longer Levi stared at him in shock.
Entirely silent, Levi got up off of the floor, Chaco in his hold. Once again, I automatically opened up into an embrace as Levi hurriedly handed off our child. Head ducked down, Levi rushed out of the door and into the pounding rain.
Dropping my gaze onto Chaco, he didn't seem to have taken notice of the current chaos as he began to tug on my hair. No. Enough of this! I won't let Levi escape this time. Darting into Chaco's room, I placed the lad in the crib with one of his stuffed animals before heading out of the home myself.
"Levi!" I called out as I caught a glance of his receding figure disappearing into a nearby thicket. Pumping my arms, I raced to catch him as my bare feet slid in the mud. "Please!" I begged as his own pace began to speed up. Water droplets smacked my face, rolling down my cheeks in the place of tears. Quite fitting for the desperate sadness carving itself into my lungs with every scream. "Levi, don't go!" Panic filled me as I reached his still turned back. With a determined stride, he seemed set on not even looking at me, much less hearing me out. "I'm sorry! I'll make sure that doesn't happen aga-. Oof," I cried out as I tripped on a root. Catching myself didn't prevent my knees from sinking into the dirty forest floor. Surprised, I looked at my feet in alarm. How frantic I must be for them to be failing me at this moment. Swiveling my head back in Levi's direction, I expected him to have disappeared in the shadows, instead, he'd been the one to cross the distance separating us.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice a murmur in the wind.
Positioned directly below him, I now kneeled at an angle that clearly allowed me to discern the tears glistening as they trickled out of the corners of his eyes all the way to dripping down the bridge of his nose. Gasping, I felt helpless at the sight of such grief. I'd never seen him cry before. Not in all these years. No matter what loss. Seeing how I was still sitting on the ground, I scrambled up before answering his question. "No. I feel awful. I'm so sorry, Levi. I'll tell Chaco not to call you that." I'd promise almost anything to stop this weeping scene in front of me.
"No! I mean… don't tell him that," he gruffly said, a hoarseness layered over the syllable.
Curling my fingers until the nails dug into the sensitive skin of my palm, I brought my fists to my sides. "Are you upset with me? That he called you that because of me?" I partially inquired, partially wailed. Confused, I didn't know how to ease the misery gnawing at either of us. My own eyes now became wet as I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry," I repeated, defeated.
"...You don't need to apologize for what Chaco said."
"Not just that. I'm sorry for leaving. For putting you in this difficult position. For everything."
Shaking his head, Levi almost appeared sick as his shoulders heaved, as if being buffered by the wind. "You're not the one at fault. I'm the one… who pushed you away. Put you in an unimaginable spot because of my careless and selfish words. You deserved better."
Releasing my hands from their clenched position, my palms were now slick with blood from the numerous deep half-moon cuts. Grime coated my skin, but I still desperately wanted to touch him. "How are you to blame? I'm the one who left without saying anything to anyone."
"Because you thought you had to!" The sob ripped from his clenched teeth. "Damn it, Saph. I've been wanting to tell you this for forever, but I didn't know how to start. I owe you an apology. I'm sorry for making you feel alone in this. You've always been there for matter the circumstances, you still protected me and my happiness, no matter what it cost you. I came to the realization that's what you were trying to do by leaving."
Blissful relief caused a shudder to rattle my anatomy. I'd been so concerned about him having anger directed my way still because of the pain I know I caused. "That might've been my intention, but I still hurt you. I should've known I wasn't alone in my decision. That I needed to come to you with the truth." Walking forward until his frame was only inches away from my own, I found myself flushing slightly at the feel of his breath on my neck. "Separating myself from you was the worst feeling I've ever experienced. Toture doesn't compare to how your absence haunted me, Levi. I know you don't feel the same way, but I'm in love with you. You've challenged and inspired me to become a better person since the moment we met. No matter how much you want to participate in Chaco's life, you're the reason why I know I can raise him to be someone you'd be proud of."
"What do you mean you know I don't feel the same way?"
"What?" Inhaling sharply, I would've shied away if I hadn't been yearning to be this close proximity for ages. Caught in his gaze, I felt so exposed as my vulnerabilities continued to be displayed. "Well… I know you care about me, but I'm also aware that your heart's devoted to another."
"You're a fucking idiot, Saph. What are you talking about?" Rubbing his face to remove the still falling tears, Levi's frustration appeared to grow as I gawked in perplexment. "Of course I'm in love with you," he snapped. "Why do you think I'm here? You're a pain in the ass, but I miss you so much." Fidgeting, Levi's cheeks reddened considerably as he coughed, clearly uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. That's not… I've loved people before, but never like this."
Struggling to comprehend his confession, my thumping heartbeat wanted to burst out of my chest. Those words kept repeating themselves in my mind, blocking everything out. Dripping wet, my clothes were now plastered to the bony outline of my body. A chill had set in, but I barely noticed in my bewilderment. "You're in love with me?"
"That's what I just said."
Woozy, I swayed in my singular spot while I searched for my bearings. They appeared nowhere to be found. "What do you mean?" Doubt weighed down my question into a mumble, and at first I wondered if he'd heard the tentative wonder.
Fire flashed in gray pools, and they became all I could see as Levi yanked me down into a harsh kiss. Eyes still open for a few seconds, it was only after he deepened the embrace did I close them in surrender. Entangling my fingers into the flaps of his coat, I momentarily forgot about the mess they'd been dipped in. Without warning, Levi tugged himself free from my grasp but continued to cradle my cheeks. "Listen closely," he gulped, nerves clearly frayed, "I'm only going to say this once, I did love Petra. That'll never change. She was a good soldier. A wonderful person who somehow cared deeply for both of us. She saw me as the amazing Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest Soldier. That's who she loved, and… it's part of the reason I loved her." Biting his bottom lip, Levi swallowed hard. "However, you see and love all of me. I can't lose you. I… ache for you, Saph, insufferably so. You make this world so much more tolerable."
"I'm nothing special," I sputtered out. "You're the one who's the guiding light of my life."
"Nonsense. Nobody compares to you," Levi huffed. "I've always thought the closest to a family I would get is the Survey Corps, but you've changed that. My life is still dedicated to our comrades, both alive and dead, but you and Chaco possess my heart." Brushing wisps of wet dark brown tendrils away, he carefully traced the arch of my ear with his thumb. "You are the strongest person I know. Life isn't nearly as exciting when you're gone. I don't want to be apart from you. I want to be with you and Chaco."
Euphoria rushed into my pores as I wrapped myself around Levi in a tight hug once again. "I want that too. There's nothing more I'd like than to have you home. I'll never keep anything from you or leave again. Your side is the only place I want to be," I assured him, nuzzling my nose into the crook of his neck.
"I'm going to do better for your and Chaco's sake." His lips pressed into my damp hair. "I didn't think I'd be a good father," Levi admitted. "That's why I said I couldn't be a part of having a kid. It wasn't just about us being soldiers, it's that I've never had a family before. It's terrifying to possess something so precious" Caressing my lower back, Levi massaged slow heated circles as he alternated between lightly tracing my body to clutching me in a fervor. "I should've told you that instead of shutting you down. You might've kept a pretty big secret from me, but I need to be more open as well, for the two of you."
Overwhelmed by the confession and intimate touch, I never wanted to part from him. It seemed as if the moment I let go, Levi would disappear once again. "Oh Levi," his name continued to tumble into the air, "Levi. I love you so much, my Levi." The sweetest song in the world.
"Saph," he whimpered, crushing me into him. "My Saph, I need you by my side. Don't ever go anywhere else again."
The smooth planes of his skin smelled of damp pine and cotton. That familiar but fading scent accompanied me every night within the confines of the white shirt I'd taken with me, now I didn't have to steal away that comfort in the silence of the night. I gently kissed his collarbone. Then the side of his neck. Up to his parted mouth. "I won't. I'm yours."
Entwined together, I felt entirely melded into him. Those walls and barriers and secrets and everything left unsaid didn't remain between us any longer. The tips of our noses brushed as our foreheads rested against one another. Exchanging breaths, the climax of releasing my fierce emotions left me wavering on fatigue. Dancing my hands over his ribs, I felt the sharp outlines of both bone and muscle.
"Why did you leave?" I questioned, knowing I'd need to return to Chaco soon. Parting myself from the soothing grip, I didn't stray even a foot away. Just far enough that I didn't have to crane downwards to observe his coutenance.
His grimace reflected guilt, doubt. Splayed over the dips and curves of his features, I was once again reminded of how his usual blank expression only became written in emotions when their potency overtook him. "I didn't feel deserving of that title. I truly haven't been a father to him."
"Chaco absolutely adores you. You come over to see him all the time; the way you treat him is amazing," I assured Levi. "Chaco calls me Mama, but nobody else has gotten a name out of him. Not Pat or Brogan get more than a giggle, so please, don't feel like a failure." Tugging him forward with our entangled fingers, he didn't hesitate in following me. "Let's go back to see him."
His stride deepened to match mine. "Thanks," he said with appreciation. Dodging through the bush and trees, our grasp tightened as we moved forward side by side.
We reached the house, soaked all the way to the skin by this point. Uncomfortable in the incredibly soggy clothes.
"Do you want to go spend some time with him while I take a shower?" I asked.
Levi gave me an appreciative grin. "Yeah. I don't want him to think I'm mad with him. Can you come in with me?"
Hearing the hint of nervousness, I gave a small squeeze. "Of course." Leaning close, the soft lobe of his ear bumped against my mouth, "I'd go anywhere with you."
"A little dramatic," he huffed, a tinge of red making its way on the crest of his cheeks.
Stepping forward into the nursery, Levi hung back as I waltzed to the cradle. "Okay, little one, Dad wants you to see your new moves again."
The biggest smile spread on Chaco's face and he waved around impatiently, not wanting to wait a second longer to be lifted up. Snuggling into my arms, he laid an open kiss on my shoulder before seeing Levi meandering by the doorframe. "Dada!"
I tried not to gasp as my anxiety shot up hearing the title once again. It appeared I had nothing to worry about though as Levi didn't stutter as he came over to pluck Chaco up in one smooth motion. "Yes?" With a touch of reverence, Levi cradled our son to his chest, resting lips on his brow for an elongated second. "I'm right here. Sorry about earlier."
"Are you good?" I asked, slightly surprised at how relaxed he now seemed.
He peeked at me from underneath his lashes. "Yeah. Thank you. I thought… I thought he might be upset with me."
"Not our boy. One of the happiest babies I've met."
Levi held Chaco up to peer at his expression of delight. "You are, aren't you?"
"Certainly didn't get that from you," I teased.
Mock glaring at me, Levi's undisturbed contentment was palatable. "Not like you're the most positive person I know. Besides, I thought you were going to take a shower?"
Laughing, I left to go grab a towel and set of night clothes from the bedroom before heading to my destination. Elated by the familiar sarcasm and banter, I bounced with each step right up into the shower. The warm water felt nice on the frost that'd gathered on every edge of my thin frame. I didn't stay long enough to enjoy the luxury that'd once been out of my grasp. All I wanted was to return to the two of them.
Yanking the gown over my head, I realized that it'd been awhile since I'd retired to bed without Levi's shirt on. It's going to be so much more fulfilling to have the actual person with me. Hopefully my cravings will finally be satisfied. That I'm done being left unsettled from the hollowing absence of my love.
Whispers of steam followed me as I visited the master bedroom, a place I hadn't entered since coming back to the Corps. I hadn't dare peered inside due to the fear the sight of our once shared bed would bring me to my knees. In a desperate attempt to prevent the emotional turmoil, I'd made the decision to move into the guest bedroom, thankful for its close proximity to Chaco's room. The only reason I'd come in now was due to Levi needing a clean set of clothes. While Levi obviously had packed and taken quite a few items, miscellaneous articles were still tucked into the drawers. He must've left in a rush.
I hurried back through the hallway, each step causing a squeaky creak to announce my impending arrival. "Here are some dry clothes for you to change into."
"Thank you. I'll go take a shower now," Levi said as we switched our loads.
Poking Chaco's little nose in greeting, I admired how adorable his button features were. "Let's go play in the living room."
Balls, figurines, and stuffed animals littered the rug around us. Some were presents from Pat who had brought her children's old playthings. Brogan and Hange also both donated a few miscellenous trinkets that I'd been very thankful to receive. I'd decided to spoil him with something neat once I got the opportunity to enter town. Both of them, I amended my thinking, hearing Levi quickly descend the stairs.
Watching him reach the landing, my gaze caught his panicked one. Oh dear. There must have been a thought of me leaving when he'd returned to the nursery to find it empty. "We're right here," I called out, despite the fact I knew he'd already seen us; I yearned to reassure all the unease that continued to torment him. "We've been waiting for you."
"I'm going to stay the night," Levi stated as he sat next to us. "If that's okay," he added on with uncertainty.
Reaching over to pat his leg, every sentence that came to mind was too thick to get out of my throat. "There's nothing I'd like more," I finally conveyed.
Hot and giddy with excitement, I left to whip something up for dinner. Remembering how the veggie sandwiches have been receiving a lot of praise, I anticipated he'd enjoy them as well. Chopping vegetables in the kitchen, I enjoyed the new privilege of being able to peek in on them without having Levi ignore me. It took a few minutes to return with the food. We spent the rest of the evening sitting together on the floor interacting with Chaco. Levi only briefly excused himself to clean up the kitchen and our dishware after we'd finished eating. Soon, Chaco began to drift off as the hours wore on.
"The sandwich was tasty," Levi admitted once again as we retreated upstairs, Chaco fast asleep over his shoulder. "You've gotten quite better at cooking. It used to be shit."
"Honey taught me a few things. I also never had an opportunity to practice before. I've been making a few desserts, but the ingredients are expensive," I explained, slightly distracted by my racings thoughts. Would we really share a bed? That seemed like a precious memory I'd never be able to replicate not too long ago.
"I'm sure he'll appreciate it once he's older. Can't imagine he didn't inherit a sweet tooth." Levi's demeanor betrayed so little. Was he nervous? Excited? I felt explosive, ready to ignite with a shiver out of place, but he left little for me to read. "I'm going to put him down. I'll see you in our bedroom."
"Okay," I nodded enthusiastically. Skipping down the hall, I yearned to feel him. Not in a lustful way (though I'd not turn him down), but in a tender embrace that lasts for eternity.
Despite my hurried movements, before I'd even gripped the doorknob, I found myself tugged back into a fretful grasp. With his head buried between my shoulder blades, and arms encircled around my waist, I stilled instantly at the forlorn touch. The slightest of pressures between us, left a deep impression of electricity that I'd been curious about since we met, but I never fathomed this is where that spark could lead. "May I ask you something?"
"Let's get into bed first," Levi said, stepping back so I could walk onward.
My side of the bed had been left empty for roughly two years. The sheets felt slightly frigid as it rested against my skin. Pillow dipping under my weary crown, sleep teased at my consciousness. "What made you change your mind?" I muttered, slumber making each syllable cumbersome. "About Chaco?"
Dipping his fingers over the curve of my cheeks, Levi drifted them up to entangle them in my hair. "Seeing you standing there with him in your arms after a year of searching everywhere for you was the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me, Saph. I thought you'd been taken again. Only you could be kidnapped 3 fucking times I thought. Realizing that you'd left on your own accord pissed me off because I was terrified contemplating what might've happened," continuing to twirl and tug my copper strands in a massaging manner, Levi gave a long low sigh, "then I saw you with Chaco, and… I didn't know what to do. I froze," his nose wrinkled, lids closing as he struggled to convey the painful sentiments that'd been buried, "but Hange is right. I'm responsible too. That's something I'm not going to ignore. I… remembered how it felt when Kenny walked away from me. It's a shit feeling that I never wanted him to experience."
Resting my head on his chest, the hum of his heartbeat beat steadily against my ear. "Thank you for the honesty." Tugging myself closer with the fabric of his shirt in my fist, I sleepily grinned. "You're a great dad, even with that potty mouth of yours." With the last of my waking strength, I whispered, "We're going to have to be careful that Chaco doesn't learn that from us too soon." The sweet tenor of his chuckle is the last sound I heard as darkness overcame me.
Hope you guys are enjoying the story!