Levi's PoV
A soft cry pierced my ears, causing me to sit up in the sheets. Blinking unsteadily, I realized that it was still the middle of the night. Instinctively, I reached next to me to ensure Saph's presence by my side. My fingers skimmed across the smooth skin of her shoulder before a sigh of relief finally followed. She's here. She's okay. It might've been almost a year since I'd moved back in with her, but I still found anxious thoughts of her safety tormenting me, awake and asleep.
Her long lashes quivered as I slipped out of the bed, a whimper following my departure. Standing next to the mattress, I gripped her open palm to reassuringly squeeze her searching fingers. A relaxed expression instantly graced her sharp features as all motion stilled at the nonverbal message. What fierce protectiveness drove her, even in dreamland. It consistently simmered under her interactions with Chaco and I. Powerful before, motherhood only increased Saph's capacity for ruthlessly defending her family. It concerned me sometimes. Reminded me of how she almost harmed herself with Suzu's passing. I'd never want her to do anything remotely similar if anything happened to me.
"I wish you took care of yourself better." After a minute, I got to my feet. "I'll be right back," I said, assuring both of us.
Walking out of the room, I headed directly towards the nursery. If Saph hadn't been the one to make the noise, it must've been Chaco waking up. Probably needing to use the bathroom. We'd been working on starting to use the toilet with a stepping stool and assistance from one of us, but it was still rare for him to get through the night without needing to be changed. Never thought I'd become an expert at diaper duty.
Entering the dark space, I heard Chaco rustling in his crib, seemingly awake and upset. "What's wrong?" I asked as I peered inside.
"I'm hot, Dada."
Resting the back of my hand on his forehead, a sour weight dropped into the pit of my stomach when I felt the heat emanating from his perspired skin. "Yes, you are." Scooping him up into my arms, I rushed back to the master bedroom. Moving quickly, I sprinted through the hallway.
"Saph," I grumbled, pulling back the blankets in an effort to rouse her, "Chaco's sick."
That jolted her out of the sheets she'd been tucked into. Sitting up, she scrambled out of the remaining covers in a rush. "What's the matter? Are you not feeling well, my boy?"
"He's really warm," I stated, unsure what else I might be able to contribute.
She came over to gently take Chaco out of my arms. "Go get Hange. I'm going to give him a lukewarm bath then put a cold cloth on his forehead. She'll know what medicine can help or if an actual doctor is necessary or not. I already discussed the details with her in case this happened."
Really? I raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"We had the conversation a month after I came back," she explained. "I'm sorry I didn't bring it up to you."
"No. Don't worry about it. My plan of action would've been to get Hange anyways," I told her as we carefully walked downstairs, the light sparse in the night.
Shaking her head, Saph gave a dry chuckle. "I guess neither of us really do hospitals." She turned her attention to the baby. "Does anything hurt?"
Chaco gave a small nod before pointing to his throat.
My panic began to flare up as Saph bit her lip in contemplation. Groaning internally, I realized in my frantic haste that I'd almost put the shoe on the wrong foot. I hate feeling so useless and inept. Scrambling, I focused on readying myself so I could head out immediately. "I'll make sure to tell Hange that."
"We'll be here waiting for you," Saph assured me, opening the door. "Take care of yourself."
Sprinting to the barn, I grabbed some reins before approaching my horse. No time to saddle. His tail brushed against me as I clambered on top of his back, a much more difficult task without the assistance of stirrups or room to jump. At least our small setup allowed easy access to my stead, so it took only a few minutes before I rushed us out over the hills. Our chosen home had already been on the fringes of the town, but now that the headquarters have been built and other extensions, we'd been pushed even further outside of the center of activity. It'd worked in our favor, however, since that helped ensure Chaco's existence continued to be a secret. Only in situations like this did the distance hurt.
Breath from my horse's heavy exhales began to puff up in the early morning light. I felt slightly bad continuing the current racing pace, but I needed to get to Hange as soon as possible. Once we reached the beginning of the headquarters ' gated field for the senior's horses, I leapt off. My shoes barely grazed the grass before I sprinted in the direction of Hange's lab. She's more likely to be there than in her own bedroom. That of her office.
Swinging my arms, I was thankful that only a scattered few soldiers appeared to be up at this hour. The fewer questions the better. I wouldn't want to accidentally cause any curiosity because of my urgent behavior. The hint of dew rested within each exhale as I wove through the buildings, my boots smushing deep into the mud in my haste. It almost hurt to take the time to wipe them off slightly before entering.
"Hange!" I called out as I barged in. A few lamps lined the hallway that led to her own little hideout. A now isolated cavern of her own creation that a handful of people penetrate but never stayed in now since the death of Moblit Berner. She'd never taken on another personal assistant since his sacrifice. More than once had the two of us commiserate in the loss of our second in commands. At least mine had come back. "We need you."
Sprawled onto her work table, I had almost stumbled over an outstretched leg. "Get up," I demanded, shaking her, but careful to avoid the string of pool dribbling out of the corner of her mouth. Each snore causing the puddle to grow bigger. "You need to actually go to bed once in a while."
"Levi?" She questioned, taking off her glasses to rub her eyes.
Tugging on her arm, I resisted the urge to drag her out of the room. "Yes. It's me, you moron. Now we need to go right now because Chaco is sick."
"Wait!" Hange exclaimed as she scrambled out of her seat. "There are things I must do before we leave." She peeked out of the hallway, "Marill! Ready a carriage. Tie Levi's ride to the back"
"It'd be faster to ride horses instead," I pointed out. "Mine does need a breather."
Bringing her hair into a better-contained ponytail, she rushed to a different corner of the lab. It took Hange a moment to answer me. "Sorry. I've already sent up preparations for this possibility. In case Chaco needs someone with more medical knowledge than me, that'll be the best transportation to keep him unseen. It's also the easiest way to make sure my own supplies stay intact," she explained.
Frustrated, my irritation began to build as she seemed to dawdle with different containers and liquids. "Well if you thought that far ahead, why didn't you have a kit ready or something?" I snapped, pacing back and forth.
"I do, but there are certain mixtures that go bad if they sit for too long." Glancing over some notes, she peered over the edge of the paper to stare, seemingly unbothered by my intense scrutiny. "What are the symptoms?"
"He's hot to the touch as well as having a sore throat," I groaned, the heavyweight of concern leaving an almost nauseous feeling. What if it's incurable? What if we're just wasting time? There's a possibility it's already worsened, and I'm standing here in absolute ignorance of it all.
Nodding, Hange pulled out a bag. "It sounds like a small fever, but I'd rather be over-prepared than have to run back here for another item," she explained as she packed up a few more things. "Sorry, I'm not moving fast enough for you."
"I just want to get back as quickly as possible," I admitted. Digging my hands deep into my pockets, I leaned back against the wall, my coat almost slipping from my shoulders in the process. Relenting, I concentrated on slowing my heartbeat before the panic continued to grow. Struggling to calm myself as I watched Hange methodically combine her medicine. I knew she wasn't moving slow on purpose, but it sure seemed as if she could move faster. "Is there something I can do to help?" I offered, wanting to feel something other than being utterly useless.
"You not glaring at me anymore would be my first choice."
"Hmph," I grumbled while moving my gaze to my feet. Just wanted to speed along this process. Better than continuing to dwell on all the terrible illnesses Chaco might have. How he might already be gone from this world, and I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye.
She gave a dry chuckle. "Never thought I'd see you so worked up about anyone other than Saph, but I guess you are a father now."
"Don't need your teasing right now," I stated while we finally left the room, "besides, somebody might hear you."
It didn't take us long to reach the carriage that'd by now been parked right in front of the headquarters, but by now, a few more soldiers had arisen from their sleeping quarters. A pair of them hung by the steps.
"Is everything alright, Commander?" One asked.
Hange gave a short nod. "We're just doing a thorough medical health check-up on Saph today. She seems to have a cold but due to her status as a Titan Shifter, we wanted to make sure it's not something related."
"To her time limit? Doesn't she have 8-"
Flinching, I shoved past the both of them to get into the carriage before he could finish the sentence. Sternly sitting down in my seat, I confronted the three individuals staring at me to glare back in return. "We don't have time for this," I demanded. My son is already sick. I don't need a reminder of Saph's eventual death.
Raising an eyebrow, Hange turned to offer them an apologetic smile. "Levi's just feeling protective. Don't mind him. I gotta go!" She bounced into the spot across from me. After shutting the door, she knocked on the ceiling three times. "Alright, Marill! Let's move out," she shouted.
"You're not treating this as an emergency."
"If this was an emergency," Hange argued in an even tone, "Saph would've gone into her Titan form, sprinted over here with Chaco in tow. Not giving a shit who sees what. Making a mess that I'd have to clean up."
I pressed a finger to my lips to shush her. "Marill might hear you," I warned.
"As long as we're not shouting, she can't hear us. Besides, she wouldn't be the one taking us if I didn't know she could be discreet and look the other way if necessary." Sitting back into her rumbling seat, Hange gave me a hard stare. "Anyways, she sent you because he's not on the verge of dying. People get sick, especially kids. Don't fret so much before you know there's a cause for concern. It's not an excuse to be rude to others either."
"...You're right."
"What?" Shock widened Hange's eyes. "That's unexpected."
Rubbing my hands over my face, I felt so drained and wired up at the same time. So scared and angry about sitting here, bumping along with no knowledge of how to help the situation. "I don't enjoy feeling this way," I confessed.
"But… you're so lucky at the same time." Her fingers clenched into the pants covering her knees. "A handful of relationships like Saph's parents have existed where it lasted long enough for children. It never ended well, however." The sounds of the rolling wheels, occasionally smacking a stone or hole echoed as Hange considered her next words. "I always considered it to be a useless endeavor since very few people who choose to be a part of the Survey Corps live long. However, at the end of the day, neither of you chose this path though."
Stunned, I tried to collect some of my thoughts. "You don't think I'm committed?" I asked, knowing the answer would be different with Saph. She'd always been on the edges. Devoting so much time to finding her brother, she'd intended to leave until… me, I guess. If I woke up one day and told her I wanted to retire from the Survey Corps, she'd be surprised but there wouldn't be any objections. Not like that was anything near my intentions. I told my comrades I'd continue fighting for them. It's here that I can make the world safer for my son. There's no reason for me to leave when my life means so little in the scheme of my present reality.
"No. I do," Hange said, interrupting the hole I'd been mentally digging myself into, "but I'm also aware neither of you grew up with a family, something you both have seemed to always want." Regarding my skeptical expression, Hange sighed, "Hear me out, you've been in a previous relationship. She wanted nothing more than to find her brother. While neither of you is remotely good with people, what's most important are your loved ones. The intensity of which you care for and feel the absence of those chosen few is something you both share."
Her words rolled back and forth heavily as I considered them to their full extent. Taken aback by the comment, I struggled to not feel scrutinized. A portion of me wanted to dismiss her. Tell her to not creepily observe us like one of her experiments, but I knew she had a point. Most Survey Corps soldiers never tied themselves to another, I'd done it twice. Not many survived to be veterans in the first place, but I found myself agreeing with her as images of Saph began to swirl around in front of me. Her teasing smile appearing after a snarky comment. Blushing cheeks when she takes my hand. The softened features of her sleeping face tucked into the crook of my arm. How ferocity shimmered in those copper eyes whenever there was danger. Damn it. "Maybe I was in a relationship before, but she makes me want to live, Hange," I admitted. Conveying that only reminded me of the previous soldier's statement. 8 years of life left for her. "Doesn't matter. If Marley has yet to prevent the 13-year limit with their advanced technology, there's no way I won't lose her eventually. Most likely to that curse which comes with being a Titan Shifter."
"Chaco will be with you," Hange assured me, "we'll make sure he gets better."
"That doesn't replace Saph," I retorted, "despite what she thinks." Unclenching my jaw, I paused to rein in my emotions. None of this is Hange's fault. I mean, I love my son, but I wanted his mother to be by my side, watching Chaco grow up with me. "I don't want to do it without her," I laid bare my vulnerable truth as I turned my head away, not wanting to see the sympathy I felt pouring off of her. Drowning in this onslaught of despair that kept washing over me, I slammed my fist next to me. "Damn it. What's the point? Complaining won't change anything."
The tips of Hange's fingers glided into my view as she gently rested them on top of my knee. "That's not complaining, it's grieving. Something you have every right to do." She retracted her hand, and my focus followed back up to her frowning face. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain, Levi. It's sadly the price that's paid for loving people."
"Which is why most soldiers are smart enough to not do this to themselves in the first place."
"Correct, but do you actually regret it?"
Letting my bangs fall forward to provide a barrier, I sat with the question. I didn't know where everything would go when I'd decided to take her up on her offer that night. To cling tightly together in the wake of losing our entire squad. She'd been such a troublesome but familiar presence at that point. Then I truly got to see how soft she is. That the hardened savagery stemmed from an intimate understanding that the world could steal everything you love away. That one choice might mean all that's precious to you is gone. It's something both of us carried. Part of me wondered what my life would be without her. How I'd be entirely devoted to my duties in the Survey Corps. That I'd just be Humanity's Strongest Soldier, without despair rolling at the periphery of my life in the form of a single individual.
"Ask me after I have to watch her get eaten," I eventually dryly stated. Turning away from her, I made it clear that the conservation had run its course by staring out of the window the rest of the way.
"I'm glad you're here," Saph exclaimed, opening the door as wide as possible for the two of us. "He's upstairs asleep. I don't think it's serious, but you're much more knowledgeable about anything medical. Figured it wouldn't hurt for you to check him out."
Nodding, Hange brushed past her and began to head upstairs. "Everything you know does come from me."
"Which isn't much."
"Hey," Saph pouted at me, "I know how to do stitches and care for other injuries. Honey also gave me some instructions on how to deal with a few common ailments children experience."
"She did?"
"Yes. I'll be visiting them soon since it's been a few months, and I think you should come with me." She explained as both followed Hange, "Our dear commander already said she won't be needing you next time she goes to Mitras. She can drop the three of us off to spend the night with them instead, and pick us up on her way back in the morning." Sneaking her fingers in the space between mine, Saph gave a squeeze. "I'd rather do that than go into town next week. We do only get to leave the headquarters once a month," she sighed. "Anyways, I think it'd be a good chance for you to learn more about childcare. Since they're so experienced, I always have questions about what's normal for his age, and what I should expect next."
Appreciative of the offer, I tightened my own grip. If there's something I could do to be better prepared for an event like this in the future, I'd do it. No questions asked. I also still needed to thank the couple for helping Saph in her time of need, when I wasn't there to do so. "Good idea."
"You can have him, Saph, for the next few months as far as I'm aware of. Does nothing but grump and pout at the business meetings anyways. Maybe I should bring you one day," Hange contemplated as she opened the door, her voice dropping down to a whisper, "there's one lord who thinks you never returned."
Ugh. Knew exactly the ugly bastard she was talking about. Made a snide remark every once in a while that one of our Titan Shifters was running loose still. What a dumbass. At least none of them suspected that Saph had come home with a new addition. Watching Hange check on the precious bundle, I felt relief begin to lessen the erratic electricity at my fingertips. She has to know what's wrong.
"I'm sorry, but you're going to have to wake him up. It's important that I check inside his mouth and look at his throat."
Moving to her side, I slid my fingers underneath Chaco's small body. "Hey, little one," I said in a low yet reassuring voice, "Hanges here to help make you feel better, so you gotta open your mouth." Resting his temple on my shoulder, I tapped his button nose as he began to wipe at his still closed eyelids. "Can you say ahhhh?"
"Ahhh," he yawned, his tongue peeking out slightly.
Hange bent down and peered down his throat by pressing something on his pink lolling tongue. "Gonna get back problems from this," she grumbled at her stooped position. If she's making short jokes then she must be unconcerned by what she saw. "It looks alright. Not strep. How do you feel, Chaco?"
"Cold."
Glancing down at his red cheeks, it was hard to imagine he felt cold with how warm he felt tucked into my side. "He said he was hot earlier."
"It's the chills. From all these symptoms, I'd say the flu is the cause. There's some medication I made that you should give him at night. It'll go bad after a week, but Chaco shouldn't be sick for that long. Come get me if it lasts longer than 3 days and hasn't shown any improvement. Otherwise, make sure he's hydrated," Hange instructed, opening her little bag on the rocking chair to retrieve a bottle. "Three drops is all he needs. Directly in the mouth or in a liquid that he'll drink, both work."
"Thank you," Saph said. Approaching me, she bent down to give Chaco a kiss on top of his head. "Should we give him some right now? I know it's almost 4 in the morning."
Hange nodded. "It'd be best if he can sleep for as long as possible. Getting rest is the best medicine; this will help him sleep comfortably. Make sure that Chaco has water when he wakes up,." A pause followed as she began to pack back up. With my worry subsiding, it made it easier to recognize how exhausted she now seemed. A true sluggishness now accompanied her actions. She'd probably fall asleep in the carriage ride back. "Check up on him every few hours, but I'm sure you don't need to hear that."
Walking Hange out of the nursery, Saph smiled at her. "Like I could leave him alone for longer than 2 or 3. I'm always checking up on my baby, sick or not. I do truly appreciate you coming out here. I know you're busy, and I hope you're taking care of yourself."
Letting the two of them chat as they departed, I sat down in Chaco's favorite chair. The smooth wood seemed carved to fit against my back perfectly. Stretching my legs out, I rested my heels on the smooth wooden floors to make it easier to rock back and forth. Bringing the dropper to his pale lips, I guided the vessel to ensure that three drops landed in the back of his throat. My boy appeared on the verge of unconsciousness already, but I needed to cradle him to my chest. Tightly to my heart, as if the possibility of pulling and hiding him in a safe cavity existed. He'd stolen a bigger piece than I thought could even be available. Yanked it from my being when I first saw the puny bundle in Saph's arms. I'd only realized how fucked I was when the words 'Dada' rang out from behind his beaming smile, one that contained only a few teeth.
The two of us sat that way for a while. Feeling him breathe gave me such reassurance, I struggled to part with the sweet blessing. Couldn't be luckier with how calm and sweet Chaco was. Saph said that must be from me since she remembered her parents calling her fun but loud. Always marching ahead with Suzu in tow. Within my own deepest memories, I could recall the joy of being just next to my mother. Watching her move about as she cleaned and made dinner as I occupied myself with toys on the floor. Much better than being forced in the separate room when a man came over.
I'd never learned of or met my father though. Learning of Kenny's relation to me, startled my entire world and viewpoint. The idea of a family outside of anyone other than my mother had been completely foreign to me. After Kenny, many dear friends in the Underground, who I sometimes lived with, would turn out to be liars or die over a meal. Loved comrades in the Survey Corps didn't fare much better. Waves after waves of soldiers, thousands of names that have escaped me over the years because an emotional distance had to be created or I'd be left insane in despair. What loneliness developed in such isolation, however.
Perhaps, that's what Hange meant by being lucky. That I'm not like her, flitting between the office of the Commander and her lab, both now empty of almost anyone we'd ever known before the events of retaking Wall Maria. That the man who used to sit behind that very desk and the assistant who never left her side would ever return. No matter how busy one can be, the silence will always find a way to slip in and gnaw eagerly at where their voices had once been.
"Maybe that's what your mom saved me from," I wondered out loud, remembering how stretched out the nights became after the one when she left behind a note that explained nothing.
"Are you talking about me?" Saph inquired. Leaning against the doorframe, her loving gaze made me realize that she'd been lingering there for a while. Light began to spill into the room, and the idea of returning to my now cold mattress seemed less plausible, despite my fatigue. "I was going back to bed, but not without you."
Inhaling in my groan as I exited out of the chair, I carefully placed Chaco back in his usual spot. "Only wondering where you were. A few more hours would be nice, but I'm feeling too alert." Moving closer, I realized that despite her smile, tears teetered in the corners of her eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Not really. Seeing how committed you are as a father, I just feel like it's going to be alright even when I'm gone. That you'll be wonderful at supporting him despite everything," she confessed, hitches occurring as the sobs cracked through.
The air left my lungs. It was always a punch to the gut to be reminded of such a depressing matter, but I knew the grief I felt at her future passing paled in comparison to the melancholy and fear she felt towards the matter. "It's not going to be alright. You don't understand how much I'll miss you. I don't want to do this alone," I said once again, the words even harder to get out the second time around.
Finally reaching our bedroom, Saph swiveled around to face me. Slowly, she reached out to press a palm against my cheek. I placed my own hand over hers, cradling it as I slipped a kiss into her inner wrist. I realized that the last thing I wanted to do was struggle towards obtaining some shut-eye with the sun so high. That all I desired was to hold her
"I'm sorry," she started, tears now recklessly flowing down, "I can't truly imagine how I'd feel if our positions were switched. Being apart from you is horrible, and I don't know if I'd want to comprehend a future without you." With her hand still on my cheek, she stepped forward until our foreheads rested against one another.
"Don't apologize. It's not your doing," I gruffly stated.
"Mmm. I know, but I want to apologize. It's important to me that you know how dear you are to me, and I only wish that I could spend a long life by your side. To grow old together."
I shared that same wish, but it hurt to hold onto. Didn't feel good to reminisce on either. "To have Chaco be the one changing our diapers someday?"
The breath from her chuckling tickled the sensitive skin of my neck. "What are you talking about? You're going to be the one needing assistance with your shit before me. Maybe I shouldn't have said grow old together since you're almost there already," she teased, stepping back to wipe away the remaining wetness.
Witnessing the small grin blossom, I kissed her without warning on her parted lips, getting a nudge of teeth in the process. That's what I wanted, a smile. Not all this weeping and anxiety we'd both been feeling for hours on end. Exhausted by the flurry of emotions that'd happened over the course of a few hours, I had no energy left to give a witty retort to her taunts. A tired insult would have to do. "Idiot."
Thank you for your continued support! I'd love to hear your thoughts.